Hopeless For You

by Hill, Hayden

  I trudged forward, keeping the front end of the stretcher elevated. The riverbed felt slippery beneath my toes and I worried I'd lose my balance. Thankfully, the water stayed relatively shallow. Even so, the cold seemed to climb up my legs and suffuse the rest of my body.

  And then it was over. One moment I was trudging across slippery stones on the river and the next I found myself scrambling onto the shore of the far bank.

  Thank you, God.

  The stretcher bumped and grated as I dragged it up the bank. Kade didn't make a sound the whole time. I lowered the stretcher and rushed back to check on him. His eyes were closed. Water had seeped into the bottom of the sleeping bag near his feet but otherwise, he was dry.

  "Kade, are you okay? Kade." I touched his forehead. Still burning. I opened the pack to give him more Ibuprofen. "Take these. Kade. Kade?"

  He was out again. I checked his pulse. His heart was still beating, though weakly.

  I untied the branches from the base of the stretcher, and then I dried my feet and pulled on my socks and boots. I hoisted the stretcher up once more and dragged Kade over the relatively flat ground. I moved as fast as I could.

  "We're almost at the road, Kade. Almost there." I said it mostly for myself because in all honesty, I had no idea how far away we were. Pretending that each pine ahead marked the road gave me the will to drag Kade to that tree, and then to the next one.

  Every part of me hurt. My lungs ached. My muscles trembled with fatigue. My heartbeat seemed to pound louder with each step, competing with my ragged breathing. I wasn't cold anymore, that was for sure. I was sweating from the exertion. I kept my eyes focused straight ahead and pushed myself forward, determined not to stop until I reached the road.

  But apparently, my body wasn't as strong as my mind because eventually I just collapsed, dropping the stretcher and Kade. I crawled to his side, worried I'd injured him. He was growing pale and he didn't respond to my touch or anything I said. A sharp sob of despair welled in my throat but it came out a choked whimper.

  "I'm so sorry," I said, coughing, my voice hoarse. I fumbled with the pack, trying to get the canteen out, but it was snagged on something so I gave up. I hunched. "I'm sorry. I can't do it anymore, Kade. Forgive me."

  I studied his face, watching his chest heave with each labored breath. He twitched and shifted, caught in fever dreams. I kissed his forehead, feeling so sad. We could have had something wonderful together. We could have changed the world. Our world.

  I buried my face in my hands but I didn't have the strength for more tears. I was so utterly spent. I lay down beside him, feeling numb. He muttered incoherently but I quieted him by stroking his hair. At least we would die together.

  Movement at the edge of my vision made me sit up.

  The wolf had returned.

  It watched me with those amber eyes. It was less than a hundred yards away, frozen in the act of slinking from tree to brush. I was sure it was the same wolf I'd seen before. It must have waded across the river after us.

  "Can't you just leave us alone?" My voice came out a weak whine. The stupid thing was like a vulture, following us, waiting for us to die. Honestly I couldn't even find the strength to be afraid anymore. I watched it creep a few steps closer, its eyes never leaving me, and I just didn't care anymore.

  Behind it, another wolf emerged from the trees, and another. They were patient, stalking, waiting. I fumbled inside the backpack, groping for something to throw. I found the pocketknife but I couldn't open the blade—I was too weak. I flung the object at them with what strength I had left but it fell far short.

  The lead wolf glanced over its shoulder at the others and one after another, the wolves ducked back into the forest until only he remained, watching me with what seemed almost wistfulness. It could only be hunger, of course, but as I stared into those fierce, golden eyes, I was strangely reminded of Devon. I thought for one crazy, unbelievable moment that the wolf was his reincarnation and that he had been watching over me and Kade. It was a crazy thought, one formed in delirium, certainly, and in later days I would seriously question my state of mind at the time, but that's what I thought right then.

  The wolf cocked its head, breaking the spell. It twitched its ears and then reluctantly turned around, pausing to gaze over its shoulder one last time at me before hurrying off at a ground-devouring lope I would have admired in another situation.

  Stunned, I stared at the empty forest, not really believing what had just happened.

