Missing Beats

by K. L. Shandwick

  Kane was standing with his back to the audience, mic in hand as he gestured in time to the beat the drummer was playing until the intro was complete. Turning to face the audience he began to belt out a song I’d never heard before, but it would appear I was the only one who hadn’t heard it, judging from how their fans reacted to it. Kane’s voice was incredibly smooth and charismatic. The way he moved on stage had me staring open-mouthed. Watching his hips moving from side to side and gyrating occasionally was seductive and delighted every woman in the crowd. Scanning the audience, women everywhere were losing their shit, screaming and swooning at the rock star on the stage. The same man who was so seductive he’d made me reckless and left a stain on my heart.

  I became aware my heart was pounding fast and hard at his ability to turn on a whole arena full of people, both male and female, who hung on his every word and did exactly what he told them. And reluctantly I gave into my feelings and was mesmerized during the ninety minute performance, when I became a spellbound and loyal fan of Hedon1sm.

  Nearing the end of their set, Kane came across to the side of the stage we were near and looked up at where we were sitting. Shielding his eyes, it was clear he was looking for something or someone. I almost ducked because I felt embarrassed, and the last thing I had wanted was for him to see me and think I was fine after how we’d left things. I wasn’t okay, but none of that mattered because once he’d seen us he’d probably figured I’d had second thoughts, because thanks to Candice, I had turned up. So what did that say about me and what message did that give him?

  Chapter 9

  Fangirling

  When they left the stage at the end, to rapturous applause, I felt more than a little bereft. I thought, that’s it. It’s all over between us, and felt so sad I had wanted to cry. I blinked back tears that were forming as I stood to leave, but Candice tugged at my sleeve insisting that they would be back for an encore. My initial reaction was that I couldn’t go through that feeling I’d just had again, but I sat patiently waiting for them with a renewed, sudden eagerness to see him for a few minutes more, knowing my life would never be the same but would continue without him. My heart sank to my belly for the tenth time that day and I asked myself if I would be happy not to see him again. The answer to that was no.

  Panic tightened my chest that this was it—that this may be the last time Kane Exeter and I were in the same room at the same time. Tears welled in my eyes as the guy next to me tapped my shoulder. I turned to see him pointing toward a thick-set man in an immaculate black suit who was standing at the end of the row. Pointing at me, he gave me a come here gesture with his hand and I stood slowly, edging past the two men who were seated at the end of the row, to see what he wanted. Even though I kind of knew what it was already.

  “Ms. Carmichael?” he asked, shouting close to my ear as Hedon1sm began to sing their most famous song. “Mr. Exeter said he’s very glad you decided to come and he’d like to see you backstage after the show. If you’d like to come with me,” he said as he nodded toward the exit at the back. I felt relieved that he wanted to see me but confused about prolonging the agony of our goodbye. I had never been so indecisive in my life.

  Either way, once I went home it would be over. I squeezed past the two guys and nudging Candice, I nodded toward the security guy and shouted in her ear that we were going backstage. Watching her become overly animated, she shook and cussed with excitement as she picked up her bag and jacket and turned to follow me.

  Following the guard, I was sure Candice and I had very different feelings about the invitation to meet the band. It felt like a walk of shame for me as we wandered down the dimly lit stairs and along a never-ending passageway before we reached a large seating area. The smell of weed was so thick I was getting high just from standing in there. “Take a seat and help yourselves to drinks, they’ll be through in a few minutes,” the broad bodyguard said with an easy smile. He left us in the room full of people.

  Amongst the smattering of men were five beautiful, waiflike, playboy-bunny-type females, with rocker chick groupie written all over them. All of them had their eyes trained on Candice and me as a series of sly smiles passed between them. After trading some duck lips and attitude stances between themselves, the tallest one, with the biggest fake tits, sauntered over in our direction with her hands on her hips.

  “Are you two competition winners or something?” Her snarky manner did nothing for me. I think she was trying to intimidate us. Candice took exception to the way she spoke down at us. “No we’re not. Josie has been personally invited here by Kane.” The way she had said it had made me feel dirt cheap, like I’d been picked out of the crowd to entertain him, and from the look on the groupie’s face, that’s exactly what she had thought as well.

