Latent Memories

by Charlotte Mills

  “I’m glad you found me.”

  Her hand gripped mine a little tighter as I watched Murphy in the distance. She was headed straight for the sea. In the last couple of weeks she had totally overcome her fears, exerting her dominance by rushing straight in, bravely jumping over the waves as they headed towards her.

  “So, what else do you remember?” Jamie asked.

  “Umm, it’s all a bit jumbled up. It’s improving a bit I think. I remember being with you on a beach somewhere … I don’t know where. We ran down to the beach, stripping off and dashing into the sea.”

  “God, that was Whitby. It was so cold. Some people with a dog came along the beach and we were worried about our stuff, so we ran out and tried to put our clothes on before they came along, but we were wet and cold. We barely made it.” She dissolved into laughter at the memory, almost stumbling as we walked. “We went back to the hotel and had a hot shower and …” She trailed off, turning her face to the wind.

  “Went to bed?” I said, as I recalled snippets of an evening in what looked like a hotel room.

  Jamie stopped in her tracks, tugging me around to face her. “Do you remember stuff like that?”

  I felt my face redden even in the cool wind. “Of course … I remember touching and kissing you. It’s just not necessarily in the right order. I remember dark blue bed sheets and–”

  She cut me off. “Dark blue sheets? That’s from my house, when we first met in York.”

  I had no idea if it was the first time we had made love; I just remembered waking up next to her. Jamie continued to look astounded as I continued.

  “Did we have dinner at your house?” I asked, recalling sitting across from Jamie in a light dining room I didn’t recognise as my flat. I could see the plates of food set out between us.

  A smile stretched across her face. “Yes, to start with we went for a drink one night after work. You were so charming, considering we went out to make up for a stupid argument we’d had. I managed to persuade you to take me with you on a night walk. A few days later, I invited you over for a meal to say thank you. You played hard to get, but we spent the weekend together.”

  “Hard to get,” I repeated, flashing my eyebrows. I watched the glow of embarrassment appear on her cheeks. “We were working on a landscaping project?” I asked.

  “Designing an eco-park. Bonnington House. York Council wanted an educational wildlife site, so we brought your firm in to help us design it and put it together.”

  The familiarity of Jamie next to me right now was bringing back more images. “I remember lying on the blue sheets with you. Your phone rang, waking us …” I frowned as I struggled to remember any more. It felt just out of reach. Her warm hand cupped the side of my face as we stood toe-to-toe, still in the same place on the beach.

  “Don’t force it. You’ll get it back.” Her piercing blue eyes focussed on mine as a smile spread across her face. “I’m glad you remember our first time.”

  I reached out, pulling her towards me. The sensation of her body next to mine brought back flashes of intimacy between us. I felt an ache for what I had lost so long ago. “It was pretty hard to forget.” I whispered in her ear as we stood there in an embrace. I heard a sniff and felt Jamie move to wipe her face. I pulled back to see a tear fall down her face. “Jamie … I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Her faint laugh made me worry more.

  “You didn’t. Believe it or not, these are tears of happiness … I promise.”

  I looked around for Murphy, realising I’d pretty much ignored her since arriving on the beach. The rocks we had headed towards were now in the distance behind us. I spotted Murphy dragging some seaweed along the shoreline. I called her name, smiling as she bounded towards us, still with endless energy.

  “Come on, I’ve got something to show you,” Jamie said excitedly.

  “Really? Where?” I looked around, seeing only sea, sand and a few houses in the distance set back behind the shoreline.

  She took my hand in hers and strode off purposefully along the beach towards the houses, pulling me behind her. “You’ll see.”

  I put Murphy on her lead as we approached the houses, weary of her lack of road sense. As we walked along the road, I took in the typical beach-view properties with large picture windows facing out to sea. They looked relatively modern in design, but I couldn’t be sure.

  “What road is this?” I asked, letting go of Jamie’s hand to pull out my phone. Looking around, I spotted a street sign on the opposite side of the road and quickly snapped a picture in preparation for plotting this location on my wall map.

