Missing Beats

by K. L. Shandwick

  A visual flashback to the image of my hands shaking as I tore the stark white envelope open, my little heart soaring when I saw the small, dusty pink birthday card inside. To Someone Special, the heading read. On the front of the card the image was of two small children, a dark-haired boy and a little blonde girl, hugging. It could have been us back in the day.

  Inside he’d written; I saw this card and thought of you. I hope you have a fabulous day on your twenty-first birthday. I miss you, love, Kane. I miss you. As soon as I read those words I dissolved into a blubbering mess. Turning the card over, I expected a number or something, but there was nothing else. He left no way for me to contact him in return. The impact of the loss I’d felt all that time ago, after his mom had died, was fresh again.

  A knock on the door brought me out of my reverie and I turned to stare at the bathroom door. Wrapping my bathrobe tightly around me I headed to the front door to look through the spyhole and saw a delivery guy standing there with a big basket wrapped in cellophane. I opened the door and the basket was laden with luxury booze, chocolate, and other assorted goodies in it. “Jo Carmichael?” he said, looking puzzled. I guess he was expecting a man.

  “Yep, short for Josephine,” I smirked, signing his little machine with a squiggle that was totally illegible. I told him to wait and closed the door, grabbed my purse, and took a ten-dollar bill back to him. Smiling, he left with a whistle, in the direction of the broken elevator as I closed the door.

  A small, red wine glass embossed company card was attached. I’m guessing you weren’t expecting any guests, but these aren’t for you, they’re M.I.N.E. Hands off, Carmichael. Don’t even look at the malted balls, I’ve counted them. His comment made me grin widely. He was still as funny as ever. My heart squeezed again because he was reminding me of the times when my mom gave us a box of malted balls. He’d insisted on counting them out evenly to all of us. His gesture lifted some of my reservations and I was happy Kane may be back in my life. However, I was also nervous and wary. I wanted answers to some questions, but I prayed if we worked it out, this time he’d be back for good.

  Chapter 3

  From a distance

  Rain splashed noisily on the windshield of my car as the wipers swiped rhythmically back and forth. I glanced up at the dark sky. Daylight was still a couple of hours away. I was on my way to the airport and I hadn’t had a wink of sleep. All night I’d been thinking about what I would say to Kane, until my emotional state was in meltdown. Gripping the steering wheel with my sweaty palms, I flexed and closed my fingers trying to keep myself calm. Adrenaline surged my anxiety every time I thought about his pending visit, causing my heart to flip-flop over and over again.

  The arrivals lounge was packed with vacationers and business people, all mulling around either waiting for someone or trying to arrange rides home. I’d never been in a commercial airport as a civilian. I’d always been part of relocation packages, so my tickets and baggage were handled by my dad. Actually, I’d never been out of Maryland again since we’d returned.

  Stretching on tiptoe, with my heart in my mouth, I craned my neck, tilting my head from side to side as I searched frantically with each batch of new arrivals entering the hall. This is crazy, what if we hate each other as adults? The wait was killing me a little more with every second that passed. And the nerves in my belly made me want to pee. I’d arrived at the airport two hours before his plane touched down because, well, I hadn’t seen him in such a long time. Eager wasn’t the word to describe my feelings, but they were mingled with apprehension and worry that I may have been too provincial for him since he’d become a rock star. I wasn’t cool, I wasn’t trendy, and I had no idea about bands and music. The most conversation I’d ever had in regards to my opinion about songs was when I shouted over the DJ in a club to Candice, telling her that I liked the song.

  Yet, there I was at the airport fangirling, and I couldn’t remember a time when I’d felt so nervous—ever. My heartbeat was so erratic, calm one minute and racing the next. Not even the fact that it was an ungodly hour of the morning could douse my excitement.

  A long line of grey, tired faces passed me by. Passengers of all shapes, ages and sizes entered the arrivals hall looking exhausted from their travels. I stopped looking for a moment when my eyes fixed on someone and I almost had a stroke as my nerves kicked in while butterflies danced in circles around my bladder. When I looked back, someone of the same height and build as him came walking through the double doors pulling a heavily laden luggage cart.

