Solving Us

by Susan Renee

  “Probably about a million to one, Liv, but I swear to you I didn’t know about Max. I spoke to Abby last night, and she told me your reaction was because of an old dog you used to have named Max, but she didn’t tell me the whole story. She said it was your story to tell and that you would tell it if, and when, you’re ready; and I totally understand that, probably more so than most people. I understand not wanting to talk about your past, Liv. I get it. I do. And I’m not ever going to push you; but I need you to believe that I would never, ever, ever hurt you, and I just - I didn’t know. I’m sorry. It killed me watching you go through what happened yesterday. I would do anything to take that pain away from you. Had I known, I would’ve given you a heads up or not invited him at all until you were ready.”

  Tears are pouring down my face now as I stand there listening to Finn apologize over and over again. I want to collapse and let him catch me. I want to run into his arms and let him hold me. I want to take him to bed and let him touch me. He flew across the entire damn country to talk to me. There’s no way he’s making this up, and I’m actually grateful that he is here talking to me now, making me listen; but what he doesn’t understand is that I am also broken. It’s not just him.

  “That pain, Finn? That pain never goes away for me. It will never go away for me,” I sob. “Every fucking day I’m reminded of what happened to me. Can you understand that? Do you want to know what happened to me, Finn? Do you want to know why I look like this?” I pull my right sleeve down past my shoulder to expose the scars on my neck and collarbone. I tilt my head to the left to be sure Finn can see what I’m showing him, not that he hasn’t seen them before. I’ve just never shown him my body with the lights on.

  “Do you want to know Finn why every time I see a dog, let alone one that looks like Max, I freak out? Why I have continuous nightmares and flashbacks? Why I have so much anxiety around dogs?”

  Finn shakes his head. “Olivia you don’t owe me any explanations. That’s not why I’m here.”

  “I took my dog for a walk one day,” I continue, not listening to him. “And ended up with a body torn to shreds, bleeding from head to toe, a broken arm, broken fingers and a dying dog who laid with his head on my stomach for almost twelve hours before someone found us.”

  “Olivia…”

  “HE DIED, FINN!” I yell. “Max DIED saving my life! He saved me from a bear. Max tried to fight him off, but my hands got tangled in his leash, and I couldn’t let go, so I had to endure the GROWLING and the BARKING and the SCRATCHES and being DRAGGED along the ground as they fought and ran through the woods and down the road. I laid there and took the blow when Max would jump and accidentally land on me. I couldn’t let go, Finn. And now every day when I shower, or when I look in the mirror, I’m reminded of that day. Every day I look at my hideous scars and wish that it were ME that died that day and not Max because nobody wants this.” I gesture to my body sobbing.

  “Olivia, please don't say that. It's not true,” Finn says softly shaking his head again.

  “ISN’T IT?” I shout. “You can’t honestly tell me that after looking at my ripped up scarred body that you would prefer me over some other perfect girl out there. Someone whose body isn’t flawed like mine.

  Finn’s eyes grow large. He snaps back at me. “You must not think very highly of me, then, if you honestly believe I would choose some other girl over you because of a few scars.”

  “What I think is what I know, Finn, and what I know is that every other guy who has ever told me he loved me or has held me in his arms has left me once they’ve seen the real me. I’m not beautiful, Finn. There’s no making love to me. Being with me is like fucking some old lady with wrinkled flabby skin.”

  “STOP IT, OLIVIA!” Finn shouts back at me. “I don’t ever want to hear you talk about yourself that way again. That’s enough! You’re wrong! You’re wrong about the way you look, and you’re wrong about my love for you. Why can’t you see that?”

  “I’M NOT WRONG, FINN! I’m right, and I’ll prove it, and then you can laugh or be disgusted or turned off or whatever the hell you want. Then you can get the hell out and leave me alone,” I cry.

  I quickly lift the hem of my dress over my head and throw my dress on the floor. I’m standing in the middle of the living room in my bungalow wearing only my pink lacy bra and panties. My breaths came fast and hard, and I can’t stop my sobs.

