Hopeless For You

by Hill, Hayden

  "What are you doing?" I said.

  "Fixing your life." He pulled up in front of the United States Departures entrance.

  I glanced at him. "What the hell?"

  Blaine sighed. "Don dropped them off when I got here. You have thirty minutes before their plane leaves. They're probably already boarding. Go, Kade. United Flight 1263."

  I stared at him, not understanding for a few seconds.

  Then it hit me.

  I took off at a half run toward the sliding doors of the terminal building. I cursed at the ache in my leg that reminded me I wasn't supposed to be running yet.

  Inside, damn security wouldn't let me near the gates without a boarding pass so I went to the United desk. Flight 1263 was full so I bought the cheapest last-minute US flight I could, a ticket to Los Angeles, and then I hurried past security.

  I checked the display screen that showed the departures and found Flight 1263. Gate E77. The destination was Houston and I thought for a second Blaine had made a mistake. But then I remembered most international flights had at least one stop. I scanned the display and couldn't see anything for Knoxville, so I limped along, not running anymore because I didn't want to attract the attention of security or bust my knee. I just hoped Blaine had gotten the flight number right.

  I made my way to the E area and passed the different gates, which seemed to be in descending order on my right. E87. E86. E85. The hall opened up into a wide concourse and I picked out Gate E77 at the far end. When I spotted Gina's familiar tall frame in line for boarding, I nearly cried out in relief.

  I limped to her. I was about to say her name when the dark-haired girl with blonde roots next to her looked up.

  Ash.

  It was like lightning struck the part of me that had been yearning for her these long weeks and my knees buckled. I had to grab Gina for balance. I couldn't look at Ash. I couldn't.

  "Kade, what are you doing here?" Gina said. "Are you all right?"

  I felt suddenly nauseated, like I was going to throw up. There was no way I could go through with this.

  You can do this, Kade. You can.

  I touched my throat where the falcon was inked into my neck.

  I could do this.

  I let go of Gina and faced Ash again. God, she was beautiful. When Michelangelo was talking about carving angels, he meant her.

  Ash hesitated and I was afraid for one wild heartbeat that she would turn away and board the plane. Then Gina gave her a push.

  Ash stumbled a few steps toward me.

  Her surprised expression hardened, and my heart broke.

  "What do you want, Kade?" Ash said.

  I suddenly remembered everything I'd said to her the last time we'd spoken. Of course she was pissed. Shit.

  "I—" Love you, Ash. I couldn't form the words. "I'm so sorry. About everything. I had to see you one more time." I was keenly aware everyone in the boarding pass line was watching me. "The way I treated you on the phone wasn't right. I just needed some time to think things through. I didn't want you to lose the internship. And I didn't want to lose my job. I just, I wasn't thinking. I'd like to blame it all on the concussion or my twisted knee but it was my own stupidity. I tried to forget you. Thought it would be for the best if I did. Because I was afraid you were going to realize I wasn't good enough for you. But dammit, I can't let you leave, not without a fight. I had to tell you I meant everything I said when we were together that night and when you dragged me through hell the next day. Every word." I'd taken the coward's way out by not saying the actual words again. That I loved her. Wanted to marry her. I wished I was stronger but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't face the rejection I knew was coming.

  I paused, groping for something else to say, anything else to keep her here a while longer. If I kept talking, maybe she'd miss her flight. But I had nothing.

  She looked over her shoulder at the quickly shortening line. Gina waited patiently, standing a respectful distance away.

  "Kade. You had all this time to get in touch and you have to come and tell me this now, the day I leave? The moment before I board my plane?" Ash shook her head slowly. "You could have at least e-mailed me."

  Suddenly, words came to me again. "I wanted to, but, well, I thought it would be for the best if I left you alone. I thought you'd break it off with me eventually, anyway, so I figured I'd cut the rope myself. Because I knew I wasn't good enough for you."

  "That's the second time you've said that and I don't know what you're talking about."

