Indwell (Chasing Natalie's Ghosts)

by Nicole Smith

  On Saturday night, Justin picked me up first. He was already into something and I started to feel nervous as we drove onto the hi-way.

  “Are you okay to drive?” I asked, knowing that I couldn’t take over the wheel. I was hoping to learn to drive someday, but my father always had our car. I turned sixteen over a year ago now, maybe the next time he’s back I’ll see if he can teach me.

  “I’m just fine, don’t worry so much. How old are you anyway, thirty seven?” he replied sarcastically. I was starting to miss Adam already. He had left before Justin arrived. He said he wanted to go for a walk. It was obvious he wasn’t happy with me. I don’t know why I wanted to go, I just felt like I had too. We picked up Christie and a few other girls from school.

  “Hey Natalie, I didn’t think you were really going to show. It’ll be fun, everybody’s going. Here, take a swig,” Christie said as she handed me a beautifully engraved silver flask.

  “You’re crazy,” I said as I obeyed her request and took a sip. I took a few more before handing it back to her. I was hoping it would calm my nerves. I was starting to feel anxious. I had butterflies in my stomach and I wasn’t sure why.

  We arrived safely at the club. Justin grabbed my hand as we walked in. I smiled at him, unsure as to why he felt the need to hold my hand. He knew we were just friends. I didn’t bother to pull away though. I believed it was innocent enough. He led me through the crowded dance floor to a set of stairs that lead up to a loft. The lights were dim but there was a flashing strobe light, so I was able to make out faces. I recognized David and Leeann from school. There were a few familiar faces from the last party I went to back in the summer, but I couldn’t remember their names. The group of them up here had moved all the chairs to one side of the room so they could sit on the floor. Some of them were lying down others were sitting on the floor resting their heads against the wall. They stared at us as we reached the top step as if it was a miracle, like we flew or something. I couldn’t help but smile and laugh. Justin sat down on the floor beside a beautiful looking boy named Marcus. He introduced us as he grabbed my wrist to pull me down beside him.

  “It’s nice to meet you Marcus,” I said smiling. I looked back at Justin.

  “I did come here to dance you know,” I informed him.

  “I know, but stay with us for a minute more, please?” he begged, looking like he really wanted me too.

  “Alright, just for a minute,” I sighed as I leaned against the wall beside him. He handed me a drink. I took a few sips than a few more, before I realized it, I had finished it. I sat and chatted for a while longer than stood up. As soon as I stood the room started to spin.

  “What the hell was in that drink?” I shouted at Justin, barely audible over the music. I walked away, not even looking back at him. I was so mad. It hadn’t dawned on me what had really happened until I was on the dance floor. He had drugged me. What did he give me? I looked up at the loft and was shocked to see him looking down at me, unsmiling, with Hayden beside him. Did Hayden tell him to do it? What do I have ahead of me tonight? I decided to stay close to Christie. I tried to dance and look like I was having fun. Christie didn’t seem to notice anything was wrong.

  Later, during one of the songs, my head began to spin. The floor seemed to be moving. Christie grabbed my arm as I nearly fell. That’s when Hayden appeared at my side.

  “Let me help you off the floor,” he said smiling.

  “What did you do to me?” I asked, shaking. He quickly picked me up and carried me up the steps to the loft. He set me down in a corner and sat beside me. My head fell to his shoulder. I didn’t want to be near him but I was unable to move.

  “Why did you do this to me?” I cried.

  “It wasn’t me Natalie, it was that idiot Justin,” he said flatly, looking around the room for him, but he wasn’t there.

  “He told me you wanted it, but I didn’t believe him,” he explained.

  “I wanted what and what is it going to do to me and how long is it going to last?” I asked, not really wanting to hear the reply.

  “Once you get your balance back you’ll probably not want to stop dancing. It might last a few hours. Don’t worry. I’m not going to let you fall. I’m going to stay with you,” he said. I wanted to trust him but I still wasn’t convinced this was Justin’s idea. Hayden was right, the room did stop spinning and I started to feel happy, almost giddy.