  “This,” I say trying to keep my pride in check. “This is what you get with me, Finn. Go ahead, look all you want.” I throw my head into my hands and cry. I’m pissed and ashamed and embarrassed. This is how it happens. The guy I start to give my heart to sees the monster that I really am. He realizes that I’m a puzzle that can’t be solved, and he leaves me to pick up my own pieces. I know I’m right when I hear the door close that I had left open when we walked in. I’m standing alone and exposed in the middle of the room, left with no more dignity, nothing but an ugly cry.

  Finn is gone.

  I’ve lost.

  He isn’t my Prince Charming.

  I’m devastated.

  19

  Son of a bitch.

  I can’t believe what a nightmare this night has become. How could I have let myself fall in love so easily when I knew what the outcome would be? What am I going to do when I get back to Boston? Do I even still have a job there? Do I even still want a job there?

  Hell, no.

  I need to get out of here.

  I need Abby.

  She’ll know how to help me.

  I wipe the tears off my cheeks and open my eyes so I can find my dress, but instead, to my disbelief, I find Finn, standing in the middle of the room watching me. I’m so startled, I gasp loudly.

  He didn’t leave.

  He’s not looking at my body, though; he’s looking into my eyes. Not with pity but with love, and dare I say it, adoration. Keeping his eyes on mine, he approaches me slowly and sinks to his knees in front of me. He doesn’t say a word. My eyes are puffy from crying, my head is pounding, and I now have goose bumps all over my body; but I bow my head towards Finn so I can see what he’s doing. He is now face to face with the ugliest part of me, the part of me I hate the most.

  Like it’s perfectly timed choreography, Finn’s hand wraps around my right thigh as Labrinth’s voice begins to sing, “Beneath Your Beautiful” on the radio. Finn softly runs his right hand over my scars. I gasp, and my lips part at his touch. I’m scared and a little confused but also instantly aroused. I’m not sure what to do, or how to react, so I stand there allowing him to touch the ugly parts of me while I listen to the lyrics of the song filling the room around us. He takes his time and deliberately traces every scar on my thigh and my hip as if he is healing me with his touch. When he reaches the scars on my stomach, he places both of his hands on me, one on my stomach and one on my lower back to hold me still, as he leans in and kisses my belly. He continues up the roadmap of scars on my abdomen and all the way to my rib cage, placing kisses over each one. I release the shaky breath I didn’t know I was holding, and with it comes another flood of tears. Standing here in this well-lit living room, my body on display, I’m facing my biggest fear, and I’m not alone.

  My walls are crumbling for the man in front of me, the man I’m allowing to see beneath my beautiful as the song is saying to me. It’s all so overwhelming, and I can’t stop my emotions. Finn stands up and wipes the tears cascading down my face, watching me as I cry, allowing me to let go of my emotions the only way I know how.

  “Listen to me," he whispers. "I’m in love with you, Olivia; I’m in love with all of you. I’m in love with the way your hair feels when I run my fingers through it. I’m in love with the way your nose scrunches up when you laugh. I’m in love with your voice when I get to hear it on the other end of the phone or when I catch you humming in the car. I’m in love with your hands and how they feel when they’re inside mine...like abstract puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. And when you cry?" he says softly, wiping anot
her tear from my face with his thumb. "I fall in love all over again with the warmth of your tears and the sincerity in your eyes.”

  “Finn…”

  Finn quickly places a finger on my mouth to silence me. He isn’t letting me speak.

  He isn’t letting me speak because he wants to be heard.

  He trails his hand down the right side of my body over my neck and down my rib cage just under my breast. “Your scars are so beautiful. They don’t show your weakness, Olivia; they show your strength.” He tilts his head as his hands roam up and down my torso. His feather light touch sends sparks of excitement through me. “Sometimes, Liv,” he whispers to me. “Sometimes the ugliest parts of ourselves are the parts others love the most. And these parts here, they're my favorite part of you because they remind me of who you are. You're strong, Liv, so much stronger than my sister." Finn's eyes start to water. "And I love you for that, so much. For reminding me every day that strength and love and happiness can come from pain."