  It was another few seconds before I heard what had scared the pack off.

  Human voices.

  I saw them then. Five people, hiking on the other side of the river.

  "Here," I called, though my voice came out a hiss.

  I crawled to the river and cupped water into my mouth.

  "Here!" I said, louder.

  I recognized Blaine, Gina, and Sadie across the river.

  "Ash!" Gina yelled.

  Thick hands were already hauling me upright. Momma Jeanne. Behind her, Rebecca and two men were attending to Kade. They must have taken this side of the river while Gina and the others had covered the opposite shore.

  My vision blurred as I said her name. "Momma Jeanne."

  She hugged me tight. "It's okay, darlin'. Everything's going to be okay now."

  "Kade. His leg."

  "We got this. Don't you be worrying now."

  Momma Jeanne hoisted me onto her back piggyback style and started marching north. I was vaguely aware of Kade being carried along beside me. Time passed in a blur. I fell in and out of sleep and ultimately awakened inside one of the Jeeps. In a sudden panic, I realized Kade wasn't there.

  "Where's—"

  "It's okay darlin'," Momma Jeanne said beside me. "Kade's in the other Jeep."

  I sat up long enough to see a second vehicle speeding along ahead of us.

  Gina was in the passenger seat in front of me. She looked back with concern, grabbing my hand. "Hold on, Ash."

  Exhausted, I lowered my head, glad that Kade was safe. I saw that I was wrapped in a blanket so I pulled it tight around myself. Momma Jeanne gave me some water and I fell back to sleep.

  When I awoke again I was at the center. A helicopter was here and they were loading me inside with Kade, who was still unconscious. I was on a stretcher now, too—a real-life medical stretcher, complete with retractable wheels.

  I held his hand while the paramedics worked and I answered their questions, allowing them to examine me. I felt so drowsy and just wanted to sleep again. I tried to stay awake as long as I could because I wanted to make sure Kade was okay, but I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew, we were on the rooftop of a hospital.

  The paramedics rushed Kade out of the helicopter before I had a chance to stop them.

  "Wait!" I tried to get up but one of the paramedics held me down.

  "Sweetie, he's going into the most capable hands we have. You have to take care of yourself now."

  "Where am I?"

  "You're at Vancouver General Hospital. One of the best hospitals in the world."

  I watched Kade vanish inside the double doors on the rooftop.

  The paramedics unloaded my stretcher and wheeled me toward the same double doors. We pushed through into a short corridor. There was an elevator at the end of the hall and the stretcher rolled inside. I listened to the soulless, metallic dings as the elevator went from floor to floor.

  "Is he your boyfriend?" the paramedic said finally, looking down at me, trying to soothe me with her voice.

  I don't know. A sob wracked my chest and the tears I'd fought against all this time welled up.

  The paramedic seemed concerned as she combed the hair from my face. "It's okay, sweetie."

  "He's my fiancé," I said finally.

  The paramedic smiled sadly, patting me on the shoulder. We emerged from the elevator and I was wheeled through another white corridor into an examination room. The paramedics transferred me from the stretcher to an examinat
ion bed.

  "The doctor will see you soon," the paramedic said, and then she was gone.

  I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew the emergency room doctor was giving me a quick once-over.

  "You're exhausted and dehydrated," he said. "But otherwise in perfectly good health, considering what you've been through. I'm going to book you for the night. Tomorrow you'll be free to go."

  "What about my friends?" I said.

  "Visiting hours are until ten-thirty. It's eight now, so your friends still have a couple of hours. You'll be able to see them once we assign you to a non-emergency ward."

  A nurse came in shortly after and wheeled me to a room in a different ward. Once there, she dabbed rubbing alcohol on the back of my hand and hooked me up to an IV tube. I flinched at the pain but it wasn't enough to stave off my drowsiness. I wanted to see my friends but I fell asleep before I could even ask the nurse to let me use a phone. My last thoughts were of Kade. I prayed he was all right.

  I woke up late the next morning and the attending nurse brought me a breakfast of eggs and cereal. I wolfed the food down so fast that the nurse brought me another tray. When I finished, I got up and wheeled the IV to the washroom. After relieving myself, I lay back on the bed because I felt really groggy.

