Hopeless For You

by Hill, Hayden

  Eventually, I gave in to Gina's prodding and agreed to return to the center. I knew I should have stayed but I was afraid. It was far easier to run away and hide than to stay and confront the cold, hard truth, whatever it turned out to be. Maybe he loved me, maybe he didn't—I was equally scared of either outcome and Gina just made it easier to run.

  As usual, I held Gina's hand on the plane ride, feeling her nails dig in with each wave of turbulence. Flying up there, high above the world, I felt grateful to have a friend like her. She'd stuck with me through it all. She'd been there through Devon's accident, the funeral, and helped me scrape together the pieces of my life. She'd searched for me when Kade and I were swept away by the river. She'd faced her worst fear, flying alone to Vancouver to make sure I was okay and to support me in whatever decision I decided to make.

  I felt truly loved. Everyone needed a friend like her.

  I gave her a kiss on the cheek.

  She glanced at me uncertainly. "What was that for?"

  "Everything."

  The atmosphere was subdued in the common room of the bigger dorm house. I was the center of attention, of course, and felt a little overwhelmed by the outpouring of concern from the staff members.

  Momma Jeanne swept me up in a massive hug that lifted me off my feet. "I'm so glad you're back," she said. "Thank you for keeping him safe." Her voice was sharp with unshed tears. When she pulled away, she was beaming, though the slight shine in her eyes betrayed her true feelings.

  Momma Jeanne pushed me into a chair and retreated to the safety of the kitchen.

  Dinner was loud, full of overly bright laughter as people tried to ignore the empty chair Kade should have been sitting in. I wanted to keep to myself but the others kept me talking, wanting to hear all about what had happened. I focused on what we'd done during the days, and I glossed over the nights. I did my best to hold back the tears when I told them about how Kade had sacrificed himself to save me at the ravine. Gina watched me carefully the whole time and I could tell she knew I was holding back from the way she furrowed her brows during certain parts of the story.

  I felt guilty that I hadn't told her about Kade yet. It wasn't like I was avoiding spilling my guts to her, it was just that I wasn't sure what kind of relationship Kade and I had or if we even had a relationship. Though I was still desperately scared for him, the longer I went without seeing him, the more uncertain I became over what had happened. Sure, he might not have been himself but I couldn't forget the discomfort of our early encounters, the playboy stories, the smirks. Was I just one more conquest, another notch on his belt?

  I wondered if my own feelings had been skewed by the exhaustion and the emotional strain. Maybe it had been a fling for me, too. Maybe we'd only had sex out of some twisted need for comfort. Maybe he'd used me and I'd been too exhausted to notice or care. Were we really so desperate for contact? Two lost people longing for some sort of connection, any connection? We'd been emotionally alone for so long, victims of bad luck and circumstance, left bereaved or abandoned by our exes. It was entirely possible.

  I couldn't quite believe those ugly thoughts, but they were persistent, repeating again and again in my head, and killed my appetite. I forced myself to finish dinner but when fresh apple pie arrived for dessert, I declined, slipping away with some lame excuse about going to the bathroom.

  I retreated to the porch and stopped short when I saw Blaine leaning against the rail, the glow of a smoldering cigarette between his fingertips.

  He saw me before I could duck away.

  I said the first thing that came to my mind. "I didn't know you smoked."

  He shrugged, taking a long drag. The smoke lazily curled into the night. "I quit the summer I started here, just like Kade. When he picked it back up in the winter, I didn't. He always tucks cigarettes into my backpack at the beginning of each summer in case I change my mind, though. He's gotten pretty good at hiding them. Normally I just toss them when I find them. I found this one last night, rolled up in a pair of my socks. I didn't really want to start again but after the stress from the last few days, well, I couldn't help it." He shook his head, giving a small laugh of disbelief. "My socks. How the hell did he get into my socks? The sneaky bastard."

  I leaned against the railing next to him. He offered me a drag but I refused. I'd only smoked once in high school and almost threw up. Not even the temptation of stress relief at this point was enough to make me try it again. "You guys are really close?"

