Let Slip The Princesses of War

by David Schenck

“The problem is, protecting a little kid isn’t the mission. If it comes down to protecting Emily or completing the mission, what are you going to choose?”

  Pea skipped eyeing Cinderella, and said, “Yurg, shot yur pret.”

  “Yes, Pea, but Ben understands that if I have to choose, the mission comes first.” Ben looked at me, as if to say that he had not, previously, understood this. Fucking dog understands too much for my own good.

  “Ok,” said Cinderella. “If I have to choose, the mission comes first.”

  Pea spat, which was her way of agreeing.

  I didn’t believe either of them, hell, I wasn’t even sure what I would do. But I knew the alternative would be to backtrack into inhabited territory, which would cost us at least 4 days, days when the forest would be filling with Mallory’s creatures.

  CHAPTER 7

  In the morning we sifted the charred remains of the house, just, you know, checking. You can never be sure with monsters. Then after a good breakfast, we saddled up.

  Emily rode with Pea, she seemed catatonic. Poor kid, lost everything. Mother, sisters, house. Now we were going to take her into untold dangers.

  The dangers started telling pretty quickly. We couldn’t have been more than 100 yards into the forest when the first monster attacked. Some kind of sphinx or something. It was pretty small, for a sphinx, but fast. Not as fast as Pea, who shot it dead before it had closed within 20 feet of me.

  The noise from the guns seemed to bother Emily, so Pea passed her to Cinderella. Although I was the only mother in the group, nobody seemed to think I was capable of holding her.

  We rode single-file. I rode point and Pea and Cinderella took turns riding in back. Point is the most dangerous, but the back position is more tiring, since you always have to check behind you. Emily rode with whoever was in the middle. Although she had started the day in shock, she quickly came around, to the point where I had to give Cinderella a ‘shut the fuck up’ look to quiet down a noisy game they were playing.

  We stopped for lunch and set up the tent. Emily had slept in the tent the night before, but hadn’t really had a chance to look at its wonders. She bounced on the beds, ate more than a 6 year should be able to, gave commands to the servants (shyly at first, moving quickly to imperiously), marveled at the many weapons in the armory and finally took a long bath.

  “She seems to have recovered from the shock of the whole mother and sisters slaughtered thing pretty fast.” I pointed out.

  “What are you suggesting?” Asked Sweet Pea

  “Nothing, I was just noticing, that’s all.”

  Cinderella made a sad motion with her head. “I recognize that resilience. It’s the mark of someone who’s lived a hard life and doesn’t expect any better. I recognize it from when I was a child.”

  Now, Cindy’s got a sad story. Mother dead, absent father, cruel step-mother and sisters. No question. Still, it seemed to me that Emily had a sadder story and was splashing in the tub-pool in a manner that just struck me as odd.

  But, it was clear that I wasn’t going to make any headway against Pea and Cinderella, and I don’t know what I wanted them to do anyhow. I’d just have to keep my eyes open.

  When Emily finished her bath, Cinderella did her cool turn the tent transparent trick.

  We were surrounded. There must have been 25 or 50 or, I don’t know, a fuck-ton of monsters.

  “Want to go out the bolt-hole?” Cinderella asked.

  I looked at Pea, she shook her head. “Nah, I don’t think it’s necessary. We can go out the front.”

  Pea was checking her guns and her extra ammunition.

  “Oh! Come on! The bolt-hole is really cool!” Cinderella pouted.

  Pea nodded her agreement. Cinderella was going to be unbearable if we didn’t see the bolt-hole.

  “Ok. Lead the way.”

  Pea sat Emily on a bed with Ben at her feet. “You two stay here, we’ll be right back.”

  Emily looked anxious, I guess you can’t blame her, but said, “Ok.”

  Cinderella lifted one of the carpets and opened the hatch below. “Down you go!”

  Pea went first, then me. I could hear Cinderella above talking to Emily. Finally she joined us.

  The bolt-hole was, like everything associated with the tent, fabulous. It was tall enough to stand in, with indirect lighting, and there was a kind of glass rail-car system like you see in mines, it was shored at intervals with glass pillars (what is with her fairy godmother and glass?).

