Freedom Swimmer

by Wai Chim

  Hongbing motioned for me to take a seat and Feng went to stand beside the Cadre’s chair. I sat on the hard wooden stool on the opposite side of the desk while Hongbing settled into the cushioned seat of the village’s top official.

  He cleared his throat before beginning.

  ‘Comrade Li, we have called you here to ask you some questions. As we all know, asking questions of ourselves, and examining our motives and intentions are the revered ways to arrive at the truth, to further our commitment to the Party.’

  Hongbing’s anxious voice told me he had never conducted a formal interview like this before.

  Feng, on the other hand, was exceptionally confident. ‘And if we find you are guilty, you will confess to your crimes.’ He was practically shouting and I half expected him to slam his fist on the table.

  ‘But, of course, we do not suspect that is the case, do we, Comrade Feng?’ Hongbing was doing his best to keep the peace.

  ‘As we know the practice of self-criticism is fundamental to the ideology and methodology of the Party,’ Hongbing went on. ‘As such it is essential that we all undergo self-critiquing sessions to better understand how we may further the Party’s objectives.’

  I rubbed my hands against my lap and cleared my throat, dreading what was coming next.

  ‘As such, Comrade Li,’ Hongbing was repeating himself, hiding behind Party vernacular. ‘We would invite you to please proceed with your own self-analysis and confession, a cleansing if you will, of your political mind.’

  My political mind? Maybe this wasn’t about my father, just a self-criticism session, but I was still wary.

  Most Party members would have gone through at least one self-criticism session, but I’d managed to avoid them so far.

  I scrabbled for the right words.

  ‘Well,’ I began slowly, doing my best to deepen my voice and seem more serious. ‘I didn’t meet my commitment to educate and further our Party’s ideology to the people this week. I missed a lesson with my appointed village family and shirked my responsibilities on the field.’ This was, of course, because I had been delirious with fever, but it was a start.

  Feng narrowed his eyes, clearly finding my half-hearted attempt unsatisfactory. But Hongbing nodded. ‘Go on.’

  I wondered if they were looking for any specific confession after all. ‘I haven’t … reflected enough on my shortcomings to the Party. I have taken my commitment to its cause for granted and could do more to be more self-aware and diligent in my own self-reproach.’ I smiled inwardly, but maybe I’d gone too far by confessing to not being good at confessing.

  Feng was livid. ‘That type of smugness is exactly the sort that will not be tolerated. Your despicable bourgeois thinking needs to be eradicated from our ranks.’

  Hongbing held up a hand for silence. ‘Now, now, settle down, Comrade Feng. I’m sure that Li is trying his best.’ He leaned forward and the chair let out a rude squeak. Hongbing shut his eyes momentarily to regain his composure.

  ‘Comrade, is there anything else you would like to point to? Perhaps from a while back? It’s time for us to revisit past misgivings and fully exonerate ourselves from our wrongdoings.’

  A while back. They were probing me, giving me a chance to come clean about something. I ran my thoughts over the past few weeks, trying to think of an incriminating act that could have brought this on.

  I knew they were waiting for me to say something so I blurted out the first thing that came to me.

  ‘I wrote a poem. A political poem, but not about the Party.’ I winced, knowing that I was putting Ming under potential scrutiny. Even though I was confessing to being the author of the poem, I shouldn’t even admit it existed.

  They exchanged a look. This time, it was Feng who urged me on. ‘Tell us more.’

  I said carefully, ‘It was about a place, but the way it was written, now that I consider it, it may have had – unconsciously – intonations that did not reflect my true commitment to the Party.’

  ‘And why did this occur?’ Feng demanded, rapping the desk with his knuckles.

  I took a deep breath. ‘I was on the beach, thinking about something my father once told me. I had never been to the beach before, never seen the ocean. And I was inspired by my father’s thinking.’ I bowed my head, trying to summon an expression of deep sorrow. ‘I know now that perhaps I was influenced by wayward thinking. My … my father was imprisoned last week.’

  I was weaving together the most intricate web of lies and truth.

