Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves

by Visada, J. L. M.

  Colton started to move towards her voice when Bobby grabbed his shoulder. “What?” Colton asked.

  “Remember the bet I made with your wife last year?”

  “Which one?”

  “The one about the 49ers and Saints game, and if I lost I had to mow your lawn, but if I won she had to wash my truck.”

  Colton gave his friend a suspicious glance, “Yeah, now that I think about it…were you just trying to get her to wear something skimpy while she got all soapy and wet?”

  Bobby shrugged and whispered, “Yes, but that’s not the point right now. The point is that I mowed this lawn. I even mowed that dip over there. I don’t care how bad she fell, she still could have crawled out and made her way to your door.”

  Colton thought about it and then nodded, “Let’s get behind the Explorer for cover.” The two men quietly moved back to the other side of the SUV. “Okay, now come on out of there.”

  “Sheriff, I’m hurt. Can’t you come help me?” Lisa made her voice sound scared.

  “Nope, not until you come out.” Colton answered.

  “But I’m hurt.” Lisa sniffled and sobbed. Altogether it was a pretty good acting job.

  “Yeah, and on most nights that would work. I’d come running, but tonight isn’t one of those nights. So you climb out, and when we see who you are then I’ll come over there and help.” Colton pulled out his flashlight and shined it in the direction that he heard her voice. There was a long period of silence before Colton saw one body stand up and start moving towards them. It was followed by two more, and then four more, and then the other nine popped up. “I thought you were alone? Now you hold right there.” The sixteen people just kept walking.

  Lisa raised her gun, “Sheriff, why couldn’t you just have taken the easy way?”

  *Bang*

  The bullet went through the window of the Explorer. Bobby ducked down, and Colton just bent over a little until he was barely peaking over the hood of the SUV. The other fifteen men opened fire. It sounded like someone had lit a pack of firecrackers. Bullets hit all over the Explorer. Lisa and her men weren’t worried about accuracy as much as just pinning the two men down until they could get close enough to bring them down.

  Esteban laughed, “Well sheriff, it looks like fire’s about to finally kick the police’s ass.”

  “Dammit Lisa,” Colton yelled, “I could handle you trying to eat me, but siding with the fire department…that’s just fucked up.”

  “Just keep making jokes. You’re about to be just like us.” Lisa laughed.

  Bobby leaned his shotgun over the hood of the Explorer, “I ain’t gonna be no fucking zombie.” He pulled the trigger, and Lucy belched out fire and lead. About half of it went into the hood of the explorer, and the other half went out at their attackers. Some of the pellets hit the men, one even hit Lisa in the shoulder. She jerked from the impact, but otherwise felt nothing.

  Lisa grinned wickedly. “Oh don’t worry. We’re only changing him because he’s useful. You’re nothing more than a midnight snack.”

  Colton and Bobby fired back, but neither could take aim. So they weren’t any real threat.

  “Bobby, if I don’t make it…take care of Sarah for me.” Colton said as he changed magazines in his gun. He could tell by the sound of the gunfire that they were almost on top of them. After they got him they’d kill Bobby, and then probably kill Sarah…if they hadn’t already. They didn’t want to kill him, so he was planning on jumping out and shooting as many of them as he could before they put him down. Maybe he’d draw enough fire away that Bobby could kill the rest and keep Sarah safe…if she was still alive.

  “Really?” Bobby said with a wolf-like grin. “You thinking of dying on me Colt? Because if you do I’m gonna hump the shit out of Sarah first chance I get.” Bobby didn’t mean it, but he couldn’t think of any way to get the look of resignation out of his best friends face. He’d known the man most of his life, and while he wasn’t sure what the man had in mind, he knew his friend was thinking something stupid. “I’m telling you Colt, you die on me and I’ll be working my Coonass magic on her.”

  Colton looked angrily at his friend for a moment, and then grinned, “Maybe you really are my best friend.”

  “Well hell yeah. Now whatever you were thinking, get that shit out of your head right now. We got us some fucking zombies to kill.” Bobby grinned back, “Besides…the underwear I’m wearing have holes in them. If I’m gonna go console your wife properly then I need to go to Wal-mart and pick me up a few new pair so I look sexy.”

