Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves

by Visada, J. L. M.

  “Oh yeah Baby! Give it to me Big Red!” Sarah’s voice was muffled, but Bobby still heard every word.

  “Damn…I remember when I used to make Sue scream like that.” Bobby giggled uncomfortably. “Guess when you don’t have kids you just never learn to keep it quiet.”

  The sound of the Mudd’s lovemaking filled the quiet house. It was vigorous, and playful. With the pace the little fat redhead kept it was no wonder he’d been losing weight. It was actually more amazing that he hadn’t hurt himself yet. It was frantic. They kept going at it like two people possessed. Then after another twenty five minutes the pace suddenly changed.

  “Yeah! Take it! Take every last drop of Big Red!” Colton gave a loud grunt that signaled he’d just finished.

  “Oh I think I’m gonna be sick.” Bobby groaned.

  2:28 A.M.

  “Oh I think I’m gonna be sick!” Jacob screamed as the station wagon screeched around the corner. The undead men and women at the station were piled up all over the outside of the car. Some of them were tearing their way through the metal. One was already halfway through the rear window. Jacob opened the door and vomited onto the road at seventy miles an hour. When the door opened the zombie was hanging off the door trying to reach Jacob. Its feet hit the pavement as it slipped a little to try and reach the fat man. At the speed they were traveling, the shoes were gone the moment they hit the ground, and unfortunately for the zombie so were its feet.

  The zombie punched through the glass. It’s hand grabbed at Jacob. It could only grab the rotund man by his fat rolls. Jacob tried pulling away, but the zombie held onto the man. “Let go of my sexy abs!”

  “Come on fatboy…let’s party!” The zombie stuck his head into the window and tried to bite Jacob.

  He was stabbed in the eye with a Butterfinger bar by Bella. She drove it deep into the eye socket, and punctured the creature’s brain. The zombie went limp and began sliding out the window. “Oh thank God…I though me and my sexy abs were done for.” Jacob sat up and kissed Bella, “Thanks sis…I love you.”

  She punched him in the mouth, “You owe me a Butterfinger asshole!”

  The zombie slid down the door and fell in front of the rear wheel. He’d been a large man in life, and in his very short undeath he hadn’t really lost any weight to speak of. The station wagon hit the body and jerked wildly. It veered off and smashed into an arts and crafts store. The mass of hungry zombies went flying off the station wagon and landed inside the store. The zombie that had been halfway into the rear window went flying through the car, passing right between Bella and Edward, and it slammed into the windshield. The windshield gave way immediately. The zombie flew through the air and crashed face first into the bottom of a giant plush Winnie-the-Pooh.

  The station wagon wouldn’t move. Jacob and Bella opened their doors and got out. Edward sat up and pushed his door open. Unfortunately one of the employees left a some candles burning by the register. When Jacob opened the door, he knocked over the candles. They fell onto the greeting cards and wrapping paper. In seconds the cashier desk was on fire. The station wagon was blocking the front doors. Edward could probably crawl over the car and escape, but Bella and Jacob were both far too fat and out of shape to make the climb.

  “If we go to the back of the store there might be a rear door we can escape from.” Jacob screamed.

  “Where’d you learn to drive? Grand Theft Auto?” One of the zombies groaned. It had a decorative lamp imbedded in his chest.

  The other zombies started groaning and grumbling as they began rising to their feet. Jacob and Edward both ran headlong into the zombies. They were trying to head for the back. Unfortunately two of the zombies were already on their feet. One zombie backhanded Jacob. The fat man went rolling into the bath salts aisle. Edward was hammered by the other zombie. He went sailing into the other wall. He crashed into where the glitter and ribbons were kept.

  “Fuck that hurt.” Jacob rose to his feet. He looked over to his right. He had a straight run to the back of the store. He couldn’t see a door, but there were no zombies down his aisle. Jacob looked back to the sister he loved passionately, “Bella…you have to come with me! Me and my sexy abs will protect you!”

