Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves

by Visada, J. L. M.

  “I’ll do it! Tell these motherfuckers to line up and I’ll give them a colon cleanse they’ll never forget.” Digger grunted with enthusiasm.

  “Digger…can you try to be a little nicer?” Jessup said before turning his attention back to the young woman, “I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but how exactly do I kill you?”

  “Silver. Paulie the fry cook had some silver rings on and when he changed the rings cut right through his hands. They healed back up when he changed, but the master ordered us to stay away from the silver. If you kill us then we can finally rest.” Margarita said, and the others nodded.

  “Well how am I supposed to pick them up if it burns through us like you say it does?” Jessup questioned.

  “He kicked them down a drain. We were hoping maybe you’d be able to go get some silver and come back to kill us.” Margarita begged.

  “I don’t have anything like that. I guess I could steal some, is there any other way?” Jessup asked.

  Margarita thought for a while and then looked at the man with a sad determination, “We ate a trucker earlier. That big gas tanker out there is probably full. If you ran the hose in here and then turned it on…”

  Jessup nodded, “It’s going to hurt.”

  “I handle the pain, but I can’t live with what I’ve become. None of us can. We’ve eaten people. We ate kids. The messed up part is that we know what we’re doing is wrong, but we just can’t stop ourselves, and once we start it just feels so right. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to be a monster.” Margarita wrapped her arms around Jessup and started crying again.

  Jessup sighed, “Okay.”

  Margarita stepped back wiping the puss from her eyes. “Thank you.”

  Margarita told him everything she knew about how to find Danior, handed him the keys to the eighteen-wheeler, and then led Jessup to the door. She stopped at the door almost as if there was an invisible wall keeping her there. Jessup walked through the doors and climbed into the eighteen-wheeler. It started easy enough, but getting it to pull up to the door was hard. It kept stalling out on him. When he finally pulled up to the entrance Jessup got out, and immediately started running the hose into the building.

  Margarita, Urhiness, and all the others actually cheered him on.

  “Wait!” Digger screamed.

  “What?” Jessup asked.

  “Before we go…can you get me some more ice cream?” Digger asked almost kindly.

  “Sure thing.” Jessup picked Digger up by his tail.

  “Hey what the fuck man? Go easy on the tail. It’s attached you know.” Digger grumbled, but Jessup just ignored him. He walked over to the soft-serve ice cream machine. Opened the top, and dropped the little armadillo in. “You son of a bitch!” Digger screamed. “If this wasn’t so deliciously good I’d climb out of here and kick your ass!” Digger rooted around in the frozen treat, and gobbled up as much as he could before another ice cream headache stabbed him in the brain. “OW-OW-OW-OUCH! Jessup you asshole! Get me out of here! It’s-OW-freezing-OW-in-OW-here!”

  The armadillo grunted and squealed as one ice cream headache after another rolled through him. Margarita asked, “Is he okay?”

  “Sure…he’ll be fine. He just loves ice cream.” Jessup smiled. “I’m pretty sure he wants to finish off the rest of it before we pull him out.”

  “You mother-OW-fucker!” Digger bellowed.

  “Yeah…he’ll only be like maybe a half-hour if you guys don’t mind? In the meantime…” Jessup turned and smiled at Margarita, “What do you say about maybe us going in the bathroom and celebrating the last half hour of your life?”

  ***Three Minutes Later***

  “I swear…that’s never happened before.” Jessup said as he zipped up. “I’m not really a three-pump-chump. I swear.”

  Margarita sighed as she felt him running out between her thighs, “That’s okay…I really wasn’t that interested anyway. I just wanted to thank you for putting a stop to all this.”

  Jessup helped her up to her feet, and they moved to the door before Jessup stopped. “Hey, do you think we could at least wait here a few minutes so I don’t look completely pathetic out there?”

  Margarita laughed, “We’re only going to live a few more minutes anyway, and you’re worried what the other guys might think about your performance.” Jessup just stared back at her. He was still waiting to see if she’d agree to waiting a couple minutes so he could save face. Margarita laughed and shook her head, “Men…okay. I’ll wait.”

  “Thank you.” Jessup smiled and kissed her.