  “What are you doing?” Jamie asked, standing a couple of feet ahead of me.

  “Just taking a pic. It helps me to remember things.” I didn’t want to go into detail at this point.

  Dropping my phone back in my pocket, I quickly caught up with Jamie as we approached a large, white, timber-clad house with a wooden, American-style veranda on the side and back. It was the end house in the cul-de-sac, giving the owner an uninterrupted view of the sea. Long and thin in shape, it took full advantage of its location. A small flight of wooden steps with a handrail faced us as we drew near.

  As I focussed on the house again, my feet felt glued to the pavement. “I think I’ve seen this house before.”

  Jamie stopped in front of me, focussing intently on my face. “You have.” Her reply was a statement not a question.

  “A photograph … I think,” I said, as a foggy image floated around.

  “Wow! It was my Aunt Lou’s house. She left it to me when she died.”

  “I’m sorry. I know you were close,” I said, half-questioning, but I already knew the answer.

  She replied with a weak smile. “Come on. I’m gagging for a cup of tea.”

  We walked down a short path to the wooden steps leading to a side door.

  “Umm, do you have an old towel for Murphy? I don’t want her to mess up your house.”

  “Wait here. I’ll get something.”

  I watched as she disappeared through the door, reappearing a few moments later with a green towel in her hand. I looked up to see her leaning against the doorframe, watching me attempt to rub Murphy down. She had a smile on her face as she watched Murphy wriggle from my grasp. Her smile seemed to widen a little more as her eyes met mine. I felt a little hypnotised under her gaze. Neither of us saw Murphy scamper along the veranda and slip through the door. Draping the sodden towel over the handrail, I walked towards her as she moved aside, allowing me entrance.

  The back of the house consisted of one long, open-plan room. It was bright, lit from the large windows and patio doors leading to a veranda overlooking the sea view. The first part of the room contained a square, wooden table with matching chairs. It was separated from the kitchen area by an L-shaped island unit housing a breakfast bar facing onto the far wall, on which was a large TV. Two sofas dictated the final space, one faced the television while the other looked out to the sea. It was a fantastic, airy space. It made me a little homesick for my flat in Manchester.

  Slipping off my coat and boots, I looked around for Murphy, but she was nowhere to be seen. I called her back to me as I sat on a stool at the breakfast bar while Jamie set about making the tea. While I took in the distinctly beachy décor of driftwood picture frames, Murphy re-appeared with a shoe in her mouth. I discreetly extracted it, placing it on the floor under my stool.

  “Biscuit?” Jamie asked as she pulled a packet from a cupboard.

  “Thanks.”

  “Can dogs eat coconut?” she enquired.

  “Umm, I think so.” I had barely got the words out before she was on the floor offering the furry dustbin a biscuit. Murphy made a grab for it before running off to devour her treat.

  I studied Jamie’s sleek figure as she moved around the kitchen with ease, gathering supplies. Returning with the milk, she leant on the other side of the breakfast bar facing me.

  “You know, I do have some pictures of us. Despit
e your continued aversion to having your photo taken, I do have a few.”

  I grinned at her words. “Really? Can I see them?” I asked hopefully.

  “I have one on my phone, actually.” She pulled it from her back pocket and began searching for it. “Here.” She handed me the phone. “I can email it to you with the rest of them.”

  I barely heard her words as I focused on the image in front of me. It was a selfie with me cuddled up behind Jamie. My hair was wet like I’d just stepped out of the shower. Jamie’s eyes were a dazzling shade of blue. We looked tired but happy.

  I was shaken from my daydream when a mug of tea was pushed in front of me. I looked up, meeting her eyes. “Can you text it to me?” I said, handing back her phone.

  “Sure.”

  I picked up a biscuit to occupy my hands. The photo finally made it so real. Not just feelings, dreams or stories; it was physical proof.

  My phone pinged in my pocket. I quickly took it out to look at the photo again.

  “Where was this taken?” I asked.