  “How sweet, just like the rest of us,” she said in voice loud enough for the others to hear, and twisted her body in the direction of the other women. They all raised their long-stemmed wine glasses in salute and heat rose to my cheeks, mortified as to what they thought we were doing there. I looked down at my feet before willing myself to make eye contact with the skinny groupie again.

  The fake smile that had been there before was gone, a scowl in its place as she regarded me with narrowed eyes. “Take it from someone with first-hand experience, Kane Exeter is a sexual animal, he’ll devour you. I actually passed out the first time he did me,” she gloated, like she was proud of that fact and smirked in the direction of the others. By that point, they were all standing in a conspiratorial huddle staring at Candice and I like we were the shit on their shoes. Even though I didn’t think for one minute Kane and I were going anywhere, it pissed me off that she thought she had rights over him. She had thrown down a challenge and I don’t know why, but I felt it my duty to wipe the smirk off her face. I’d gone to an all-girls school for a while once, and I had learned exactly what to do with women like her.

  “Well then, I believe it’s you that’s no match for him. Sorry to disappoint you on that because I’m still fully conscious and here, aren’t I?” I gestured at myself by sweeping my hand down the front of me. “And for the record, I never pass out. And I hate to burst that skanky bubble you’ve surrounded yourself with, but I think he’s nowhere near finished with me.” I giggled nervously, not believing I’d uttered such a thing and hoped I looked much more confident than I felt.

  Glancing at Candice, her eyebrow was almost in her hairline as she stared speechless at me for once. “Shall we sit over there, honey? The air over here is pretty stale.” Tipping my chin in the direction of the white leather seating on the other side of the room, I spun on my heel and began to head over in the direction of it.

  “Fuck, Josie, that was surreal. I’ve never heard you talk like that before, you’ve always been such a lady. You sounded so badass.” Candice giggled hoisting her bag up onto her shoulder. At that same moment the band members flooded the room, their energy making the room buzz. I recognized the lead guitarist and the drummer as they came in still high from the performance or it could have been drugs, I’m not sure, but they looked deliriously happy.

  “Fucking A, that was sick! Best gig we’ve ever had,” the long-haired guitarist said. “Cole, dude, you were on fire, we rocked the house.” The drummer held up his hands in mock adulation and slapped the guitarist whose name I had gathered was Cole by that time, on the back.

  Kane came wandering in, dripping in sweat, chatting animatedly to the guy beside him. My breath hitched and I squeezed my thighs together as an electrical current pulled at my core. Shirtless, he looked so freaking hot as he dried off his chest and underarms on the T-shirt he’d already stripped off.

  Of course at that moment the bimbo that had been harassing me moved in for the kill. “Kane, honey, you were absolutely awesome,” she said, winding her arms around his waist and staring adoringly up at him. Looking past her to me, his strong hand gripped her forearm and I saw the color of her skin go pale where his fingertips dug in. Pulling her away
by her forearms he gave me his winning, sexy smile that I had always loved, even as a child. It lit up his whole face. Not once did he take his eyes off me while he removed her hands from his body. Once he was free of her, he headed straight across the room toward me.

  “You came,” he said, with a hint of disbelief as he towered over me, offering me an outstretched hand. “Indeed,” I returned, conscious of the harem in the corner drawing daggers at me. Twisting his upper body, he turned to see what I was looking at and snickered, “Don’t mind them. They’re an occupational hazard.” Leaning down further to grab my wrists he pulled me up to stand closely in front of him. Too close. My eyes met his naked, sweat-glistened chest and I wanted to lick it. The intimate position forced me to tilt my head up to look at him. He looked down at the same time and our faces were inches from one another’s. His hot breath wafted over my face and my eyes dropped to his lips for a second. My arms slid to my sides, but he hadn’t lost his grip, it felt sexy and threatening at the same time. Everything about him was too alluring; his scent, the way he looked into my eyes and the sound of his deep, sexy voice. It just wasn’t enough for me—I wanted to taste him. “So happy you’re here.” His smile widened showing his perfect white teeth as he released my wrists and grabbed my face. Closing the space between us his lips touched mine and I felt myself sag toward him.

