Hopeless For You

by Hill, Hayden

  "I— I don't know."

  "If there was anything between the two of you, you owe it to yourself to try again. Hell, would you really be able to live with yourself if you let her get away without even trying? Don't piss away this chance, Kade. I remember how miserable you were last winter."

  I didn't reply, letting the silence grow so uncomfortable that Blaine finally tsked aloud and turned on the radio. The National's "I Need My Girl" was playing. How appropriate. I almost changed the station but I forced myself to listen to those lyrics, forced myself to tear my heart out. I deserved this for letting her go.

  Blaine finally arrived at our apartment building and shut off the radio. Neither of us broke the contemplative silence that followed.

  Throughout the summer we kept the apartment rented in our name because it was hard to find a good place at a decent price in Vancouver. We usually sublet our place to a friend of mine from the bar but he was backpacking across Europe this year. We'd decided to take the hit rather than rent it out to some deadbeat. The fact that the three-story building didn't have an elevator never bothered me before. Unfortunately, our apartment was on the third floor—when you had a pair of crutches, three flights of stairs might as well be an eternity.

  I conceded to letting Blaine help me up the stairs. It was a slow, agonizing process, and I was completely wiped by the time we reached our floor. I leaned against the wall while Blaine fumbled for the key, then I staggered inside using the crutch-walk I'd learned.

  My room was in as much of a mess as I'd left it, with a blanket kicked to the bottom of the bed, the clothes I'd worn the day before leaving scattered on the carpet, a box of cigarettes on the nightstand.

  It smelled a little musty in there so I made my way to the window and shoved it open.

  "Here." Blaine stood in the doorway. Apparently he'd already gone back to the Jeep to fetch my old, beaten backpack. It was still spattered with mud in places from my adventure in the woods. He came in and set it down at the foot of my bed. "Chuck your dirty clothes by the door and I'll run a load of laundry. I'm only here for tonight so take advantage of my maid service while you can."

  "Thanks, Mom," I drawled, though I admit I was grateful. I wasn't sure what I'd do when he was gone. Navigating the stairs on my own to buy groceries and visit the therapy sessions was going to be a bitch.

  I sat down on the edge of the bed and hauled the backpack up. It felt heavier than I remembered. Holy atrophy, batman, had I really lost so much muscle? Straining, I dropped the backpack onto the sheets beside me.

  I opened the bag. The rough carving I'd started while stranded in the woods with Ash was on top, and beside it lay my pocketknife. I was wondering where those had gone. The carving didn't look like much right now but I could still see the shape in the wood I'd been trying to bring out.

  There was a sharp buzz on the intercom just then and I heard Blaine beep someone in. I grabbed my crutches and hoisted myself back up, muttering a profanity under my breath as the things chafed my armpits.

  "Who's that?" I asked Blaine when I reached the hall. I was worried for a second that it might be my mom or my dad. Not that they'd ever come here.

  Blaine glanced over his shoulder. He had a sneaky look in his eyes. "Your babysitter."

  A knock echoed in the hall and Blaine opened the door, ushering someone inside.

  I met a pair of green eyes all too similar to my own and my mood darkened.

  "No way in hell," I snapped.

  "Nice to see you too, Kade." It was the slightly taller, slimmer version of me—my younger brother Jed. The clean-cut kid my parents loved. "I'm looking forward to taking care of you for the next five weeks."

  I stared at Blaine accusingly. "This is your idea, isn't it? Why the hell would you ask him to do this?"

  Blaine crossed his arms. "Because you'd never ask him."

  "Great, just what I need," I said. "Blaine and my golden fucking brother swooping in to save the day. Forget it. Just forget it. I am not letting my little brother take care of me. Jed, I love working out with you in the winter and all that but having you treat me like a cripple, like Mom and Dad basically do already? No thanks."

  I ignored Blaine's brutal glare, ducked back into my room and slammed the door behind me. It was humiliating enough for Blaine to see me this way, but Jed, too? The perfect brother? Forget it.