  All the air in my body escapes me. If I wasn’t in love with Finn Kellan before this moment, there is no going back now.

  I look up at him astounded that he would even say such sweet words to me. I don't even have a response. All I can do is sniffle and wipe more tears from my face. Finn cups my head with both hands and sweetly kisses my lips, and before I know it, we are swaying together in an emotionally charged slow dance. He bends over and picks me up cradling my body in his arms as we continue to sway together. I wrap my hands around his neck and weave my fingers through his hair. Spying the large king-sized canopy bed on the other side of the room, Finn carries me in that direction.

  He lays me down on the bed and hovers over me, wiping away my remaining tears with his thumb and kissing each of my cheeks. He sits up for one moment and slowly pulls his shirt up over his head. There is no mistaking where he wants this to go, and this time, I’m right there with him. I’m ready.

  I want him to love me. I need him to love me in this moment, right here, right now, like I need my next breath.

  I reach up as Finn lowers his body on top of mine and weave my fingers into his hair, pulling his lips down to mine. We stay in this position for a moment, not kissing, just breathing each other in, together. Feeling his tongue brush across my lips when we kiss sends fireworks throughout my body, and I’m instantly on fire for him. I can feel the strength in his hand as he grasps my right thigh and pulls it towards him. I immediately tense when I feel his hands running across my scars, but he doesn’t allow me to feel fear.

  “It’s okay, Liv. I love you. Please, let me love you.” He runs his hand down the back of my thigh and gently squeezes my behind, and I immediately relax. He brings out the calm in me. The moan that escapes my mouth makes Finn smile against my skin as he trails kisses across my jaw and down my neck. I giggle slightly when his lips touch the spot just under my earlobe, and he chuckles next to me. He knows this is one of my more sensitive spots, and where I love his lips to linger, so he stays there, in the crook of my neck tasting my skin.

  I secretly hope he leaves a mark.

  I lightly run my fingernails down Finn’s back as he’s folded over me, and he releases his breath into my neck as his hips push toward me, enough that I feel how aroused he is. I arch my back to press my body as close to his as I can get, and as I do, Finn slides his hands underneath me. He unhooks my bra and quickly helps tear it off of me, tossing it on the floor. We’re skin against skin now, well, mostly. I place my palm on Finn’s chest reveling in the firmness of him before dragging my fingers down his sternum to his belt buckle. I slip my fingers into the waistline of his shorts, and I feel the tip of his erection waiting to be released. Finn hisses as he sucks in a breath. I hastily unbuckle Finn’s shorts and help pull them off. Before he throws them on the floor, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a foil packet I immediately recognize and places it on the nightstand next to us.

  “Was I a foregone conclusion?” I ask teasingly

  Finn smiles but looks at me with caution. “Never. A guy can dream, Liv, and I’ve been dreaming of you for so long now. You’re the answer to my prayers, Liv; you’re the air I need to breathe. You’re the one I want to share my dreams with, every single night.”

  We have been semi-intimate many times before, but never like this. It's never gone all the way. Never with so much love and passion and affection for one another. And never with the lights on. Tonight, though, I feel like Finn is freeing me of the bonds that have been holding me back from not only my ability to love but to be loved. I feel like a genie freed from its bottle. I want to give this man everything that he desires because in this moment, I realize that that’s all he’s ever wanted to do for me.

  Finn loves me.

  And I love him.

  He kisses me again, tasting the inside of my mouth with his tongue and granting me access to do the same. As he leans down to hover over me once more, his mouth covers my breast. One flick of his tongue over my nipple and I am gasping for breath, my mouth open and my hands grasping at the sheets around me. I feel Finn’s other hand slide down my stomach, his fingers tucking inside my panties. He leisurely extends his hand forward until his fingers are sliding into me. I gasp for breath again and cry out.

  “Oh my God, Finn!” I’m panting. Hard.

  His tongue.

  His fingers.

  My body.

  I raise my body to meet Finn’s, kissing his cheek, his ear, his shoulder, his arm, any part of him that I can reach all while he relentlessly continues to suck on my body. I can feel the heat rising in me, and I know I can only last another few seconds.

