Latent Memories

by Charlotte Mills

  “I lost my diary along with my memory in the accident, so I asked James to fill in a new one with all the work events for the nine months I had lost, which has helped a bit. I wondered if you would help me put some kind of order to the time we spent together.”

  “Of course.” She seemed genuinely happy to help me fill in the gaps. “God, I’m starving. The sea air makes me so hungry. Don’t you find that?”

  “Uh, no, I don’t think so. But I do have a lot of Chinese food in my fridge if you’re interested?”

  “You do? You didn’t eat last night?” she asked.

  I shook my head. It felt like we had been walking and talking for hours. I’d actually worked up quite an appetite. “Ooh, I can taste those ribs now,” I said, mentally licking my lips.

  “I knew I’d made the right choice. You were always a sucker for ribs.”

  I smiled at her words. It felt good and slightly unnerving to be with someone who knew me so well.

  We made short work of the journey back to my house. Working in tandem, we arranged the food on the kitchen table. I selected plates and cutlery and handed them to Jamie, then pulled two bottles of water from the fridge. A question popped into my head as we slowly ate; it had bugged me for a while. I recalled something about celebrities dying in threes.

  “So, who’s the latest trio of celebrities to die?” I asked.

  “What?” Jamie almost dropped her fork.

  I started to repeat my question. “Did any–?”

  She cut me off. “I heard what you said. I just can’t believe you said it.”

  “Why?” I knew I’d hit a nerve from the stunned expression on her face.

  “We had several conversations about famous people dying in threes. You said it was electricals not people.”

  I caught a slight sense of excitement in her tone. “I did? That sounds pretty logical to me,” I said, trying to suppress a grin behind my hand.

  She looked at me long and hard before her eyes squinted a little as a wide smile broke out across her face. “I see I’m going to have to be careful exactly what I tell you about us.”

  I genuinely laughed for the first time in ages. Much to Jamie’s annoyance, she eventually joined in. Bellies full, we worked together again, tidying up the kitchen. I caught sight of the clock on the oven. It was almost 9.00 p.m. I couldn’t understand where the time had gone. My eyes were heavy with fatigue.

  “Are you okay?”

  I nodded, rubbing my eyes. The day’s events and revelations had taken their toll. “I just need to lie down for a bit … Will you stay with me for a while?” I asked. I didn’t want her to leave just yet.

  “Sure.”

  I led the way to my bedroom, slipped off my jeans and threw them onto the wooden chair in the corner. Pulling back the covers, I got in bed. Jamie looked a little uncomfortable standing at the foot of my bed. I patted the space beside me.

  “Come on. I won’t bite. Honest.”

  With an awkward smile on her face, she crawled on the bed, waiting for me to get comfortable before spooning me. Murphy joined us a few moments later. Realising she had been downgraded to the floor, she eventually settled.

  “How did you meet Mia?” I asked as I relaxed in the warmth of her body next to mine.

  “Ah, well. It’s a bit of a funny story actually.”

  “Somehow, I knew it would be.”

  “It was in the supermarket on the edge of town … I was in the cheese aisle, choosing a suitable variety of blue, and I ended up putting it in her trolley by mistake. She came and stood beside me, asking if she could have a cheddar instead as she didn’t like blue cheese.”

  I giggled, realising if I’d met Mia in different circumstances I would have probably quite liked her.

  “I guess I should have known at that point it wasn’t going to work out. Who in their right mind doesn’t like blue cheese? We met up again at the checkout and she asked me out for a drink. I was a bit cautious, as it’s probably not the best place to find a date. Not that I was looking for one anyway.”

  “But you said yes?”

  “Umm, I did … I hadn’t been out with anyone since …”

  I finished her sentence. “Me?” I said hopefully.

  “Yes.”

  I felt her face press against my shoulder as she took a long breath. I turned my body just enough to see her face.

  “Why did you wait so long?” I regretted my question before I finished my words, considering our previous conversations, but it was too late. I tentatively hoped for the best.