  Colton laughed as he pulled the trigger, “Fuck…after hearing that I plan on living forever.”

  Bobby kept firing Lucy and grinned, “Well shit I thought you might. Guess I’ll have to just learn to live with the disappointment.”

  Colton’s gun emptied and he reached for another magazine. Unfortunately he was completely out. “Shit, I’m dry.”

  “Well you didn’t have to tell them that did you?” Bobby screamed over the gunfire. “I mean shit! At least point the gun at them and say pew-pew or something. Make them figure that out. Damn idiot gingers!” Colton pulled the trigger one last time. His final shell…was a dud. “Ain’t that a bitch!”

  Lisa and her fellow zombies reached the Explorer, “Well boys, your luck just ran out.”

  That’s when the front door opened, and Sarah stepped out. She was wearing a black bustier, stockings, a matching thong, and six inch heels. “STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN YOU BITCH!” She was holding the Winchester model 1892, or as Colton called it…the Rifleman gun, and just like Chuck Connors she swung the gun out and around. The whole gun twirled by the modified saddle ring, and it made a complete circle as the bullet was fed into the chamber.

  *Bang*

  Esteban Martinez dropped like someone had just pulled the plug on the man. Lisa kept moving towards Colton and Bobby, but the other men turned their attention to the six-foot sexy blond wielding the lever action rifle. Whether it was because of how she looked, or because she was the only one that was still a threat is anyone’s guess. Even Bobby and Colton stood up and watched her. They’d almost completely forgotten about the gunfight and were instead watching in amazement as the beautiful blonde stood there taking on the entire group of zombies. As the zombies began pointing their guns at her, Sarah braced the Winchester against the inside of her thigh and began pumping the lever back and forth. Fifteen rounds, fifteen headshots, less than three seconds. Each blast of the Winchester sent recoil against her thigh. The recoil travelled through her body, and made her breasts jiggle.

  “Stop staring at my wife’s tits Bobby.” Colton said, but even he was still locked onto them.

  “I’m trying.” Bobby responded, and he really was trying, but right now the sight of her was just too much for him. For a brief moment he knew exactly what it was like to be a moth trapped by the almost hypnotic call of the bug light.

  “Colton! Bobby! Look out!” Sarah screamed, but then realized the two men were still staring dreamily at her chest. “Boys.” She grunted while throwing the Winchester at the back of Lisa’s head. The rifle twirled in space and then smacked the woman right between the shoulder blades just as she was about to shoot Bobby in the chest. Instead the impact made her jerk, and the bullet clipped part of Bobby’s left earlobe.

  “Ow…motherfucker!” Bobby screamed. He was brought back to reality. The bullet only grazed the man’s earlobe, but it was enough to remove the tip.

  Lisa pointed the gun, this time it was aimed for Colton’s head. Bobby flipped Lucy around, and grabbed her by the barrel, and then swung it as hard as he could. It knocked the gun away. Bobby then swung again and connected with Lisa’s jaw. It sent her sprawling backwards across the front lawn. It broke her jaw, but the impact also broke the stock on Lucy. Bobby leaned down and picked up the pistol in one hand, and held Lucy in the other. He looked at the broken stock sadly, and then dropped the shotgun on the ground.

  Lisa realized the tide had turned, and bega
n trying to crawl away. She could always make more of her kind to come back later and finish them off. Bobby walked behind her taking careful aim for the back of the woman’s head, “Colton? What’s that number thingy you say when someone is ready for work?”

  “10-8. Why?”

  “And what’s the one when you’re logging off?” Bobby asked.

  “10-7.”

  Bobby grinned, “10-8.”

  *Bang*

  “10-7.” Bobby laughed. The bullet tore through the back of Lisa’s skull. The hollow point expanded as he progressed. By the time it exited out the front of her forehead just above her nose, the brain was reduced to something the consistency of potted meat. Brain matter and blood oozed out onto the lawn. Lisa never moved again. “Huh…that was a good one right? 10-8….10-7”

  Colton stuck his hand out and shook it a little, “You need work on the delivery. Plus, asking for the codes beforehand made it kind of anticlimactic.”