  Relief and disappointment washed over me in equal parts when I realized it wasn’t him. I went back to looking. Seconds later, there he was, striding purposefully out of the arrivals entrance looking not only fresh, but even more handsome in person than he’d looked on TV. With his head bent, he looked warily around him. A thrill ran through me. Perhaps that was because I hadn’t seen him face-to-face in all those years, perhaps it was a true fangirl moment, who knows. I took a few precious seconds to observe him tugging his baseball cap down over his eyes to preserve his anonymity, while he scanned the crowd looking for me. The moment he found where I was, there was a slight falter in his step before he came striding across the concourse toward the barrier. His whole face transformed from the don’t-fuck-with-me expression that seemed to be his only protection in that moment, to one of sheer delight as he came closer.

  Hesitantly, I stepped toward him not really knowing what to say. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it possessively as we walked the length of the steel crowd-control barrier together. All the while he was smiling and staring directly into my eyes. As soon as there was nothing between us, he dropped the heavy leather duffle bag he was carrying and pulled me tightly against his hard muscular chest.

  “C’mere, you,” he said gruffly, smiling down at me warmly. I looked up at his face that was only a few inches from mine and the twinkle in his eye said he was ecstatic to see me. “Damn, look at you, Miss Hot Pants. You’re stunning, baby. How did I ever let you get away?” he teased as he bent forward and placed his mouth close to my ear. Embracing me again in a tight bear hug, his strong, warm hold brought a wave of deep-seated feelings that swelled up from the core of my body. My throat constricted tightly as tears sprang to my eyes and I swallowed several times in an attempt not to let them flow.

  It’s hard to explain, but as soon as he held me like that, it made me feel whole. Like all those years since Germany there had been something missing. Ever since I’d known Kane, I’d been drawn to him in a way I’d never known with anyone since. It confirmed something I had denied all of those years.

  Kane Exeter was the boy that I had never let go. Bonding to him the way I had all those years ago must have had a huge influence on me because I’d never truly let my deep feelings go. He had never let me down until he cut me off at ten years old. Somehow, Kane the boy had touched my soul in a way I couldn’t describe, and no one else had ever come close since. Yet, at the same time, the moment he hugged me as Kane the man, I feared that somehow he’d be the man who would break my heart.

  My hands clung desperately to the back of his blue, button down shirt as I felt the warmth of his hard muscles flexing and the heat from his body radiating through the thin cotton material. Rocking me from side to side where we stood, he said, “It’s been far too long, baby, but now that I’m here with you it feels like I’m home.” His gruff tone cracked a little and I realized I wasn’t the only one loaded with emotions.

  Pushing me to arm’s length; his piercing blue eyes twinkled as the stark overhead lighting caught them. They roamed leisurely over my body and back up to my face where he silently held my eyes in a soul searching gaze. Sexual feelings stirred inside me making me blush even though I sensed he was trying to get a rise out of me. Seconds later he gave me another sexy smile. “Damn, Jo, you have no idea what you do to my heart. I’ve missed you so much,” he admitted huskily, pushing my head to his mouth and kissing it reverently. It all felt too much.
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br />   Wrapped in his warmth I couldn’t help but be that girl and inhale the bare skin on his neck. So manly and clean, his musky scent collided with a hint of his cologne. It was so enticing. Before I knew what I was doing I had risen onto my tiptoes and kissed his cheek. His chin had a few days of unshaven growth and felt velvet soft against my lips. Stepping back, he grinned and I could see the boy in him again as he grabbed my hand tightly and picked up his bag. “Let’s get the hell out of here before someone recognizes me.”

  Tucking his chin in his chest he glanced furtively to the side and led me toward the multistory parking lot as if he knew where he was going. It turned out he did, it was the only parking at that particular airport. The way he took control of the situation was definitely the same way I remembered him to be. Memories of the boy I once knew flashed back in my mind as his firm grasp tugged me alongside him. Kane had been an alpha boy for as long as I’d known him. That hadn’t changed.