  “Hi, Kane, you have me to thank for that, she needed a helluva lot of persuasion.” Candice’s voice interrupted the moment and he pulled back just enough to look at me.

  “Is that so?” he asked, grinning wickedly as he smoothed my hair down. “I love a woman who plays hard to get. They’re my favorite flavor.”

  “Then I failed epically on that one,” I mumbled and stepped back when I thought about how easily I’d fallen for his charm.

  “It happened, Jo. Own it. And personally, I’m okay with what we did. I’m glad it happened because it was pretty incredible and there’s nothing we don’t know about each other now. Come with me.” I glanced to the groupies, sure they had heard our conversation, but before I could resist he’d flung his arm around my shoulder and ushered me past everyone. As I passed the group of women I heard one mutter, looks like Kane’s found another magic pussy.”

  Crashing to a halt, Kane stopped and turned to face them. “Watch your fucking mouth, you hear? This woman is worth a thousand of you, she’s my closest friend,” he growled. My heart raced at how protective he sounded. “If I hear another word said against her you’ll all be walking home. I don’t care how good you think you are at sucking dick, girls like you are a dime a dozen, fucking remember that.”

  He took my hand and tugged me through a doorway into a dressing room with what looked like a red leather barber’s chair and lighted mirrors. Seating me on one of the chairs he wheeled a stool over to sit on and face me. Sitting down he took my hands in his and squeezed them slightly. A thrill ran through me at his caring gesture and a smile played on his lips.

  “Hey. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Those women get out of hand sometimes.”

  “But they are an expert fuck, right?”

  “The guys in the band use them, sure. They’re not doing anything those girls don’t want to happen. It’s a lifestyle they lead.”

  “But they’re there for you as well, right? I mean how can you even condone something like that? You fuck them as well, don’t you?” I couldn’t keep my distaste and hate for demeaning women from the tone of my voice.

  “I’m not proud to say I have in the past, but not lately.”

  “No?”

  “I was seeing someone and I was trying to stay faithful to her.”

  “Trying? That means you weren’t?” I asked, feeling disappointed at both the facts that he’d been seeing someone that meant that much to him and that he wasn’t able to resist temptation.

  “No I was. Three months until you,” he answered, giving me a meaningful smile.

  “You mean you cheated on her with me?” I said as I tried to pull my hands away, but he gripped them tighter and held them firm. Shocked at his revelation I was disgusted with myself for falling for his seductive charm.

  “That’s not what happened, I never cheated on anyone. She sent me a text telling me that she’d never be able to accept my life on the road. Although she loved me, she said she didn’t want a relationship with a guy who spent half of his life on a bus and had women falling over themselves to offer me easy sex.”

  “Smart woman,” I agreed, with a note of hostility in my voice. “When was this?”

  “Almost a week ago.”

  “So a few days before you flew in from Boston? And I ended your so-called dry spell?” I asked, giving him a pointed stare. I was so mad at myself.

  Kane grinned sheepishly and gave me a soft chuckle. “Well, when you put it like that, yeah, you did…but in my defense, there was something going on between us from the moment I hugged you at the airport. The sexual tension was killing me, but you did a great job of hiding those signals.”

  “So you thought you’d get me drunk then make your move?” I asked, feeling gutted as I searched his face for the truth.

  “Oh no, baby. You’re not pinning that one on me. You were the one to get the wine, remember? I drank a whole bottle of JD trying to keep my dick in check and then we had all that wine, hell I even ordered more booze and even after all of that, I couldn’t sedate it enough to stop wanting you. Fuck…I still want you now.”