  “So you’re saying I should have stuck with a blonde joke or something? “ Bobby asked.

  “Probably.” Colton grinned.

  Sarah watched the two men and shook her head before turning back to walk inside, “I wasn’t expecting company. I’ll go put on something more appropriate. I put the pot roast in the fridge. You know where the microwave is, and don’t leave the guns out here.” Bobby and Colton watched her walk back in the house.

  “Stop looking at my wife’s ass.” Colton grumbled.

  “I’m trying.”

  “Let me help you.” Colton smiled as he rabbit-punched his friend right in the family jewels.

  Bobby grunted and fell to his knees before slowly falling to his side. His face hurt, his nose hurt, his earlobe was bleeding and hurt, and now his balls hurt, but somehow he still managed a big goofy smile. “You know I’m gonna get you back for this.”

  “You’ll try.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  “I love you Bella.” Edward gasped.

  “I love you more Bella.” Jacob said as he pushed his brother out of the way to pick up one end of the body bag.

  “Which one of you lying bastards stole my Twinkies?” Bella asked as she shoveled another handful of Cracker Jacks into her mouth. As her hand moved away a couple of pieces were stuck to the mustache she’d forgotten to shave this morning. She was an unusually hairy woman. In school some of the kids called her Chewbacca, and even now she couldn’t watch Star Wars without getting pissed off. At almost three hundred and twenty pounds she was anything but dainty. Her floral print muumuu hung down to her cankles. She couldn’t find a woman’s shoe to fit her, and so she always wore a man’s extra-extra-large flip-flop.

  “It was Edward.” Jacob said instinctively. The bald fat man feared his sister’s wrath more than anything, and she could be particularly vicious when food was involved. His acne scarred face might have made a thinner man look more distinguished, or at least unique, but on Jacob it just enhanced his less than stellar features. The nose that was too small for his giant round face. He had no real distinctive bone structure whatsoever. The man was four hundred pounds if he was an ounce, and when you looked at him and saw the quintuple chin and fat rolls you could only think that someone just shaved a pug and put clothes on it.

  “No, it was Jacob.” Edward said in his strangely effeminate voice. When comparing Edward with his sister Bella and his brother Jacob, people often made two comments. They often assumed Edward was adopted. Bella and Jacob were both supersized individuals, but Edward was so thin as to be almost anorexic. The second thing they said, though rarely to the Meyers themselves, was that Edward was so skinny because Bella and Jacob ate all the food.

  Edward was definitely their brother, because as their long dead father explained it many times after trying to drink his weight in rotgut whiskey, “I killed that rabbit at the Skynyrd concert in 1973. It was a beautiful night. Your mama was wearing her best cutoffs, and I still had my hair. Freebird was playing and we’d found this nice little secluded spot behind the Porta Potties. Oh it was a magical night.” Sometimes the man’s eyes would water and he’d talk about how much he missed their mother, and other times he’d yell, “Birth control my ass! Lying bitch!”

  No…Edward was definitely related. He just didn’t look it. Bella and Jacob were huge in comparison. Edward was rail thin, and pale, but otherwise he could have passed for a fairly handsome man. At least a person would have thought that until they tried to look him in the eyes. Edward had a lazy eye that just sort of wandered around. It creeped out most people, and so Bella normally handled the face to face conversations. Her unibrow might match her mustache some days, but people handled that much better than her brother’s creepy wandering eye that just never seemed to stop rolling around in his head. Edward’s mother had tried to take him to a doctor, but her husband never wanted to spend the money. After his father was stabbed to death at a company picnic over a game of cornhole his mother took him to the doctor, but they told her there wasn’t much they could do by then.

  “Well one of you is lying. Now which one is it?” Bella tried to look angry, but unfortunately she’d tried botox a few years ago and it paralyzed most of the muscles in her face. It wasn’t so bad that it just hung slack like a stroke victim, but she couldn’t really show any emotional expression. It’d made judging her moods much more difficult for the two brothers. Eventually they learned to just go by the tone of her voice, and right now her voice was deadly serious.