  I swallowed. This wasn't going to be easy but I had to tell her. "You already had the man of your dreams once. How could I ever measure up to him? I was sure I wasn't what you'd want. I'm not a clean-cut kind of guy and I don't have a lot of money. I'm just, well, me. I didn't want to risk putting myself out there and exposing myself to hurt. I've always kept girls at arm's length because of my ex. But that's not living, is it? That's hiding." I grabbed her hand. "Ash. I am good enough. It's taken my knee getting dislocated and the past six weeks of rehab for me to realize that. Please don't go. Skip your flight. Let's talk. You and me, we can make this work. We can have something. Let's change our worlds."

  She slipped her hand from my grip and started to turn away.

  "I thought I could let you go back to Tennessee," I said, barrelling on. I wasn't going to let her go without a fight. I'd sworn that. "I thought I could let you find someone else to make you happy. But the thought of you with anyone else makes me want to die. I don't know if I can make you happy but I'll always be there for you and that's a promise I'll never go back on." I waited for her to say something but she had no words for me. I was beginning to feel the heaviness of defeat. "I had to know before you left. I understand if you don't feel the same way." I was quickly running out of words again and I knew it wasn't enough. I wasn't an eloquent person. I didn't do the whole feelings thing very well. I felt rubbed raw, emotionally bare, and I was losing her. "Please, Ash, I made a mistake. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, if you can take me back, if we can return to that one special night in the rain..."

  A voice came over the airport speakers. "Final boarding call, United Flight 1263 for Houston."

  "I... I have to go." Her voice cracked and she turned away.

  I'd lost. I felt my shoulders sag and my gaze dropped to the floor. I staggered backward, feeling like the world was spinning away from me, and I flopped into one of the chairs by the gate.

  I glanced up, hoping I'd see her standing beside me, hoping she was ready to come back into my life.

  But she was at the gate desk. Of course she was. This wasn't some romantic comedy where everyone was happy at the end. This was real life, where things worked a little differently.

  Ash glanced over her shoulder at me as the attendant scanned her boarding pass. Her face shone under the fluorescent lights, her cheeks wet with the tears I'd caused. Then she disappeared beyond the gate into the Jetway bridge and vanished from my life.

  I limped to the glass and the view it offered of the tarmac. My leg complained the whole time. I pressed my forehead onto the clear surface and searched the windows of the jet, hoping for a last glimpse of her. All I saw was the terminal building reflected back at me.

  I stayed there, unmoving, for fifteen minutes. Finally the Jetway bridge retracted and the plane slowly taxied onto the runway. I watched it gain speed and lift into the clear blue sky.

  The sky whose color matched her eyes.

  The sky I could never again enjoy without her at my side.

  I turned around and limped back, going through baggage claim and climbing back upstairs until I stepped outside through the sliding doors of United States Departures. Blaine was still waiting in the loading zone, though he had a police officer giving him shit. I sat in the Jeep and Blaine told the officer he was leaving and that he was sorry for the holdup.

  "You knew I'd come back alone, didn't you?" I said as we drove off.

  Blaine shook his head. "Nothing's certain in this wo
rld, Kade."

  After Blaine parked in the long-term lot he turned to me and said, "So what now?"

  "We go back to work."

  He nodded. "I'll be honest with you. Never thought you'd give her up so easily."

  "She's made up her mind." I looked him squarely in the eye. "But tell me something. What happened between you and Gina?"

  I caught a glimpse of pain in his eyes. Just a glimpse, and it was gone. "She made up her mind, too. Strangest thing. Before she left, she told me she wasn't good enough for me. A beautiful girl like that? Crazy."

  Wow. It was somehow comforting, hearing that about Gina.

  Blaine thrummed the steering wheel, an annoying habit of his. "I'm not sure we could have made it work, anyway. She's like all my exes rolled into one. Brings the word high maintenance to a whole new level. Out at the center, we could make it work because we had to be discreet, but if she came back to Vancouver, she'd suck up all my free time. Besides, she can't have kids."