  Feng crossed his arms again, his face unreadable. Hongbing, on the other hand, looked relieved.

  ‘Comrade, your words and frankness are refreshing,’ Hongbing said. ‘While we, of course, don’t condone these actions, there is little doubt of your true commitment and Communist spirit.’

  I stared, wide-eyed, and he turned to Feng.

  ‘Comrade Feng, see? I knew there was nothing to worry about. A good comrade, who is true of spirit and of pure thought, can immediately identify moments of indiscretion and weakness. That poem you found was clearly a lapse.’

  So it was the poem! While Ming had decided to send Fei the letter we had worked on together, I had been so moved by its sincerity that I had asked him to write the poem down for me – as a gift. How foolish of me! I shuddered as I remembered taking it from Ming after he had finished writing it out. How had Feng got his hands on it?

  Was there something more that they were keeping from me? Was there still a trap? But Hongbing was smiling and nodding and Feng seemed put out, so maybe I was in the clear.

  My confidence came back to me. ‘Well, comrades, thank you for this humbling moment. You are right, the opportunity to self-criticise is an opportunity to cleanse us of corruption and move towards a unified and clear objective. Commander Hongbing, I would like the opportunity to pen a self-confessional essay, rehashing this session so that I might feel formally purged of my actions and reflect even further.’

  Now I was being smug, essentially begging for more punishment to prove just how loyal I was, but I was willing to bet a month’s rations that this was the right move.

  Hongbing nodded eagerly. ‘Of course, yes. That would be best and most appropriate for a true comrade. Your commitment to bettering yourself as a Party member will be noted.’

  Feng remained silent, but I could read the seething rage in his eyes. I tried to appear modest and meek.

  My heart was racing and my feet a little unsteady as I staggered out of the building. I was late for work and my day’s points would reflect this, but I didn’t really care. I knew I had avoided disaster, but I had a hunch that this would not be the last one.

  I made it through the day, though by noon I felt ready to collapse. My muscles screamed; the fever had worn out my body. When the bell rang for the end of work, I could hardly stand to report in. I couldn’t be bothered thinking about dinner, I just needed to rest.

  But back in the dorm, my belongings were strewn about the room, my bedding trashed. On the bunk where I slept, a long strip of paper was laid out, the message scrawled big and bold.

  Li Pingzhou Is A Reactionary Swine

  I snatched at the sign, tearing it into ten thousand pieces. I stormed through the room, gathering my things. The only thing untouched, of course, was Quotations from Chairman Mao Zedong, carefully placed on the bed.

  The handwriting was generic, but it didn’t really matter. I knew it was a warning, from Feng, from Hongbing, from the Party as a whole. Even though I had ‘passed’ the interview, I was marked. My friends no longer trusted me.

  I was on my own.

  Chapter 13

  MING

  Li stopped coming to the lessons, saying he’d convinced the Commander that his Party obligations were better served elsewhere. So it was just Fei and Aunt Shu, under my instruction. Aunt Shu seemed to begrudgingly accept me, and Fei made an effort to hide our affection for each other in her aunt’s presence.

  The beginning of spring was unseasonably hot, remind
ing me of monsoonal late summer. My clothes clung to my skin, heavy and suffocating. The hot wind brought no relief during the days, the ground sizzling beneath our feet. Out in the fields, we baked under the sun and I imagined we would all start popping and bubbling around the edges, like fried eggs. The humid nights were unbearable and there was little sleep for anyone.

  Usually, the most exciting part of spring was the New Year. It was the most important holiday of the year, the only national holiday where we had more than a single day’s rest. Over the New Year, the whole village came together to celebrate for two weeks and we didn’t have to work for three days. While the Mid-Autumn festival featured a few lanterns and musicians, New Year was an all-out affair with markets, fireworks and travelling performance troupes. Colourful parades of lions and dragons could be found marching through the towns and villages, attracting festive crowds.

  Usually.

  Last year, the Cadre had declared that festivities across the country were officially cancelled by Party decree. Villagers were expected to observe the holiday in decorum, reflecting on the Communist ideals and their service to the Party. Everyone had grumbled and complained behind closed doors, but there was nothing to be done. Fortunately, we still didn’t have to go to the fields, even if the festivities were no more.