  Through the thin walls, I could hear their voices but I couldn't make out the actual words. I sat down heavily on the end of the bed and ripped into my backpack, angrily chucking the dirty clothes at the door. Blaine wanted to do my laundry, did he? I tore the comforter off my bed, then the top sheet and tossed those at the door, too.

  I didn't want my family coming back into my life. I was fine. I didn't need their help or anyone else's. Just like I hadn't needed Ash's help out there in the woods.

  Ash.

  I saw her in my mind and I felt suddenly lost and heartbroken. I was lying to myself, of course. I had needed her help out there. I just didn't like relying on other people. I downright hated it.

  I thought about the last time me and Ash had spoken. I'd been so damn cold to her. I told myself it was for the better. I knew it wouldn't take long for her to grow disillusioned with me, anyway, so I just made it happen a little sooner. Besides, I didn't want to risk losing my job over her. And I didn't want her to lose the internship.

  At least that was what I told myself.

  Shit.

  I grabbed the wooden carving. I studied the piece carefully, envisioning what I'd wanted, and then fetched my backup kit of woodworking tools from the desk. Up until this moment I was never sure why I'd kept that kit here because I never did any woodworking at the apartment.

  That was about to change.

  I reverently unrolled the kit and studied each tool. I wanted this work to be so detailed and demanding that I wouldn't be able to think about anything else. I wanted to work until my hands ached and I absolutely had to set the thing down.

  Blaine knocked on my door a few hours later to deliver the pizza he'd ordered but I told him to go away. I worked on, late into the night, and eventually I realized this wasn't something I'd finish in an evening. No, it would take many more sessions. When I was too tired to go on I just dropped down on my bed. I didn't bother to go under the covers—too much work. I lay on top, fully dressed.

  I glanced down at my leg brace, trying to comprehend the new reality I'd be experiencing for the next month or so. I had to wear the thing at all times, even in bed, which made it impossible for me to sleep on my left or right side. Lying flat for eight hours straight always caused my lower back to ache and I knew I'd wake up sore in the morning.

  Welcome to your new world, Kade.

  Sure enough, when I got up the next morning, my lower back positively ached. Blaine left early that day, dropping a basket of clean clothes and a carton of cigarettes inside my door before nodding a vague goodbye, clearly irritated with me for refusing to get along with my brother. I didn't really care. I'd struck out on my own, leaving home at seventeen, whereas Jed was still living life as a pampered and sheltered eighteen year old. He was the boy Mom and Dad loved and wanted, not me.

  They could have him.

  I could feel Jed's eyes on me whenever I left the room to crutch-walk to the washroom or grab a snack. It made me feel so humiliated. When he was home, he was usually jamming in the living room with the members of his indie rock band, and pretended to ignore me. I acted like I hated the music, and a couple of times I threatened to kick them out, but to be honest he had a pretty good singing voice, and the songs were decent. Too bad he'd never take up music full time. Too scared of disappointing Mommy and Daddy. This was probably the most he'd practiced with his band in months.

  I was grateful for the carton of cigarettes Blaine had brought because I smoked like there was no tomorrow. I often sat by the open window in my room, smoking, staring at the city, listening to Jed's band if they were home. My eyes followed joggers and cyclists with l
onging. I felt like some paralyzed old man trapped in my apartment.

  By the third morning, I finally couldn't take it. Blaine had done some kind of grocery shopping before he'd flown back to the center but he'd pretty much gotten only bread, peanut butter and milk. I was sick to death of eating peanut butter sandwiches all day.

  I thumped to the main room, looking for the keys to the Jeep, but then I remembered Blaine had the thing parked in long-term at the airport. Ah, well, I'd just ride the bus.

  "Where are you going?" Jed was alone today, and he was writing something on the couch. Song lyrics, I guessed. He had a pair of glasses perched on the end of his nose. I'd never seen him wear glasses before.

  "To the convenience store, if that's all right with you." I opened the front door. "Blaine can't shop for shit."

  "How do you plan on getting down the stairs?" There was a condescending edge to the question that grated on my nerves.

  "Slowly." I closed the door behind me and limped down the hall in my crutches.

