Missing Beats

by K. L. Shandwick

  I took that as my cue to leave, and grabbed Candice by the arm. “Come on, I’m done, let’s go.” Candice initially resisted, riveted to her spot like her feet were made of lead as she gave me a wide-eyed look like a whiney child that may have burst into tears at any moment. She huffed heavily. I knew she thought I was spoiling her night and I read from her expression that she was far from done with the whole scene. “Fine, stay, but I’m out,” I warned, letting go of her arm and turning to head for the door.

  “No wait, I’m coming,” she replied, with a tinge of regret. “Don’t you think you should at least tell Kane we’re leaving?” I never answered her, just kept walking, slightly too fast and with purpose, until we were outside. Running alongside me she cussed when she stumbled in her heels. “Jesus, Josie, where’s the fire?”

  “Sorry, Candice, none of this is your fault, but I really had to get out of there. Did you see how indifferent Cole treated that girl in there?” Without waiting for her to answer I continued, “We’re way different to those girls, Candice. That’s a part of Kane Exeter’s lifestyle I don’t want to be caught up in.” The emotion in my voice was thick, like I’d cry any minute. I turned and resumed my hurried pace down the sidewalk.

  “Jeez, Josie, slow down my feet are killing me in these shoes,” she whined, but my need to be clear of Kane overrode anything my friend had going on. I continued with my speedy walking pace until I saw and hailed a cab. Once inside the cab I sagged into the seat. There was a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach because I couldn’t really fault Kane, he’d been great with me.

  Any hang ups between Kane and I, were mine. It hadn’t given me any satisfaction to run away like that and I felt heartbroken. Kane had come back, but there was no way I could have seen myself in that life. Mine was too orderly, regimented.

  I swallowed back the lump in my throat just as my cell began to play the familiar tune that took me right back to Kane in my sitting room, and I searched my bag for it. His number lit up my screen and my heart squeezed. My chest felt tight and I considered not answering, but if I hadn’t I’d have been going back on our agreement to stay friends. My bruised heart ached because I knew that as soon as I heard his voice, it would suck the last of my strength I had mustered to leave him back at the venue in the first place.

  “Jo...you went without saying goodbye? That suggests to me you feel more about us than you’re prepared to admit to.” His monotone voice sounded deflated.

  I considered his answer carefully. “Maybe I do. Maybe it was too dangerous for me to stay?” My answer came out as a truthful question for the both of us. Candice sat forward and faced me with a shocked expression.

  “Come back, Jo. We’ll talk. I only have tonight, we fly to Boston tomorrow,” he urged, in a tone that suggested he really wanted me to.

  “I can’t do that, Kane. I don’t belong in your world. I know nothing about music or bands, and seeing how Cole dealt with that woman—”

  “Cole’s a dog, Jo. Any woman is fair game to him—”

  “And you, Kane? What about you?”

  “I won’t lie. I’ve had my share…more than my share, but if I was in a relationship, I wouldn’t stray—”

  “How can you know that? We’re too different. The past couple of days have been too weird for words. I’d never have had a one night stand with any guy…yet I did that with you of all people. I’m ashamed of myself.”

  “Perhaps if we’d met for the first time as adults, without all the history we have, you wouldn’t have this mental block about exploring a relationship with me.”

  “A relationship? Kane have you been doping on something? We both know that’s never going to happen. We’re too different now. You have the world at your feet and I’m still finding my way in mine.”

  “So leave it. Come with me, Jo. Let’s find out if what I think we could be is possible.”

  “Stop, Kane. It all sounds too easy. You’re being ridiculous now. You show up after twelve years and we have one mind-blowing sexual encounter, and you think I’m going to drop everything to be with you? That may seem normal for your lifestyle, but it’s grossly abnormal in mine. Let’s not make this any harder than it is already,” I pleaded. “I hope you enjoy your tour, have fun and stay safe. I’ll text you my email, you already have my phone number. Keep in touch and I hope when you have some downtime you’ll come and see me again.”

