Journal of a Lifetime (Journals of Love)

by Wolfe, Lisa M.

  That was a surprise to Lindsey. “Did she ever go?” She wondered if Steve senior had lied to her.

  “Unfortunately, no. She took many other trips, but I don’t think she found the time. It was odd though, because when she was sick and I asked if she regretted anything, she said the only thing she did was not returning to Calgary.” Her mother paused. “I thought that was unusual, but I figured she was just replaying the good parts of her life in her mind.”

  Lindsey sighed, saddened. It was much more than that. Nana had wanted to be with the one she loved and in those final days she was hit with the reality that it was never going to happen. Lindsey knew love holds out hope until the very end that it will return to its lover. When that hope left, that meant the end wasn’t too far away.

  “I never knew that,” Lindsey said.

  “I didn’t think it was important at the time. Anyway, are you happy to be home?”

  “I’m settling in again. It’s going to take a while to read-just and I start back to work on Monday.” She couldn’t fathom that she had to return to the life she had before meeting Steve.

  “Can I help you with anything today? I could come over if you’d like and bring dinner?” Lindsey sighed again, annoyed this time. Her mother was up to her usual ploys to see her and then badger her for not calling sooner.

  “I have a lot to do to get ready for Monday, so can I just see you at church in the morning?” she asked hopefully.

  Her mother didn’t respond for a minute. When she heard her father’s voice, she was surprised. “Your mother had to step away from the phone for a minute,” he told her. “She has taken up sculpting and one of her vases is due to come out of the oven.”

  “Sculpting?” Had the whole town turned around since she left?

  “She has been interested in it for years and your little escapade left her alone. You weren’t here to focus on, so she went out and bought all this equipment and made me clean out the garage for her. I never know what’s coming next with her,” he laughed. “But, that’s how I like it.”

  Lindsey laughed too, suddenly admiring her parents. They had found true love and compatibility with each other. “Hang in there, Dad. I’ll see you two in the morning.”

  She took a quick break and when she went into the dining room to fix herself lunch, she realized she hadn’t filled the bird feeders since she’d returned, so she grabbed the bag of seed and went out the back door. It only took her a minute to fill the feeders, but the fresh air made her pause.

  She was thankful to be out of the attic and into the world of the living. She sat on the hammock and let her mind wander, just enjoying the sunshine. The gentle breeze and the sound of the birds chirping lulled her to a gentle sleep.

  She dreamt of Nana. Adele was sitting on the edge of the hammock by her side, and Lindsey felt her heart warm along with the smile that spread on her face. “Finally,” she said. “I’ve missed you so much.” The words weren’t coming out of her mouth. She tried again. “I miss you, Nana.”

  Nana smiled and placed her hand on Lindsey’s leg. Nana looked healthy and young. But, the words still weren’t coming. “I love you, Nana!” she shouted, and woke herself up. She almost fell out of the hammock from the exertion, but righted herself in time.

  Nana wasn’t there and Lindsey was left feeling alone once again. She wanted to see Nana one more time, if only to know that Nana hadn’t forgotten her. She had so many questions to ask about death and the after-life. About love and living.

  She knew Nana was at peace, but was still bothered by not knowing what that actually looked like. It almost made her head spin if she thought too much about it.

  She hoped that as she got older and closer to her time of returning home, that she would be able to accept it easier and trust that God had a wonderful place for her.

  Determined to finish what she had started, Lindsey left the comfort of the hammock and returned to the attic. So far, she hadn’t found anything as interesting as the letters, but had discovered a few pieces of jewelry that would make wonderful additions to her work attire.

  It was getting late, so she closed up the attic and decided to take a walk again this evening, too. Seeing life in progress helped her to finish the day with peace on her mind, reminding her that life goes on and that people can be truly happy.

  When she walked past homes with families in the yard, she took comfort from their happiness. Sometimes she’d see lights on inside a home, and wonder what was going on behind those walls, hoping that the families were spending time together. That they were talking about hopes and dreams and taking the time while they still could.

  Twenty-Three

  THE THIRD DAY after Lindsey left, Steve spent his time at church. His various committees and Men’s clubs meetings lasted all day. He was surprised that he was able to concentrate and give the other members his full attention. They were in the planning stages of vacation bible school, and he usually took a lead role during that week.

  The children enjoyed his role playing and his sense of humor as he led them through games and teachings about Christ. Most of the time, the children were having such fun they didn’t realize they were learning.

  “Are you up for playing host again this year, Steve?” one of the members named Bob asked him.

  Steve cleared his throat, and said, “I’m looking forward to it.”

  “Will Don be joining you on the last day for your skit?”

  Shoot, Steve thought. He had forgotten about that. He hoped that the tension between the two wouldn’t spoil the week, so he agreed that Don would be there.

  His next meeting was over the classic car ‘drive-in’ to church day that was planned for the following weekend. They had almost everything organized with only a few minor details to cover.

  Steve checked his calendar and realized that almost every weekend for the next month would be booked. He wanted to get in more training time for the Calgary Stampede, but would apparently have to make do with the time he had.