  Sliding into the passenger seat of my old red Chevy, Kane twisted his body and slung his duffle bag onto the worn cracked leather seat behind him. Turning back, his eyes searched for mine and we stared at each other for a moment too long. My heart fluttered and I felt myself blush like crazy while nervous feelings zipped through my body and pulled at my core. The involuntary squeeze of my thighs made me look away as I fumbled and pushed the key into the ignition while he reached over and pulled the seat belt around him. His distraction gave me a moment to mentally gather myself, and once I heard him click it in place, my eyes flitted across just at the same moment he turned to look at me again.

  “God, this feels great,” he admitted as he adjusted himself in his seat and spread his legs wider. My eyes fell to his groin for a second just like the woman on TV’s had and I suddenly had all the sympathy in the world for her trying to interview him in front of millions. I was tempted to reach out and touch him, but looked up and stared straight ahead instead while I struggled to keep my hands to myself by gripping the steering wheel.

  Turning my head, I glanced at him. “What does? Being in my Chevy?” I teased, trying to appear casual when inside I felt like someone had emptied my intestines into a blender. I turned the key and fired the engine, my eyes riveted to the front so as not to show him how unnerved I was by his presence.

  “Well yeah, I’d prefer the back seat though,” he said, flirting outrageously with a cheeky grin. I shook my head and couldn’t hide the smile at how opportunistic he was. He hadn’t lost that since he was a kid either. Kane laughed and shook his head at my smile, dipping his head just a little. I loved that look, it was an unguarded shyness and I imagined a rare sight to anyone who knew him. “Nah, what I mean is home state and being right here with you—it’s where my heart is.” He gave me a warm smile and looked directly at me. I scoffed at his comment because if that were the case why had he never been in touch before now?

  Out of the corner of my eye I saw him reposition himself to the side and lean his elbow on the back of his seat turning slightly toward me. He held his head in his hand and watched me while I drove. I was self-conscious but tried not to show it. When I saw him crack a grin it almost melted my panties. A sudden surge of electricity coursed through my veins and I told myself to behave, because I wasn’t used to fangirling, nor was I used to having anything other than platonic feelings for Kane. My brain and my heart appeared to have a very short neuropath as far as Kane Exeter was concerned.

  *****

  With every mile of the six mile journey home our conversation became less stilted as he told me what he’d been doing with his band. He made me forget that I hadn’t seen him in so long. His banter had me cracking up in laughter and by the time we reached my apartment I was feeling a little more comfortable at the prospect of spending time with him. Kane’s confidence was as high as I remembered and when we entered my home he didn’t stand on ceremony when he spied the basket of goodies on the kitchen counter. It was the most decorative and fanciest thing in the whole apartment. “You didn’t open it yet?” he asked as he turned, looking puzzled.

  “It wasn’t mine to open,” I stated flatly.

  “Damn, Jo, you never used to do anything you were told. What happened to you?”

  “You said it was for you, remember?”

  “Oh baby, this is going to be fun, me giving you orders and you doing what I tell you,” he chuckled as he snapped the seal on the Jack Daniels bottle and searched my cabinet for whiskey tumblers. Pushing the glasses against my ice dispenser, two cubes of ice clinked their way into both glasses before he made his way over to the sofa with them like he owned the place.

  “Wow, this couch is incredible, Jo. I’m gonna love it here. I don’t know why you were worried about me staying. It’s a cute place, and you’ve made it feel incredibly comfortable.” Placing the tumblers on the table he sat down and exhaled heavily. “God, this is amazing.” His eyes glanced around the room while I stood in a daze watching him. Since we’d entered my home I hadn’t spoken and I hadn’t moved. He left me speechless while I stared at the amazing whirlwind actions of the gorgeous guy I couldn’t believe was here.

  Kane continued to make himself at home and chatted like it had been yesterday since he’d seen me. Within minutes he’d reached down and loosened his boots, toed one off and tugged at the other before standing again, shrugging himself out of his brown leather bomber jacket.

