Indwell (Chasing Natalie's Ghosts)

by Nicole Smith

  Justin grabbed my hand and pulled me over to a group of people, half of which I knew from school, which was a relief. They were all in great spirits. I quickly finished my drink and was handed another one by one of Justin’s friends. I thanked him and went to find a seat. I climbed up onto a stool, crossed my legs and looked around. As I was sitting there, I couldn’t help but watch two long haired boys dressed in denim from head to toe about to come to blows over which band was better. As I laughed quietly an older guy walked over to me. He stood beside me. He was dressed in black from head to toe. His black hair was short and slightly spiked. He wore rings on every finger. He introduced himself as Hayden, holding his hand out for me.

  “Hi Hayden, I’m Natalie,” I said, holding his hand longer than I should have. It felt familiar, like I had held it before. I quickly brushed the thought aside. `Are you happy now mother, I’m making friends with a Satanist’, I thought to myself as I looked at his rings.

  “You don’t look like you really want to be here. I was hoping I wasn’t going to be the only one. Are you from around here?” he asked. Not this question again, I thought.

  “I’ve just recently moved here but probably won’t be staying long.” I was trying not to think about leaving Adam. Some of Hayden’s friends came over to talk to him. I looked at him and his friends and realized they were years older than most of the people here. They must be the suppliers of the legal and illegal substances floating around at this party.

  “Follow me,” Hayden said, pointing to a smaller room down from the main area.

  “I don’t think so,” I smiled at him, shaking my head.

  “There are other people in there. It’s just a bit quieter, with better music,” he assured me. I nodded and followed him. There were two sofas and two lazy boy chairs. Only one person was sitting on the large sofa, so we sat down there.

  “Did you need another drink?” Hayden asked me.

  “No thanks. Two is just about my limit,” I said, smiling, not wanting to sound like too much of a bore, but my head was already starting to spin. It was probably a combination of so many people in one room with the music so loud. Hayden’s friends joined us and sat in the chairs. They started talking about a concert they were going to in the city. Their conversation centered mostly on music. I gathered they were in a band or had been. When Hayden sat back I had to ask.

  “What brings you up here to the middle of nowhere for a teenager’s house party?” He smiled at me, surprised I think by my boldness, so was I. It must have been the drinks.

  “Well, if you must know, I’m good friends with your friend Justin and he asked me to come by. We had some business to take care of up here, so I told him, why not as long as there are some sweet young ladies around, I’m game. Of course, he told me there was just one. So I was intrigued. I had to come meet her.” He was so smooth.

  “Well, did you meet her?” I asked, playing along.

  “Yes I did,” a sly grin crossed his face.

  “Does she intrigue you?” I asked, not really knowing where I was going with this or why. His dark side was intriguing me for some reason and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had met him before.

  “Very much,” he answered, looking me in the eyes. I’ve looked into these eyes before but it felt like something was blocking my memory of when and where.

  “I’ll be right back, please don’t move.” He quickly left the room with one of his friends following behind. He had some more business I presumed. I wondered what he was selling, although he didn’t seem to be the pusher type. He returned shortly with two more drinks.

  “Here you are my darling,” he said handing me an unneeded beverage.

  “Thank you,” I sighed.

  “What’s wrong? Are you really that bored? We could go dancing out there in that little mosh pit. I think there might be some fighting outside or we could go throw stuff at Justin. He’s almost passed out on the couch in the other room,” he rambled on about the events at the party.

  “Oh No, Justin can’t be passed out. He’s my ride home. Damn it,” I shouted jumping up.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll get you home,” Hayden said.

  “No, I can’t ask you to go out of your way. You don’t even know me,” I said, really not wanting to be a nuisance.

  “Don’t be silly, I know you’re Natalie and you’re Justin’s friend. That’s all I need to know. Besides I like your company and don’t worry, I haven’t been drinking…much,” he said grinning.