  “So you thought it was mind-blowing as well?” He said, ignoring everything else I’d said. I heard him snicker. After he was met with silence, he exhaled slowly, “Ah, my little Jo, you’re breaking my heart.” Another long pause between us ended when he gave up. “Okay, like I said before, have it your way. I’ll miss you, baby, and I’ll definitely keep in touch. Be happy, girl, you deserve it. I love you, Jo—”

  The line went dead and I stared at the signal because it had dropped off and I never got to respond to those words or to say goodbye. My heart sunk, feeling desperate and depressed that I never got to hear what else he would have said. I missed those final last words, whatever they may have been. I wondered if he had thought that I’d ended the call deliberately. I considered calling him back, but decided it would have just prolonged my agony. Before Friday night, my life had been pretty level. My existence wasn’t exciting, but it had been ticking along nicely, until Kane dropped back into my life like he’d fallen from the sky.

  I stared out the window thinking there hadn’t been enough time to fully process all that had happened and that’s why my feelings were in conflict. The route the driver took us on passed Candice’s place first. Ten minutes after we’d dropped her off I’d made it home in one piece on the outside, but in millions of tiny fragments on the inside. It had been the strangest three days of my life and if a fortune teller had told me that Kane Exeter would pass through my life like a force 5 tornado and would leave me with a much bigger void than he had when I was ten years old, I’d never have believed it.

  I was furious with both Kane and Elliott, but most of all with myself. There was one thing I knew Kane was right about. I wanted a guy that was willing to fight for me and Elliott had given me to Kane on a plate like I couldn’t make my own decisions. Whether I liked him or not, if Elliott wasn’t willing to respect my friends, male or female, would I be happy with that? We’re not together now anyway.

  Chapter 10

  Jealousy burns

  Fitful is the best way to describe my night after the concert. Suddenly I was left with nothing but to pick up the threads of my life and I really wasn’t relishing in the thought of starting another romantic connection in the future. I woke and turned to see the clock on my nightstand, realizing I had overslept.

  Throwing back the comforter, I darted around like a crazy person, putting myself together to hit the streets on time to catch my train to work. I ran all the way down the block with people looking in the direction I came from like I was being chased. By the time I reached the station platform I was a hot mess, heaving heavily, puffing and panting from the exertion just as the train was pulling into the station.

  I thought my day was improving when I saw one seat unoccupied when I entered the car. I flopped into that seat and took my cell out of my pocket and texted Candice to prepare the files for my morning meeting with my father and my awkwardly strict boss.

  There was a text from Elliott waiting for me, and my level of guilt for what I’d done quadrupled as soon as I saw what he’d written.

  Josie, you bring out the best and the worst in me. Please forgive me for my ridiculous behavior yesterday. It was stupid. I was so frustrated about being so far away from you. I remembered how you spoke about Kane from your past and I had an idea what he meant to you. That made me insane with jealously. Knowing that he was with you and I wasn’t there to defend my position cut me to the bone. I’ll be home on Wednesday. Please say we can talk then. Love you. x

  Tight, suffocating feelings stole my breath, and just when I thought I couldn’t feel a
ny worse, I had. Before Kane had come back, Elliott had made me feel safe and secure. Okay, he wasn’t Kane Exeter with his rock star magnetic personality, but he was pretty fucking hot in his own right. Dark brown hair, brooding good looks, six feet three inches, and with a well-honed body from hours at the gym. He had gorgeous, blue-colored eyes like Kane’s and I had felt proud walking out with him. He may not have been a rock star but he had his fair share of heads that turned in his direction.

  I willed myself to stop thinking about him and tried to focus on not getting killed by the distraction on my cell phone as I made my way across the street from the station to the office. My boss, Lester Marling, was waiting by reception when I entered the revolving doors and as soon as he saw me strode over and started to challenge me before I’d even drawn a breath to speak. “You were supposed to be here an hour ago. Early meeting at Hollings Industries ring any bells?”

