Journal of a Lifetime (Journals of Love)

by Wolfe, Lisa M.

  Steve hung up before Don could answer and called the police again. “I apparently made a huge mistake,” he admitted. “Lindsey took a flight home last night. I must’ve had her itinerary messed up.”

  Steve didn’t know what to do with himself. He ran both hands through his hair and just stood frozen, staring at the floor. Finally all he could do was drop to his knees and clasp his hands together. “Lord, I submit myself to your will. I don’t understand all that is happening around me, so please help me to see through to the truth. I love Don and still think there is good in him. Please open his heart to you again, Lord. I pray that Lindsey is safe and knows that I care about her. I trust you to resolve this confusion for all of us. Please, Lord.”

  Steve did know that God often speaks through others, so he went straight to the hospital to seek guidance from the one person who might be able to give him an answer.

  He arrived at his grandfather’s hospital room out of breath from running up the stairs. He hadn’t wanted to wait for the elevator.

  “Steve. What are you doing here this early?”

  “Lindsey’s gone, Grandpa. Don says she spent the night with him, he put her on a plane last night and she left,” he said pacing around the bed.

  “Slow down. One thing at a time. When did you last hear from her?”

  “It was yesterday morning before she went out to the Ice Fields. I know the tour doesn’t last long and she was supposed to call me when she returned, but she never did.” He took a deep breath. “I thought she’d gotten busy, or maybe took a nap. You know I was here until late with you but when it was after midnight, I went to check on her. There was no answer, so I went back this morning and checked again.”

  Grandpa didn’t know how much Lindsey had told him. “Did Lindsey tell you about her grandmother?”

  “That she took this trip because her grandma had been here before? Yes, she told me that.”

  “Did she tell you anything else?”

  “Not a lot. Just about her family and her job. Why? And, how did you know about her grandmother?” Steve stopped to stare at his grandfather.

  Steve senior sighed. The time had finally come to tell his grandson about his past. “I knew Adele all those years ago when she visited here,” he said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Lindsey’s grandmother was on my tour during the summer she visited here.”

  Steve’s eyes narrowed in response. Steve’s legs felt as if they wouldn’t hold him any longer, so he sat in the chair next to the bed. “Did you tell Lindsey?”

  “Yes. The day she was here in the hospital I told her about how I fell in love with her grandmother, how I was the one who gave her the cross she wears around her neck … and how it tore D.J. and me apart.”

  Steve ran his fingers through his hair. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”

  “Sometimes things are better left unsaid, Steve. We all have secrets deep in our hearts and some become more powerful when they’re not shared with others. Adele and I decided to keep our relationship private. That way it was just for the two of us.”

  “What does this have to do with Lindsey?”

  “I noticed the cross she wears when you brought her to the video store. That was the reason I fainted. The emotions I felt after seeing the cross must have knocked the blood right out of my head! I knew it was the token I gave to Adele and I never expected to see it again.”

  “This is too much, Grandpa. I feel like I’m going to pass out just from all that’s happening today.” He looked deep into Grandpa’s eyes. “Isn’t anything the way I thought it was?”

  “Only you know what happened between you and Lindsey. From what I saw, she was beginning to fall for you. If she wasn’t, she wouldn’t have spent the afternoon at a hospital for some old man. She would’ve found an excuse to leave.”

  “I know. That’s what I thought too. Things really seemed to be going well between us. I never thought that she’d be interested in Don.”

  Grandpa laughed. “Don? What does Mr. Lover-man have to do with this?”

  “Don said that he … was intimate with her. I just cannot see that happening. Maybe she isn’t the woman that I thought she was—”

  “Let me tell you something, Steve,” Grandpa interrupted and sat up in the bed. “I love Don like a grandson, but I don’t trust anyone in that family. They are only out for themselves. You need to be careful around him. I bet Lindsey will call you soon and wonder what happened to you. It’s probably just a big misunderstanding.”

  “I hope so Grandpa. I don’t think my heart can take much more of an emotional beating than it is right now.” He left feeling a little lighter and prayed his Grandfather was right.

  Twenty-One

  STEVE SPENT THE next day cleaning up the bus from Lindsey’s group. The passengers had kept things fairly clean, and it didn’t take him the usual three hours to get everything in top shape for the next group that was due in two days.

  He got a pleasant surprise when he reached the back row of seats. He slipped on the silver ring pressed down into the seat seam, a perfect fit, to his surprise. The ring was the type that he would have purchased for himself.

  Previous passengers had left things and almost always called as soon as they remembered, so the Sun Dog always had a box labeled for each trip. Steve’s current lost and found included a small music player, some make-up, and a watch.

  He didn’t add the ring to the box though. He kept it on, knowing that when the person who lost it called, he could place it in the mail to him or her right away. For now, the ring would be safer with him, he reasoned. In truth, he just wanted to enjoy it for a little while.

  His chores kept him busy for the first day. This time of year meant four long days of work with the groups and then he’d have three days off. It was a good schedule and left him plenty of time for a life outside of work, although life away from work suddenly didn’t appeal much to him now that Lindsey was gone.