  “Thank you,” I sat back down. Panic starting to subside now. He must be another one of those bad boys I have a tendency to feel safe with. I slowly sipped on the drink he gave me, feeling warm and comfortable.

  “Just let me know when you want to go. I’m your personal chauffer,” he said smiling again. I noticed for the first time that he had the same greyish-blue eyes that Adam has. Hayden’s eyes seemed to penetrate mine, like he was seeing more than just the color of my eyes. It was difficult to look away from him. I trembled with the horrible thought that he wasn’t real either, maybe he was a ghost too. I tried to calm myself, remembering that he did talk to other people.

  “Is something wrong?” he asked.

  “No, sorry I was just reminded of a friend who needs me home soon.”

  “Why does this friend need you?” he asked skeptically.

  “Well… this friend is alone and depends on me.”

  “For what?” he asked, interested, I think.

  “For emotional support,” I said quickly.

  “Does this friend have family issues?” he asked.

  “No, his family died years ago and he’s alone now.”

  “So this friend is a he? Does he need you for more than emotional support?” Hayden asked, looking closely into my eyes again. I started to feel dizzy. Why was he so interested if I had a close male friend or not.

  “Possibly,” I replied, wanting to see how curious he was.

  “Just remember you’re young and you need your freedom. There are a lot of people out there that might interest you and you don’t want to be tied down with someone because he needs you,” he preached.

  “It’s not like that. I wouldn’t be able to possibly explain how bizarre the situation is. You see he saved my life. So I owe him but I also love being with him.” I was unsure as to why I was telling him all this. It must have been the alcohol, I guessed.

  “How did he save your life?” he seemed interested even more now.

  “He saved me from myself,” I answered, hoping to stop this line of discussion.

  “I could use a savior like that myself,” he said smiling. I smiled back at him, realizing he was happy with my answer.

  “So I guess we should get out of here before the police are called. I could get arrested,” he said grinning. I realized then that I liked his company. He was mysterious and charming. I don’t know why I found him so compelling or familiar.

  Hayden led me to his black convertible. I guess his business pays well. I wondered what he drives in the winter and where he goes in the winter. His skin was tanned for being so early in the summer season. He was such a gentleman, as he opened the passenger door for me, closing it as I sat down. He climbed into the drivers’ side and shut the door. He started the car and turned down the music. He drove quickly down the drive and on to the dirt road.

  “I’m afraid I don’t know the area so well. You’ll have to tell me where we are heading,” he explained.

  “Right, just keep going toward the hi-way, north bound. Take the first exit and you’ll hit the Main Street. My house is on the main drag,” I said sarcastically.

  “I get the feeling you don’t like living here much.”

  “There are not too many places I’ve lived in that I’ve liked,” I answered honestly. I wasn’t about to tell him why I liked some of the places.

  “How many towns have you lived in?”

  “Wow, I’ve never really counted.” It’s not like we moved around because my father was in the
army or something. Although now that I think about it, it may have been because of the `business’ he associated himself with. He probably owed money to someone like Hayden a few times, which actually made me smile. I must be insane. I would happily hand myself over to the devil, if it wasn’t for my angel Adam, waiting for me at home. As we neared my house I wondered why he volunteered to drive me home. I would now be indebted to him and if there was one thing I knew, nothing is ever offered free and if you couldn’t pay in money than you paid in favors. I hoped he wasn’t as evil as I was making him out to be. He stopped out front my house, not in the driveway.

  “Thank you so much! How much do I owe you for coming so far out of your way?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t ask for more than I could give right now.

  “Don’t be silly. I think of you as a friend. I hope you feel the same?” I nodded looking into his eyes again.

  “Besides, I’ll just add it to the debt Justin already owes me,” he added, grinning. I could tell there was a story there.

  “Well it was really nice to meet you tonight. You were right when you guessed I didn’t really want to be there. So I owe you for driving me home,” I said, apologetically.