  “Why do you think?”

  I smiled weakly as my eyes became heavier.

  “Now turn back round so I can finish my story.”

  I did as she asked, closing my eyes as her body tucked in behind me again.

  “Anyway, I said yes and we dated for just over a month, but it didn’t feel right.”

  “It didn’t feel right or she didn’t feel right?” I asked, knowing the answer could be crucial.

  “She didn’t feel right … not for me anyway. She was attractive and funny, but it wasn’t working.”

  She wasn’t me I said to myself. “I see,” I said with a little self-satisfaction. Maybe I wasn’t so easy to forget after all.

  “I broke it off the week before I saw you in the carpark.”

  “When I almost scared you to death,” I said, recalling the look on her face. Wait, she broke it off with Mia a week before we even met. It took her five days to confront me on the beach. She obviously took the break-up badly.

  “She kept calling me, so I took a few days off to visit my sister Jo. She’s just had a baby, so I went back home to see them both.”

  “You’re an aunty? What did she have?”

  “A girl, Maisey. She’s beautiful.”

  “Congratulations. Have I met Jo?” I questioned.

  “Yes, at Lou’s birthday. Jo caught us in a slightly compromising position in the bathroom.”

  “Really?” I said, laughing. “Were we a little tipsy?” I asked, as a vague memory passed through my brain.

  “A little.”

  “But she, Mia, didn’t take it too well,” I said, returning to the original topic.

  “Apparently not, considering what she said to you.”

  “You told her about us … about me?”

  “I did, just in passing. We got talking about past relationships. She told me about drifting apart from her last girlfriend and I told her about you. Do you remember the woman that came up to me in the canteen when we met the other day? She knows Mia. She must have seen your name badge. I’m sorry, I never thought she was capable of anything like that.”

  “It’s not your fault … Forget about it.” I was scared at the time but I wasn’t angry. Mia had been a catalyst to the truth.

  I slowly drifted off into a dreamy sleep and tried to focus on one event, one snapshot. Jamie’s eyes were such a strong iridescent blue every time she appeared.

  Chapter 8

  I woke feeling refreshed. The warmth of the body spooning me came to my attention; the arm draped around my waist felt familiar. I scanned the room. Murphy had disappeared at some point in the night. She was used to having me all to herself. I made a mental note to give her some one-to-one attention. I didn’t want to push her nose out of joint.

  Interlocking my fingers with the foreign hand, I inspected the small scar that ran along the inside of the wrist from a bad break as a child. I recalled the story of a young Jamie falling out of a tree; just being with her for a few hours had brought back a number of memories. The warm body behind me began to stretch out, giving me the room to turn and face her.

  “Morning. Sorry, I didn’t mean to stay over,” Jamie managed to say through a stifled yawn.

  “Don’t apologise. It’s the best night’s sleep I’ve had in ages,” I said, catching sight of her flat stomach as her shirt rode up her body while she stretched. Any intentions of acting on what was in front of me were cut short by Murphy leaping onto the be
d getting between us.

  “Good morning?” I said as I rubbed her ears. “I know! I know! You want to go for a walk,” I said softly as she nuzzled at my hand.

  “I can take her if you like, if you don’t feel up to it,” Jamie offered.

  I worried for a second why she would think I wasn’t up to it, then remembered my recent bout of migraines. “I think the fresh air would do me good. You’re welcome to join us if you’re free.” I was enjoying the familiarity I felt around Jamie. The last thing I needed was her making me feel like I was broken, like most people that had known me before the accident.

  “I’d love to,” Jamie replied with a shy smile.

  I slipped out of bed, heading for the bathroom. Before I left the room, I turned back to see Jamie trying to make sense of her unruly hair.

  “Would you like some breakfast before we go?”

  “Sure.”

  Sitting on the toilet, it was slowly sinking in that all those thoughts and memories that had haunted me for so long were probably based on real events of some kind, with Jamie. She was striking. I couldn’t deny the attraction I felt for her. I smiled to myself as I recalled the many images of Jamie laughing. She seemed so happy. Maybe I could make her that happy again.