  ***Fifteen Minutes Later***

  Margarita and Jessup walked out. “Was it good for you baby?” Jessup asked as he walked out in front of the other guys still working at the McDonalds.

  Margarita fought the urge to laugh, “Oh yeah baby…it was the best. I can barely walk. It’s a good time to die because you’ve ruined me for all other men.”

  Jessup puffed out his chest and walked proudly to the soft-serve ice cream. He reached in the top and pulled out a half-frozen armadillo. “Y-Y-YOU F-F-F-F-UCKER!”

  “Come on Digger. We have to put our friends out of their misery and then it’s off to New Orleans.” Jessup turned and walked towards the door. He stopped next to Margarita and kissed her on the head, “I’m sorry about what he did to you. If it helps any just know I’m going to kill that bastard.”

  Margarita smiled, but her eyes said she didn’t believe he’d make it, “Thank you.”

  Jessup and a shivering Digger made it outside. He turned the gas on and waited for it to start filling up the inside of the building. A few minutes into it, Margarita realized the drains in the floor were keeping the gas from building up. “Plug those holes boys. We don’t want this to just slow roast us.”

  As soon as the drains were plugged the gas began to fill the building. Some of the others started blocking the exits with towels and hamburger buns to keep the fuel from running out. Twenty minutes later, and the gas was standing up to their ankles. Margarita walked to the glass, and tapped on it, “You need to get out of here. This place is going to explode.”

  Jessup walked over and put his hand on the glass opposite hers, “I really am sorry.”

  Margarita leaned in to kiss the glass, and Jessup met her lips on the other side. Then he walked towards his truck. Green tears filled with puss ran down his cheeks. Digger followed him. They got into the truck and he slammed it into first, and tore off for New Orleans.

  “Well Asshole…what now?” Digger grumbled while he was still thawing.

  “REVENGE!” Jessup growled, and everything in his face said the man was out for blood.

  “Well shit…now you’re talking my language Jessup. I think I’m starting to like you more already. REVENGE!” Digger screamed.

  “REVENGE!” Jessup answered, and just then they heard what sounded like a thunderclap. Black smoke rose up behind them, and tears ran down Jessup’s face. “REVENGE!”

  When they arrived in New Orleans Jessup and Digger stopped the truck at 2700 S Broad St. The truck parked right in front of a mural with a giant rainbow that stretched across the Bohn Motor Company building. The whole neighborhood was mostly empty. No kids were playing. No old people were sitting on their porches. It as if everyone went on vacation. The truth was that almost everyone in this part of town was either changed by Danior, or food by now. It took a lot of food to fill the stomachs of almost five hundred werewolves. It was getting harder every day. Soon he’d have to release them on the French Quarter and the rest of the city. Keeping it all a secret was almost impossible by now. The cemeteries were being used nightly as feeding grounds. Danior had started using Johanna and her misfit monsters to go into public buildings like police stations and fire. Officers were almost always willing to be extra patient with the handicapped. It was part of their training, and so Danior used it to get tours of the police stations. Most of the New Orleans PD was either dead or converted, and half the fire stations were fil
led with hungry zombie werewolves. They operated as though nothing was wrong, and waited for their master to give the orders. The city was already practically his for the taking. The uninfected just didn’t realize it yet.

  Digger got out of the truck, caught Danior’s scent in the air, and started running. “REVENGE!”

  “Digger! You come here when I call you! Digger!” Jessup screamed.

  “REVENGE!” Digger bellowed as he rounded Cajun Seafood on the corner of Washington and South Broad Street.

  Unfortunately for Jessup at exactly the moment he was screaming for his little albino armadillo, Samuel Davis and his friends were walking out of Cajun Seafood. “What did he call me?” Samuel snapped.

  “I believe the young man called you a Nigger.” Marvin Green answered.

  “I believe the young man needs a foot broken off in his ass.” Luther Reed said from his wheelchair.

  “Better not be you Luther…you only got one.” Thurgood Black joked as he pushed his friend out towards the road.

  “Not N…not that word. I said Digger…not N…that word!” Jessup said nervously.

  “What’s a Digger?” Samuel said patting his potbelly as he digested his meal.

  “It’s a little armadillo.” Jessup answered.

  “Armadillo?” Thurgood questioned. His big afro wafted in the breeze.