  “My place. York. We’d just had a hot shower after going on a long walk to see some wild flowers. Your idea not mine,” she replied with a grin.

  I looked down at the photo on my phone again. We looked really happy. Our faces were bleached by the stringent light, but our eyes were bright and clear. The wrinkles at the edges gave away the contentment and bliss we both felt. I looked up, not realising Jamie’s eyes were fixed on me. I felt my stomach lurch as her eyes focused on mine.

  “We look happy,” I said, when I eventually found my voice.

  “We’d just ordered a Chinese if I remember rightly.” She giggled a little at her own words, making me smile. “But, yes, we were happy,” she concluded, a little more soberly.

  It only led me to more questions. If we were so happy, why walk away? Jamie had explained her reasons, but with so much information to absorb, I needed time to let it permeate for a while before asking more questions. I didn’t want to keep asking the same questions and irritating her.

  “It might take me a few days to dig some of them out, but if you give me your email I’ll send them to you.”

  “Thanks. I’ll text you my email,” I said, typing a reply to her picture text. I waited for the confirmation buzz on her phone before putting mine down on the worktop. Focusing on the room around me, I took a large gulp of tea. “You have a lovely home.”

  “Thanks,” she said around another biscuit.

  I guess it wasn’t the greatest compliment when it’s a house that was left to you in a will.

  “So what are the other photos of?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “Umm, just snaps really, but I think I have one of us at my aunt’s birthday party at my parents’ house.”

  “I’ve met your parents?” I said, a little shocked.

  “Yes. And, for the record, they quite liked you.”

  “Quite liked me?” I asked with raised eyebrows.

  “Okay. They really liked you … even if you did make out with their daughter in the bathroom.”

  “That was you, right?” I managed with a straight face.

  “Yes, it was me!” She slapped my hand as I reached for another biscuit.

  “And, just for the record, I think it was you that made out with me,” I said with a grin.

  “Bastard!” She picked up the biscuit I was making a grab for and threw it at me. I ducked just in time to see it fly past me. The scampering of claws let me know Murphy had made short work of it as it bounced around on the floor.

  I broke the silence that had fallen between us. “I should get going,” I said reluctantly after catching sight of the time, curtesy of the old-fashioned clock hanging on the back wall. Picking up my jacket from the stool next to me, I put it on as I headed for the back door to put on my boots. Finding out all the stuff we had done together made me feel closer to her. I wanted to hear more, but unfortunately I’d promised Miles I would work tomorrow to make up for having the day off sick last week.

  “I’ll email those pictures to you,” Jamie said as she moved around to the door.

  “Thanks,” I said as I stood from lacing up my boots.

  Jamie was leant back against the wall next to the door. Her eyes bore into mine as we both stood in silence for several moments. I didn’t even see her reach up to rectify the collar of my jacket. I felt a hand move to the back of my neck, guiding me to her. I stumbled forward, trying to keep my balance, aware that Jamie only had socks on her feet. Our lips met in a crush. I pulled back long enough to feel her breath on my cheek as her eyes lazily opened before leaning in to kiss her, more firmly this time. Our lips parted at the same time. She tasted of perfumey Earl Grey and coconut. Our breathing came in short gasps as our kiss deepened, tongues calmly battling, stroking. I reached down, grasping her hips with both hands as I pressed against her, drawing a groan from her as I fell further under her spell. I pulled back to catch my breath, nuzzling into her neck, and realised how much I had missed such intimate contact, the feel of someone next to me. She felt comfortable and unfamiliar at the same time.

  “Wow!” I hoarsely blew out the words with a long breath.

