Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves

by Visada, J. L. M.

  Her sash was bloody, and her hand throbbed, but she was otherwise doing fine. She’d gotten six blocks. She’d just crossed the street when she realized her tiara was missing. “Fuck!” Melissa came to a stop, turned around, and started running back across the street to get the only evidence that she thought might tie her to the crime scene, and that’s when the station wagon hit her.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  “Shit!” Edward, Jacob, and Bella all screamed in unison. The brunette was hit, and went rolling over the hood, cracking the windshield, and then being launched up into the air. She came down with a heavy thump onto the pavement. The station wagon’s tires squealed as it slid down the road. The bodies in the back went everywhere. By the time Edward had the car stopped, Jacob was buried under three bodies.

  “A little help?” Jacob begged. His voice was muffled by the former Deputy Pocky’s groin. Edward and Bella scrambled out of the front seat, and they began digging their brother out. Bob Pocky was the first they moved. “Thank God. That man is hung like a mule. Now someone get these other two off me. They’re crushing my sexy abs.”

  “Oh you poor baby.” Bella bent over to try and soothe her brother. After kneeling down she leaned forward to kiss Jacob to tell him it would be okay, and that’s when she broke wind. It sounded like a horse’s snort.

  “Dammit Sis…did you have to do that while I’m stuck down here?” Jacob grumbled.

  “Well fuck you then! I was trying to be supportive.” Bella snapped and walked away.

  Jacob sensing a missed opportunity to be her current flavor of the hour begged, “Wait…I’m sorry. I just…I just…OH GAWD!” The unholy stench that had been living in Bella’s semi-tight sphincter finally wafted to Jacob’s nose. “GAWD DAMMIT! Edward get me out of here! It’s burning my nose hairs.”

  “I’m trying but these two are kind of wedged in on top of you. Can you exhale a bit so I can maybe pull them away?” Edward said as he kept tugging.

  Jacob had a choice to make. If he exhaled now, then he’d have to inhale later. Right now he was holding his breath, and the stink was still making his eyes water. Another breathe of flatulent air might have the man retching in the gutter. Still, the alternative was just to be trapped, and he didn’t know if he could wait the stink to go away of its own accord. Jacob exhaled and Edward pulled. The first of the two remaining bodies slipped out. Jacob was able to crabwalk out of the car and onto the pavement then. He gasped, and the unholy stench flared once more into his nostrils. It was a distinct aroma, and something akin to five day old stale pizza, rancid milk, and the pungent scent that might only otherwise be found emanating from around Cthulhu’s scrotum after a two hour run on a treadmill.

  Jacob waddled over to the side of the road, and began throwing up. Cheetos and Doritos, half chewed beef jerky, pop rocks, and Corn Nuts sprayed out with a vengeance onto the soft grass. Meanwhile, Edward was still pulling Achmed’s body back into position. Achmed didn’t fit back as easily as he originally did. The bodies were all jumbled, and now everything was much more difficult to get them stored correctly.

  Bella watched the two men as she stood over Melissa. “Are you two slobs going to just sit there doing nothing, or are you gonna get over here and help me?”

  Edward strained to get Achmed’s leg back in place. When he finished it looked like the world’s most disturbing game of Tetris. Jacob blew out the last few bits of his dinner. It consisted of an cheesy orange doughy mass that once had been a pepperoni pizza hot pocket, a few soggy bits of the waffle cone and undigested nuts left over from his Nestle Drumstick ice cream, and a slightly purple liquid that was the remnants of the liter bottle of grape soda the man had drunk just prior to starting tonight’s pickup. Jacob spit a few times and waited a moment to make sure nothing else was going to make a surprise appearance. After he was sure it was all clear he stood up and said, “I’m coming. I’m coming. Keep your pants on.”

  Both men stood with Bella, and they all stared down at the former beauty queen. Edward groaned, “We are so fucked.”

  “Not necessarily.” Bella grinned, “Let’s load her up and say we found her at the gas station.”