  From the stunned look on his face it was clear he was shocked that I’d completely forgotten. It would have been pointless to make an excuse. I had such an honest face that I’m sure if I’d tried to lie it would only have backfired and I’d have appeared more of an ass.

  At least I had sent everything over to Candice last thing on Friday, and noting the files tucked under his arm, I knew he’d received them that morning. I inclined my head in the direction of them and did my best not to show my utter incompetence by saying, “Ah, I see Candice followed my instructions and put them on your desk, I knew I’d be running a little late this morning.” Checking my wrist watch, I continued, “However, we still have fifteen minutes, so let’s make our way over there before the competitors snatch the contract.” Taking charge I sounded more confident than I had felt.

  *****

  From that point on my day got progressively better and it wasn’t until it was time to go home that I thought about the text from Elliott again. Calling him was pointless; I’d done the dirty with Kane and figured I’d burned my bridges for any hope of any real reconciliation with him after something like that. I’d been weak and stupid to have fallen for Kane’s lines, but guys did that all the time with women, and I kept telling myself I hadn’t cheated. It had been Elliott’s choice to push me away. It just so happens it hadn’t taken that much of a push for me to fall into the arms of Kane with no real resistance. Jesus I’m a mess.

  Pushing both men to the back of my mind, I entered my apartment and no sooner had I placed my purse on the kitchen counter, I heard my cell vibrate. I ignored it and made my way to the shower to wash away the grime of the day. Only after I was rocking my baggy cotton PJ’s did I pull my cell out and check who had called.

  My heart leapt into my mouth with excitement and once it settled back in my chest it thumped wildly in an erratic beat at the sight of Kane’s missed call. My mind went blank because he had tried to call so soon again after our conversation when I was in the taxi. I sat trying to pull myself together again and wondered whether to call him back. I never had to make that decision because my cell rang again. This time the excitement I had been feeling was instantly snubbed out by the guilt that followed when I was already swiping to answer Elliott’s call.

  “Hey,” I said, sounding pretty meek.

  “Thank God, you answered me. I was scared you wouldn’t talk to me again after my jealous spat with you a couple of days ago.”

  I couldn’t believe how serious he sounded and how guilty I felt again about what I’d done. He had been nasty on the phone before, but he had told me he’d slept with someone as well. I couldn’t feel hurt about that because it was his revenge borne out of anger. The heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach had risen to my throat and tears stung as I prepared to discuss what happened with Kane. I may have had a fling with him, but essentially, I wasn’t that kind of girl. To lie to Elliott would have made me just that.

  “You had every right to be wary, and after I’m honest with you, I’ll understand if you never want to know me—”

  “Stop. I don’t want to know what happened. I only have myself to blame for the way I behaved.”

  “No. Don’t do that. Don’t take responsibility for my bad decisions. Own your own.”

  “So it was a bad decision? That you slept with him?” he asked, even though he’d said he didn’t want to know.

  I stared straight ahead in my sitting room at the blue chair over in the corner and knew I had to say the words to him that would probably kill any relationship we may have still been able to salvage. “Yeah, and I do regret it…I can’t lie to you, Elliott, no matter how much that hurts—”

  “It’s my fault. I gave you to him—”

  “That’s a ridiculous statement, you don’t own me.”

  “Is it? I shouldn’t have told you to spend time with him? What if I hadn’t behaved like a crazy caveman?”

  I smiled nervously because that’s exactly what Kane had called him. “Then perhaps the outcome would have been the same, then again, perhaps it wouldn’t have been. I can’t know that now.”

  “Do you love him?”

  “I think so…yeah I do…but it’s…complicated.” I knew I risked hurting him by saying it, but I couldn’t deny how deep my feelings went for Kane.

  “Complicated? How? Do you love me?”