  “Come over here and sit beside me,” he said, patting the sofa. Suddenly my nerves were back and my heart flipped over in my chest. I didn’t know if I could actually move at that point. Drawing in a deep breath I focused on exhaling slowly. I was self-conscious he was watching as I took off my jacket and shoes. Kane watched my every move. “Jesus, Jo, you’d make a fortune in a strip club. I’ve never seen a girl take off her outer clothing that slow before.” I gave him a wide-eyed smile but thought inwardly, I bet most women undress like their clothes are on fire while you’re standing watching them. I took my time—stalling by grabbing some chips, even though it was breakfast time, as I tried again to control my nerves and look cool. Kane looked away and began to pour the whiskey into the glasses but glanced back up as I neared him. “You’re having a drink with me, babe. I don’t care if you don’t drink. The last thing I wanna do is drink alone.”

  I felt it was pointless explaining it was almost 7:00 am. After all he was a rock star. It was probably his normal bedtime so I waited patiently beside the sofa feeling awkward while Kane screwed the top back on the bottle, maintaining eye contact with me and giving me that grin that made me weak. As soon as he had a hand free, he grabbed mine and pulled me down gently onto the sofa beside him. Twisting to grab the drinks from the table he turned toward me and handed me one. Gazing directly into my eyes he smiled slowly. It felt like a seductive move and frightened the crap out of me. I had a boyfriend. “To old friendships rekindled.” We clinked our glasses together before he threw his head back, the generous measure of amber liquid sliding down his throat. I sighed with relief that he wasn’t making a move on me. No sooner did I feel safe, he sat forward, placed his empty tumbler back on the table in front of him and leaned back into the sofa, sliding his hand around my shoulder, taking me with him.

  All of a sudden I felt panicked and my resolve wavered—it all felt too much. Why would he want anything to do with me? If I had really meant that much to him he’d have stayed in touch all these years.

  “So tell me all your news? What does Jo Carmichael do for fun?” he asked, stroking his thumb absent-mindedly across the material of my thin cardigan over my shoulder, and waggled his brow suggestively. His gaze was intense and I was so captivated. For a moment I almost swallowed my tongue. The heat in my cheeks made me feel like some beacon in the fog, and I could tell by the wicked smirk he gave me he’d noticed it as well.

  If I had known him just a teeny bit less I’d have called him a prick for behaving the way he was, all familiar, like we were more than just the acquaintance status we had, but I knew him just enou
gh to know he wanted to make me feel uncomfortable. His teasing of me was legendary. I swallowed a sip of whiskey and decided I’d have to be as shocking as him to make him back off.

  “Hmm, sometimes I go dancing with a few friends. If I’m horny and drunk enough to find a guy attractive I bring him back here get him to fuck my brains out. Apart from that, not a lot,” I said as matter-of-factly as I could and took another sip of my whiskey.

  “Sounds like a normal night for me,” he responded, straight-faced.

  “You pick up guys to fuck you, Kane? Good to know,” I retorted, and thought how smart my remark was.

  “No guys, not yet anyway,” he said without smiling, leaned forward and poured himself another drink. That response—I had no clue what to do with.

  “So what do you do for fun?” I prompted, in my effort to shift the attention away from me.

  Turning with the bottle poised to pour, he said, “Playing with my band, hanging out with cool chicks like you, and writing music. What else is there? Music, sex, and good conversation. It’s what makes life worth living.”

  “So there’s not a permanent girl in your life?”

  “Yep,” he said. I felt instantly deflated despite my ‘not going there’ pact I had made with myself. Sitting back against the sofa cushion he took a deep breath and turned his face toward mine. “You.”

  “Jeez, you are in a worse state than I thought if I’m the permanent girl. This is the first time I’ve seen you in twelve years, Kane,” I responded, relieved because I knew he was joking. Then I felt uncomfortable that I was relieved. I was an emotional mess.

  “I know…I’m sorry about that, but my life was totally wrecked when my mom died,” he said, sounding remorseful. His sad expression made me want to kiss him. Not a passionate kiss—one to comfort him.

  We both stared at each other in a long silence; then his lips slowly curved upward in a smile. “You’ve always been in my heart, Jo. If you cut it up into little pieces you’d find Jo Carmichael in almost every one. I adored you as a kid.”