  "Yeah." He stubbed the cigarette out on the hard wooden railing, forming a dark scar next to a handful of similar scars I guessed were from Kade. "I mean, he's my best friend but sometimes it feels like I barely know him. It's the strangest thing. One second, he'll be all outgoing and personable and the next, he'll just clam right up on you."

  I thought I knew exactly what he was talking about.

  The door creaked open and we both looked back at the same time. Blaine seemed to stiffen when he saw who it was.

  Gina paused awkwardly in the doorway. "Everyone's wondering where you two are."

  I slumped against the railing. "I don't really feel like going back in there and facing everyone. Not tonight."

  "I'll tell them you decided to hit the sack," Blaine said. "Night, Ash. Gina." He gave Gina a curt nod as he passed and then shut the door behind him.

  Gina took Blaine's place beside me. I immediately leaned my head on her shoulder. "Love you, Gina. You're the only one who's been here for me through it all."

  She kissed my forehead. "Love you too, Ash. You're the sister I never had."

  "Thanks." I smiled weakly. "I'm not looking forward to calling my folks tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to tell them."

  "Just say what's in your heart."

  I sighed. My heart.

  Gina pulled away from me. "What's wrong, baby?"

  "Nothing. I'm just tired, worn out from all the attention. I don't think I've had so many people trying to talk to me at once since the funeral."

  Gina's face dropped and she wrapped me in a hug. "You poor thing."

  I almost laughed then, I'm not sure why. I think it was because the memory of trudging through the forest, pulling Kade along behind me, was still fresh in my mind, and here I was complaining about having to talk to too many people. Human beings were such silly creatures.

  Gina gently prodded me from the rail. "Come on, let's go to our room. We can talk, paint our nails or do whatever you want to do."

  We made our way to the small room we shared. It seemed like a lifetime since I'd been there. I couldn't even count the days—they all just blurred together. The nights were clearer— one in particular, but even that one I doubted.

  I changed into my pajamas, trying to forget the emotional trauma, trying to ignore the mental and physical exhaustion I felt.

  When Gina pulled off her socks, I couldn't hold back a soft laugh. Her toes were painted a perfect pink.

  "I don't know how you do it," I said. "You're always ready to go—toenails painted, hands manicured, legs shaved, hair perfectly straight. It all seems like so much work." I smothered a yawn as I sat on the narrow bed. I pulled my pillow into my lap and wrapped my arms around it.

  Gina shrugged, running a brush through her long, blonde hair. "It is work. But it's also stress relief. Sort of like meditation but I get something pretty out of the deal." She paused and her eyes locked with mine in the mirror. "When are you going to tell me what really happened?"

  I grimaced slightly and then took a deep breath. "Well." Suddenly my hands became the most interesting objects in the world, specifically my fingernails, and I busied myself picking at each one. "We had sex." I waited for Gina to gasp in shock, or to swear, or even laugh, but she didn't make a sound. I looked up. She'd calmly replaced her brush.

  I crossed my arms. "You knew."

  "Yeah." Gina smiled mischievously. "I've gotten pretty good at reading people, especially my best friend. So you finally had sex with someone else. I'm proud of you."r />
  I rested my chin in my palm dreamily. "He's not just anyone, Gina. We had sex but that doesn't really describe it. I mean, we made love, if you can stand the sappy description. It felt... special. He made me feel beautiful. He called me gorgeous and his eyes, Gina, his eyes were so sincere. I could lose myself in those eyes, I swear to God." My lower lip was doing its strange trembling thing again and I promised myself I wouldn't cry. I'd cried enough. But he was in the hospital with a concussion and a mending leg, and I wasn't sure when I'd talk to him again. Holding in the tears wasn't going to be easy.

  "You okay?" Gina started to get up but I waved her down.

