Latent Memories

by Charlotte Mills

  “The time difference was difficult. No email of course back then, but we wrote to each other for about a year or so then it petered out. It was pretty clear from her letters it was over.”

  Jamie shuffled her hands nervously next to me. She reached out, picking up the tea spoon I’d just placed on the tray.

  “Did you get your family in the end?” I realised how strange my question was. “Sorry, that sounded a bit weird.”

  A smile crept across her face. “No … I met my partner some years later, too late for both of us unfortunately. Johanna, my wife, we only married last year … we couldn’t legally adopt until recently.”

  “Sorry,” I said lamely. They’d both had such unlucky or unhappy lives in one way or another. I wondered how different it would have been if they’d stayed together.

  “I looked after my aunt when she was ill, she talked of a Nick, I’m guessing that was you. I don’t remember her ever having another partner,” Jamie said, almost to herself as she poured the tea.

  I handed Nicola the first cup, turning the handle of the milk in her direction.

  “Thanks,” she said as she sat back, refusing any milk. She bit her lip as if holding something back. Learning that Lou had been celibate since her departure was obviously news to her. For some reason Lou had made the decision to end the relationship for both of them.

  I watched as she scanned the room in an effort to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. “You have a lovely home, amazing light and views.”

  A classic painter’s assessment, thinking of the light to work by. I wondered if it had been in Lou’s mind when she found the place.

  “It was Lou’s; she left it to me when she died,” Jamie replied.

  Nicola swallowed hard. “She always did have great taste.”

  “I don’t understand why she didn’t want to have kids. She used to spend a lot of time with me and my sister when we were young. She was always so happy to entertain us.” Jamie’s tone had changed. It was quickly edging towards one of frustration. I reached out, covering her hand with mine. Her eyes met mine, revealing her grief. I knew from our conversations that Jamie had idolised Lou in many ways, admiring her approach to living her life just as she wanted, maybe to the point of denying her own happiness in favour of someone else’s. Thankfully Nicola stepped in, attempting to relieve some of Jamie’s despondency.

  “She was very fond of you … wrote about you climbing trees in her letters. I’m sorry I don’t have all the answers. I got the feeling she thought she wouldn’t have been a good parent.”

  Jamie huffed in frustration. “Actually, I think she left a couple of letters for you.” Jamie got up, leaving the room.

  “How long are you staying in the UK?” I asked, wondering if Jamie would like to meet up with her again before she left.

  “A couple more weeks. I’m staying in London, sorting out an exhibition of my work in a small gallery in Green Park.”

  I heard an audible sniff from the next room. Excusing myself, I found Jamie standing on the front reception room. She had her back to me. I had never been in this room and rarely seen Jamie in here. It had been Lou’s office when she lived here. Her desk still occupied one side of the room with a large bookcase to the left filled with reference books. Opposite the desk was a large abstract painting. I wondered if it was another one of Nicola’s, but couldn’t see the signature clearly.

  “Jamie,” I said lightly, getting her attention.

  She turned, a tissue to her nose. I noticed a bundle of letters in her hand as she walked towards me. Pulling her into my arms, I felt her relax against me. I knew Jamie was well aware of Lou’s sexuality, so I figured Nicola’s arrival had brought back upsetting memories of Lou’s demise to cancer. Noticing the comfortable chair in front of the painting, I wondered whether Lou had ever seen therapy patients at her house.

  Nicola appeared sheepishly in the doorway. “I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have come … I should get going.”

  Jamie was silent, unable to produce any words. I was just about to try and stop her from leaving when her eyes widened at the painting behind us.

  “God! How did she get that?”

  My suspicions confirmed, I didn’t know quite what to say. Lou had obviously kept track of Nicola and her career. I couldn’t help seeing the similarity with Jamie keeping up to date with my progress after the accident. It must be a Buxton trait to not quite let go of people.

  I watched Nicola as she scanned the room. Her gaze fell on the large desk. Stepping further in the room, she picked up a snow globe that was serving as a paperweight. It looked out of place in the tidy office. The black base was faded from the sun on one side. I could vaguely make out the outline of the Eiffel tower as she shook it, disturbing all the settled flakes.

  “I bought her this as a memento of our trip to Paris one year. I can’t believe she kept it.”

  We were all silent for a few moments as Nicola wiped at a stray tear.

  Jamie made the first move. Pulling out of my arms, she offered Nicola the letters she’d been holding.

  “These are yours.”

  Nicola looked reluctant to take them, until she spotted her name scrawled on the top one in the small pile. Putting the snow globe down, she held the small bundle of letters, smoothing them out with the fingers of her other hand.

  “Thank you for seeing me. I’m sorry if I’ve upset you.”