  He had already started to imagine coming home to her after a long day. He would prepare dinner and they would discuss all that had happened during the day.

  In just four short days his world had turned upside down. What used to bring him contentment, no longer did. And now … he didn’t know how he was going to recover from her betrayal.

  Lindsey met Marie the next day for lunch. It was only Friday and she could hardly believe that she’d traveled to another country, fell in love, had her heart broken, and was back home all within four days. It didn’t seem real to her.

  “I just don’t know what to do, Marie,” Lindsey sighed after they’d ordered their lunch. “I really felt that he wanted to be with me. He did everything perfect. Almost too perfect.”

  “You know what they say, Lin. If he looks too good to be true, he probably is.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Lindsey pursed her lips and exhaled. “I don’t see how he could have fooled me, though. I’m usually so cautious and looking for any ounce of doubt or disbelief.”

  “We’ve all made mistakes. Just look at how my life has changed. I thought I knew my husband too.”

  Lindsey saw that most of the pain had eased up in her friend’s eyes. Lindsey squinted her own together pensively. “What’s going on with you? You look like you have a secret?” Lindsey’s question reminded her of Nana’s secrets she had learned about at the beginning of this week too. Nana’s secret still haunted her even now, and Steve’s secret almost drowned both of them. She wasn’t sure she had room in her head for yet another one.

  “I do.” Marie’s giggle was a sound Lindsey hadn’t ever heard come from her. She giggled again. “I’ve been waiting to tell you. You’ll never believe what happened this week while you were gone.” She looked ready to burst.

  “What? What? I think you’d better tell me quick!”

  “Ok. Guess what?”

  “What? I already asked. Tell me!”

  “Pete and I went out to dinner Monday night. He called me a
nd wanted to talk about you. He was worried about your trip and about how you’ve been unable to recover since your Nana’s passing.”

  “And … ?” Lindsey motioned her hands for Marie to continue.

  “And, after I reassured him that you were making improvements and that this trip would be good for you, we started talking about other things.”

  “What kind of ‘other things’?”

  “Things like, what we are looking for in a relationship, how many children we want to have, what we both want out of our lives. Those kinds of things.”

  Lindsey was beginning to understand. “And?” she asked again.

  “And, we made a connection.” There was that giggle again. “I haven’t felt like this in years,” she admitted. “Pete makes me feel so complete and he really accepts me for who I am.”

  Lindsey’s heart healed a little at the thought of two of her closest friends beginning a relationship. “I am so happy for both of you!” she said and reached out to touch Marie’s hand. “This is so sudden. I didn’t think you had any interest in him.”

  “I never gave it much thought either. I wasn’t interested in anyone and didn’t want to trust a man again. But Pete is so much different than the other men I’ve met. We already know his faith is strong, but he’s also funny, considerate, and a great listener.”

  Lindsey nodded. She’d found those things out for herself too, but Pete and her never had that spark a relationship needed to progress beyond a friendship.

  “I could really see myself with him, Lin. Is … is that okay with you?” Marie knew the two were close, but she didn’t know what future thoughts Lindsey might have had regarding Pete—especially now.

  “Of course. You know Pete and I would never make it as a couple. I’m in love with Steve anyway. For a lot of good that’s doing me now.”

  Marie sighed. “I just know this is going to work out for you. It has to. God has good plans for your life and I don’t believe he would put someone so deeply into it and then have them taken away. I know it happens, but not to you.” She hoped.

  “I don’t see how this can be fixed now. The damage is done and I’m hesitant again. It’s probably better this way. I feel safer just going on my own and living my life.”

  “I know how that is. Just be careful about shutting everyone else out. It’s lonely behind those walls.”

  Lindsey just put her head into her hands. She didn’t know how to respond to what she knew was the truth. But she didn’t know what else to do to protect herself. She hadn’t grieved yet – probably wouldn’t be able to for a long time – and knew she needed to give herself time.

  Their conversation returned to local events that had occurred while she was away. She hadn’t missed much, but the local art fair had been a huge success.

  “Pete and I walked around hand in hand for most of the afternoon,” Marie told her. “It was so romantic. He didn’t even seem to mind when members of the congregation spotted us. He’d just wave and smile as if we’d always been together.”

  “That’s great. I knew Pete would be good to the person he chose.”

  “He bought me a beautiful little painting of a blue bird on the outside of a windowsill. The bluebird is looking out onto a view of fields and mountains with nothing but blue sky and sunshine around. He said it reminded him of new beginnings, and that’s what I needed right now.”

  “Oh, that is so sweet,” Lindsey agreed that Marie was ready for new beginnings. She’d sat in the past for too long.

  “You’ll get there too, don’t worry. You’re strong and have a brilliant future ahead. With or without Steve.”

  Lindsey nodded her head. “I know. I just need a little time.”

  Lindsey spent the rest of the day running errands and catching up on her laundry, attempting to prepare herself for next week at work and to avoid thinking too much about Steve.

  She was successful for most of the day, but during the quiet evening hours she found her thoughts getting away from her. As she sat at her dining room table eating a simple salad and reading a magazine, her imagination traveled back to that last dinner in Lake Louise.