  “No! Come with me Bella.” Edward yelled, and then his voice was drowned out by a droning horn. The fire triggered the burglar alarm. Bright lights turned on, and Bella could see Edward glittering. He also had cute little pink bows stuck in his hair, and ribbons hanging off of him like streamers. Then the burglar alarm went into its next alert phase. The bright lights began to flicker. They went from blindingly bright to just being your average strobe light. A white nontoxic smoke was released inside the alarm. It was designed to make theft harder because if you can’t see it then you probably are going to have a hard time stealing it. The smoke was supposed to fill the room, but the sprinklers came on, and pushed the smoke down until it only covered everything up to a person’s waist.

  Jacob motioned for Bella to come with him, and Edward gestured for her to come with him. It was the hardest decision Bella ever made in her life. She took a look at both men. She loved them both, but could only go down that aisle with one of them. If not for her badly done botox then both men would have known how emotional a decision it was for her. It would have been written all over her face. Instead she had a blank expression.

  The fire was spreading. Bella had to decide right now. She looked back one more time at the very large Jacob, and his “sexy abs”. Then she looked at skinny Edward covered in glitter, bows, and ribbons. He had a determined look in one eye, but the other one seemed to just roll around wildly in his head. She mouthed “I’m so sorry.”, and ran off towards Jacob. By the time she reached Jacob, the fire had burned through the wiring. The alarm was silenced forever.

  Edward was heartbroken, but he was determined to survive. He’d win her back somehow. Edward ran down his aisle alone. He got halfway there when three zombies slammed into him. They each grabbed a part of the man. One grabbed each leg, and then one grabbed the head. The zombie holding the head laughed and yelled, “Make a wish!”

  The two other zombies pulled and yanked as hard as they could. His left leg ripped off at the hip. Edward screamed, but for only a second. The zombie holding his head gave a quick tug, and the glittery man was silent forevermore. “Yes! I win! I win!” The other zombie laughed and danced around with the rest of Edward’s body. Of course he didn’t get to celebrate long before several other zombies tackle him to get their share of the body.

  “Oh Bella…I’m so glad you finally chose me. Was it my sexy abs that won you over?” Jacob asked while they both waddled down the aisle together.

  “No…not your sexy abs.” Bella grunted as she pushed her way around Jacob.

  “Well what was it?” Jacob asked. At that exact moment the all the other zombies that had been hanging on the car rose up out of the smoke. They started moving towards Bella and Jacob. Jacob stepped between Bella and the undead. “I’ll protect you. You chose me, and we’ll never be apart.”

  That’s when Bella kicked the man in the knee. Jacob fell down into the smoke and screamed in pain. “I picked you because Edward is just too fast to outrun, and if the zombies caught us like this then I didn’t have to be faster than them. I just needed to be faster than you.”

  “You bitch!” Jacob screamed as Bella took off down the aisle all by herself.

  She got to the back of the store. There was no door. The fire already covered the front of the store. There was no way out. That’s when she heard Jacob scream again, “Oh Gawd! Please…not my sexy AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABS!” He howled in agony as they tore open his fat stomach and began eating him alive. He screamed for five minutes before he was finally quiet. The fire was raging out of control, and that’s when she saw them.

  The zombies were moving towards her. The fire had already caught up to them. They were like walking candles. She could see their charred and blackened features. She watched as bur
ning flesh crumbled and fell off when they began to smile at her through the flames. She knew right then that she was going to die. It was as inevitable as twilight changing to sunrise. Bella held up her hands. They trembled with fear as the burning wicks of flesh kept moving closer. Their skin bubbled from the heat. The fire overcame a few of them, and they collapsed. The others drew closer. Their mouths opening and closing, teeth snapping like hungry dogs as they attempted to get one last meal before their brains melted from the flames. They all closed in, and she sank to the floor trying to get away. They reached out for her. Their arms burning as they grabbed for her clothes so they could pull her into one final, fatal embrace.

  Her clothes ignited, and she counted that as a mercy. Maybe the fire would kill her before they did. She tried to comfort herself with that thought as the flames melted her muumuu into her skin. Bella was wrong though. She wasn’t killed by the flames. She felt the zombies teeth start in on her long before the smoke started suffocating her. Bella coughed and wheezed while the zombies gnawed on various parts of her burning body. She felt the flames, she felt the teeth, and she even felt when one of them began chewing on the front of her forehead. It was agony, and she screamed.