  Nicola disappeared into the hallway as if she had never been here at all. I wished it could have been that easy for Jamie to forget her presence. It had obviously stirred up a lot of unsaid feelings Lou had about her life, things she hadn’t confided in Jamie about regardless of how close they were. A thought crossed my mind. Had it been Nicola casting a shadow at the door that night, checking out Lou’s last known address, preparing for a visit?

  I tried to comfort Jamie, but she seemed so disappointed in Lou’s behaviour. It felt like there was something else going on, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. My lack of familiarity with Lou gave me little to fight back with.

  ***

  I watched Jamie as she perched on the side of the bath while I quickly showered. She was still in shock. She blew her nose again before speaking.

  “When she talked about Nick, she said she regretted letting her go. I think that’s what was in the letter. I can’t believe I forgot about visiting them in London.”

  Turning off the shower, I grabbed my towel. Wrapping it around me, I quickly went to Jamie’s side. I wanted to comfort her, pull her into my arms and make her forget today’s events had ever happened. She was still focused on the tissue in her hands as I tucked unruly strands of hair behind her ear.

  “That could have been us.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

  She was right in some ways, but I had made sure it hadn’t been. I didn’t want the guilt to eat her up all over again. Kneeling down in front of her, I held her hands in mine as I tried to provide some solace. “It wasn’t and I won’t ever let it be us. We couldn’t break the bond between us after the accident and a year and a half apart … I love you. I’ll never let you go like that.” I watched as a tear slipped down her cheek.

  “I lost you once, I couldn’t go through that again.”

  Her words brought tight knots to my stomach, more tears fell as my words failed in their mission. “You won’t have to … I promise. I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said the other day, about having a baby.”

  She looked up, meeting my eyes. “You have?” There was an edge of surprise in her voice.

  “Yes. First of all, if we do it we’re going halves on everything, just like living together. It’s not fair of you to pay everything to start our family.”

  “Okay. Fair point.”

  She seemed to buck up a little at my change of subject. I still worried how she would take my proposition. It meant delaying her plans, at least for now. Reaching up, I stroked the side of her face.

  “I love you. I’m so happy I found
you again … I’m just getting used to us. Being with you is all I want right now. I would love to have a family with you, but first I want some time for just us. Is that selfish?”

  The first sparks of a smile appeared on her face. It took a few beats for her to respond. “No, it’s not selfish at all. Sometimes I forget you haven’t done this before.” She produced a lopsided grin, which made my heart swell.

  “Are you disappointed?” I had to know how she felt.

  She blew out a long breath before replying. “No … Yes … I’m broody, but you’re right; I’m rushing into it. We need some time for us. You mean the world to me. Nothing will ever change that.”

  She bent down, gently kissing my lips.

  Chapter 23

  Eighteen Months Later

  I woke up, unsure as to what had actually triggered it. A noise outside sounded like a crying baby. As my mind slowly came into focus, I realised it was cats fighting. Why did they have to wait till four o’clock in the morning to have their turf wars? I’d have to get used to that noise pretty soon maybe; over the last few months we’d both been through a multitude of tests and examinations, screening for infections and diseases, not to mention counselling and the synchronising of cycles. My eggs had been retrieved, inseminated and transferred into Jamie. It all sounded so manufactured, unnatural.

  Glancing across at Jamie, in the cool light of the room, I could see she was fast asleep on her back. Her pyjama top had ridden up, exposing the soft planes of her abdomen. Realising I had fallen asleep in my T-shirt, I quietly slipped it over my head. Jamie looked so relaxed with one arm thrown over her head, the other trailing by her side. She was so beautiful without even trying.

  Focusing on her exposed belly, I wondered what was going on in there right this minute. It had been over a week since our appointment; it was a waiting game now. We’d both been on edge a little over the last few days; I’d escaped onto the beach with Murphy on more than one occasion, taking my frustrations out on the sand as I ran. Surprisingly, Jamie had been a little more pragmatic, explaining to me it was only our first attempt and we needed to be patient.

  Slowly pulling the sheet down that had been covering us both, I exposed her soft mound of blonde curls. Stealthily moving my body, blowing warm air through her small mass of curls, I ran my hand up her thigh after placing soft kisses along the way. I felt her slowly begin to stir as I continued in my ministrations, running my tongue along the edge of her delicate lips. Her hips spread a little wider, urging me on. Getting to my knees, I settled between her thighs to continue what I had started. Spreading her lips with my hand, I homed in on her clit, circling it with my tongue. My other hand looped under her thigh, holding her close. Her groans were intoxicating. A hand found its way to mine, pulling me up to her. Crawling up her body, I replaced my mouth with two fingers. Cupping my face, she locked eyes with me in the dim light of the room and met me halfway, capturing my lips, pulling me back with her. Stretching out, I settling on top of her as arms wrapped around me, flipping me over to what had been my side of the bed. She pulled away, smiling wildly, no doubt at the shocked look on my face.