  “Well maybe the next time I’m in the area we can get together. You can tell me more about how you need to be saved from yourself,” he said seriously, looking me in the eyes this time. I was surprised that he would be interested in such a thing.

  “Thank you again,” I said as I opened the door. He had quickly raced around the front of the car as I was about to head down my pathway.

  “Wait!” he said. “I want to give you my number in the city, just in case you need me.”

  “Um, okay, but I never go to the city,” I told him.

  “You might in the future,” he said as he grabbed my hand, put the piece of paper in my palm and folded my fingers around it. I shivered, unsure as to why.

  “Thank you,” I squeezed my hand into a fist. Hayden quickly hugged me, kissed my forehead and was gone. I stood there staring at the road as he sped away. Why did I have to meet you now? I love Adam, this isn’t fair.

  “Adam,” I gasped, turning and running into the house.

  “Is that you Nat?” my mother yelled from the living room.

  “Yes, mom it’s me. I went out, are you happy?” She appeared in the hall.

  “Did you have fun?”

  “Well my ride got drunk so I had to come home with a stranger. I felt like such an inconvenience but other than that, well the party was loud and full of hicks, so no, I did not have a good time. But thanks for making me go,” I said, feeling the rage I had been suppressing earlier start to bubble. She just frowned as she began to turn away from me.

  “Sorry Mom. I know you were only trying to be helpful,” I said, feeling bad for taking it out on her. She didn’t deserve it.

  “I’m just going to grab some water and go to bed?” I said apologetically.

  “Of course, I’m sorry the party wasn’t better. I should have known the kids around here would be just as boring as the adults,” she said smiling. I couldn’t help but laugh with her. She didn’t fit in here either, which made me sad, thinking we’ll probably be moving again soon. I’m sure my father wouldn’t stay here long. After I grabbed a mug of water I said “Good night mum,” giving her a quick hug before I ran up the stairs. I threw open my door and quickly closed it behind me. I turned on my lamp.

  “Where are you?” I was starting to feel nervous. I couldn’t see him. I didn’t sense him here with me.

  “Please, you promised me you would be here!” I demanded. “Adam, I need you,” I begged. He must have seen Hayden drop me off. Was he angry with me? The pain of losing Adam made my throat feel like it was closing. I was having trouble breathing as I looked out my window, towards the river where we first met. The love I felt for Adam was not normal, it was beyond strange. It was an actual physical need. I felt like I had to have him as much as I had to have air. If he was gone then I wouldn’t be able to keep living. I was determined to end my life that night by the frozen river. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be here now. I was living on borrowed time. Time he gave me to be with him. He can’t just leave me. The devil is waiting out there for me if he leaves me now.

  “Please don’t lead me to him,” I whispered. That’s when I felt Adam’s arms around me. I grasped him tightly as tears began streaming down my face. I turned to look at him. He gently wiped my tears away. He kissed me so sweetly. He was my world, how could he not respond when I called him.

  “I’m here now,” he apologized, kissing my eyes, my cheeks and my mouth.

  “I’m so sorry. I was jealous of how quickly you were attracted to him. I’m sorry. You belong to me, but I don’t own you,” he said, again feverishly kissing me.

  “I wasn’t attracted to him. I missed you,” I tried to explain to him as well as to myself.

  “I should not have told you to go. You should not have met Hayden tonight,” he said, as he looked out the window.

  “How do you know him?” I asked, feeling nervous.

  “He has changed your destiny, he has changed our destiny,” he said quietly, looking away from me again. I grabbed his face with both my hands, looking him in the eye.

  “You cannot leave me!” I said furiously. “You saved me, you kept me here. You made me stay here in this prison when I tried to escape. Now you owe me your life. I cannot live without you.” I tried to explain how I felt to him.

  “I will not leave you,” he said frightening me, just by the way he said `I’.

  “Do you really think I will leave you?” I asked, not wanting to hear his reply.