  Steve had treated her like a lady and she couldn’t have imagined being anywhere else or with anyone else. She allowed a few tears to fall and gave herself permission to be sad. It wasn’t an emotion she was comfortable with. She knew she needed to feel this in order to get through it. It had been, and would be, a hard lesson to learn, but she could do it.

  Not one to feel sorry for herself, Lindsey decided to just leave the salad on the table and go outside for a walk. She couldn’t just sit in her quiet house any longer.

  The familiarity of her neighborhood calmed her nerves and her fears. She waved to her neighbors who were outside doing yard work. The toddlers splashing in the kiddie pools made her smile. It was a comfortable June evening and almost everyone was outside enjoying it.

  The walk made her feel better and when she returned she was ready to get some rest. Her body was still adjusting from the time difference, but she knew it wasn’t just the physical exhaustion overwhelming her. Her head hurt from thinking too much about Steve. The bags under her eyes were getting bigger from the lack of sleep, and she had to sit on her hands so she wouldn’t pick up the phone and call him, even though she was desperate to do so.

  Twenty-Two

  THE SECOND DAY, which was how he began to count all the days after Lindsey left, Steve spent at the ranch. After talking with her about competing in the Calgary Stampede, he decided to take his practice more seriously.

  His riding times had improved, and he knew his roping was top notch, but the final and most difficult event for him was the bull riding. He couldn’t practice this on his own, as he could some of the other events. Don was usually his training partner and since they were now avoiding each other, he couldn’t do as much training as he liked.

  It took this time of separation for Steve to realize just how intertwined he and Don’s lives had become. They worked, rode, socialized, and lived together. It was no wonder that Don had been threatened by Lindsey’s attention.

  Steve thought it was foolish though – Don should have known that no one could take his place. The men had a lifetime of friendship between them. He was closer to Don than he was to his own brother, but that didn’t seem to matter to Don.

  He thought Don valued their relationship because Don didn’t have a supportive family, or a girlfriend. Their career plans were all Don talked about. Not that it was true, but since Don hadn’t gone to college, Don mentioned many times he felt he had to ride on Steve’s intelligence and success in order to have any future of his own.

  Lindsey wasn’t the first woman Don had scared away. This was just the most vicious attack. He usually succeeded by continually interfering and not allowing a woman time alone with Steve. Women could only take so much before they left. Don’s own track record with women left a lot to be desired. He bounced from one relationship to the next and treated women as playthings, not people.

  Steve tried to be a role model to Don and always treated women with respect, but Don’s family examples had done a lot of damage to his views of women. Plus, Don wasn’t a Christian anymore. Steve prayed for his friend often, that he would come to know the Lord, again and be rescued from his life of folly and lack of purpose.

  Steve held onto his faith during their teenage years, when Don strayed. Don lost more of his faith when his father passed. Steve knew Don was angry with God and blamed Him for everything bad in his life. All Steve could do was be an example and continue to pray for his best friend, yet Don somehow resented anything good that came to Steve. Steve didn’t think Lindsey had been a big threat since she didn’t even live here. If anything, he just expected Don to let their relationship run its course and to be there in the aftermath. He wondered if Don had seen in Lindsey what he did, and realized this wasn’t just a vacation fling.

  Steve’s anger returned at the thought, and with each passing hour that Lindsey didn’t call
, everything Don had told him appeared to be true. He had been wrong about her, been such a fool. Steve knew the right thing to do was to forgive Don. He prayed for the strength to do just that, but he also knew this betrayal would take time to get over.

  His grandfather’s words gave him comfort, but unfortunately, Steve senior didn’t have the ability to see the future.

  Three days passed with no call from Lindsey. Steve picked up the phone a few times to call her, but then he changed his mind.

  He didn’t want to make a fool of himself … again.

  Lindsey spent Saturday alone in her attic, returning to the searching and cleaning she had started weeks ago. Her sense of loss was even greater this time around as she knew all that Nana had sacrificed for her family.

  She searched with a renewed sense of wonder though, as she began to look for any clue of Steve senior.

  She was in luck when after a few quiet hours she discovered a shoe box of letters tucked in between the two by fours in the attic. As soon as she opened the box, she noticed the return address from Steve senior. She hugged the box to her chest and found herself dancing around the attic.

  Her dancing was interrupted by the ringing of the phone. “Hi Mom,” Lindsey answered. She was happy for the break. The morning began cool, but at almost noon, the attic was humid and stale.

  “Did you get home okay yesterday?” her mother asked. Lindsey hadn’t told her she arrived home a day early. “I wanted to call, but your father told me to mind my own business.”

  “Yes, Mom, I’m home.”

  “Well, how was everything? Did you find what you were looking for?” Ann was surprisingly calm considering Lindsey hadn’t talked with her in a few days.

  “I did, and more. The countryside was just breathtaking. I’ve never seen anything like it.” She allowed herself a moment to reminisce. “The people were very kind too. I’d like to go back again one day.”

  “That’s what Mother always said too. I could never understand her fascination with Calgary, but she always talked about going back there one day.”