  Trailing kisses down my neck and chest, she whispered against my skin, “Are you wet for me?”

  I was a little shocked at her words. “I … yes,” was all I could muster as she used her thigh to push mine apart.

  “I hope so,” she replied as she moved her weight onto her left side, allowing her right hand to slip between us, cupping me before tracing the line of my lips. Slowly slipping her fingers between them, we both moaned in unison as she gently stroked me, spreading my juices. I reached for her, bringing our lips together as she made lazy circles around my clit. Our kisses became deeper and more urgent. Moments later, she pulled away again, rearranging her body on top of mine, pressing her hot centre against mine. I moved my legs, allowing better contact as I began moving my hips in time with her thrusts.

  I could feel Jamie’s breath on my neck as she peppered it with kisses. It didn’t take long before we both slipped over the edge, only seconds apart.

  “I love you,” I whispered as I pulled her close, enjoying the gentle pressure from the continued rocking of her hips against me as we both caught our breath.

  Jamie deposited a soft, slow kiss on my still-panting lips. “I love you, too … That’s definitely the best way to start the day.”

  I smiled at her words, kissing the top of her head as she moved to my side, tucking herself under my arm. I drifted off in blissful sleep until the grey light of the January day made its way into our bedroom.

  Sitting on the edge of the bed to put my socks on, I thought of the work I had lined up for the next couple of days. Over the last six months, I’d come to an arrangement with James, taking on some of the clerical and design work I used to do for Eco-Scape, it meant a lot more working from home and I only visited clients in the areas around Suffolk. This week I had a desktop search to do for a new techno-business park on the outskirts of Reading. I smiled, knowing Jamie would also be working from home at some point this week on her heritage assignment for her master’s degree. No doubt very little work would be achieved on that particular day.

  A scream from down the landing pulled me out of my thoughts. Holding my sock, I rushed towards the bathroom just managing to sidestep Murphy in time. Jamie met be in the doorway; her eyes were wild.

  “I’m pregnant!” she shouted, brandishing the test stick in her hand.

  Murphy barked wagging her tail at the excitement. “What?” was my first, not-so-well-thought-out response. “It worked on the first go?”

  “Yep! We’re pregnant!”

  “Wow!” I subconsciously looked down at Jamie’s stomach. The smile on my face threatened to split my head in half. I looked back up, meeting Jamie’s eyes. “We’re starting our family.”

  “I know … It’s scary.”

  I pulled her into my arms. “I love you so much. I’ll be with you all the way.”

  She pressed herself against me and her muffled words made their way to my ear. “I love you, too … Even in the delivery room?”

  “Of course.” I swallowed hard, shaking that particular image from my head. She pulled away, grinning at her own words, fully aware of my feelings on pain, mine or anyone else’s. Her eyes focused on the test again as if seeking confirmation. I couldn’t help but think our early morning antics had been the catalyst. Maybe I had special powers.

  “We should frame it,” I said.

  She smiled briefly, not taking her eyes off it. Reaching for my hand, she led us down the stairs, Murphy hot on our heels.

  “Where are we going?” I asked as we entered what had become our study. We’d kept the painting Lou had lovingly sourced, adding a computer and table for me to make scaled-down models.

  “I’m going to date it, so we never forget.”

  I watched her scrawl today’s date on the handle in permanent marker. “Trust me, we won’t forget.” I figured we needed to wait for confirmation at our appointment, but I still wanted to push the boat out, just a little. “We should celebrate!”

  “I need to call my parents, but maybe we should wait for the blood test next week.”

  “Okay, but let’s take the day off. I could make us some breakfast, we can go for a walk, watch a movie, anything you like.”

  She moved closer, a wide smile on her lips. “Why don’t we go back to bed for a while and work up an appetite.”

  I grinned back at her. “Sounds perfect.” I took her hand, leading the way. Maybe with my powers we’d have twins. Jesus! We were going to be parents. It was time to make an honest woman of her. “Shotgun wedding,” I mumbled under my breath as we made our way up the stairs.

  “What did you just say?”

  Shit! “Uh, nothing.”

  “What’s that about a shotgun wedding?”

  Dear reader:

  Thank you so much for reading Latent Memories I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. If so, please ta
ke a few moments to write a review on Amazon. Getting feedback from readers is amazingly useful it will also aid other readers in deciding whether this is a novel they might enjoy. Thank You.

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