  2:58 A.M.

  “Ahhh-AHHH! AAAH! OH YES! DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING STOP!”

  Bobby cringed every time Sarah screamed out passionately, and since they started he’d found out she was quite a screamer. He’d heard of hysterical blindness. It was when someone saw something so traumatic that it caused them to temporarily lose their sight. It might happen if someone witnessed a murder, or maybe walked in on their parents having sex. It was the brain’s way of coping with things. Right now he was praying to God for hysterical deafness.

  *SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANG*

  “Dear Lord when are they gonna stop?” Bobby groaned as he listened to his best friend making love to the woman of his dreams…again. Bobby laughed and tried to pull his makeshift blanket over his ears. One of the towels came up, but it didn’t do much to quiet the happy couple’s lovemaking. “Well I guess I can sort of see why she likes him so much. The little bastard humps like he’s the Energizer Bunny.”

  “Oh Big Red…no Baby don’t stop…I need it…I need it so bad. Don’t make Momma beg for it.” Sarah sounded exhausted, but she still wanted more. There was a few moments of quiet, and then Bobby heard a very distinct buzzing sound. It sounded a lot like his electric razor, but then he started hearing her gasping and moaning. “Yeah…oh baby that’s it! You’re gonna do that? OOOOOHFUCKTHAT’SSOGOOD! That’s the spot right there. I’m so close. Oh Big Red…you’re such a dirty boy!”

  Colton was talking, but it was as though he was covering his mouth while he spoke. Then Bobby realized his best friend probably did have his mouth covered. He put it all together and realized the buzzing was Sarah’s vibrator, and Colton sounded muffled because he had his face planted firmly at Sarah’s wet and currently very willing entrance. “Oh sweet gentle Jesus…can you please give me a very small brain aneurysm? Don’t kill me…just make me forget everything after the pot roast.”

  3:25 A.M.

  *SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANG*

  3:40 A.M.

  “Oh Baby yeah lick it…lick me you hungry little red Wombat of love!”

  4:20 A.M.

  “Oh Sarah honey…I’m gonna…I’m gonna…NNNNNNNNNNNGH!”

  Bobby glared at the ceiling with bleary eyes. “If he starts up again…I’ll kill him.”

  5:00 A.M.

  *SNORE*

  “It sounds like a gateway to hell.” Bobby yawned. He stayed up another thirty minutes before exhaustion finally caused him to fall asleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  “I don’t like this story.” Polly pouted.

  Gary looked down at the young teen, “What didn’t you like about it so far?”

  “You killed Bella, Jacob, and Edward. Plus you made them ugly, and fat. Twilight’s my favorite book and you just made fun of all the main characters and killed them.” Polly crossed her arms and glared at the much older man as if to say “This discussion is over.”

  “Don’t listen to her sir. The rest of us love the story. It sure beats hearing something stupid about how some escaped con is now a ghost in the woods, or something like that.” Jimmy’s word was practically teen law. Most of the other teens nodded in agreement with their leader.

  Even Polly looked embarrassed that she’d ever said anything. “I liked the rest of the story. I just didn’t really like the part about Jacob, Bella, and Edward. Mister…Uncle Gary, Why did you have to pick on them like that?”

  “Well you see. I’m sure Twilight is an amazing book. I’m sure it’s got a great story. In fact it’s probably one of the best stories ever written…for a teenage girl, but I’m not a teenage girl. I’m a white male in my mid-fifties. Frankly Twilight wasn’t written for guys like me.” Gary said with a playful smile.

  “But men like Twilight. Even men your age, and some older.” Polly wasn’t willing to give up her position, and that position was that Twilight was the greatest event in her life. That the books had changed her outlook on romance and love. Polly’s life was split into two eras, before Twilight and after Twilight.

  Gary nodded, “You’re absolutely right. Men my age love Twilight. Some men even older than me like Twilight too, but we typically call them homosexuals. I’m not one of those either. Women are one of my favorite subjects.” Then Gary gave Ashley, the camp counselor, a squeeze. Ashley and Gary looked into one another’s eyes, “I really enjoy burying myself in the subject.”