  Getting to the stairs themselves wasn't a problem, but trying to climb down them was. Seriously, that steep descent was intimidating. I'd barely mastered getting around on flat ground with crutches. I wasn't ready for stairs.

  Ah, shit.

  I needed the exercise, anyway.

  There was a mosquito buzzing around the stairwell and I wanted to go before the damn thing bit me. I hunched my shoulders, placing my crutches onto the first step below, and, holding my breath, I swung a foot forward.

  Almost immediately, I knew I'd made a very big mistake.

  I lost my balance and started to keel over.

  Strong hands caught me, scaring the shit out of me and pulling me back to the head of the stairs. The hands didn't let go until I got my balance again.

  Jed stood next to me.

  "Jesus, Jed," I said. "You scared me."

  "No, Kade, you scared me. So have you had your fun? Or would you like to try something else just as stupid, like jumping out the window?"

  I sighed. "Yeah. That was pretty dumb, wasn't it?"

  Jed smiled. "Look, I know you're not happy I'm here. You were always the independent one, wanting to show the world you didn't need anyone else. But let's face it—you can't make it alone now, and you probably won't be able to for a while. As soon as you're off those crutches, I promise you I'm gone."

  It was my turn to smile. "Naw. It's all right. I've been an ass. You're right, I'm pretty crazy about my independence. It's like I've always got something to prove. But you're welcome here, Jed. Always have been. I guess I have to rely on other people from time to time." It was hard saying that but it was true.

  Jed painstakingly helped me down the stairs. We hopped into his beat-up car and drove to the grocery store, fitting in some badly needed brother-to-brother bonding.

  Jed had the summer off from classes so the next day he went to his day job at some fast food joint. He returned in the evening with his band mates, bringing me a burger and fries, which I gulped down like a starving wolf.

  And so the days passed. I mostly stayed at home, feeling sore and hungry. I did one-arm pull-ups with the doorframe chin-up bar I'd installed, and one-arm push-ups on the floor. I religiously followed the leg extension exercises the therapist had showed me. I listened to music, watched TV, browsed the internet. I became a NetFlix junkie. I played Call of Duty on Xbox.

  Three times a week, Jed helped me attend physical therapy sessions in the evenings. The sessions were aimed at strengthening the muscles and ligaments supporting my knee. After each session, I was able to flex my leg a little farther. I was slowly healing. Physically, at least.

  Now, if only my emotional damage would heal.

  I kept hoping Ash would get in touch with me but she never did. I constantly checked for texts and e-mails on my phone. I exchanged messages and pictures with almost everyone at work except the one person I wanted to hear from most. I was never really a Facebook dude but I checked it every day now, looking for any pictures from the center's fan page that might have Ash in them, and hoping to see a friend request from her or even Gina. All this was my fault, I knew, because I'd blown her off. I wanted to fix things but I didn't know how. I kept telling myself that it was better this way, and I actually believed it. So I didn't do anything. Didn't even try.

  Instead I tried to forget her.

  But it didn't work. She was always there at the back of my mind, ready to burst to the forefront. That breathtaking face, those perfect, haunted blue eyes I always lost myself in. Sometimes I wished I could go back in time to that night we shared in the tent and just stay there and relive the moment forever. That's what I thought heaven was—being able to relive the best moment of your life again and again.

  Whenever I could summon the energy and focus, I worked on the wood carving. It was going to be my greatest work. I wanted it to be perfect. Needed it to be perfect. Some days I'd only make a few little nicks here and there. Other days I'd spend the whole afternoon on it, shaping entire sections. Like Michelangelo I saw the angel in the wood and planned to carve until I set it free.

  One evening when I was making supper, I heard my brother on the phone outside the balcony. I didn't pay much attention to his conversation, intent as I was on shoveling leftover spaghetti into a bowl and microwaving it. When the spaghetti was heated, I sat at the table, eager to eat. My brother's conversation floated in on the breeze and I found myself listening in without really meaning to.

  "Look, Mom, I'm not going to. It's not my job to police his habits. He can smoke and drink all day, as far as I'm concerned. Besides, it's not interfering with his healing, so let him, I say."