  When his meetings ended, Steve had a few hours for training, so he stopped at home to change his clothes. He looked at himself in the mirror and wondered what Lindsey would think of his black felt cowboy hat and the black chaps over his jeans. She had left so quickly that he hadn’t had the opportunity to share this part of his life with her. He sighed, and said to the Lord for strength to keep his chin up until he saw a sign.

  He slipped on his black cowboy boots and headed out to the ranch.

  Don was there, and once again they successfully avoided each other by remaining on opposite sides of the stables. Steve really wanted to practice his bull riding, though, so he knew he had to set aside his pride and talk with Don.

  “Will you help me with Buc?” He asked it without looking his friend in the eye.

  “Sure. When?”

  “Now?” He shrugged his shoulders.

  “Let’s go.”

  The others at the stables peered at the two. Steve and Don weren’t known for short conversations. They were always joking, teasing, or acting their characters. It was obvious to everyone who worked at the ranch something had happened between them.

  Steve situated himself on the bull and Don gathered a few other men for the bull’s distraction. Steve squeezed his hand into the leather and held on tighter than he had in months. Maybe anger is good for me, he thought. At least for this.

  He was able to hang on for six and a half seconds, a personal record for him. Don caged the bull and after a mere thumb’s up to Steve, the two went their separate ways.

  Don knew enough to give Steve his space. Steve would calm down and forgive him eventually. Don’s stomach wasn’t as quick to forgive though, and he felt as if he had the beginnings of an ulcer. He knew he shouldn’t have lied to Steve and Lindsey, yet he didn’t know what else to do.

  If Steve got distracted with a family life, or worse, left Canada for good, his own future was ruined. What was more, their friendship would be too.

  When Don thought
of the damage Adele had done to their grandfathers’ friendship, he was even more determined to keep Lindsey away. He knew he was just trying to rationalize his behavior, but he couldn’t bring himself to the truth yet. He had no way of repairing the damage anyway at this point and hoped to just ride it out.

  Steve was sitting at the dining room table when Don returned home to their apartment in town.

  “Thanks for your help today,” Steve said without looking up.

  “Sure.” Don didn’t know what else to say. “You, uh, did great.”

  Steve smiled and stood up to rinse his plate off in the sink. It wasn’t much of an apology or conversation, but he’d take it as a start.

  After he took a shower, Steve spent the rest of the evening in his room focusing on composing a letter to Lindsey. All he had so far was a list of questions.

  He wondered why she would let him get that close if all she had wanted was a vacation fling. Why would she tell him her secrets and share many details of her life, only to leave him alone with them? None of what happened last week made any sense to him.

  In frustration, Steve quickly turned off his light and climbed into bed. He tossed and turned for quite a while until he got up and opened a window. The cool breeze calmed him, as did the smell of the fresh air, and he finally drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

  Lindsey went to church late and left early. She didn’t want to explain the empty look in her eyes to her friends and family. She knew for certain she wouldn’t be able to hide the hurt from her mother.

  Helen cornered her though, as she was exiting the ladies room near the side door where Lindsey was trying to sneak out.

  “Honey. Where are you going?” Helen called out to her.

  “I have a few things to do before work tomorrow, and I need to get an early start.” Half true, Lindsey convinced herself.

  “I wanted to ask you how your trip was?” Helen walked closer, her rose perfume reaching Lindsey before Helen did.

  “Everything went great,” Lindsey gave her the speech she had rehearsed. “The country is beautiful and I am so thankful to have been able to go.”

  Helen’s eyes squinted to look beyond what Lindsey was saying. “Anything else?”

  “Just that I got to feel closer to Nana.” Lindsey bit her lower lip. “Look. I’ve got to run. Can we catch up later?”

  Lindsey didn’t wait for Helen’s response. She knew if she hesitated another thirty seconds, she would accuse Helen of not telling her the whole truth, and she wasn’t ready for that confrontation yet. For some reason, she didn’t feel brave today. Maybe everything from the past week had finally caught up with her.

  When she returned home, she finished the Chunky Monkey ice cream. Since tomorrow would be Monday, she began to look through her briefcase to prepare for her first day back to work. When that distraction didn’t work, she checked her e-mails, and returned a few. When those ten minutes had passed, she sat at the kitchen table alone, wondering what to do next.

  With her laptop open in front of her, she found herself looking up Don’s sister Julie. She didn’t know why, but she followed the whim.

  Julie was easy to find. Lindsey wrote down her phone number and address for later. She didn’t know if “later” would present itself, but if her bravery returned, she would call and ask about Julie and Steve.

  Not that her intent was to get Steve into trouble or to punish him, but she wanted to either confirm or deny what Don had told her. She stared at the phone number and shook her head.

  In another attempt at distraction, she took her walk a little early and picked some wildflowers from the empty field down the street. The temperature was heating up and the high humidity was wrecking her hair. Her usual wavy curls were tightening up and frizzing against her head.

  When she returned, she took a lukewarm shower to cool off. After eating all the ice cream earlier in the evening, she wasn’t hungry now so she brushed her teeth in preparation for sleep. As she replaced the cap on the tube of toothpaste, she wondered if Steve squeezed the tube from the middle and if he replaced the cap.