  As I looked around the room, people were smiling and when they moved they seemed to leave a trail of colors. It was really quite beautiful. I just sat there watching everybody, squeezing Hayden’s hand. Marcus came over and sat in front of me.

  “Are you feeling better?” he asked.

  “I think so,” I said touching his pretty face. He had light blue eyes and his blond hair was cut in different angles and lengths. He grabbed my hands and kissed them, completely ignoring Hayden beside me. He quickly pulled me up and brought me to the dance floor. We danced for what seemed like hours. It was two o’clock in the morning when the club closed. I was exhausted but strangely happy. I gave Marcus a hug goodnight. Hayden was going to drive me home. It sounded crazy but I came to think of him as my protector now. He was there to watch out for me and keep me safe. Christie was going to drive Justin’s car home with a few other people. I watched them cram into his car. Hayden thought it would be too dangerous if I went with them since there wouldn’t be enough seatbelts to go around. I agreed after remembering Adam’s concerns. He didn’t want anything bad to happen to me. I hoped this alternative would make him happier, but he wouldn’t be thrilled about it.

  As we drove in silence, I was starting to come down quickly. I noticed Hayden kept glancing at me every chance he could.

  “Are you feeling okay? We can stop if you need some air,” he offered.

  “No, thank you though. I’m just feeling really tired now,” I explained.

  “That happens. Did you have fun though, that’s the important part?” he asked.

  “Strangely, I did,” I smiled.

  “I knew you were a bad girl as soon as I met you,” he mused.

  “I think you’re probably right,” I sighed. I couldn’t help but look at him as we continued to drive in silence. The only light was from the passing cars. His dark hair was still slightly spiked, but it seemed softer this time. His face was rigid, sharp chin, blue eyes and his lips were tight. As I watched him it seemed like he was trying to restrain himself from saying something.

  When we reached my house, he stopped on the side of the road again, not entering my driveway. I still found this odd, but didn’t question him. I was just happy I was home, safe and sound. Hayden held the door for me as I climbed out, for a devil he certainly had good manners, Justin could learn from him, I thought.

  “Thank you again for the ride home Hayden. You really are becoming my private chauffeur,” I joked.

  “You’re welcome Natalie. Anytime you need me I’ll be here,” he said this a little more seriously than I thought was necessary. He glanced up to the top floor of my house and smiled. He looked back to me and kissed my forehead.

  “I’ll see you again soon,” he said as he opened his door. He rolled down his window to wave goodbye. I slowly waved back before I turned toward my house. I knew there was more going on than I was able to comprehend. It was almost as if Hayden knew someone was up there waiting for me. I saw Adam in the window but I didn’t think Hayden would have been able to.

  I quickly walked inside and shut the door. I was so lost in thought I hadn’t noticed the music and voices coming from inside. I was completely stunned when I looked up and saw my father’s angry face right in front of me. I did not want to deal with this now. I knew what was coming. I could tell by the strong smell of liquor on his breath that he had been drinking for a while. The party was in the back room, they wouldn’t be able to hear me scream from here. I guess it didn’t matter if they did. None of his friends would intervene.

  “I’m just going upstairs,” I said, hoping
he would walk away. It was like trying to calm a wild dog. I slowly walked toward the stairs without turning my back to him. I knew instantly it wasn’t going to work, as he bellowed.

  “Where the hell have you been? You made your mother worry!” I could see the anger in his beady, squinted eyes. It wasn’t really me he was angry with, but he needed an outlet. I arrived home at the wrong time.

  “Mom knows I went out,” I simply stated. I took my first step up and closed my eyes for a second, wishing this episode to be over. I tried to run up the stairs but he caught my ankle and dragged me down a few steps. He grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked me back up to the landing. I tried not to cry but it hurt. Once we reached the top he held my elbow and briskly walked toward my room.