  I sighed. I'd never live up to their expectations, never be the son they wanted me to be.

  "Yeah, I should be home in a few weeks. Say hi to Dad for me... uh, no. If you want to know, you can ask him yourself."

  Jed hung up the phone and came in off the balcony.

  "Trouble in paradise?" I poked at my spaghetti, not feeling very hungry anymore. A mosquito landed on my arm and I swatted it.

  Jed flopped on the couch and tossed his phone onto the coffee table. "She's trying parenting by proxy tonight. 'Kade will listen to you,' she says. Well, no, Ma, actually, he won't. He's not going to quit smoking just because I tell him to."

  I laughed. "You know, it's not really her fault." I set aside my fork. "I sorta pushed them away."

  Jed stared at me like he didn't recognize me. "I never expected to hear that from you."

  "I've had a lot of time to think lately and I've learned a few things about myself. After Sarah's pregnancy, I guess I never really felt good enough to be their son, at least compared to you. So I pushed them away. I do that to a lot of people, unfortunately. Good people. Even you." I stared at my fork. "Thanks, Jed. For teaching me I can't go through life alone. That I have to stop pushing people away and actually have to rely on them now and then. But most of all, thanks for teaching me that I am good enough."

  Finally, the day came when the therapist pronounced me fit to remove the brace. I was ecstatic. I'd known I was getting stronger and I rarely felt any pain these days when doing the rehabilitation exercises. The physical therapist had been saying for weeks that I was coming along faster than expected and now I was being rewarded for my dedication.

  I texted Blaine the good news and he showed up a few days later to pick me up, just in time to watch me give Jed a crutch-free hug before he left for good.

  "Thanks for everything, Jed," I said.

  "You, too, Kade. I'll keep in touch."

  "You better."

  I watched Jed vanish down the hall.

  Blaine was giving me a weird look.

  "What?" I said.

  "Nothing. I guess I never expected that you and your brother would end up getting along."

  I shrugged. "He's a good kid. Better than me."

  I already had my bags packed and Blaine helped me bring them down. We loaded them into the Jeep. Me and him were supposed to h
ave lunch at our favorite Gastown burger joint but it took me a moment to realize he was driving directly toward the airport. I didn't say anything. I guessed Don was in a hurry to return or something. There was plenty of fast food to be had at the terminal, anyway.

  "Glad to be heading back?" Blaine said on the way. He was driving far faster than he usually did, swerving between traffic like a madman.

  "Obviously. But what's the rush?"

  He didn't answer.

  I lay against the headrest, staring up into the sky. I felt the G-forces as Blaine took a corkscrew turnoff at breakneck speed. "Jesus Blaine, slow down."

  We came out of the turnoff and Blaine stopped at a traffic light.

  "I can't believe it's already the tenth of August," I said. "I missed most of the summer." I was still staring at the sky and noted it was almost the same blue as Ash's eyes except it lacked her fire and intensity. I'd never be able to look at the sky the same way because of her. "I have no idea what I'm going to say to Ash when I see her."

  "Maybe tell her how you feel?"

  I just nodded, scrubbing a hand over my face. That was the advice dudes always got from romance movies. And it was terrible advice. Well, terrible advice before sex that is. After sex you could tell girls how you felt. At least, under normal circumstances you could. It had been almost five weeks since I'd last seen her and I wasn't sure if I was in the after-sex zone or what anymore.

  "It's been eating me alive," I said. "Every time I look at the sky or see the mountains in the distance, I remember her and our time together. Sometimes I think I see her jogging in the street below or shopping at the supermarket, but it's just some random girl with the same height and hair. I fall asleep thinking about her. I wake up wishing she was in my arms."

  Blaine shot me a quick glance, slamming down on the accelerator as the light changed. "Never thought I'd see the day. Kade Gyllenhahl, man-whore of the year, in love."

  I didn't deny it.

  We pulled into the airport. Instead of turning into the parking lot so we could drop off the Jeep and meet Don, Blaine kept on driving toward the main terminal. He took the ramp that led to level three. Departures.