  The thought surprised her. She hadn’t contemplated living with someone before.

  Lindsey’s nightgown was thin, but she still opened the window in the bedroom. A cool summer night made for an easy sleep, but with tonight’s humidity, she also decided to turn on the box fan in the window. Thankfully, the whirring of the fan blades produced a rhythm that lulled her to sleep. It was early, but she’d need the extra sleep for her work tomorrow.

  Twenty-Four

  THE FOURTH DAY after Lindsey, Steve awoke early from a fitful night of attempted sleep. It seemed his soul was crying out for Lindsey, and he knew he would have to make contact soon. He needed to hear the truth from her, if only to ease the doubts in his mind. That was the only way he’d be able to move forward.

  He had been confident that if Lindsey had left in a hurry, such as for an emergency, she would have called him. Her silence only confirmed to Steve that she did not have feelings for him. Maybe Don was telling the truth.

  The new tour group arrived from California. This group all worked together, so the energy on the bus was high. Steve could hardly conduct his tour over their conversations. He was thankful for the noise though, and work continued on.

  He and Don played their characters to the max. They joked and teased and it felt as if nothing had changed, but Steve still felt the resentment in his heart and knew he hadn’t forgiven Don yet. That sin made Steve feel terrible. He was usually quick to forgive and forget, and didn’t allow things to hang around on his conscience. When he erred, he was quick to ask for forgiveness as well. But Don’s betrayal was too large for a quick fix.

  Steve was alone on the bus, reading his Bible, when Joann stepped onto it later that afternoon.

  “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  “Sure. What’s up?” He smiled at her, trying not to appear surprised. He had been searching everywhere for reminders of God’s control. Proverbs 16:1,9 stuck out to him: “To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue … In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines the steps.”

  Joann sat down on the seat across from him. She looked … perturbed. “I really don’t know how to begin, but I have something important to tell you.”

  He closed his Bible. “Go ahead, Joann.” He furrowed his eyebrows in concern.

  She took a deep breath and swallowed. “I should have told you this sooner,” she admitted. “But I got caught up in it too. Plus, you know I’m still a little upset you rejected me.”

  Steve nodded. “I know. You are a lovely woman, just not the one that I saw myself spending the rest of my life with. If we were younger, I would have gone out with you in a heartbeat.” He lamely tried to patch things over.

  “I understand. That’s why what I did is all the more awful.” She hesitated.

  “It can’t be that bad. What is it?” Steve encouraged.

  “I helped Don get rid of Lindsey,” she blurted out. “I packed up her room, and took her bags to him. He held her against her will, told her all kinds of lies about you and sent her on her way,” she paused. “He even told her you and Julie were engaged.”

  There was a pause. Steve blinked.

  Joann swallowed. “I’m really sorry, Steve. I should never have—”

  She didn’t expect Steve’s reaction.

  “I knew it!” he exclaimed as he jumped up. “I knew she wouldn’t find him attractive, or throw herself at him and then just leave!”

  Joann should have known better than to expect anger or bitterness from Steve. He continually surprised her in the way that he lived his life. He was a good man.

  “Can you forgive me?” she asked quietly.

  “Forgive you?” he asked. “God bless you for telling me what happened.” He kissed her on the cheek before running down the steps. “I’m going to go get her!” he shouted.

  Joann watched him dance away. “You�
��re a lucky woman, Lindsey,” she whispered.

  Steve didn’t want to waste a minute dealing with Don. He had no idea how his best friend could have been so resentful and jealous that he’d have to make up stories just to tear his relationship with Lindsey apart. At this point, none of that mattered. What mattered to Steve was that it had been real between Lindsey and himself.

  He could trust his heart to guide him and prayed that would be enough.

  He ran down the hill to his apartment without looking back. Let Don deal with an afternoon of touring by himself. That should fix him for a little while. At least he would be too busy to interfere.

  He quickly packed a small duffle bag full of clothes. He didn’t even know if any of the clothes matched, he just wanted to get out of there and get to Lindsey, before he lost her for good.

  The taxi arrived to take him to the airport. He called his grandfather on the way.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey Grandpa. I’m on my way to bring Lindsey home!” he yelled.

  “Go get her, boy. We’ll be rooting for you.”

  “Are you doing any better?”

  “A little. The doctor’s think I’ll be able to go home tomorrow. I should be up and moving by the time the Calgary Stampede comes through. They think I might have a touch of blood sugar problems, but they want to rule out anything more serious, so more tests were taken last night.”

  “Well, I’ll call you when I can. Will you tell Dad where I’m off to?” Steve didn’t want to get into a huge discussion with his father. He still wasn’t sure of all his dad knew about his father’s past, and he wouldn’t understand Steve’s desire to travel all the way to Michigan for a woman.

  “Yeah. He’s going to be here within the hour, so I’ll let him know. Be careful, and no regrets.”

  Lindsey left early for work and tried to have a positive attitude. She usually enjoyed her job and her route, but her emotions were so buried right now her joy wasn’t able to break through.

  Fortunately today would be spent in the office. She could catch up on paperwork and plan her routes for the week without having much face-to-face contact with others.