  Washing my hands and face, I was relieved that it wasn’t all in my head, but in many ways Jamie was still an unknown to me. I knew her, but didn’t really know her at all. There was still so much that didn’t make sense.

  Entering the kitchen, I flicked on the kettle before letting Murphy out the back door into the garden. Pulling out a chair, I stepped up to retrieve the cereal from the top shelf of the cupboard as Jamie entered the room. I turned at her footsteps, seeing a confused expression on her face.

  “Is there a reason why the cereal is out of reach of everyone who lives here?”

  “Well, a certain four-legged beast is a cereal-eater, or destroyer is probably a better phrase.”

  Her face maintained its confused look. “Of course she’s a cereal-eater; she’s your dog.”

  I almost fell off the chair as I dropped the box of Cheerios on the table before placing my feet firmly on the cold, tiled floor. “No, I mean she’s very partial to cereal of any kind. And if it’s left within reach of her, the box gets shredded and the contents strewn across the floor.”

  “I know what you meant. You know what they say about dogs and their owners sharing the same traits. Your flat in Manchester had a cupboard dedicated to the many varieties of cereal.”

  I turned to face her, surprised by her words. “How do you know about …?” I demanded, as Jamie stepped back, holding her hands up in submission.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out. This must be really weird for you, not knowing me at all.”

  “I, er …” I didn’t like being caught off-guard. I pulled two mugs from the cupboard, buying a little time as I filtered through my fuzzy mind. “I wouldn’t say that. I know you like watching films.” I turned to see a smile quickly form on her face as she moved closer.

  “I definitely do.”

  Retrieving two bowls from a cupboard, I handed one to her as the kettle clicked off. I filled my bowl before handing the box to Jamie. Pulling two teabags from the cupboard, I made us both a cup of tea.

  “It may interest you to know that I used my rehab time wisely, catching up on a number of missed cinematic opportunities.”

  “You did? What have you been watching?” she asked between mouthfuls of dry cereal.

  I moved to the back door, letting Murphy back in. “Well, I started with the classic Star Wars double trilogy, to see what all the fuss was about, then I moved onto major Oscar winners like Argo, The Hurt Locker, No Country for Old Men, stuff like that. Since then I’ve moved onto foreign films. I’ve developed a taste for Chinese and Korean films now.” I looked up from my tea to see a full hand of cereal halfway to her stunned mouth.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” she asked. Her voice was just above a whisper.

  “Nope, it’s all true,” I said with a small laugh. I wasn’t quite expecting that reaction. “I could lend you a couple if you’re interested. Maybe The Curse of the Golden Flower or Park’s Revenge Trilogy or–”

  “Shut up! You’re melting my brain.”

  I giggled into my cereal while Jamie just looked on in amazement. I recalled James equally berating me after my recent breakthrough into film appreciation.

  After breakfast, I took a quick shower and dressed while Murphy occupied Jamie or the other way round; I’m not quite sure.

  Leaving my bungalow, we took the ten-minute walk through the housing estate to the edge of the beach. It was still windy, which I knew would mean a crazed Murphy as soon as we hit the open beach. We were both quiet, stuck in our thoughts, as the morning sunshine bathed us on our journey. Entering the high dunes, Murphy pulled on her lead, letting me know she was ready for take-off. I was still filled with questions I wanted answers to.

  “Jamie, I still don’t understand why no one told me about you … us,” I corrected myself.

  “Well, like I said, your parents didn’t really know about me. You weren’t close to them at the time. From what you told me, you said they didn’t approve of you being gay. You didn’t talk about them very much.”

  “But what about James? He must have known,” I said, bending down to slip Murphy’s lead off as Jamie released a loud sigh.

  We continued walking through the dunes.