  “All aboard the Bolt-Hole Express, ladies!” Cinderella opened the car door and waved us in.

  We got in and the car took off under its own power.

  “How far does it go?” Asked Pea.

  “As far as it needs to. Once it took me about 2 miles away.”

  Soon the car stopped. At the stop there was a little stand, like where you might buy food or a newspaper. Cinderella walked up to the stand and took a mouse from under her gown and set him on the ground, he grew into a shopkeeper and took his place behind the counter.

  “Afternoon, Princess. What can I get for you?”

  Cinderella rattled off a list of weapons and accessories. “You girls want anything? He’s well stocked. Guns, armor, swords, pretty much anything you need.” Then she turned back to the shopkeeper, “Anything they want, put it on my tab.”

  Pea shook her head. “We’re good.” I said.

  Cinderella tapped the shopkeeper on his head and he shrank back into a mouse and disappeared under her gown.

  “Why didn’t you just take what you needed from the armory back in the tent?” Pea asked.

  “I don’t like to carry stuff in the cart. It’s easier to just get it here.”

  What a princess!

  The path sloped gently upward and emerged into the forest as a doorway in a large tree, which disappeared as soon as we exited. From there we could see the assembled monsters in the distance. Apparently, Cinderella had left the tent in its transparent form and it made an odd ripple in the air, like a tent made of clear jelly.

  “All together or split up?” Asked Pea.

  “Let’s split up and surround them. If the tent is invulnerable…”

  “It is!” Insisted Cinderella

  “OK, then we can force them back against the tent.”

  They agreed and we split up. I moved forward, and they moved off around the tent in opposite directions. Once Pea was in position she gave the signal (she started shooting) and Cinderella and I moved in. I could see them across the circle of monsters. Cinderella had her flaming sword in one hand and a short blade in the other. She was a whirlwind, a blood-soaked whirlwind, a tornado of blood. Slashing and stabbing, leaving a pile of flaming corpses in her path.

  At her part of the circle, Sweet Pea had her guns out and was cutting down monsters two at a time. They were both pushing the assembled creatures back against the tent. There was no place to run.

  I as I saw their piles of dead grow, I jumped into the fight. I didn’t want to come up short in the body count contest. I pulled my whip and fanned its tip. With a hard flick of my wrist five strands of my hair found five monsters and strangled them. With another flick, my whip returned. A group of giant rat-like creatures turned to face me, they were lined up in a row (maybe they were giant lemming-like creatures). I twisted my whip tip into a point and sent it speeding toward the first creature. At the risk of sounding indelicate, my whip entered its mouth and came out its ass and kept going until I had three giant rats, dead, and strung like fish on a line. The three rats (lemmings, whatever) made a great weight as I lashed my whip from side to side and basically bludgeoned the rest of the rats to death. It’s part of the magic of my hair that anything connected to it seems to weigh less. That’s how I could pull up the witch (and my prince) without pulling the hair out of my head or snapping my neck.

  I cleared my 120 degrees and saw, through the tent, that Cinderella was in mop-up mode on her side, Pea looked harder pressed by her remaining critters, so I ran a
round to the other side of the tent to give her a hand. Cinderella soon joined us and we took care of the rest of the monsters, the three of us working side-by-side.

  Cinderella wiped a bloody hand across her face and quickly saw the futility of trying to clean up. “Well, that was fun.”

  I smiled at her. She was bloody from head to toe, a bride of blood. The downside of sword work. “You’re a fucking mess. Maybe we can clean you off a bit before Emily sees you.”

  “No worries. My maids will take care of it.”

  She was reaching under her gown for a mouse-maid when a horde of monsters broke from the forest and attacked us.

  “A trap!” Yelled Pea, who liked to state the obvious.

  Now, we had our backs to the invulnerable tent and the monsters had the advantage of position. And they were a better caliber of monster. Bigger and tougher and better fighters. Which is my way of saying, we appeared to be losing.

  The battle is brutal and bloody. I lose myself in the fight. My whip spreads death with a beauty that dazzles me. Because it is made of me, is me, I feel each death, choked or cut or battered. And I smile.