  “Please leave me alone. It’s not that late,” I begged. I wasn’t feeling very tough as I sobbed. He ignored me. He opened my door and threw me against my dresser. My back hit the corner. I had tears streaming down my cheeks, no matter how hard I tried to hold them back. My head was throbbing and now my back ached. I looked up to see if he was still coming for me. He was standing just a foot inside my room looking above me at something. I felt the warm air circulate around me. I knew Adam was in here. I was too sore to turn and look though. The light in my room flickered and the pages in my book that was lying on my dresser flew open. I tried not to smile at the simple things Adam was doing. When my father glanced down at me, I think he was shocked by the look on my face. Through my tears I was smirking.

  Adam grinned as he slammed the door shut then opened it again. I was so shocked when he grabbed a clump of my fathers’ hair, the same way he had grabbed mine and led him out of my room. He slammed the door shut again. I laughed uncontrollably as I heard my father’s footsteps race down the stairs. When I stopped I looked up at Adam. He wasn’t smiling anymore. I tried to stand but before I could Adam already had me in his arms. He carried me to the bed. My head was still throbbing and I winced when I touched it.

  “Damn it!” I said as I moaned. Adam gently placed his warm hands around me. I rested my head on his firm chest. He was so inviting. I twirled a lock of his hair in my finger.

  “You look really tired,” he said, laying me down on the bed. He wrapped the blankets around me and then lied down beside me. He began to rub my back. There was no need for words tonight. I closed my eyes and immediately fell asleep.

  7. GIFT

  I knew this day was coming. My father was home a lot more now too which always caused concern. Recently, he had been busy making his own `moonshine’. There was a continual stink in the house because of it. He also had a new group of friends that liked to show up at odd times, like three in the morning or on Sunday afternoons. They never stayed long though. It was always a relief when they left. I knew well enough why they were there and it wasn’t to buy my father’s alcohol. He was selling drugs again. He had been doing it intermittently for years. It explained the company he kept, the moving, the highs and lows of his income. He was also a user, which explained his emotional highs and lows.

  The Christmas tree didn’t seem as appealing to me as it did last year with just the popcorn strings. This tree was all done up with lights and glittery decorations. I found it quite hideous for some reason.

  “I have a surprise for you. Get your boots and coat on,” Adam told me early, Christmas morning. I smiled and quickly obeyed him. Once outside he led me down towards the river. There, near the bank of the river was a small evergreen tree, he had decorated it with pinecones, red berries, dog wood and popcorn strings. I started to cry. It was the most beautiful tree I had ever seen.

  “I love it Adam, thank you so much,” I ran to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. I looked up to kiss him. He held my face gently, stared at me for a moment and then kissed me. He turned away, as if he was trying to hide his face from me.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “I know what’s coming and I’m not sure if I can handle it,” he said.

  “I don’t understand. What’s coming?” I asked.

  “You’re moving again,” he said flatly. I gasped.

  “Where did you here that?” I asked, starting to shake.

  “I overheard your parents talking. They plan on telling you at dinner tonight. They don’t even plan to have you finish the school year here. Your father has already found a house hours away,” he explained. I just kept shaking my head.

  “They can’t keep doing this to me,” I cried. I wanted to hit something so badly. I wasn’t about to take this out on Adam. I turned back to my tree, it was so perfect. I fell into the snow, punching the ground, crying. He let me continue for a few minutes, when I was starting to slowdown, he carefully picked me up and carried me to the back porch and put me down.

  “I don’t want to go back in there. Where did you live? Before I arrived here where did you live? I want to go there,” I begged. He grabbed my hand and swung me around in his arms, he lifted me off the ground. Within seconds I felt a strange detachment from this world, as though I was in some strange cloud, everything was a blur. I couldn’t make out anything around me, it was all too bright. When the light began to dim I noticed he had stopped at an old abandoned house. The windows had been boarded up. It was built deep into the woods, a long laneway led to the house. It truly was in the back country, completely secluded. He opened the front door and I walked in slowly. He quickly began pulling the sheets off the couches and chairs, than he went to work starting a fire. He disappeared upstairs and came back with two big duvets and a pillow.