  “That’s what he said.” Marvin Green said as he wiped the crumbs off his walrus mustache.

  Luther made Thurgood push him up even closer, “Boy…call us names if you want, but don’t just lie to us. Shit. At least have the decency to own up to it. I didn’t lose this leg in the war just to have some little cracker like you insult my friend and then make up bullshit like that.”

  Thurgood laughed, “Luther…you lying bastard. You didn’t lose that leg in no war…unless it was a war with cake. Can you believe this Marvin…MARVIN! Can you believe Luther here is trying to tell Cornbread here that he lost his leg in the war.”

  “I think he was trying to teach the young man a lesson.” Marvin answered.

  “So he’s gonna tell him about not lying, by lying about how he got his leg cut off. That don’t make no damn sense to me.” Thurgood snapped. “What’s wrong with just telling the truth. Ain’t nothing to be ashamed of in saying Luther lost his leg to the diabetes.”

  “Thurgood…shut up for a moment. We’re trying to deal with something serious for a minute.” Samuel snapped.

  “Oh please. If the boy ain’t got the sack to admit he called you a nigger to your face then what’s the point.” Thurgood responded.

  “I didn’t call him a n…that! I was trying to call my armadillo back. His name is Digger.” Jessup tried to explain, but the more he said it the less they believed him.

  “Okay Cornbread…I’ll tell you what. You just say you’re sorry, and we all go our separate ways.” Samuel said in a last ditch attempt at keeping things peaceful.

  As irritated as Samuel and his friends were getting that Jessup wouldn’t admit what he’d done, Jessup was getting just as mad that they wouldn’t believe him. “Now listen one last time old man…I said Digger! Not n…that word.”

  “Old Man!” Samuel growled, “I’m not too old to whip your pasty ass boy.”

  “What is wrong with you people?” Jessup groaned.

  “You people!” Samuel and his friends all said as they bowed up in anger.

  Jessup put his hands up to try and calm them down. “I don’t mean YOU PEOPLE! I mean you people. The four of you, not all black people everywhere.”

  “Oh we know exactly what you meant.” Luther said.

  “No I don’t think you do.” Jessup answered.

  “Oh! So now I’m too stupid to understand basic English. Boy I ought to climb up out this chair…hop over there…and kick your ass!” Luther snapped.

  “I’d pay good money to see that.” Thurgood laughed.

  “If I did get out this chair it’d be to kick your ass first.” Luther snapped.

  “So is there gonna be an apology or what?” Samuel growled.

  “I’m not apologizing for something I didn’t do.” Jessup growled back. Both men were nose to nose.

  “Kick his ass Sammy!” Luther cheered. “We didn’t march in Selma just to put up with crap like this.”

  Marvin looked at his wheelchair bound friend, “Your wrinkled old ass didn’t march in Selma.”

  “Well I dated a girl named Selma back in 1968…cute little Venezuelan girl with an ass so big you could use it like a shelf. That’s good enough as far as I’m concerned.” Luther smiled as his friends shook their heads in disbelief.

  “You’re really not helping.” Samuel said before turning his head back to Jessup. “So apologize, and we won’t kick your lily white ass from here to the pumping station down the street.”

  Jessup leaned in, “How about this. I didn’t say that word you think I said. So go fuck yourself, and if you can’t understand that then bring it on. I’ll be perfectly happy shoving your friend’s giant afro up your ass.”

  Samuel swung. Jessup ducked and punched the older man in the kidney. He hit him so hard that Samuel urinated himself. “Damn Sammy…boy done made you piss yourself.” Luther howled.

  Marvin and Thurgood grabbed Jessup. They started punching him, but he barely noticed. Jessup reached up and grabbed Marvin’s mustache and gave a hard yank. The man screamed and covered his upper lip with both hands as blood ran down his face. “Damn Marvin! Don’t take that shit from that boy!” Luther tried to egg his friends on. He even wheeled himself at Jessup. Luther raised his one leg up and rammed Jessup in the balls with his size thirteen.

  Jessup covered himself and bent over, and that’s when Luther’s friends started pounding on him again. Finally, Jessup couldn’t take anymore. He grabbed Samuel’s pants and yanked them down. He then kicked the man in the stomach to force him to bend over. Then he grabbed Thurgood by the back of his head, and in one swift move he rammed the man’s head firmly up the other man’s ass.

