Latent Memories

by Charlotte Mills

  “What have we got?” Jamie enquired, licking her lips.

  “Umm, pork pie, salad, smoked cheese, fresh bread and some fruit and brownies for afters.”

  “Do you two always eat like this?”

  “Like what?” I asked in all innocence, looking at the foods that made up my staple diet.

  After eating, we both laid out on the blanket, soaking up the warm sunshine. I turned on my side to face her, propping my head on my hand.

  “So, have you decided what you’re going to do about work?” I was meant to be giving her a break from it today, but I knew she’d been thinking about it.

  She turned to face me, mirroring my position. “Not really. I think I’m going to look for something else. It’s not a job I really wanted. It was just a stop gap … nowhere near as good as my job in York.”

  “What kind of job would you like?”

  “Something a bit more heritage-based. I studied history for a reason.”

  I watched as she adjusted her position on the blanket.

  “I thought about going back to uni to do an MA.”

  “Really?” I said, a little surprised, wondering if she was escaping from the job market for a while.

  “Maybe. Your job’s only seasonal.” It sounded so final the way she said it. “When does your contract end?”

  “September.” I was just getting into the swing of it. I didn’t want to think about September right now. I had no idea what I was going to do after, or if there was any chance I could stick around. With the lack of funding in the government for environmental issues, I couldn’t see that happening any time soon.

  “Do you know what you’re going to do then?”

  “No.” I’d been hoping the job would prepare me for getting back to work with James, but my priorities had changed since having Jamie back in my life. Even if I could go back to my old job, I wouldn’t want to work away so much anymore. I was just half of this relationship. “What would make you happy?” I asked.

  Jamie frowned at me. “I am happy.” She reached out, caressing my neck with the back of her fingers. Her eyes focused on mine. “Really happy. Are you?”

  “Incredibly.” My reply was quick. I didn’t need to think about it at all. I grinned back at her.

  “There is one thing I’ve been thinking about, but I’m not sure it’s the right time for us.”

  I was intrigued. What did she think we weren’t ready for?

  “I’d like us to have a baby … maybe more than one.”

  I was not expecting that. “I … er … wow!” I tried to keep my wide eyes under control as I looked at her.

  “Shocking isn’t it. My sister having a baby has made me really broody.”

  “It’s not that crazy. I think you’d make a great mum.”

  “You do?”

  I nodded my reply. “Would you have the baby?” I asked. Although I’d never felt the need to actually go through the process of carrying a child, I had occasionally thought about having my own family one day and, being an only child myself, I’d always seen more than one child in that family.

  “I’d like to. Have you thought about it?” Jamie asked.

  It was immature and stupid to think it, but I had a real fear of pain. My accident had done nothing to curb that. If anything, it had made it worse. “I think I’d be scared of actually popping them out after the nine months.”

  Jamie dissolved into a giggle at my response. “That’s a very small part of it, although my sister was in labour for about eight hours.”

  I shivered at her words. “What about more than one? I was an only child. I would have liked a sibling when I was growing up.”

  “Okay, more than one then. I’d like them to be both of ours.”

  I must have gone pale at her words as she quickly jumped to my rescue.

  “There’s a method called reciprocal IVF in which your fertilized egg” – She pointed to my chest – “would be inserted into me” – Her finger returned to her stomach – “and I would carry it. That way it would be both of ours.”

  “You’ve researched this already?” I said, a little surprised.

  “A bit,” Jamie admitted with a weak grin. “Financially it’s possible. I sold my house in York when I moved here.”

  “Is it expensive?” I hadn’t even considered the cost.

  “It depends on how long it takes … how successful it is.”

  “You know I’d pay half of whatever it costs if we did it, right?” I couldn’t let her pay for what would be our child.

  “There’s a couple of good family planning centres that specialise in lesbian couples in London.”

