Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves

by Visada, J. L. M.

  “That isn’t an armadillo…armadillo’s don’t do that. That’s got to be one of those Pokemon things I hear my grandkids talking about. That’s a fucking Pikachu!” Luther screamed in terror.

  Unfortunately Digger was listening, “Pikachu? What the fuck’s a Pikachu? Let’s get it straight here! I’m one-hundred percent grade-A nine banded armadillo from Texas.”

  Digger hopped up and down cursing and screaming in a rage-filled tirade. All Luther heard was the grunts and squeals, but even he could tell the armadillo was pissed. Luther turned over in a panic and started crawling away faster.

  “Okay Jessup the Asshole…pick me up like a good sidekick, and roll me at that jackass.” Digger said.

  Jessup tried to pick up the armadillo, but he was too unwieldy to lift up like a ball, and he couldn’t even roll up completely. At best he formed a horseshoe shape. At first Jessup couldn’t think of any way to roll the large angry albino zombie werewolf armadillo, but then it came to him. Jessup grabbed Digger’s tail and swung him like he was doing a hammer toss. When he released Digger, the armadillo tried his best to form a ball. Instead he just bounced down the sidewalk willy-nilly before pouncing on top of Luther. Flesh and blood sprayed everywhere as the armadillo ravaged the man’s insides. Within minutes the man was dead, and Digger was happily chewing his fourth brain in ten minutes. “Pikachu my ass!” Digger grumbled as he took another bite. His weremadillo features were already sloughing off his body.

  “Okay so why did I have to toss you after him?” Jessup asked.

  “Teamwork. If you’re going to be my sidekick I need to know you’ll follow orders. Good job Asshole Amigo.” Digger said matter-of-factly.

  “I am not your sidekick. We’re partners…and stop calling me Asshole Amigo!”

  “Fine…good job Anal Boy.” Digger responded.

  “Don’t call be that either…Jesus.”

  “The Sphincter Specter?”

  “Shit that’s even worse. Can I just be Jessup.”

  Digger seemed to contemplate it for a moment, “Fine…you’re Jessup.”

  “Thank God.” Jessup sighed with relief.

  “The Ass-Goblin of Death!” Digger said with a snicker. Jessup started chasing the armadillo. “SHIT! SERPENTINE MOTION! SERPENTINE MOTION!” The man chased the zombie weremadillo around the bus stop, around the telephone pole twice and then back around the bus stop before he gave up.

  “We can’t just keep running around like this. We need to find that asshole and kill him.” Jessup said.

  “Revenge!” Digger screamed as he started running off to track down Danior.

  There was a wicked gleam of pure malevolence in Jessup’s eye as he snarled, “REVENGE!”

  Chapter Fifty-Two

  Sarah handed Bobby two low fat low calorie snack cakes and whispered, “If Colton starts eyeing sweets give him one of these, and remember this is our secret.”

  “Yeah, I know. I’ll tell him I got them back when we stopped at that gas station on the way in.” Bobby answered quietly. Bobby slipped the snack cakes into the pocket of his jacket and then walked off to find B.J. She’d just finished up her makeup and was walking out of the bathroom. “There’s my little girl…looking beautiful as always.”

  “Thanks Dad.” B.J. smiled. “Are you and Colton going to be okay?”

  Bobby rolled his eyes, “You know as surprising as this sounds, Colton and I did actually do stuff before you were born.”

  “I know that.”

  Bobby was about to rub it in a bit about being a grown man, and being able to handle himself when he saw his reflection in the mirror. He barely recognized the man looking back at him. Bruising caused the two crazy blue eyes to look even more sunken into the head of the man staring back. Even Bobby could tell that he was a man easily ten to fifteen pounds underweight. His shirt was still open under the jacket, and the tattoo of the raccoon was staring out from between the cloth. A missing pinky, and two missing earlobes that had only just begun to heal didn’t exactly scream sophistication. To top it off he had a blonde crew cut did nothing to soften his features. “B.J. do you think…I mean…would it be better if I…” Bobby sighed with resignation, “I’m just a complete mess.”

  B.J. hugged her father, “Dad…what’s gotten into you lately?”