  “No. Stop. This wasn’t why I came here. Candice was right. It took a lot of persuasion to get me here, but I came because I didn’t want to leave this on bad terms, and as lame as it sounds, I’d still like us to be friends again…if we can. I don’t want to fall into bed with you every time I see you, Kane. Sex comes with emotion and relationships in my world, it isn’t a sport.”

  Kane let go of my hands and cupped my face in his palms. “I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, I understand, Jo, but I’m not sorry I crossed the line. How could I be sorry when you gave me my biggest high? I won’t ever forget how that felt between us.” I was trying so hard to remain resolute but he said the sweetest things that made my body tense and pulse in all the right places.

  “It may have escaped your notice, but your world and mine are at opposite ends of the spectrum, Kane. I’m not the kind of girl that’s okay with this ram and run rock star lifestyle, and all its excesses. I’m homey and comfortable, the kind of girl who’s happy with my ordinary day-to-day life. Your girl was clever to give you up before she got in too deep. We should never have had sex.”

  Staring sharply at him as I tried to stay cool, I watched as Kane’s lips pressed into a line and his thumb gently stroked my cheek. When I remained still he sucked in a deep breath and sounded deflated as he let it escape his lungs. “Okay, fuck it. I’m tired, Jo. Have it your way. It’s not going to be easy, but friends without benefits it is,” he conceded in a slightly regretful tone. Even though he was agreeing to what I wanted I felt an odd twinge of disappointment that, just like Elliott, he hadn’t fought harder. My emotions are so fucking contrary at times.

  “Come on, there are people I’d like you to meet.” Standing he shoved his stool away with the back of his knees and grabbed both my hands pulling me to my feet. Entwining his fingers between mine he clasped his other hand possessively over them and my heart ached a little that things couldn’t be different between us. Tugging me along with him into the room where the others were, he wandered over to the group of musicians that were mulling around drinking beers from their bottles. “Cody Myers, meet Jo, this is the best friend I was telling you about.”

  “Oh, so you’re the elusive Jo, Kane’s been filling us in on.”

  Instantly blushing I became self-conscious, I wondered if he’d told them he’d slept with me. Kane must have noticed my awkward glance and came to my rescue.

  “I told the guys I was headed down to see you as we were playing in Maryland remember?” It must have been obvious I
was wigging out, ashamed that we’d had sex.

  “Yeah it’s been good catching up,” I mumbled, wondering if that was the extent of his conversation about me. I’d have liked to think that Kane would have respected me enough not to talk about me in that way, but I couldn’t be sure of the adult version of the boy I used to know.

  Zander Hull, the drummer, came wandering across, beer in hand with a salacious smile on his face, “Who’s this little beauty? Not thinking of keeping her all to yourself were you, Kane?”

  “Where’s your respect, Zander? Jo’s not a groupie, she’s special to me.”

  “Just like Debra was last week, right?” he scoffed, and continued to rake his eyes up and down me like he was undressing me.

  “Jo and I were friends as kids, she’s the one I told you I was coming to see in Maryland when I was flying from Boston,” he added.

  A spark of recognition flitted across Zander’s eyes and his mouth formed a silent ‘O’. “Oh yeah, I remember. You’re the kid from Germany, right?” Zander looked stoned, like he’d wouldn’t remember his own name at that particular moment, but I only realized how anxious and knotted my stomach was when it relaxed after he’d said that. I don’t know why I expected special treatment; after all, just like hundreds of other girls, all I’d had was a one night stand with Kane.

  I muddled through various conversations for the following hour feeling like a fish out of water, and although Kane had tried to include me in every conversation, I still felt awkward and out of place. The moment when Cody walked over and selected one of the five girls and stated he was going to get laid, I knew I was done trying to be something I wasn’t and that was my cue to get Candice and I out of there.

  Kane was distracted when he was called over to settle an argument and have his picture taken by some VIP’s that were connected to the venue. Candice and I were left talking to someone else who was promoting the band and I glanced over at Kane who was the center of attention. If only he wasn’t so good looking and living the lifestyle of a rock star. As soon as I had that thought I knew I was in danger of becoming emotionally invested in a way that was dangerous.