  I forced myself to sit up, though, because I wanted to check on Kade, and I was about to buzz the nurse when a knock came at my door. I heard someone say "Thank you" and then Gina stepped in, rolling a luggage bag along behind her. She seemed on the verge of tears. I wasn't far off myself.

  "It's good to see you." She gave me a long hug. "I came yesterday but you were sleeping so soundly I didn't want to wake you. I would have stayed overnight but the nurses made me go back to the hotel."

  "It's okay, Gina," I said, patting her back.

  She pulled away and dabbed at her eyes. "We were so worried these past few days. Tell me, how's the hero?"

  I rubbed my forehead. "Been better. How's Kade?"

  Gina nodded, as if expecting the question. "The doctors reset his knee and the swelling's gone way down. He's still pretty drugged up, though. When I visited him this morning, he was out cold."

  "I want to see him."

  Gina squeezed my hand reassuringly. "For sure. And you will. I guess you guys are pretty close now after what happened."

  I nodded, not quite wanting to expand on "what happened" yet. I needed to see Kade first.

  Gina slid the luggage against the wall. "I brought your clothes. Figured you'd want to change after you were discharged."

  "Thanks, Gina." She meant well, but really all I cared about right now was seeing Kade.

  Another knock came at the open door and a nurse entered. She looked at Gina. "Hello. Would you mind giving us a few moments? I need to check her vitals and take out the IV."

  Gina nodded. "Of course." She glanced at me and said, "I'll be waiting for you in the hall."

  When the nurse was done, I had her ring the front desk for Kade's room number. "Your friend is fine but he's not awake. You might as well shower and get changed so we can free up the room."

  I was about to protest but I realized she was right.

  Though the bathroom only had one of those tub/showerhead combinations, I didn't think I'd ever had a better shower in my life. I cranked the heat up, letting steam fill the room, and lathered and conditioned my hair twice before scrubbing myself all over. I let the spray run up and down my spine. My hair flowed over my ears and blocked out the outside world so that I heard the drizzle of the shower inside my head. It sounded a little like the rain on the outside of the tent that night Kade and I had made love. I touched myself, remembering his kiss and the feel of him inside me.

  I felt a world of difference after stepping out of the shower. Amazing what twelve hours of sleep, eating enough for two people, and taking a long hot shower could do for you.

  Gina came in while I was dressing and she helped me untangle my matted hair. I told the attendant I was done with the room and then Gina and I hurried over to Kade's ward. Gina insisted on wheeling my luggage for me the whole time. I saw a sign that indicated cellphone use was prohibited in the hospital, which explained why Gina didn't have her phone out.

  I told the ward attendant we were there to see Kade and she pointed out his room.

  I paused at the door. Memories of another hospital visit surfaced starkly in my mind: Devon wrapped up in bandages, with burns covering eighty percent of his body.

  What would I find here? Was Kade really all right?

  I didn't want to go in. I was afraid.

  But I had to.

  I felt so relieved when I saw his face. He only had a small bandage on his head. Slowly breathing in and out, he looked so peaceful lying there on the hospital bed. The EKG monitored his heartbeat and he had an IV tube just like the one I had had embedded in the top of his hand.

  I wrapped my fingers around his palm. "Kade."

  He was wearing a light blue patient gown, and his injured leg was elevated in a sling. The swelling had gone way down. The falcon tattoo peered out from the top of the gown and I almost felt like Kade himself was looking at me through the eye on his Adam's apple.

  I entwined my fingers through his. The letters of his name, tattooed on each finger, rested in my grasp.

  I saw Gina staring at me but she wasn't smiling or smirking or anything. Her expression was thoughtful more than anything else.

  That was when I realized the significance of the bandage on Kade's head. "Why isn't he awake?" I felt a surge of panic. "He only twisted his knee, didn't he? Didn't he?"

  Gina frowned. "He also has a slight concussion."