  “The future is already set, I just want to enjoy the time I have with you now,” he explained, looking intensely into my eyes. I could not refuse him anything he wanted. I just prayed he was wrong. How could I possibly leave him? I needed him more than I needed food. I grabbed him again and pulled him to me. I wanted to smell him and feel him. I let my fingers massage his shoulders, then I traced his arms, I rubbed his chest. I let my hands slide down to his waist. He grabbed them and kissed them.

  “Not yet,” he said, restraining himself more than I was capable of.

  “Why?” I asked, not sure if it was passion or the alcohol that was making me mad with desire.

  “I just want to hold you. Don’t question my love, just let me hold you,” he begged.

  “Just promise me you won’t leave,” I moaned, curling into his chest again.

  “I will be with you for as long as you need me to be,” he repeated as if it was some sort of mantra, he had to convince himself of.

  6. DANCE

  Winter was upon us again and the house seemed even draftier than the year before. I was able to hang extra blankets on my window to keep the wind from freezing me while I slept. I was so grateful to have Adam around so much. He continued to act as my heater. He never asked for more than just to hold me.

  I was still friends with Justin. He kept trying to get me to go out more with him, but I was afraid of running into Hayden. He had told me that Hayden asked about me from time to time.

  “I told him you were crazy but he doesn’t believe me,” Justin joked.

  “Well, we both know you’re crazier than me,” I said, not exactly joking.

  “There is a new dance club opening up in the next town over. A bunch of us are going. It might be fun, if we have a few hits before we get there. What do you say? I promise I’ll be able to get you home,” he tried to reassure me.

  “I’ll think about it,” I replied. The idea of dancing sounded good, I did like to dance and it has been awhile since I’ve gone out with my friends.

  On Friday I told Adam I had agreed with Justin to go dancing Saturday night. At first he didn’t mind, but later that night he seemed to change his mind.

  “Why are you going with Justin? You know he’ll endanger your life. He is never sober. I really don’t think you should go,” he said, looking out the window.

  �
��I just want to go so that I can dance. There are other people going, maybe one of them will drive if Justin can’t.” I tried to soothe him.

  “We can dance here,” he said, as he turned on my radio and reaching for my waist, he twirled me around the room.

  “You’re good.” I smiled at him.

  “Thanks, I have never had lessons. I must be a natural,” he said, grinning.

  “If you really don’t feel comfortable with me going then I won’t,” I said, trying to make him happy. He just frowned.

  “Seriously though, if I was to get in an accident and die, wouldn’t I be able to come back here to you? Wouldn’t we be able to be phantoms together, forever?” I asked. Just the idea sent amazing shivers down my back, the idea of living with him always, going where we wanted whenever we wanted to, sounded like a dream come true. He didn’t look as happy as me with the idea.

  “Well, I guess being with me all the time, forever, might not sound so good to you,” I said, concerned I had upset him somehow.

  “I wish it worked like that, my eternal love, I really do. If you died now, you might go straight to heaven and I would still be here, alone.”

  “How do you know if I’m going to heaven or hell? How do you know that I won’t be able to stay here with you?” I answered, still questioning the possibility of being with him forever.

  “I don’t know why I’m still here. I think it has something to do with you. I never asked to remain. After the car crash, before my support was pulled at the hospital, I saw my parents. They smiled at me and waved, they mouthed the words, `see you soon’ and then they vanished. I was to die a few hours later. I lied to you when I said I hadn’t talked with anyone in over a year, it has been forty two years Natalie and I am still here. You are the only living soul I have talked to in forty two years. Do you really think I want to risk losing you? What if you go and I still have to stay here. That is what I call hell and I don’t know what I have done to deserve this. Please try to understand, if there was any chance of you being here with me forever, I would jump at it, but the alternative is just too frightening!” He leaned against the wall sliding down to the floor, looking completely exhausted. I went to him, wrapping my arms around him, but I couldn’t stop thinking about everlasting life with him. There must be a way. I can never leave him but I cannot spend my life here either.