  “What about the dent in the car?” Jacob asked.

  “We hit a dog. No! We hit a deer. That’ll make a lot more sense.” Bella smiled.

  “You’re so smart.” Jacob leaned over and kissed Bella. He pulled her close, or as close as any four hundred pound man can pull an over three hundred pound woman, and shoved his tongue into her mouth. He even took the time to fondle his sisters left breast. Her breast deformed and then just sort of congealed back together with every squeeze…like old gravy.

  “Yeah…you’re a genius.” Edward leaned in to kiss his sister, but then recoiled. He turned a little green and pointed at her mouth, “You have a little puke on your upper lip.”

  Most women would have been disgusted. Many of them would have thrown up , and maybe cried over the sheer grossness of it all. Bella wasn’t that type of woman. Instead her tongue shot out, and with a quick flick in returned to her mouth, “Mmm…pepperoni.” Then she punched Jacob in the arm. “You son-of-a-bitch! I told you I was saving that last hot pocket for lunch tomorrow.”

  “I got hungry.” Jacob whined. “I was wasting away. If I didn’t eat something then I might lose my sexy abs.” There wasn’t even a hint that the man was joking.

  Bella punched him again, and tried to frown, but the botox just wouldn’t let her. So in desperation she actually used her hands to manipulate her face into an angry frown. “You owe me another hot pocket. Now load this skinny bitch up, and let’s get out of here.”

  They loaded up the brunette into her own body bag and slipped her in. They had to bend the woman so that she’d be able to fit. The three of them then jumped into their station wagon and drove off. Melissa lay on top of the bodies. Her head bounced on a comfy cushion made by the giant flaccid penis of the formerly alive Deputy Pocky.

  They drove to the M.E.’s office, and began unloading the bodies onto a pallet. Normally they’d have used something more appropriate, but there were so many that it ended up being the only practical thing to do. Melissa was loaded with the others, and pushed inside.

  Dr. Trip Beudreax stood in the morgue. His operating table was already clean and awaiting the first subject. The Meyer’s brought the bodies in, and loaded them on different gurneys. They didn’t really talk to one another. The Meyer family creeped Trip out, and the Meyer family felt the same way about the doctor. There was just something unsettling about the man. Maybe it was how he never seemed to blink. Instead he always closed his eyes slowly, and then opened them just as slowly.

  It could have been the interest he showed in the bodies…particularly the female bodies. Trip began opening the body bags to see who he had, and to sort out the ones too badly disfigured to easily identify. “Damn shame.” Trip grumbled as he stared at the exposed breast of the headless woman from the gas station. “She probably was a real looker…am I right?”

  Jacob, Edward, and Bella all shrugged. Bella leaned in and asked, “I’m going to need the paperwork so we can turn it in for our pay.”

  “What?” Trip asked, his eyes still locked on the dead woman’s large mammary. It took Bella snapping her fingers in front of the doctor before he snapped out of it. “Oh yes…of course. Here you go.” Trip walked over and signed everything. He handed it back, and the Meyers were gone without another word. “Just turn it into the police station…as usual.” The Meyer family were gone from the room before the ink dried. Trip went back to the headless woman.

  He reached down and squeezed her remaining breast and tried not to look at the mangled mess where her other boob used to be. Blood pooled up in the hole left from when Colton shot it, and eventually it seeped out. If he squinted just right he could almost imagine the woman was lactating. He gave it a few more squeezes before sighing, “Why do all the good looking ones have to die in such horrible ways? It never leaves me with anyone decent looking t
o play with.”

  It was a problem he’d had for years. Beautiful young women normally died in car accidents, or motorcycle accidents, their husbands or boyfriends might beat them to death, or they’d have some other horrible accident. It never left them looking anywhere near as beautiful as they were in real life. The rare exception was the suicides. Of course the problem with that was they often didn’t get found for days, and so by the time they arrived most of them were kind of bloated and…gooey.