  Ashley blushed and grinned. Most of the other kids smirked. They could tell she really liked the man. Polly interrupted, “Not all the grown men that like Twilight are gay!” Polly was offended, and ready to storm off. Of course the problem was it was dark and she wasn’t brave enough to wander out on her own.

  “Of course they all aren’t gay. There’s those metrosexuals.” Gary shrugged.

  “No! There are normal guys that like Twilight.” Polly yelled.

  Gary sighed, “Fine…I’m sure there are normal guys that enjoyed Twilight…I just never met any.”

  “My daddy likes it. He watches the movies with me.” Polly snapped.

  Gary shook his head, “No, your daddy likes you. He watches the movies to get to spend time with you.”

  “That’s not true!” Polly looked ready to cry.

  Most of the other campers were staring at the young girl in frustration. They wanted to get back to the story, but the young girl refused to let it go. She absolutely had to defend the greatness that was Twilight. It might cost her Jimmy as a boyfriend, and it might cost her the hard won popularity she’d worked for. She knew standing up for her beliefs might be hard, but sacrifices sometimes had to be made for the greater good of Team Edward.

  “I is living in a yeller submarine…a yeller submarine…a yeller submarine! I is living in a yeller submarine…cause I pee on every’ting!” It was John’s voice. He was making his way back through the woods.

  “Boy?” Gary yelled out to the darkness.

  “I’m coming Daddy!” Big heavy feet ran through the woods. The man was so loud and noisy that everyone could follow his movement as he ran towards them. There was a heavy thump, “Ouchy!”

  “Boy? You okay?” Gary asked with genuine concern.

  “I fall down, but okay!” John scrambled loudly the rest of the way into the campfire. He sat down on the other side of Ashley, “You’re pretty.”

  “Well thank you John.” Ashley smiled.

  “Down boy…I called dibs.” Gary gave a protective squeeze.

  John shrugged and then flopped onto his stomach. His eyes locked onto the fire, and he suddenly became very still.

  “Where’s the others?” Ashley asked. The fires had a hypnotic effect on John. He just stared into the fire and grinned. “John?” Ashley tried to get the mentally handicapped man’s attention, but he was fixated by the fire. He stared at i
t longingly.

  “Boy! The woman asked you a question.” Gary nudged his son with his foot.

  John snapped out of it. He rolled onto his back and grinned innocently, “They stay back at camp.”

  “They stayed back there? Why?” Ashley asked.

  “DOUCHEBAG!!!!!” John barked as if that explained everything.

  Ashley looked to Gary in confusion. Gary shrugged, “I think he means your coworker decided to keep the others there.”

  “Yep-yep!” John said before turning back onto his stomach and staring at the fire.

  “Well there you go…I guess Marvin got jealous that you were all having so much fun and decided to keep a few of you. So…is everyone ready for the rest of the story?” Gary asked.

  “Yeah!” Most of the teens screamed in unison.

  The only exception was Polly, “No more Twilight jokes.”

  The other teens groaned, but Gary smiled and nodded, “I promise to leave the Twilight out of it the rest of the way.”

  “You’d better!” Polly snapped.

  “You know…someday you’re going to make someone a very…interesting wife.” Gary chuckled.

  Polly was about to respond, but Todd interrupted, “Hey do the rest of you smell smoke?”

  “Probably just the campfire.” Gary shrugged dismissively.

  “No, the wind is blowing in from behind us. You and Ashley are smelling the smoke, but the rest of us shouldn’t be.” Todd said nervously.

  The other kids started looking nervous, but then John pushed up on his knees and said, “Oh yeah. I’s forget. DOUCHEBAG!!!! He say that there is forest fire.”

  “Fire!” The kids screamed.

  “Yes, but not nearby. Fire way off, but he said we might smell the smoke.” John answered.

  The kids calmed down, and Gary smiled, “Well that was a little distressing, but it’s good to know that we don’t have anything to worry about. So how about you young boys and girls…excuse me, you young men and women get in your sleeping bags, and I’ll finish the story.” Polly started to say something, but Gary grinned, “I promise I’ll keep any smartass comments about Twilight to myself.”