  This year, New Year celebrations were still cancelled, but many of the villagers were even less interested in three days of solemn reflection and made arrangements to visit family in other villages or even the city. The city boys were eager to finally make the trip home and see their families for the first time since they had arrived almost eight months ago.

  All except Li.

  Li had become more withdrawn. Feng and the others had started treating him differently and he’d become an outcast, keeping to himself.

  The week before the New Year, Fei pulled me aside after our lesson, out of earshot of her aunt. ‘Aunt Shu is going to visit her cousin in another village. I have to look after the boys on my own.’

  She dropped her eyes to her feet. ‘I thought maybe you could give us some extra lessons?’

  Finally, it was the New Year and hardly anyone was left in the village. Tian had even organised for a few of the older boys to go into Tanshui, a small city which meant an hour’s walk to the closest bus stop and another two hours travel on a crowded hot bus.

  ‘Little Brother.’ Tian’s greeting was gruff, his voice deeper than ever. He was eighteen now. He’d moved out of the bunks and been transferred to one of the adult work units so I hardly saw him anymore.

  ‘Hi.’ I held his gaze. I was different too.

  ‘How’s things?’

  I shrugged. ‘Good, you know.’

  ‘We’re headed on the bus into Tanshui for a “revolutionary field trip”.’ ‘Revolutionary field trip’ was how he had convinced the Cadre to let him leave the village without any family to visit. ‘You should come with us. See some new sights, new people; it’ll do you some good to visit a proper city. Get out of this place. Wang and Cho are coming.’ He nodded to his former dorm mates a short distance away.

  ‘That’s okay. Maybe next time.’ I gave him another smile, a big one to let him know I was okay. Tian had always looked after me. But I didn’t need looking after anymore. And I knew why.

  Fei.

  ‘All right.’ He clapped me on the shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

  I caught Li after breakfast. I thought this would be the perfect time to fit in some swimming lessons. Over the months, he had greatly improved. His athletic body was built for endurance so he was practically keeping up with me. We had to stop our lessons when they started patrolling the beaches, but I had a new idea.

  He jumped when I grabbed his arm. And I noticed how thin he’d become. The lean body hardened by field work was rail thin.

  ‘Ming.’ His face softened when he saw it was me. His eyes were dark and haunted, his cheeks hollow.

  ‘You look like you haven’t slept in days,’ I said.

  Li shook his head. Maybe it was my imagination, but he seemed to be fighting back tears. ‘It’s a tiresome journey, my friend.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  Li sighed again. ‘The village is different now. There are eyes and ears everywhere.’

  I gnawed on my lip. He was sounding more like crazy old Zhu than my friend. I needed to cheer him up and take his mind off things. ‘I’m meeting Fei and her cousins for a swim. You should come.’

  Li shook his head, but I took him by the arm anyway. He didn’t put up a struggle and allowed me to pull him along.

  Fei was waiting for us at a crossroads between our villages, her cousins screaming and laughing. She waved to me and my spirits lifted. ‘Ming! Li!’ My name was a melodious note coming from her lips.

  I waved back, my eyes on her as she came towards us.

  Li’s scowl dissolved. ‘It’s been too long, Miss Fei. You have grown more elegant and beautiful since we last met.’ He gave a courtly bow.

  I shoved aside a pang of jealousy, especially when Fei let out a giggle and returned her own awkward bow. I still had so much to learn.

  ‘Hey, Kai.’ I playfully punched the oldest cousin in the arm. We’d become friends since that first dinner we had shared, bonding over kung fu stories. He gave me his best praying mantis stance before launching into a series of air-chops and half kicks that made him look like he was fighting off a gang of mosquitoes.

  Fei tsked and wagged her finger. ‘Kai, don’t be such a ruffian. Set a good example for your brothers. And you shouldn’t be encouraging him,’ she said, turning to me.

  I gave her a grin and waggled my eyebrows.