  Bobby sat down in a chair and started buttoning his shirt. “I just watch all of you, and I really just don’t fit in. You’re going to college, and you’ll be this big successful science person, and I still don’t even understand how popcorn works.” B.J. started to speak, but Colton put a hand up to stop her, “I’m so proud of you. You’re an amazing daughter. I just worry a lot that when you start to make it big that I’ll be like an anchor holding you back. It’s like Sarah and Colton. Did you know those two snorkeled, skied, and did all kinds of other shit when they go on vacation?”

  “Yeah, I mean that’s what vacations are for.”

  “I didn’t…hell it’s like they have a whole second life that I’m not part of. I know it sounds weird, and it’s not that I’m jealous or anything, but you’d have thought if they were having that much fun they might have at least told me about it.”

  B.J. shook her head, “They didn’t tell you because Uncle Colt hated most of the vacations. They went skiing, and he couldn’t ride anything more than the bunny slopes so five year old girls were picking on him as they zipped past him. The snorkeling was part of this package where you got to swim with dolphins at the end. One of the dolphins tried to rape Uncle Colt.”

  Bobby stared incredulously at his daughter, “You’re shitting me?”

  “No, it actually happens far more often than you’d think.”

  “Oh…that little redheaded hobbit is never going to hear the end of this.” Bobby grinned wickedly.

  “And that’s why they didn’t tell you.”

  “What?” Bobby asked in confusion.

  B.J. shook her head, “Dad…do you know anybody that would want to be picked on for getting molested by a dolphin?”

  Bobby mulled it over and then hung his head in shame, “I’m a real dumbass sometimes aren’t I?”

  “Yep.” B.J. laughed and kissed her dad on the head. “But you’re my dumbass, and I wouldn’t have you any other way.” She gave her father a big hug and said, “Also, I’ve never once thought you held me back. You taught me a lot of things, and one of them was that people should always be themselves. Life is way too short to waste it trying to be something you’re not. You taught me that being smart was more important than being popular. That people mattered more than things. You supported me when I said I wanted to grow up and be a scientist even when Mom kept trying to push me into modeling. You made me realize that if a man only wanted to love me because of how I looked…then that wasn’t love. If a man is more worried about the size of my waist than the size of my heart then he isn’t really a man to begin with. You were always there, always supportive even when you didn’t understand what you were supporting, and you always made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Dad…you aren’t the anchor that drags me down. You’re the balloon that lifts me up.”

  Bobby’s eyes watered, and he looked ready to cry, “That is the sweetest thing I ever heard.”

  “You’re still going to make fun of Uncle Colton getting molested by the dolphin aren’t you?” B.J. groaned.

  Bobby wiped a tear from his eye, “Every chance I get.”

  B.J. rolled her eyes and laughed as she walked off to leave with Sarah. Bobby smiled and finished buttoning his shirt. He stood up and gave himself one last look in the mirror. “At least my nose isn’t crooked.” Then he turned and walked off to find Colton.

  “So where you two ladies going tonight?” Colton asked as he eyed his wife like she was the last piece of cheesecake on earth.

  Sarah smiled, “A spa, dinner, and then we’re going to ride some airboats to see a voodoo zombie ritual in Bayou Sauvage.”

  “Seriously? Haven’t we had enough with Zombies?” Bobby
groaned.

  Sarah nodded, “It was your daughter’s idea. I wanted to go shopping for retail therapy, and then maybe dancing.”

  “I thought all things considered, it might be good to know what we were dealing with.” B.J. said.

  “So what about you two?” Sarah asked.

  Bobby shrugged. Colton smiled, “You already know I’m taking him to Shorty’s. Then we’ll play it by ear.”

  “Be careful.” Sarah said as she leaned down to kiss her husband.

  After Sarah and B.J. walked out, Colton looked at Bobby, “There’s gonna be some ground rules.”

  “Like?”

  “No midget jokes. That’s disrespectful, and unless you want to get tossed out by six of the meanest midget stripper bouncers in the country I suggest you…” Colton watched as Bobby’s eyes glazed over. “You aren’t listening to a word I’m saying are you?”