  “He did it!” Both men screamed accusingly.

  Bella shook her head, “Fine! Jacob…go inside and grab me something from the sweets aisle. I’m getting weak with hunger.”

  “Okay.” Jacob dropped his end of the body bag. If Achmed still had a head, it would have smacked the concrete parking lot right then. Instead the few remnants of a head landed first giving a wet splat from inside the bag. Achmed’s shoulder’s hit next, and because Edward wasn’t a very strong man, the rest of Achmed slipped out of his hands and ended up on the ground.

  Bella hissed, “Idiot! Don’t drop them. We have to take these bodies over to the M.E. We won’t get paid if you aren’t careful.”

  Edward pointed at Jacob, “Why are you blaming me? He dropped the body.”

  “He’s doing something more important right now. So stop being useless and get that body in the station wagon.” Edward grabbed the body bag and slid it across the ground. He wasn’t able to pick the man up all by himself. He got to the rear door of the station wagon and let it down. Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to get Achmed into the back by himself. Bella groaned, “God, you’re such a wuss. Can’t you be a real man like Jacob.”

  At that time Jacob was coming back out of the gas station carrying a sack of donuts candies, and other sweets. “Yeah, be a man…like me. Just look at my sexy abs.” Jacob patted his gigantic belly. There wasn’t even a hint that the man was joking.

  “Mmmmm…hot.” Bella tried to grin at her brother, but again the lack of any real control over her facial muscles just resulted in her looking slightly reptilian.

  “Here’s your sweets Bella.” He handed her the sack, and gave her a kiss. It wasn’t the chaste kiss on the cheek like any brother might give his sister. It was the intimate kiss that a boyfriend might give his girlfriend. It even culminated in his tongue giving a probing sweep of the inside of Bella’s mouth. Edward eyed the two jealously. Today was a clearly a Jacob day. That’s how it worked with Bella. Some days she liked Jacob, and other days she preferred Edward. There was no real rhyme or reason for it, but she could change on a dime without the slightest hint of warning. So both men generally waited their turn, and enjoyed their sister’s affections as they came. In the meanwhile they both tried not to kill one another out of jealousy. On some days Bella was willing to enjoy the company of both brothers equally. That was usually the only time they all got along.

  Jacob went to help his older brother, “Come on small fry, let a man show you how it’s done.”

  “Mmm-hmm, and what a man.
” Bella grinned and grabbed Jacob’s ass just as he lifted Achmed. Unfortunately the sudden goosing startled her brother, and he dropped Achmed unceremoniously back to the pavement. There was a very audible pop. Some bone must have broken. “You moron!” Bella screamed and slapped Jacob in the back of the head.

  “You goosed me! What did you think I’d end up doing?” Jacob snapped.

  “You still shouldn’t have dropped him. Now shut up and load him in the back with the others.” Bella ordered. “Edward honey…would you like to drive?”

  The winds of change had blown to favor Edward again. The skinny man grinned and answered, “Only if you sit in front with me my little chicken wing.”

  Bella giggled and then waddled to the passenger seat. Edward scrambled to open the door for her. As she sat down the whole station wagon shifted until it was leaning to one side. Then Edward ran around to the driver’s side and slipped in. He turned the key and the station wagon puttered to life. Cold air conditioning swept through the car. It was so cold that Edward shivered a little, but Bella reached over and turned it even colder. To her it still felt like a furnace. “Give me some sugar.” Bella demanded.

  Edward leaned over and kissed his sister, he cringed a little when he tasted tobacco. Bella didn’t smoke, so he knew he was getting remnants of Jacob’s last kiss. Meanwhile, Jacob finished sliding Achmed into place in the back. The station wagon was packed full of bodies. He slammed the back door, and glanced at the lettering.

  Nightlight Transport

  Deceased Body Removal

  Bella S. M yer – Lead Trans ort And Presid nt – Co-Own r

  Edward C. Me er – Ass stant Associa e Transport And Associate Creative Co sultant – Co-O ner