  But, we’re losing. The monsters are too many and too strong and our backs are against the invulnerable tent and we are all exhausted. A giant wolf-like thing has Cinderella’s arm in its mouth and it’s shaking her like a doll (I think her ball gown is like a kind of armor). She’s dropped her short blade and the sword is no good for up-close work. Cindy kicks it in the balls with her glass boots and it back off, but just for a second.

  I’m having my own trouble. A giant slug. I try to squeeze it and it just slides out. It’s got no mouth, no eyes, nothing. I wish Cindy and I could swap monsters. But, I doubt they would agree.

  Pea is too busy to help.

  I see Cindy’s wolf tense to jump and my slug (worm?) about to steam-roll me. I really feel like this is the end. Then I hear a shout and I see Ben running my way with Emily(!) on his back. With a yell Emily leaps off Ben, a long knife flashing in her hand, and rips my slug into pieces. Meanwhile, Ben, almost casually, takes the throat out of Cindy’s wolf.

  Cinderella runs to Emily and tosses her behind us. I close up to Cinderella to offer more protection. Ben is a demon. He is everywhere. Teeth flashing, claws raking. We turn the tide and soon it’s just mop-up.

  I run to help Pea with the last few monsters.

  We come back to Emily in tears and Cinderella furious.

  “I never want to see you outside that tent during a fight again!”

  “But I want to be a Princess Company warrior just like you!” Emily isn’t giving in.

  “Did you hear me young lady?”

  “You’re not my mother!” Emily turned her eyes to Sweet Pea, pleading for support.

  And Pea sees her chance to one-up Cinderella in the not so subtle battle for Emily’s affections.

  “Well, I guess if you promise to stay in the tent during actual battles, I could teach you how to fight.”

  Emily is ecstatic. “Yes! I promise! I want to learn to kill monsters!” Then she gave Cinderella the full sad orphan child face. “They killed my mother and sisters, you know.”

  Pea is all smiles, gore covered smiles.

  But Cinderella isn’t that easily outmaneuvered. “You’re too small for guns. If you want to learn to fight, I’ll train you on the sword. Come on. We’ll find you something in the armory. Maybe an epee…”

  The three of them run off to the armory, leaving me and Ben alone. He is a bloody mess. His fur matted with blood and flecked with little glistening bits of monster fat. He has a long gash along one side. I bend down to take a look. It doesn’t look too deep, but I’d like to clean it out and get a better look. “Come on, let’s get you washed up.”

  There was no other source of clean water, so I took him to the tub inside the tent. I worried that Cinderella would give me a hard time, but they were all busy trying short swords and long knives with Emily.

  I put Ben in the tub and gave him a good scrubbing (yes, I used your fucking loofah, Cinderella). He yelped a few times but took it like a man.

  Once all the blood and gore had been cleaned off, the tub magically refreshed itself. Ben didn’t seem interested in getting out, so I took off my filthy clothes and slipped in. As soon as I entered the water, I became aware of exactly how dirty I was, as a cloud of bloody water swirled away from me. So, I give myself a good scrubbing too (yes, I used your fucking loofah again!). Finally all clean. Ben swam over to my side and I put my arm around his neck and we just soaked in the steaming bath.

  “What the fuck is that dog doing in my tub?!” Cinderella stood naked, holding the bloody loofah in two fingers, like she, herself, wasn’t covered in monster gore. “Did you use my fucking loofah?”

  “It was like that when we got here. And Ben’s a genuine gad dammed hero. And he needed a bath.”

  Just then Sweet Pea and Emily came sailing through the air and splashed into the tub, sending water flying in all directions.

  And Cinderella, who can be difficult at times, jumped in too, and well, it was just 4 girls and their dog in a tub. There was splashing and water spitting and dunking. The servants brought wine (and apple juice for Emily) and crackers and an excellent soft cheese.

  Cinderella tapped her glass for silence, “To killing monsters!” And we all cheered and drank.

  Pea raised her glass, “To Emily and her first battle!” and we all cheered and drank.

  I raised my glass, “To Ben who saved us all!” And we all cheered and drank.

  “I guess Ben will be sleeping in the tent from now on, huh?” Said Cinderella.