  “I could get tossed out of the bar by midget bouncers.” Bobby said with hopeful excitement.

  “I see it already…we’re going to jail.” Colton groaned.

  Bobby looked down at his friend and smiled like a kid that just found out Christmas is coming one day early, “Midget strippers…midget bouncers…is there a midget bartender?”

  Colton nodded, “Yes.” Bobby marched for the door with a newfound bounce in his step. Colton shook his head and grabbed his cell phone off the charger on the way out, “So much for the rules.”

  The two men walked down Toulouse past the Hotel Marie towards Burgundy Street, and then went northeast on Burgundy. They kept walking until they reached a grey brick building with several men dressed in leather walking inside. Some of them smiled and a couple winked at Bobby.

  “Colt? I don’t really think I’m ready for your secret lifestyle choices.” Bobby teased.

  “Shutup Coonass. You’re gonna piss off the locals. Besides, I only came this way because it’s the route I took last time I was here. There probably a more direct route, but I might miss it then.” Colton growled as they walked past the Rawhide gay bar and turned right on Saint Ann Street. They walked past multi-colored buildings and just before they reached Bourbon Street, they saw Shorty’s strip club. It looked like an abandoned building, but standing outside was the most heavily muscled midget Bobby had ever seen. Colton led his friend to the door, and the bouncer stopped them. He was bald, shirtless, with a nose ring, and barbed wire tattoos circling both biceps. “Welcome to Shorty’s. The only midget strip club in the bayou. You boys are in for a treat. Tonight, and for the rest of the week, we’ve flown in the top midget strippers from all around the country. Remember, no touching, and respect the employees…or else. My name is Angus, and if there is a problem just ask for me. One way or another I will solve it.”

  Bobby fought the urge to ask, “Or else what.” As Colton led his friend inside, Angus flexed his pectoral muscles and made them dance. It was meant to intimidate, but Colton was already lost in the scenery inside. The bartenders were midgets, the dancers were midgets, the waitresses were midgets, and even the janitor sweeping up in the corner was a midget. “Colt…you are my best friend ever.”

  “Yeah-yeah-yeah. Just remember to keep your mouth shut.” Colton grunted.

  The two men weaved in and out through the tables and found chairs up near the front stage. The DJ of the strip club finished playing “Cherry Pie”, and said over the speakers, “That adorable blonde was our local girl Sukya Stankhose, don’t worry fellas. The girl will be showing off her assets on the main stage again in forty-five minutes. Next up…on loan from the Ardeur in St. Louis…our little voodoo queen herself Anita Black. If she can’t raise the dead in your pants boys then nothing can.”

  The woman swayed and writhed as the DJ cranked up “Something in Your Mouth” by Nickelback. She was half German, and half Mexican. Bobby was already grabbing his wallet to toss money her way when Colton grabbed his wrist. “No…tonight is on me and Sarah. She even gave us some money to play with.” Colton reached into his pocket and pulled out a roll of cash. “Here you go. Just don’t go spending it all at once.”

  Colton grinned, “I take it all back. Every mean thing I ever said about you.”

  “So I’m not a fat, soulless ginger?” Colton asked.

  “No you’re still that. I mean I said I’d take the mean stuff back, but I’m not just going to lie.” Bobby laughed as he slid a ten in Anita’s g-string.

  “I’m Rachel Morgasm. You want a dance honey?” A young redhead asked.

  “Hell yeah.” Bobby yelled as he handed her a twenty.

  Rachel grinned and hopped up in Bobby’s lap. She started bouncing and pumping. She shoved her breasts in Bobby’s face and jiggled, “So where you from Sweetie.”

  “Livingston Parish.” Bobby answered as he tried to ignore the pain from a nipple that was poking him in the eye. He then looked over at his best friend and shuddered, “Colt! Can you look the other way or something?”

  Colton glared at Bobby, “What? Why?”

  Bobby shrugged as Rachel was pumping her butt against his growing erection. “I know it’s stupid, but she’s a little person…you’re a little person. You’re both redheads. It’s like I’m getting a lap dance from one of your relatives, and it’s creeping me out.”