  “Are you okay? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have–”

  Her fingers were still buried in my hair as she spoke. I cut her off before she could voice her regret. “It’s fine. I’ve missed this. I mean, I haven’t … with anyone.” I felt the stab of tears on the back of my eyes as I rested my head on her shoulder. My words didn’t altogether make sense to me, let alone Jamie, but I knew from the bits of memory I did have we’d shared something special in the time we were together. The more time I spent with her, the more I wanted it back. I raised my head up, grazing my lips along the side of her face. Her scent was intoxicating. It felt like we had been working up to this all day, all the talk of the months we had been together, the intimacies we had shared. I softly kissed her neck as I moved my left hand to the side of her face and pulled back, seeing the dark desire in her eyes. Using my thumb, I traced the outline of her parted lips before moving forward to capture her lips again. She responded immediately to my advances. I was lost in the moment until a feeling of total loss filled me, pushing out all the warm sensations Jamie had ignited.

  “I have to go.” I heard the cold edge to my voice as I said the words against her neck. Withdrawing from Jamie, I quickly grabbed Murphy’s lead before slipping out the door. I didn’t look back in case she was standing there watching me walk away. It hurt to be so close to her. It felt like I was grieving for something, for us, for what I had lost. She had given up on me once, maybe she would do it again. I couldn’t let that happen. I needed a little space, time to think about what I had learned about her and our time together.

  Regardless of my disappointment in Jamie, my body continued to betray me. I thought about the last time I’d felt the intimate touch of another woman, not counting the attractive young physiotherapist from the rehab centre. It was over a year ago, or over two if you add on the missing nine months. The memory of my thirty-second birthday was one of my last real memories. I was out with James and a few friends from work. We’d been eating and drinking in Manchester, starting at Kosmonaut then venturing onto the Ruby Lounge. I had to put James in a taxi in the early hours and considered doing the same, but I’d got my second wind by then and decided to have a last drink at Vanilla. There I met a student nurse by the name of Lara. She was fun, exciting and wanted to help me celebrate more intimately. I was only too happy to oblige.

  I only had snippets of my time with Jamie, nothing that I could string together, yet they still outshone any thoughts of Lara. Jamie and her soft touch made my lips tingle all the way home.

  Chapter 9

  The events of the last weekend, coupled with working most of the week, had turned me into a slob. I had always been a pretty tidy person, which admittedly is remarkably easy when you spend a lot of time staying in hotel rooms with cleaners on hand daily if things got too messy. Not that I too
k advantage of that very often, preferring my privacy. On the rare occasion I took the ‘do not disturb’ sign off the door it was usually because I’d run out of toilet roll. It was mostly the fear of knowing that someone else had a key that made me keep my room pretty shipshape. Nothing worse than a complete stranger picking up your dirty knickers from the floor. In all fairness, Murphy had played her part in this instance, destroying plastic bottles and cardboard packaging, not to mention the takeaway menus that encroached on her space when they were pushed through the letterbox like some kind of K9 shredder.

  After tidying up the kitchen, I moved to the sitting room. Everything had been dumped on the sofa after Murphy had decided to have a mad minute doing the wall of death around the furniture one night. Clearing the sofa of newspapers, clothing and other acquired debris, I found the hooded top that Jamie had worn when she came back for Chinese. Instinctively I took a long sniff, inhaling her scent. I could almost feel her presence next to me. It brought a tinge of guilt to the surface for skipping out on her last weekend after our impromptu kiss.

  We had been in contact a few times during the week, via email and text, but neither of us had broached the subject. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I remembered. I’d made a sharp exit, but it’s not like I’d totally ignored her since. Unlike James, whom I’d totally blanked all week. I felt guilty on both fronts. That night at her house it just got too much to be near her and emotions got the better of me. I didn’t want to blow up in front of her. I needed time to process and decompress. I wanted to get to know her better before getting into anything physical. I wasn’t the same person as before. I wasn’t looking for a quick fling.

  I’d already printed out the photos she’d emailed. They mostly featured ones of us in various domestic or leisure situations. There were a few of us together, including the selfie Jamie had taken on her phone, showing us cuddled up with wet hair. Jamie’s blue eyes shone like gem stones. There was another one of us both together in what looked like a party situation. We were looking at each other as someone else snapped the picture. From the outside looking in, we looked ecstatically happy as we gazed at each other, oblivious to the camera in our vicinity.