  “Sorry if they’re a little dusty,” he apologized.

  “Why have you never brought me here before?” I asked. I was astonished he had a home.

  “This is my hideout. If I ever felt that maybe you shouldn’t be with me, then this is where I would hide. I know it’s foolish, but I thought if I could hide from you, then it would be easier to leave you,” he explained.

  “Why would you want to leave me?” I asked, looking at him, shocked.

  “Natalie, I don’t want to leave you, but sometimes things like this are out of my control. Now you’re the one leaving me and I wanted you to know that there will always be a place you can find me,” he explained as he looked at me, reaching for my hands.

  “I have no way of getting here Adam. I don’t even know if there is a road that leads here anymore. You’ll seriously have to draw me a map.”

  “No Natalie, all you’ll have to do is come to the river bank. Just say my name and I’ll be there, with you,” he said seriously.

  “I’m not leaving here, just so you know. This is my new house now. All I need is you,” I told him, reaching my hands around his waist.

  “You can’t stay here. I would love it if you could, but I can’t feed you and you won’t be able to leave here without my help. This would become your prison and I can’t have that,” he tried to explain.

  “Please, just let me stay awhile,” I begged, pulling him down on to the blankets with me. He didn’t fight me this time. He pulled me closer to him. I ran my fingers gently over his eyes, cheeks and lips. I slowly leaned in to kiss him. His scent was surrounding me. I climbed onto his lap, still holding his face as I kissed him harder. He gave up his resolve and lost control. He quickly undressed me and kissed every part of my body. When he returned to look into my eyes, I was tingling and dizzy. That’s when he held my hips in his hands and brought me to him. I felt lost in his energy and I prayed I would never be found. I could stay in this moment forever. I would never forget this feeling for as long as I lived.

  “I love you more than life,” he whispered as I fell asleep in his arms.

  When I awoke I looked up at him, watching me from the couch. I smiled as I reached for my clothes, wrapping the blanket around me I went over to him. He held my waist, holding me with both of his strong hands, as his head rested on my stomach. I brushed his hair off of his beautiful face. He looked up at me with his icy blue eyes. He was my angel. Once I was clothed I sat beside him on the
couch.

  “So, what is our plan? You know I’m not leaving you, so we need a plan,” I demanded.

  “I wish I knew,” he said, sounding defeated.

  “We should get going. Your parents will start to worry about you soon,” he sighed.

  “Do you really think I give a damn how they feel? They sure as hell don’t care about me,” I replied, starting to feel frantic now. He took hold of my hands and kissed them.

  “We’ll think of something,” he said as he let go of me and grabbed my coat and boots. He put the sheets back over the furniture and put out the fire. Tears streamed down my face. This was too much, this was worse than all the others leaving me. This was going to kill me. That’s it! Death is the only answer. The worst that could happen is already happening. I’m losing a part of my life that brings me the most peace. Even if I did come back to visit him, he might not be here. This is my only option. It’s strange how the idea didn’t scare me. I was even excited by it. I couldn’t tell Adam my plan though. I knew he would be extremely angry with me if I tried. He opened the door when he was ready to go. He tilted his head to look at me, searching my eyes.

  “Are you alright?” he asked, curiously.

  “I am so happy. You make me so happy,” I said hugging him. He squeezed me, smiling and wrapped me up in his arms again and we were off.

  When we reached my house he whispered in my ear, “I’ll see you soon” and he was gone. I went inside and prepared to brace myself for the lovely Christmas gift my parents were about to present me with, just the destruction of my whole world. I sat through it quietly. Luke didn’t seem to care. John on the other hand threw his plate against the wall and told my dad he was a “fucking asshole”. That started an even bigger fight. John turned and walked upstairs. He began to pack his things, while my mother cried silently. When John returned minutes later he put on his shoes and jacket.