  Colton rolled his eyes, “So now you’re calling us little people. Why the change?”

  Rachel giggled, “What can I say? I know how to keep my men in line. Isn’t that right Big Boy?” Rachel punctuated the question with a sudden circular motion with her hips that left Bobby staring out into space with lust-filled eyes. Colton had to turn away, that look was making him uncomfortable.

  The music ended, and Rachel immediately hopped up. “If you would like something a little more intimate…there’s always the Champagne Room.” Rachel grinned seductively.

  “Thanks but, we just got here. Maybe later?” Bobby grinned.

  “That was Anita Black.” The DJ said. “She’ll be back in forty-five minute. Up next on loan from Tri-Cities Titties in Washington, Mercy the Mechanic. Boys…this is one girl that definitely knows how to change a man’s oil…if you know what I mean.” Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me” started cranking up as half-indian woman stepped out from the curtains. She spun around the pole and started pumping every inch of her tiny body towards Bobby’s face.

  Rachel moved on to the next man hooting and hollering. It was a sailor with a broad neck, and only one eyebrow that stretched across his entire forehead. Bobby was mesmerized by each bump and grind from Mercy’s pelvis. “Do you think B.J. would mind having a stripper mommy?” Bobby asked as his eyes bugged out of his head.

  “I think you need to remind yourself that marrying a pair of tits is how you got stuck with Sue in the first place.” Colton laughed. “But it is good to see you enjoying yourself.” A waitress walked by and Colton ordered some drinks.

  “I would like to come inside please.” Damien said to Angus the bouncer.

  “You look pretty young. Can I see your ID?” Angus asked.

  “Sure, but you will have to reach into my pants.” Damien answered.

  Angus was visibly disgusted by the thought of touching the paralyzed man. “Shit…I guess it isn’t like you could do anything. Go inside, and I guess I don’t have to tell you to keep your hands to yourself.”

  “Smart Bass.” Damien answered.

  The young man weaved his way through the club. He rolled past Bobby and Colton, and pulled up to the front stage. It was the first time since this all began that he’d been able to get away from Lula Mae. The nine year old was busy watching the parade of Krewe of Chewbacchus parade down St. Claude Avenue. She was laughing so hard at the sight of the man wearing a grass skirt and coconut bra pulling the Bar-2 D2 float that she didn’t hear Damien roll off into the crowd. He just wanted a few minutes away from the girl. She just didn’t stop talking like they were a couple. Lula Mae was sweet, but it really creeped Damien out.

  She’d find him eventually. He knew it as surely as he knew th
e tattoo on one of the strippers was done just to cover up her stretch marks. He did his best to make it hard for her to find him. He took time weaving in and out of the people in the parade. Floats about Dr. Who, Mystery Science Theatre 3000, Star Wars, and basically every other science fiction icon littered the street. Marvin the Martian was even in front on a bicycle leading the parade. Men dressed up as space ships, and even a man built the wings of a Tie Fighter and mounted them to his bicycle. Men and women dressed in all kinds of sci-fi gear. It wasn’t easy to navigate them, and a lot of the people thought he was part of the parade. Some of them thought he was trying to be Stephen Hawking, and wanted to take pictures with him. He didn’t have much of a choice since often he got crowded in, but after each picture the people moved on and he kept going. Eventually he left the parade route, and rolled off towards Bourbon Street.

  When he arrived on Bourbon Street, the place was packed. Balconies were packed, music blared out from all directions. Women everywhere were yanking their tops up to get beads. Damien liked that part best. He rolled up and down the street enjoying the sights and sounds. He was mesmerized by two nipple piercings on the large breasts swaying back and forth on a nineteen year old co-ed. A shower of beads came down on her. Some of the weaker throws landed on Damien. If the young man could have grinned, he would have. Then he saw Lula Mae’s reflection in a giant pair of novelty sunglasses. She was still about a half block behind him, but she was catching up. It was pretty obvious she was still trying to find him, and at the rate she was going it would only be a few minutes. Damien rolled off as fast as his chair would let him. He reached Saint Ann Street, and saw Shorty’s. It was a place Lula Mae couldn’t enter, and that was good enough for Damien.