  I nodded my understanding, wondering if she had thought about a sperm donor already, too. “Can I think about it for a bit?” Jamie had obviously had time to process these ideas and feelings. I felt I needed to do the same before I could answer her fully. I was a little worried we hadn’t had enough time to ourselves yet. It was selfish, I knew it, but I wanted Jamie all to myself for a while yet.

  “Of course.”

  I leant forwards, kissing her firmly on the lips. I loved the way she reacted to me, snaking an arm around my neck, pulling us closer together.

  Reaching out, I undid the belt and buttons on her trousers, slipping my hand inside, cupping the outside of her underwear, softly running my fingertips up and down the cotton material covering her swelling lips. She groaned into my mouth at my continued efforts. I could feel the dampness soaking through.

  She pulled back, looking at me. “Should we be doing this here?”

  I looked around us for effect. “We’re all alone in the wilderness … Who’s gonna know?”

  A smile appeared on her face. “In that case …” She repeated my actions, slipping her hand inside my trousers.

  Chapter 22

  Walking through the dunes, I could see Jamie kicking at the sand with her bare feet. She was still dressed in her work clothes, her blue cotton shirt untucked, shirt sleeves and trouser legs rolled up. Her trainers dangled from her slender fingers; she had obviously been home first. Finishing early wasn’t a good sign; her new boss was obviously still giving her problems.

  She looked deep in thought as she continued to play with the sand between her toes. I bent down to let Murphy off the lead. Jamie turned towards me as Murphy belted past her towards the sea.

  “You’re late.”

  I frowned at her harsh tone, joining both ends of the lead together before hanging it around my neck. I didn’t react, not wanting to argue, adding to her bad day.

  “Sorry. Murphy decided to obliterate several takeaway menus and newspapers, so I had to tidy that up, then I couldn’t find her lead.” I looked up to see Jamie had already strolled off. The beach was almost empty as I rushed to catch up to her. “Hey! What’s up?” I asked, falling into step with her brisk pace.

  “I spoke to James earlier. He said you were going back to work with him.”

  “What? No, that’s not what I said to him. He called me this morning, moaning on about how he’s struggling with the contract he’s working on at the moment. He asked me if I would take a look. I said I could give it a try, but I’m not going back to work with him, not like before.”

  “What then?” Her tone was still brash, even in the wind.

  “He’s emailing me some stuff to look at over the weekend. That’s it.”

  “Where is it?”

  “Er, Worcestershire, I think,” I said, recalling my conversation with James. I couldn’t work out why she was so angry. Was she worried I was going to start working away again? Maybe she’d seen the new plans for North Cliff. I scolded myself for not talking to her about it earlier.

  “But you’re getting better all the time; your memory is returning.”

  “Jamie.” I tried to keep a calm tone. “It’s not about memories. I just can’t do that job anymore. It’s like spinning plates. Before, I could happily manage nine or ten jobs at a time, keeping an eye on them all, but now I can barely manage
four at a time. I’d never be able to keep up. I couldn’t stand it last time. I just feel bad. It was our company and I’ve walked away from it all, left James to do it all on his own.”

  “I’m sorry.” Her tone had changed to one of regret.

  “Hey. What’s brought all this on?” I asked, reaching for her free hand. Her pace slowed a little as our fingers slid together.

  “You left your notebook in the kitchen this morning. I looked through it. I’m sorry. I saw all the pages covered in layout designs for the gardens you’re working on at North Cliff Park. You got Miles to change the plans didn’t you?”

  I swallowed hard. “The original ones were crap. There was no style to it. It was boring. I just thought I’d try and see if I could do any better.”

  “I knew as soon as I saw the new plans. Miles! I bet he hasn’t had a creative idea in his life.”

  “Hey! He’s a good guy,” I replied, jumping to Miles’s defence. I felt guilty for not telling Jamie what I’d done, but it was really just an exercise. I didn’t expect anything to come of it. “I showed him my ideas, but I honestly didn’t think they’d change anything.”