  “Finn,” I whisper. I’m starting to hold my breath. When I feel his fingers flick inside me, I explode inside. I bite down on his shoulder to muffle my scream.

  I’m floating. Like a balloon cut free from its string, I am floating in the air and never want to come back down.

  A satisfied grin spreads across my face, and I stretch out my body as I feel myself deflate from my floating cloud of pure bliss. Finn sits up quickly and climbs off the side of the bed leaving me bereft of his warmth. I watch him as he sheds his black boxer briefs finally freeing his erection.

  Holy hell.

  The size of him.

  He climbs back on the bed, having grabbed the condom from the nightstand, and sits up in the middle of the bed, and that’s when I see it. He has a birthmark just below his pelvic bone on the left hand side. I try not to stare, but the shape of it makes me want to giggle. It sort of resembles the shape of a horseshoe. It’s not huge, but it’s definitely there, and it’s ridiculously cute and sexy as hell all at the same time. He reaches his hands out for me. I sit up with Finn, nearly straddling his lap, as he rips open his foil packet. Before he can roll on his condom, I take his erection firmly in both of my hands. He is rock hard but so velvety soft. At my touch, he inhales sharply. I hold onto him with one hand and trail my other hand down his chest and over his abdomen until my finger reaches his birthmark.

  “Lucky.” I whisper to myself.

  “Hmm?”

  “Your birthmark,” I say to him as I trace the shape on his pelvis. “It sort of looks like a horseshoe. Aren’t those supposed to symbolize luck?”

  Finn is speechless for a second, and I look up fearing that perhaps I just ruined the mood with my comment.

  “Nobody has ever noticed before, I guess. I don’t even think about it.”

  “It’s sexy as hell, Finn. I love it…maybe it’s your good luck charm, but I think I’m the one who is lucky.”

  I look slowly down to the gloriousness that is Finn and try unsuccessfully to hide my lust for him. I kiss his lips before leaning down to trail kisses down his chest. He doesn’t let me get very far before he pulls me up kissing me again.

  “Olivia,” he breathes. “Keep that up, and this will be over way too soon.”

  I smile at him as he places his hands over mine, moving our hands in tandem up and down his length. Finn closes his eyes and bre
athes in a deep breath.

  "Mmm yes..." he growls softly. I can tell he’s trying to remain in control. I look down at our combined hands and back up to his eyes.

  “I want you inside me, Finn, please; let me feel you.”

  Finn grabs my face and kisses me hard, filling me with the taste of him. He lets go of my face long enough to roll his condom on before he wraps his arms around me and lifts me, connecting our upper bodies. His skin touching mine fills me with a carnal desire to meld our bodies together as one.

  “Olivia,” Finn whispers. I look at him, assuming he’s unsure of my decision to proceed. “My love for you is all the anchor you will ever need; once it’s down, it stays. I want nothing more than to sink into you right now, Liv, but I need you to know that I will never force you into something you’re not ready for.”

  The longing and absolute love I see on his face overwhelms my heart. I’m so ready. I’ve been ready. I want this with him. I place my hands on his chest as I lower myself down onto him slowly reveling in the sensation of every inch of him filling every inch of me.

  “Fuck,” Finn gasps. “You’re so tight like this. Are you okay?"

  “Finn, yes. I’m good. I’m so good,” I groan. He feels so damn good inside me, filling me completely. In this moment, I don’t think we could possibly get any closer.

  “Olivia, you feel incredible.”

  I flex inside, my muscles gripping him tightly, making him gasp. “Oh, fuck, Olivia; I need you.”

  I wrap my arms around Finn’s neck and begin to move my hips slowly. I can feel my arousal build in me hearing him grunt in my ear as he flexes his hips. He wraps an arm around the small of my back and holds one hand around the back of my neck. We are connected in mind, body, and soul, and it is beautiful. Our rhythm begins to quicken. I can feel the sweat on our bodies as we rub against each other. I weave my fingers into his hair and kiss him forcefully, licking the inside of his mouth. I can’t stop kissing him as our bodies move together in rhythm.