  I just stared at him. That didn't sound like Blaine at all. The breakup must have been harder on him than I thought.

  "I mean, come on," Blaine continued. "I want to do all the parenting stuff. Be there for the first steps, the first words, the first day of school, you know? And I can't do that with her."

  "You could adopt?" I said.

  He glanced at me and a sad smile flickered on his lips. "Yeah."

  I shouldn't have said anything. The wounds were too raw for the both of us. We had to deal with our heartaches in our own ways. Provide whatever excuses and justifications we could for our broken hearts.

  I have to admit I wanted the parenting stuff, too, someday—my ex had taken my kid before I could even begin to chip away at any of it. But the key word was someday because it would have to be a long time from now, when I was ready. But even if Ash couldn't have kids, that wouldn't stop me from making her my wife. Not at all. I wanted her as she was, both the good and the bad. She was perfect, problems and all.

  Blaine parked the Jeep and we went to meet Don.

  I couldn't shake the heaviness that had set over me. Even when Don shook my hand, obviously happy to see me. Even when we boarded the small plane and I watched the city peel away beneath me. Even when the familiar vibrations thrummed through my body the way they had so many flights before. That heaviness permeated me through and through.

  And then the finality of it all hit me.

  Ash was gone and she was never coming back.

  My face was wet and it was only when I felt Blaine's hand on my shoulder that I realized I was crying.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Ash

  I tried to focus on Professor Barr at the front of the classroom, I really did. Dressed in her usual boarding-school type black gown with her gray hair pulled into a bun behind her head, she was using the laser pointer to indicate the next line of the syllabus on the projector but my mind kept blanking out. And I thought her class last semester was bad. This year I'd be learning about the reaction mechanisms and oxidation states of alcohols, ketones and aldehydes. Class hadn't even formally started and already I was bored out of my mind. Ah, the joys of Chem 360.

  The scorching temperature wasn't helping, either. I was literally dripping with sweat. The cooler Canadian summers had softened me up. I bunched my damp hair into a ponytail and then wiped my brow, catching a hot guy staring at me. He gave me a wink but I rolled my eyes and looked back at the professor.

  It was the first week of classes and as usual, every professor so far had spent the whole block reading over the course syllabus. Ridiculous. Were we kindergartners? I could hardly stand it anymore. Each hour spent cooped up in these stuffy classrooms was another hour of my life wasted.

  I'd wanted this, I reminded myself. Wanted to hide at the back of these classrooms, and the world, again. I was good at hiding and making myself invisible because I didn't want anyone coming too close, didn't want anyone to see how fragile I really was.

  I let my head sink into my hands. Was I going to be trapped in this sad existence forever? When would I be able to live my own life? None of this was what I wanted. These students were focused on goals and dreams that didn't match my own.

  Seriously, what was I doing here?

  I'd stayed with my folks when I got back from Canada and by the time I could move back to the residence hall on campus, I was desperate to be on my own again. At home, Mom and my stepdad Bill were constantly poking their heads into my room unannounced. Now that I was out of the house again, they called at least once a day and if I didn't answer, they became frantic with worry. It was like I'd become a little girl again. I guess I couldn't really blame them after what happened this summer.

  This summer. My thoughts immediately filled with crashing ocean waves tinged red by the setting sun. Then I was in Kade's arms, making love to him beneath the rain.

  Kade.

  It was his eyes that had captured me the first time we met. Dark green, intense eyes that never let go. His sharp words and defensive walls never reached his eyes, the doorways to his soul. They narrowed when he was angry, crinkled at the corners when he smiled, darkened at night when it was just the two of us.

  Momma Jeanne sent me a short e-mail the other day. We'd been keeping in touch, the two of us. But her last message was a bit overwhelming. I pulled out my phone and reread it.