  Jamie stopped abruptly, retrieving her hand to rub her forehead. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.” A look of frustration appeared on her face. “It wasn’t meant to go like this.”

  “What do you mean? Go like what?” I asked, worried I hadn’t got to the bottom of the issue yet.

  “I was going to ask you, if you wanted to, that is … to move in with me.”

  I felt a grin involuntarily appear on my face. “Really?”

  “I mean we already live together most of the time. I just thought we could make it official. I mean, you can still keep your place in case you need some space, and we can find somewhere new together if you–”

  I stepped a little closer. “Stop talking. Yes. I’d love to move in with you.”

  Jamie dropped her shoes before pulling me into her arms. Her grip was firm as I kissed the side of her face. It felt good to break new ground at last. We’d never actually got as far as moving in together before.

  I kept my voice low as I spoke. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the park plans. I was going to talk to you about James this evening.” I pulled back to look at Jamie; her wide smile was a reflection of mine.

  “It’s fine. I’m just being stupid.”

  “I’m not going back to Manchester or anywhere else … I promise.”

  “Sorry. Anyway, there’s no escape now I know where you live!”

  “How about we go home and celebrate.”

  “Sounds perfect to me.”

  Her hand grasped mine as we parted.

  “I can feel some Chinese ribs coming on.”

  ***

  “Oh my God! Why do you put yourself through that? Sadist!” Jamie groaned as she staggered up the steps to the back door. Jogging, we had now discovered, wasn’t her thing. Luckily, it was only a fleeting response to the amount of Chinese food we had consumed last night. At least I’d managed to persuade Jamie that it had to be a fifty-fifty split if she wanted me to move in.

  I held my tongue, avoiding the ‘I told you so’ as I pulled the towel from the veranda handrail. Grappling with Murphy, I attempted to rub the sea water from her fur while Jamie unlocked the back door and disappeared inside. I figured she needed a sit down after her strenuous workout.

  With Murphy marginally drier and looking like she’d had a minor electric shock, we followed inside. I smiled at the sight of Jamie flat-out on the sofa, a half empty bottle of water resting on her stomach.

  “Would you like me to run you a bath? Maybe you should soak for a while.”

  A swift knock at the front door prevented her from answering. Jamie groaned as she moved to answer it.

  “Hello, my name is Nicola Anderson. I was an old friend of Louise Buxton. You must be Jamie?”

  The stranger’s voice was soft with a twang of an accent I couldn’t quite place.

  “Er, yes … How did you–?” Jamie seemed flummoxed as she stumbled over her words.

  “I … well, we’ve met before, actually a couple of times. You were much smaller then of course.”

  “Oh … er, would you like to come in?”

  As Jamie stepped aside, I took the opportunity to get my first glance at Nicola Anderson. She was in her late fifties at a guess, tall and slim in build, her short dark hair streaked with grey. Her walking boots squeaked on the floor as she moved. Dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved, grey shirt, she looked elegant but practical. As she got closer I could see her features were neat; she had aged well. Her large brown eyes locked on the black and white abstract painting on the wall in the hall as she made her way into the kitchen.

  “Umm, I’m guessing you already know she passed last year?” Jamie’s expression was one of shock and sadness. I guess as close as she was to her aunt, she didn’t really meet any of Lou’s friends or acquaintances.

  “Yes, a mutual friend contacted me. I don’t live in the UK. I’ve lived abroad for the last thirty years. I’m over here on business and I know it’s belated, but I wanted to pay my respects.”

  I racked my brain, trying to place her accent. It was half-British and half-Australian maybe. Jamie continued to the pair of sofas, offering a hand out for Nicola to take a seat.

  “That’s very kind. Please sit down. Would you like some tea?” Jamie offered.

  “Yes, thank you.”

  Putting my bottle of water down, I headed towards the kitchen, ready to prepare the tea.