  Li laughed out loud. The worry lines on his face had faded and his eyes sparked with mischief.

  The sun was climbing and the day was already sticky and uncomfortable but we all giggled and grinned. We walked quickly into the dense trees, seeking the cool comfort of the shade.

  I was the one who suggested going to the river for a swim. I knew Li didn’t believe the river was haunted, and Fei’s cousins were too young to remember so I only had to convince Fei. She was terrified at first, but it was the only place that we could be certain we would be alone. Even with her three small cousins and Li accompanying us, young people of the opposite sex simply didn’t spend time together, and we couldn’t risk the potential scandal. Finally, she had relented.

  Now, she was the one leading the way. I walked just behind, admiring her boldness. I’d never been to this part of the river before. We were far upstream where the water was calmer, a soothing babble rather than a deafening roar. She was sure-footed, confidently picking her way along the overgrown path.

  Li followed slowly, turning this way and that, taking in every bent leaf, turned rock and dangling twig. I wondered what he was thinking, etching every detail of his surroundings into his mind.

  I thought of Ma, and how long it had been since I’d come here. But I felt oddly content, with the three us walking side by side, lost in our own worlds. Without thinking too much about what it meant, I put an arm around Fei’s shoulders.

  Her eyes widened and she stared up at me. I bit my lip but didn’t let go.

  And then she folded up against me, small and frail, resting her cheek against my chest. I held her, and we just stood together, clasping each other in this moment.

  ‘Alright, even the city boy’s getting a little uncomfortable here,’ Li grumbled as he went past.

  We hiked on in silence. Fei led us down a steep hill, the path covered in slippery leaves. She took a graceful leap to the bottom and glanced up expectantly. I half slid and half ran down, but Li lost his footing and slid the rest of the way on his bottom. When he finally reached us, he was covered in mud and leaves.

  ‘Hai-yah!’ The cry came from all around us and I jumped as a rapid shadow whizzed by. One of her cousins was racing towards the water.

  ‘Ru, be careful!’ Fei was already scolding, but it was no use. The boy scrabbled up a wet rock and launched himself exp
ertly, curling up into a tight ball so that he landed with a splash.

  Water sprayed everywhere, spattering our faces and clothes. It felt cool and refreshing, a welcome relief. Ru bobbed to the surface, laughing maniacally, and Kai propelled himself into the water with a loud plop. The youngest of the brothers, Zhi, stayed by Fei’s side clutching at her trousers.

  I let out an almighty yell, pulling my shirt over my head and tossing it to the side. My eyes fixed on that large rock, I ran for the edge and leapt.

  I spread my limbs as wide as they would go, feeling the cool air as I fell. The boys scrambled, making room as I hurtled towards the water.

  The cold hit me. Flowing straight down from the mountain, the water was crisp and pure. The cool sank into my bones.

  I let myself sink. Through the murk I could make out a few pairs of kicking feet, some bubbles and a few minnows darting about.

  Finally, my lungs screaming, I broke the surface of the water.

  ‘Ming!’ There was no mistaking the relief in Fei’s voice. She and Li were leaning over the bank. I couldn’t help but beam as I tossed my head back and flashed them a wicked grin.

  ‘This is fantastic! Come on, Li!’ I ducked back under, letting my hands and feet propel me forwards.

  Li landed with a muffled splash and I jetted back to the surface. He was smiling, his eyes wide. He smacked the surface of the water with both palms. ‘Hou ye!’ His voice cut through the silent trees, sending birds scattering from their branches.

  Splash! Li whirled around to find Kai giggling and thrashing his arms about. He raised his hands like claws as the playful fighting gave way to a chase.

  I turned back to the bank. Fei was perched daintily on a flat rock, her feet skimming the water, Zhi still beside her. I beckoned her over but she shook her head. ‘I don’t want to get wet,’ she said, laughing.

  I shook my head, her laughter washing over me. I sank back into the river, listening to the shouts, giggles and splashing as Li and the boys dove in and out of the water. After a while, little Zhi came in off the rock, urged on by his brothers. Only Fei stayed on the bank.