  Silently, I stood and pondered my answer. I knew I liked Elliott before Kane came back, but once again, the fact that I’d had to think about it told me it wasn’t love, yet. “Kane has been in my heart since I was a child. That kind of bond runs deep, I’m not in love with him nor am I there with you yet, I’m not the kind of girl that falls head over heels for someone. It’s how someone acts, my romantic relationships are cultivated over time.”

  “And that’s why you love Kane?”

  “I don’t know. I love him because I think I’ve always loved him. In love with him is different, Elliott. Like I said, I’m not in love with either of you.”

  “That’s a very honest answer, Josie. Do you think you could fall in love with him? With me?”

  “I’m sure I could…with both of you, but I don’t feel I deserve you after what happened, Elliott.”

  “Is he coming back? Are you seeing him again?”

  “I hadn’t planned on that. We didn’t arrange…well I didn’t…”

  “So for him it was what? Curiosity? A slow night? I’m trying to understand where he’s at with you.” His comment about a slow night stung.

  “He suggested more…I told him that I wasn’t a fit for his lifestyle.”

  “So even if you had those feelings you wouldn’t pack a bag and run away with him?”

  “I can answer that question honestly right now because he offered that to me and I’m still here,” I stated. I wonder how many women would have taken him up on that.

  A strained silence fell between us. “Are you still there?” I asked, a short time later.

  “Yeah, I was thinking,” he inhaled deeply and sounded deflated when he exhaled. “Can we…try again?”

  I didn’t know what to do with his question. “Really? You’d want that…even with what I just told you?”

  “From the sounds of things it was sex. Sex that should have scratched that itch you both had about each other.”

  Is that what it was for Kane? For me? “And that doesn’t bother you?”

  “Yeah, it bothers the fuck out of me, but it would bother me more if you weren’t mine,” he said in a sad tone. My heart squeezed tightly, aching from how my choice of actions had affected him.

  We spent the following hour and a half going around in circles with the both of us beating ourselves up about what had happened with Kane and when he mentioned again about us getting back together, I didn’t feel deserving of that, but I owed it to Elliott and myself to find out if we could be as good as I thought we might have been, had Kane not showed up. There was a question I had to ask and I’m not sure if I would have, had Kane not tried to call minutes before.

  “What if he came back? What if Kane called
me and still wanted to be my friend?”

  “Like I said before, Josie, I don’t think any woman can be just friends with Kane Exeter, but we’ll figure that out if it happens. All my life I’ve waited for the right person to come along. Somehow, I felt that was you. Get this straight in your head, I refuse to be a doormat but I’m willing to try again with you, if you think I’m worth it.” My heart shattered with the sadness in his statement and tears sprang to my eyes with his unguarded comment.

  “I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but think I’d like that, Elliott,” I said, my voice barely a whisper.

  “Then…I will see you when I get home. If you change your mind for any reason, call me.”

  “Thank you, for giving me another chance. Most men wouldn’t.”

  “Josie, if my thirty years has taught me anything, it’s that the heart wants what it wants and neither you nor I can force it to feel what it doesn’t. I called you today because I can’t deny what’s in mine. My head on the other hand wanted to fuck you over so badly, but my heart hurts like a bitch, so the only way to make that ache go away is to let the love that’s been developing for you override all those thoughts.”

  The way he forgave me just like that hit me harder than any harsh words he could have spoken. My throat closed so fast I felt like I was suffocating. Elliott had shown me that his love could be unconditional and I knew it was more than I should have expected.

  “Okay, Josie, I have to run. I love you.” Elliott never waited for a reply before he hung up. I wandered over to my sofa with my phone still poised at my ear then I threw myself face down and allowed all my guilty feelings for what I had done to surface and spill out in my tears. I knew my behavior didn’t warrant a guy like him, but I wasn’t going to squander my second chance even though he’d forgiven me too easily. If it had been me I knew I’d never have forgiven him.