  “GAWD…DAAAAAYUUUMN!” Luther screamed in shock.

  Samuel fell to his knees screaming. His pelvis was shattered, and Thurgood was wedged in so deep the man couldn’t breathe. His nose was broken, and his lower lip and both ears were torn off from the force of the entry. All he could do was put both hands on each of Samuel’s ass cheeks and try to push his head out of the hole. Marvin got behind Thurgood and tried to help pull him out, but that proved to be a mistake. Jessup grabbed the man and rammed his head into Thurgood’s ass. He didn’t even bother to remove the pants this time. The material on his pants tore as Marvin’s big bald head was crammed way up inside the other man. His ears also tore away, and his nose was crushed flat against his face.

  Jessup was so angry that he nearly changed. The bones and muscles shifted under his skin for a moment. “What are you?” Luther asked. He was so afraid that if he actually had two legs the knees would be knocking together at this very moment.

  At that moment Digger came back around the corner, “Hey asshole! Are you going to get moving or…what the fuck are you doing?”

  “What the hell is that thing?” Luther screamed.

  “That is Digger…D-I-G-G-E-R. The albino armadillo…bet you assholes are feeling pretty stupid now aren’t you.” Jessup grinned maliciously.

  “Can you believe this shit? Samuel? Cornbread here was telling the truth the whole time.” Luther sputtered as he leaned forward and tried to wheel away past his friends. He almost got away when Samuel grabbed the man’s wheel hoping desperately for help. “Let go Sammy! Dammit I said let go!” Samuel didn’t respond, and instead just kept screaming in agony. The two other men’s screams were muffled by internal organs.

  “P-p-please…just let me go. Whatever you and that thing are…we didn’t mean no harm. It’s just a big misunderstanding.” Luther begged nervously.

  “Normally I’d say it’s all good and we’d all go our separate ways.” Jessup said with barely restrained anger. “So far this week has be
en significantly fucked up, and I’m not expecting it to get any better.” As Jessup looked down at Samuel and Samuel’s two suffocating friends, he laughed coldly, “You heard of the Human Centipede? I think I just made the Black Caterpillar.”

  “Hey whatever man…just let us go okay.” Luther begged.

  “Last week I’d have said sure, but after this week…no.” He then looked at Digger. “Hey Digger! Come get some!”

  Digger hit Marvin’s ass at fifty miles per hour. He ripped through the pants, and kept digging his way up through the man. When he reached Marvin’s heart, Marvin collapsed drawing an agonized scream from Luther as the full weight of his friend was now dangling from Luther’s butthole. Digger kept going. Every now and then one of Digger’s claws would cut through the skin showing his exact location, but otherwise the only sign Digger was progressing was the large lump moving up from Marvin into Thurgood, and of course the torrent of blood and shit exiting the gaping hole Digger left in his wake. When he reached Luther’s heart, and the second man also collapsed.

  “Luther! Jesus help me!” Samuel pleaded. Luther could only watch in horror as the lump moved from Thurgood into Samuel. Digger was getting greedy and instead of making a slow progress through the man’s body, he began lunging up into the man. He reached the heart on his second lunge. Then the man Luther called his friend for twenty-eight years, the man who stood beside Luther on his wedding day, the man that helped carry Luther’s wife’s casket four years ago...fell to the ground dead.

  “Oh Sammy.” Tears ran down Luther’s face. He then turned back to Jessup. “You son of a bitch! I hope you rot in hell!”

  “I’m already there.” Jessup said before he kicked the man’s chair over. “I just didn’t expect to have so much company.”

  Digger lunged forward and popped out of Samuel’s neck. He squirmed and wriggled, but eventually slipped out in one bloody mess. He turned and started eating through the man’s skull. He was so worked up from it all that he changed right there in front of Luther’s face. “Holy shit!” Luther screamed and started crawling away from Digger. He could have made better time if he’d had turned over and started crawling away like a normal person, instead he did a modified crabwalk away so that he wouldn’t have his ass exposed to the little armadillo. When Digger finally finished changing he made short work of Samuel’s brain.