  “This is my partner, Robin. Sorry for our appearance. We’ve been jogging on the beach.”

  I flashed them both a look of pride at her introduction. I let my eyes linger on Jamie a little, smiling to myself that she had introduced me as her partner. It felt good.

  “I see that … and who’s this?” Nicola said, rubbing an excited Murphy as she danced around her legs.

  “This is Murphy,” Jamie offered.

  With the kettle on, I leant against the worktop. “So how did you know Lou?” I asked, unable to keep the words in any longer.

  Nicola looked down at her hands as if she was unsure of her words. “We were … close once.”

  “Together?” Jamie half-clarified.

  Nicola seemed reluctant to answer at first as she fiddled with her watch.

  “Yes … we met at university in London. I was studying art while Lou was doing psychology. We were friends initially. We both worked in the Student Union bar to make a bit of extra money. I don’t know how people afford to go these days. We stayed friends, a few years later we got together.”

  I looked at Jamie. She seemed lost in the moment as she stared at Nicola, taking it all in. I was about to ask what Lou was like when she was younger when Jamie piped up.

  “You said we’ve met before?” she questioned.

  “Yes.” Nicola settled back on the sofa. “We lived in a flat in London. Your mother brought you and your sister to visit a few of times. You were about five or six I think the last time I saw you.”

  I looked at Jamie. She had a mixture of shock and sadness on her face. I wondered how much she actually knew about her aunt’s private life. From what she had told me, Lou had been single the entire time she had known her. At such a young age, you don’t take in the dynamics between people. Friends could easily be lovers.

  “Was there a lift? Like a cage?” Jamie asked with a frown.

  Nicola’s face lit up. “Yeah, with one of those metal doors that squashes up when you open it. We were on the top floor and that lift was tiny. It drove us both crazy. Every bit of furniture had to be flat-pack. All my canvasses had to be three foot or smaller.”

  “Canvases? You’re a painter?” I asked, drawing her attention to me.

  “Yes. The canvas in the hall is one of mine. I’m not sure how it got here, though. I’ve only exhibited in New Zealand since leaving the UK.”

  “What?” Jamie said as she caught my eyes across the room.

>   Wow, I had so many questions. New Zealand? The painting? How long were they together? Why did they split up? If I had this many questions, how many did Jamie have? Pouring boiling water into the teapot, I abandoned tea-making to go out in the hallway to study the painting in question. It measured about two and a half feet square, the surface was constructed of thick, wide, black, sweeping strokes, in dispersed with thin, spindly, delicate brush marks. In the bottom left-hand corner, I spotted what I thought was a signature. I had to squint to make it out. It looked like nanderson 97.

  I heard muffled voices as I re-entered the kitchen. They both looked in my direction as I resumed my place, making tea.

  “It’s dated ninety-seven,” I said as I placed mugs and milk on a tray with the teapot.

  “How long were you together?” Jamie asked as I placed the tray on the coffee table between them.

  “Almost five years.” Nicola offered no further information, but I knew Jamie wouldn’t leave it at that.

  “Why did you split up?” Jamie flashed me a weak smile as I perched on the sofa next to her. “Sorry, it’s none of my business,” she added in a low voice.

  Nicola didn’t seem fazed by the question at all.

  “It’s fine … I, well, I wanted children and Lou didn’t.”

  “I’m sorry,” Jamie said sadly.

  “She was very focused on her career … and she felt she couldn’t balance the two at the same time. I tried to convince her, but there was no changing her mind. I lived with it for a while. I thought we’d be together forever, we were still young, maybe she’d change her mind. A few months later, I was offered a teaching job in New Zealand for a year. Lou urged me to go for it.”

  “She wanted you to go?” I asked.

  Nicola nodded her head. “She said she didn’t want to hold me back. I didn’t intend to stay, but they offered me a permanent job at the end of the year and over the years I’ve made it my home.”

  “Did you stay in touch?” I asked as I stirred the brewing tea.