  “Yes … he did, but I asked him not to say anything. We argued about it, even after I’d made my mind up. It was an incredibly difficult decision and I’m not proud of it … Your parents were buzzing around you and they wouldn’t let me see you. When I did …”

  The long grass hissed, whipping at my legs as I took a sideways glance in Jamie’s direction. Her expression had changed to one of sorrow. I reached out, taking her hand in mine.

  “I’m sorry I keep bringing all this up, upsetting you.”

  She stopped, turning to face me. Lifting our hands, she interlaced the fingers. It felt good to touch her.

  “It was so hard seeing you lying there … then your parents moved you to a private hospital.”

  I moved closer, placing my hand on her waist as her voice quivered.

  “They knew enough to refuse you?” I said, feeling my jaw tighten.

  “Yes … James had told them. He tried to tell them how much we meant to each other, but they didn’t want to know. I guess they thought they’d got you back in their life. They didn’t want to risk letting you go again.”

  I could feel the anger begin to rise in me. I felt deceived by everyone close to me. “They thought the coma would make me straight!” I said, incredulously.

  “No. I don’t know … I think they were just enjoying having you back in their lives again.”

  Under their control more like, I thought as I recalled the neuro-rehab centre they had organised for me.

  “Why didn’t you want James to tell me about you?” I asked, realising too late I was asking yet more difficult questions.

  “I visited you when I could, but … when I found out about your memory loss, you were …” I saw her swallow hard. “… are such a vibrant, exciting person. I love that about you. James and I argued about it every time we spoke. I couldn’t see what else to do.”

  She readjusted her footing, edging a little closer to me. I could tell she didn’t want to tell me as her head dropped along with her voice. We were sheltered in the dunes, but the roar of the sea was echoing in my ears, almost drowning her out. I recalled asking James whether there had been anyone in my personal life. He had seemed a bit flustered with his answer at the time. Now I knew why.

  “It’s so selfish to think of it now. I needed a clean break to care for Aunt Lou. I couldn’t stand the thought of you not knowing me and punishing yourself for it every time I saw you.”

  I reached up, removing some of the windblown hair from her face. She looked up, reluctantly meeting my eyes. I tried to h
ide the disappointment from my face. What would I have done in her situation? I really couldn’t say. Maybe I’d have hung around more. I hoped I would. It had barely sunk in that I had somehow maintained a long-term relationship. I didn’t even want to entertain any further thoughts about the £3,000 ring that I’d had in my possession on the night of the accident.

  “I kept in touch with James to see how you were doing after I moved here. I know it wasn’t right …”

  I watched a tear slip down her face. She roughly wiped at it with the back of her hand. I felt terrible for pushing her. Releasing her hand, I pulled her towards me. Her arms wrapped tightly around me as I caught a hint of her familiar scent again.

  “I’m sorry. I know this isn’t easy for you.”

  My slight height advantage allowed Jamie to snuggle into the crook of my neck. We fit together perfectly, there was no denying that. I heard another heavy sigh escape her body as she relaxed against me, her warm body protecting me against the worst of the wind. I felt like I could have stood there all day.

  Murphy’s sudden reappearance rounding us up made us separate. Avoiding the look of sadness in her eyes, I took Jamie’s hand, leading the way to the open beach. It was practically empty in both directions, just the way I liked it.

  “Robin … what made you come here?”

  I guess it was only fair she had some questions, too.

  “I … er … I’m not sure I can explain it really.”

  “I mean one minute you’re in Manchester, the boss of a landscaping company, and the next you turn up here working as a gardener.”

  “I know. Trust me, a lot happened in that minute. After rehab I tried to go back to work with James, but I couldn’t do it. It was too much for me after the accident. I couldn’t juggle the work like I had before. So after a while I started looking for something I would feel comfortable doing. I looked in the Countryside Job Newsletter, saw the council gardening job advertised. I recognised the name Ashill. It meant something to me, but I couldn’t remember what. I just felt like … I had to come here.” I trailed off as we continued walking in the same direction towards the rocks we had met at yesterday.