  I took a drink and nodded. “Yep, he’s my hero. Where I go he goes! We’re a team!”

  “In some ways, I think this is the most satisfying relationship she’s ever had with a man.” Added Pea.

  I gave Ben a kiss on his wet head. “In some way it is.” I agreed.

  After our bath, we ate, and then it was getting dark, so we decided to camp for the night. Emily was so tired that she fell asleep at the table, her hair in the cream of roasted red pepper with truffle oil soup.

  “A whole day gone and we’ve covered, what, about two miles? At this rate we’ll never get through the forest.” I complained, after Cinderella and Pea put Emily to bed.

  Sweet Pea, took a sip from her bottle and said, “Yeah, but we’ll kill a lot of monsters.”

  Cinderella said, “I’ve got an idea that might work. Let’s see in the morning what happens.”

  So, we slept, and Cinderella didn’t say anything when Ben jumped up on my bed to sleep beside me.

  In the morning after breakfast, Cindy turned the tent transparent and, sure enough, we were surrounded by monsters.

  “Ok” Cinderella said. “Everybody in the bolt-hole! Emily, you and Ben too.”

  “What? No. I thought we all agreed that Emily wouldn’t fight until she was trained.” I objected.

  “We’re not going to fight.” Explained Cinderella. “We’re going to cross the forest. Just get in the bolt-hole and I’ll show you.”

  So, we all climbed down (well not Ben, dog paws can’t handle ladders, so I had to carry him), and took our places in the rail car. Just like yesterday, the car took off on its own power and took us to the end of the line and the little stand. Cinderella didn’t get anything from the weapons stand, but just led the way out.

  “Ok. Now, we just call the tent.” She made a weird little face and forced spit and air through her pursed lips and made a kind of strangled whistling sound. With a whoosh, a little acorn appeared in her hand and she put it into one of her pockets.

  “Is that how you whistle?” laughed Pea. Whistling a tune. I think something by Alkhimovich. Pea is a great whistler.

  “I have very soft lips.” Cinderella defended her whistling. “You need hard lips to whistle well.”

  Pea walked in front of Cinderella and took her hands and then pressed her lips to Cinderella’s lips in a soft kiss. “I have soft lips, too.�
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  Cinderella seemed dazed for a moment. “You… You do have soft lips.” She shook her head. “Maybe you can, um, maybe you can teach me to whistle. I don’t know why my fairy godmother made it so that I have to whistle to call the tent. She KNOWS I can’t whistle.”

  “Must be her idea of a joke.” I slapped Cindy on the back.

  “Where’s the horses?” Asked Pea

  “Well, in the stables, of course.”

  “And where’re the stables? In your pocket?”

  Cinderella sighed, “I guess. It’s a magic tent, don’t try to over-think it.”

  “Anyhow, now what?” I interrupted.

  “Now, we set up the tent again and take a bath!”

  “How does that help us get through the forest?”

  “Pea, can you lend me a gun?” Cindy asked.

  Pea slapped a gun into Cinderella’s waiting palm. Cinderella took the gun and fired a shot into the air. “Now, the monsters will come, find the tent, which we will be inside of, bathing, surround it again and when we’ve had a nice bath, we’ll go out the bolt-hole. I’ll direct the bolt-hole in the direction of the other side of the forest. Then we’ll just rinse and repeat the whole thing. As many times as it takes.”

  “That’s fucking brilliant!” Shouted Pea. Cinderella’s face lit up at the praise and I’m pretty sure I saw her lips pucker a bit, as if she was hoping for another kiss.

  CHAPTER

  8

  I woke to the sound of a sword being drawn. I was on my feet and ready in an instant, but it was just Cinderella and Emily preparing for her lesson. Two days had passed and we were still in the middle of the forest, with no end in sight.

  “Morning fearless leader!” they all shouted.

  Now that there was no danger, I took a moment to rub the sleep from my eyes before grumbling a return greeting. Ben lay sleeping like the dead, so I pushed him. “If I’m up, you’re up!”

  He looked wounded, not the cut on his side, which was healing nicely (helped along by daily dips in the tub), but emotionally, as if to say ‘If you really loved me, you would let me sleep’.