  I felt my world coming apart and my eyes became blurry. "What?" I couldn't make out his features anymore. "How can that be? I checked him. He only had a small lump. I asked him questions. We talked. This is my fault. All of it."

  "Ash, he'll be fine. Stop panicking." She gave me a tight hug. "When I said slight concussion, I meant it. He was talking with the nurses. He's coherent. The only reason he's not awake is because they have him doped up with painkillers. Resetting his knee aggravated already torn ligaments. He'll probably be out for the rest of the day. Now please, calm down."

  "Okay." She was right, I had to stop panicking. "Okay."

  Gina looked me in the eye and when she was satisfied that I was all right, or at least wouldn't cry, she said, "So. When are you going to tell me what happened?"

  I swallowed. "Well, after Kade fished me out of the river, we started walking back. We were beside a ravine, and stupid me, I decided to go right to the edge. The ground collapsed but Kade saved me. He fell in my place." A tear dribbled down my cheek. I turned around, needing something to do. Something to distract myself. "Where are his charts? I want to see his charts." I probably wouldn't be able to read them, but still... "I'm going to ask the nurse—"

  Gina grabbed my arm. "Ash. How many times do I have to say it? Kade's going to be fine. He just needs time to recuperate. I don't think you should be here, not in your state. Come on, let's go outside for some fresh air."

  Against my will, I let Gina lead me out. I wanted to stay by Kade's bedside, make sure he was well. We'd made love. He'd said he loved me, wanted to marry me.

  We took the elevator down and went outside.

  "I don't know what to do," I said, looking down at my hands. I was trying to remember Kade's touch but already it was fading.

  Gina didn't understand that I was talking about Kade because after a long pause she said, "Well, you have a couple of options. Your folks are frantic and insist you come home immediately. If you decide to go, everyone at the conservation center will understand. They feel awful about what happened. Especially Blaine. And Momma Jeanne has been beside herself with worry. But they already said they wouldn't hold it against you if you wanted to leave and never come back to British Columbia."

  "What?" I couldn't believe it. "Why would I want to go home? Rebecca and the others aren't going to make me, are they?
"

  "Of course not!" Gina hugged me. "They'd love it if you stayed. But you do have to call your folks and tell them your decision."

  "I'm surprised they didn't try to fly up here and pick me up themselves."

  "Oh, they wanted to. You can be darn sure about that. I called them yesterday and told them what happened. It took all my convincing to keep them from coming here to get you. But your mom wants you to call as soon as you're able. She won't be happy when you tell her you're staying."

  "I don't care if she's happy or not." I set my jaw and tilted my chin up. "I'm not doing this for them. I came out here for me. And I'll call them when I'm good and ready. Maybe tomorrow."

  "Great. And I agree." Gina had her phone out now, since this wasn't a cellphone-prohibited zone, and she was texting. "I told them to expect your call tomorrow. So. Don's waiting to take us back. You just need to finish the hospital release paperwork." Gina sensed my hesitation and she took my hand, squeezing lightly. "They've got Kade on round-the-clock observation. We'll just get in the way. Besides, he'll be drugged up for the next few days. You've studied morphine in school. You know what it does."

  "I do. Which is exactly why I have to stay."

  "What, you'll sleep in his room on the guest chair all day? Don't be ridiculous. They'll give us a call as soon as he's awake and then you can talk to him."

  I crossed my arms stubbornly. "No. I want to stay in town. I want to be close. I'll get a hotel."

  "I never thought I'd be the one arguing to go on a plane, but here I am. Listen, the best thing for us right now is to get back to the center."

  "Why, so you can be close to Blaine?"

  Gina sighed. "Ash, this isn't about Blaine. We need to be surrounded by friends right now, and we need something to do to keep ourselves occupied. Especially you. Don's going to be staying out at the center so he can fly you back as soon as Kade's ready to receive visitors. Don would be happy to bring you. Momma Jeanne and Rebecca will probably go along as well."

  I nodded slowly but my mind was drifting away. I wondered if what happened between me and Kade was real. He might not have been himself because of the concussion. He could have been delusional. There was also the possibility he had been completely normal through it all and was just playing me. I'd be completely broken inside if that were true.