  You're all that boy ever talks about. Not a moment passes when he won't mention Ash this or Ash that. How blue Ash's eyes are. How he misses her smile. How great she was at everything she did.

  You get my drift.

  I'll only tell you this one time, darling.

  Do you remember that boy I mentioned? The one who waited for me in Vancouver when I ran away from Alabama?

  He was troubled, and a bit lost, but complete when he was with me. I mean through-and-through complete. Honestly, being with him made me feel whole, too.

  He was the sweetest thing.

  We could've had something great together. Something wonderful.

  But I couldn't love him because of what happened to me in the past.

  So I let him go.

  Don't let the past control you, Ash.

  Don't end up like me.

  Don't end up like me.

  Again and again, I kept returning to that moment at the airport when Kade showed up at the boarding line. I could still see him now. His hair was longer, too long for him to properly spike and appearing tousled as though he'd just woken up. But the sheer agony on his face was what had torn my heart. It wasn't agony from his injured leg but agony from losing me.

  I could have done so many things differently. I'd wanted so badly to go to him, to hug him, to smash my lips into his, but I hadn't. I'd just stood there as he'd apologized. His expression and words had pinned me in place and my mind just blanked. He said he was scared but so was I. It was too much to take in all at once. Torn between anger and fear, I'd clung to the one thing I knew had to happen and that was going home to Tennessee. The ticket was already bought, the plane already boarding. I'd told myself I'd moved on.

  I was wrong.

  I could admit that now. What I'd really done was run away. I was afraid to face the promise in his words, frightened by the emotions he stirred in me. His eyes had glistened with unshed tears and yet, I'd pulled away.

  I missed him. I missed British Columbia. I missed the wilderness and the work I did with the falcons. Even though Kade hadn't been physically present for most of my internship, he seemed to be everywhere at the time. Throughout the day, random people would bring him up, usually relating a story about something stupid or funny he did. When asked why Kade had done it, the storyteller usually said something like, "Oh, no reason. That's just Kade for you."

  But Kade didn't do anything without a reason. He wouldn't scale the cliffs above the ocean to reach a falcon's nest for no reason. He wouldn't follow the tracks of a dead wildcat back to its den and crawl inside to save the mewling kittens for no reason. He wouldn't leap into a gushing river to
pull a clumsy girl to safety for no reason. He was dedicated to freedom, to risk and to helping both people and animals. He did all this without conscious thought and the people who knew him shaped their opinions of him around his actions rather than his sharp words or his rough appearance. They knew he was a good man inside. Just as I saw through all the masks and walls to who he really was within.

  Yet I'd pulled away.

  I sighed. Momma Jeanne made it sound like it was so easy to get him back but it wasn't. We were worlds apart now and not just physically.

  I reached in my pocket for my earbuds. Even though I was seated at the back of the amphitheater, I waited for Professor Barr to focus on the projector. When she did so, I had a quick look around to make sure no one was watching me—not that anyone else cared what I was doing—and then I quickly stuffed one bud into my ear. Satisfied no one had noticed, I plugged the end into my phone and scrolled down my playlists, tapping a finger on The National, one of the indie bands Kade had told me about when we were in the woods. I wanted to torture myself so I played their "I Should Live In Salt".

  It was a perfect song for how I was feeling right now. I'd left Kade behind. I deserved a shitty life.

  I listened to the song twice. On the third run through, I stopped the song at the chorus line. What bullshit was this?

  With a sigh of disgust, I tore out the earbud and flipped to the next page in the syllabus along with the rest of the class. I was through wallowing in self-pity.

  I was going to get through this.

  Somehow.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket only seconds after I put it away. What now? With a jerk I fumbled the phone out to silence it. A couple of people near me glanced over, bored disinterest clear on their faces. The professor hadn't noticed at all.

  I went to my messages and saw a text waiting from an unknown number. Curious, I tapped the little icon to open it.

  Hey, this is Kade, I—

  My heart beat faster and I inhaled sharply.

  Kade.