  Trip finally reached Melissa’s body bag. “Jackpot!” The doctor blurted out. Not only was Melissa fresh…she was still fairly warm. The doctor was actually giddy. He ran to the door, and locked it. Then came back and loaded Melissa on the exam table. “I wouldn’t want anyone to disturb us my dear.” He gave the woman’s body a quick once over as he cut the clothes away. “Other than a few bruises, and of course the missing fingers, you are in remarkable condition.

  Melissa’s legs were spread carefully. Trip went to his locker and grabbed some Vaseline. “Oh…it’s like my birthday came early.” After removing his clothes, he took a large glop of the Vaseline and stroked it up and down his shaft a few times to make sure he’d be good and slippery. The one problem Trip always had was the women he liked weren’t able to provide him the natural lubrication he needed to get what he wanted. Of course if he waited a day or two they’d naturally ooze a little, and he wouldn’t need the Vaseline then, but by then they weren’t much to look at.

  She was vaguely aware that something was on top of her. Melissa’s eyes fluttered open. What she saw were two nipples undulating in front of her. It was a man’s chest moving up and down, and she became aware of something sliding in and out of her. It took her a full minute before she realized it was a man’s penis.

  “OH BABY! OH BABY! WHO’S YOU’RE DADDY? WHO’S YOUR DADDY?” Trip kept repeating this as he rhythmically dipped himself in and out of her. The woman was the most beautiful specimen he’d ever had in the morgue. She was even still kind of limber. He took great pleasure in hooking her legs into the crook of his arms, and then started trying to really pound himself inside her.

  Of course pounding might be a bit of an overstatement. The man had the smallest penis Melissa had ever felt in her life. Under normal circumstances she might have awoken terrified of the man grunting like a pig as he twisted and turned his hips to get himself inside her as deeply as he could…which was just slightly over two and a quarter inches. Due to his disturbing lack of length, she had to fight to keep from laughing. It wasn’t just his lack of length that she found so hilarious, it was how thin his penis was. It wasn’t much thicker than a pencil. The more Trip tried to ride her like he was some porn star, the more she had to fight back the urge to laugh.

  Trip thrust himself in one last time and groaned, “Uhhhhnnnngh….Miley Cyrus!” Melissa snorts of laughter were covered up by Trip’s moans as he continued to spasm while spurting into Melissa’s now very cold vagina. She’d lost what little body heat she arrived with due to the ice cold air conditioning used to maintain the bodies inside the morgue. “Oh baby…you’re the greatest!”

  “Really? Because frankly I could have been fucked better by one of those tiny drink umbrellas you get at the bar.” Melissa teased.

  “What the?” Trip looked down at the now grinning young undead woman. “Holy Shit!”

  He tried to get away, but Melissa wrapped her arms and legs around the man to hold him in place. Then she laughed, “Oh hell no. You got what you want, and now it’s my turn.” She bit down on his chest.

  “Oh fuck! Let go!” Trip screamed and tried to pull away. All he succeeded in doing was helping her pull away a huge chunk of his chest. Blood poured out of the bite wound onto her face and Melissa squeezed her thighs a little tighter to keep the doctor in place.

  She took another bite. This time it went through the muscle and left the man’s exposed sternum. He tried to fight her off, but she wouldn’t budge. Terror pumped adrenaline through the doctor’s body, and he began to try and wiggle free. The fight or flight response had taken over. He lifted himself up from her for a few moments, but then Melissa bit one more time. Bone crunched in her teeth, and when she pulled back Trip’s sternum had a huge bite taken out of it. The man’s heart could be seen beating far too quickly and unevenly. His heart was about to give out on him.

  Another bite, and blood exploded from his chest and covered the former beauty queen’s face and upper body. Melissa pulled her face out of the wound, and chewed a mouthful of the man’s heart. It took her three tries to swallow all of it. Trip’s eyes went dull, and he flopped on top of her. Melissa lay there under the man and then laughed, “Well at least he didn’t ask me to make him a sandwich.”