  "Yup." I bit back the tears. "I thought we had something special but now I just don't know. When he's not right next to me, I don't feel grounded or confident at all. I keep second-guessing everything I feel and everything he said. Was it real? Or was it just an act of desperation? Two stranded souls fucking their brains out to forget their problems?" I buried my face in the pillow. Feelings sucked.

  The mattress creaked as Gina slid onto the bed beside me. She gave me a hug.

  "You're the smartest, hardest working person I know, Ash. You and him will figure it out and if you're wrong, it's okay. You'll keep your chin up and move on just like you always have. You're strong Ash, stronger than you'll ever realize."

  "Why do people keep calling me that?" I said. "I'm not strong. I'm one of the weakest people I know."

  Gina held me by both shoulders and gazed at me sternly. "Look, baby, you didn't drag Kade miles through the forest while hounded by wolves because you're weak. That's bullshit."

  "Well maybe there are different kinds of weak. Maybe I'm strong in body but weak in mind. Weak, emotionally. Because right now all I want to do is go back to sitting in a classroom. I want to hide at the very back, far away from the real world. I want to be invisible again. But I can't. What Kade and I had won't let me go back to the way things were. I think I'd go crazy if I tried. And if we had nothing..." My voice was becoming high-pitched and sounded almost panicky. "I betrayed Devon."

  Gina tweaked a strand of my hair. "You didn't betray him. You're living your life and that's what Devon would have wanted. You have to relax, baby. It's not over yet. Sleep on it. You'll feel better in the morning. There's nothing you can do about Kade right now so don't worry yourself sick about him, and stop wondering where things stand between the two of you. Tomorrow you'll get in touch with your folks, tell them you're staying in British Columbia, then we'll call the hospital and check if Kade is awake yet. We'll take things from there."

  "Okay." I fluffed my pillow and then threw it at the headboard with a bit more force than necessary.

  Gina smiled fondly and moved back to her own bed. I was glad I told her everything. I really did feel better for it.

  I sank back onto the soft, clean-smelling sheets, not realizing how much I'd missed a real bed until now. The wilderness was a wonderful, beautiful place, but there was something to be said about lying on a warm mattress for a change instead of the cold, hard ground.

  The room felt a bit stuffy. "Do you mind if I open the window?"

  "Not at all," Gina murmured.

  I did so, and the sounds and smell of the British Columbian nights swept over me. It no longer seemed cool outside. I guess I was getting used to the colder temperatures, or maybe the air was just getting warmer. I started to drift off.

  Gina's voice cut through the dark and woke me up. "I slept with Blaine."

  I sat up. "What?"

  "Yeah. On the second night we were out there. You remember when he and I slipped away to look at the stars?"

  My eyes widened. "Gosh."

  "Yeah. And we actually made out on the first day. I bet you were wondering why it took so long for us to come back when the two of us went looking for a crossing."

  "Holy... I had no idea."

  "Yeah." Gina sounded sad.

  "What are you going to do?"

  She sighed loudly. "I don't know. Nothing? Everything? He's been avoiding me. You saw how he excused himself tonight when I found you two on the balcony."

  "I thought that was a bit strange... why would he avoid you?"

  "I don't know. Maybe he doesn't want anyone to find out."

  "That makes the most sense," I said. There was something else that was bothering me, though, and I wasn't sure how to approach the topic. Finally I just said, "Did you tell him?"

  Gina didn't answer right away. "No. So it's not that that sent him running."

  Gina couldn't have children.

  "When are you going to let him know?" I said.

  "Never? Next time we screw?"

  I shut my eyes. "Wow. I guess I'm not the only one whose love life is a complete mess."

  "Believe me, Ash, my love life has been a mess since my very first date."

  I lay in bed, my thoughts swirling. Gina had slept with Blaine. I almost couldn't believe it. Strangely, it made me feel a little better. I wondered how things would end up between the two of them and between me and Kade. For a moment I imagined all four of us happy together, an extended family of best friends. Gina and Blaine would come over and hang out with me and Kade every day. We'd get married together. Gina would find a way to have kids, and we'd plan our baby showers together and walk our children to school together.