  Melissa rolled the man off of her, and he hit the floor with a meaty thud. The undead woman hopped off the table, then lifted the man in one arm. She tossed him back on the table, and took care to get the man’s head comfortably in the headrest. She then grabbed the bone saw. After cutting away the top half of the man’s skull, she leaned over and buried her face into it like she was competing for a pie eating contest. Gray matter dribbled down her chin. It was the best thing she’d ever eaten. After using her finger to scrape out the last few bits of gray mattered goodness, she went around searching the morgue for clothes. After looking around, she finally accepted the fact that most the clothes were too tattered to be worn, and anything else was so ugly that she wouldn’t be caught dead wearing it.

  Melissa sighed, and walked out of the morgue. She stepped out and shivered a little when the night air blew across her nipples. A cold front had moved through while she was unconscious. “Wow, I bet my nipples could cut…” She looked down and realized that the cold had done nothing, “nothing at all.” When she thought about it she realized that the cold weather really hadn’t felt that cold. It was more of a pavlovian reaction than an actual response to the weather.

  It was just under a mile from the M.E.’s office to the water processing plant. One of her regulars, Wade Parker worked there. Maybe, just maybe, she could walk over there and get him to give her a ride back to her place, or better yet she could just eat him and take his pickup. Either way it was getting really late, and she needed to get moving.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  1:30 A.M.

  *Ding*

  The microwave finished warming up the pot roast. Colton and Bobby sat together in the kitchen. “Can you believe the night we had? Jesus…who’s gonna believe this shit?” Colton grumbled as he got up and pulled the pot roast out of the microwave. They heard the bedroom door upstairs open, and then heard Sarah walk over them.

  She called down the stairway, “Colton…baby can I borrow you for a second?”

  Colton scooped himself another bowl of pot roast and said, “I’ll be back in a minute.”

  “No problem.” Bobby said between mouthfuls.

  Colton started off to the stairs and then came back, “Hey, you know it’s kind of late. There’s not much more we can do until morning. I can drive you back to your house if you want and then pick you up after breakfast, or you can sleep on the couch.”

  “The couch is fine.”

  Colton grinned and headed off to the stairs saying,“Great, I’ll get Sarah to dig you up a pillow and a blanket. How do you like your eggs?”

  “Cooked.” Bobby grunted at the darkened hallway where Colton had once stood. He kept eating his dinner as he heard the little fat man scramble up the stairs. Colton and Sarah started giggling, and even though they were trying to be quiet, Bobby was pretty sure about what his friend was getting called upstairs to do. Bobby belched, looked up towards the ceiling where he assumed Colton and his wife were now, and saluted. A few moments later just as he was finishing his bowl he heard the first few squeaks of Colton’s bed. Bobby laughed, “You dirty old dog you! Well, I guess you won’t be needing this then.” Bobby reached over and took Colton’s second helping of pot roast.

  2:00 A.M.

  “Damn…what the hell hap
pened here?” Edward asked.

  The front of the police station had a huge hole in it. A burnt husk of a fire truck was on its side, and the Meyers could see people wandering around inside the station. Most people would have decided to turn around and leave. The Meyers looked at one another and drove into the parking lot. Their station wagon rolled slowly up to where the front doors used to be. When they finally stopped, eyes stared back at them.

  “I think this was a bad idea.” Bella whispered.

  2:03 A.M.

  *SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANK SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANG*

  “I think this was a bad idea.” Bobby whispered.

  Sarah never came down to get him anything to sleep on the couch with. After finishing dinner, he went find his own pillow, and then his own blanket. Unfortunately he had no luck in either, so Bobby grabbed a tiny round red inflatable pool toy. It wasn’t much of a pillow, but it was better than nothing. Then he raided the bathroom and grabbed a few of Sarah’s big decorative towels. They were the kind of towels wives hang up to make the bathrooms look better, but that nobody is actually allowed to use. They were softer than some of his blankets at home, but they weren’t big enough on their own. It took eight of them layered carefully to make something resembling a blanket. Bobby would have asked Sarah for help, but she was currently indisposed.