  Yeah, right. Maybe in a fantasy world.

  I dreamed that I sat on the cliff again with Kade. The ocean was spread before us and we watched the setting sun. The falcons swooped by, locked in that incredible dance of courtship.

  The birds did one last somersault and then broke apart. Feeling sad that their dance was at an end, I looked over at Kade but he was no longer beside me.

  He was falling. The crashing waves raced up to engulf him. He reached toward me, his face full of fear and pain but I couldn't catch him.

  It was too late.

  * * *

  "No, I'm not coming home until August," I repeated for the fifth time, rubbing my forehead with one hand while I held the phone to my ear with the other. I'd already been talking to my folks for almost forty-five minutes and I was getting nowhere. They kept insisting that I come home, using everything in their persuasive arsenal—from threats of cutting off my tuition payments to histrionics involving waterworks and we-love-yous. I almost wished I'd dialed long distance rather than collect so I'd have an excuse to hang up.

  I tuned out as Mom began another round of "We love you and want what's best for you." I stared at the empty chair where Rebecca had been working on an e-mail behind the reception desk. I resisted the urge to read whatever message she was writing—I owed her that much for giving me some privacy.

  "Sweetie, we know you're still distraught over Devon's death and we just don't think it's safe for you to be in such a dangerous—"

  "Stop, just stop right there." I scraped my hand back through my hair and sat in Rebecca's chair. "Don't try to drag Devon into this. He has nothing to do with any of it. Look, I'm an adult, as hard as that might be for you to believe. I'm capable of looking after myself. You may not think it right now but this experience has been good for me, despite everything that's happened. I'm not fixing to leave and that's final. Y'all can cut off my tuition, disown me, do whatever you have to do, but I'm staying."

  I didn't want to leave and not just because I needed to make sure Kade was all right. It had become more than that. I was going to complete this internship if it killed me. I'd awakened early this morning and had caught up with Momma Jeanne and Rebecca over coffee. We'd talked about the disastrous field outing and I told them my ideas to prevent similar mishaps from happening in the future. Both of them were enthusiastic about more than a few of my ideas and I realized that even if Kade were absent for the rest of the summer, there was no way I would quit early. I had a job to do.

  After another five minutes, I finally hung up, promising my folks I'd keep them updated through e-mails or phone calls every other day or so. My mother had insisted on every day but when I flat out refuse
d, we managed to come to the 'every other day' compromise.

  Taking a deep breath, I stood and stretched. Ducking out of the reception area, I noticed Rebecca at a desk in one of the small offices and waved.

  "Good talk?" Rebecca asked.

  I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess." I managed a slight laugh. "My folks are being a bit overprotective but that's normal. Would you mind if I made another call? I... I want to check on Kade."

  Rebecca nodded. "Of course. We're all waiting to hear from him. Momma Jeanne already called this morning and he wasn't awake then but it can't hurt to check again."

  I returned to the reception area, glad that Rebecca was staying in the little office. I pulled out the crumpled piece of paper with the hospital ward's phone number written on it and dialed. I thought the phone would ring forever but finally, reception answered.

  "I'm looking for a patient in your ward, Kade Gyllenhahl. I was wondering if I could talk to him. If he's awake, that is." I barely managed to get the words out, feeling my gut twist in anxiety.

  "Kade Gyllenhahl? What's your relation?"

  "Just... just a friend," I said, feeling a blush creep into my cheeks.

  The nurse was quiet for a moment and I wondered if that was enough of a reason to get through to his room.

  Finally the nurse's voice came back on. "He's awake. I'll go ahead and patch you through."

  My heart beat frantically as the phone rang. Three rings. My mouth felt dry and I wasn't sure what I was going to say. Four rings. I almost hoped he wouldn't answer so I'd be spared this torture. Five rings.

  I was about to hang up when the phone finally clicked.

  "Fucking phone," Kade said. "Hello?"

  My voice caught for a second.

  "Hello?" He said again.

  I knew if I waited any longer he'd hang up. "Kade," I finally managed.