Freedom Swimmer

by Wai Chim

  Eventually, their voices faded so that I was left with little but the rhythm of my own breath. And instead of closing my eyes and conjuring up Fei’s cheerful face from memory, I could keep them open and watch her fending off the spray from her young cousins.

  ‘Fei! Watch this.’ Ru called from upstream, waving his arms about. He took a deep breath and disappeared under the water. Then a pair of legs emerged from the surface, forming a wide V.

  ‘Ru, be careful!’ Fei bent forwards and leaned way out so that her long braid was almost touching the water.

  ‘Make way!’ Li was once again barrelling towards the bank like a typhoon. He hurled himself halfway up the rock on one arm and with the other he scooped up Fei, grabbing her around the waist. Before she could even cry out, she was in the water, her plait whipping around, water spraying everywhere.

  Li and Ru, the co-conspirators, congratulated themselves on a job well done, while I watched, horrified, to see how Fei would react.

  She rubbed her eyes and spat out some river water. Her threadbare top clung to her and despite the situation, I couldn’t help but notice the way it hugged her chest. It seemed like forever had passed when she finally spoke.

  ‘I’m going to get you, you little monster!’ she shrieked, and lunged for her cousin.

  Ru ducked out of the way, but not before sending a torrent of water up at her. They laughed and giggled as they wrestled, Fei’s earlier hesitation forgotten. Li threw himself back into the fray, grabbing Fei around the waist to throw her into the water, pretending to hold her down. She managed to break free and tried to force him under, almost climbing onto his back. The unsettled pang returned as I watched them, not knowing what to do.

  ‘Ping zai? Is that you?’

  The voice came from the other side of the river. We froze, scanning the river bank. A guard? A villager? But the man crouching by the tree trunk was not familiar. He was caked in mud, his clothes torn, his sandals falling apart. He staggered forwards, arms outstretched, and called out again.

  ‘Ping zai! It’s me. It’s me!’

  I backed away slowly, shielding Fei as the boys cowered behind her. He must be crazy, I thought, some lunatic from a nearby village. Unless he was Gong Gong the water demon, picking his prey along the river. I was regretting coming to the river, maybe it was haunted after all.

  Li was staring at the man, frozen in fear.

  ‘Father?’

  Chapter 14

  LI

  Ghost. The ghost of a man was like a memory of my father. It used his voice, though crackly and hoarse rather than proud like I remembered. It called my name, the name only my parents and grandparents had ever used. The ghost had tears in its sunken eyes, wild as they bore into me.

  The ghost lumbered towards me, its movements jerky as it toppled into the river, still calling me by my nickname. ‘Ping zai! Ping zai, it’s really you!’

  Even with the river between us, there was no masking the stench. (Ghosts didn’t smell, did they?) I was rooted to the spot, my muscles beyond my control, as the ghost that resembled my father came up to me and reached out with its skinny arms.

  ‘Ping zai! It’s me. It’s Father.’

  My eyes stung and blurred but I still didn’t move. I just watched through the cloud of tears as he put those bony limbs around me and sobbed against my chest. ‘Ping zai. My dear dear dear son. I found you. I found you.’ Dirty claws dug into my shoulders as the man wailed, his cries growing louder by the moment.

  Something inside me snapped.

  I shoved at the man with all my might. He sprawled in the water so that I had to climb around him.

  ‘Son!’ he cried, reaching out again. I ignored him and waded to the bank, tears running down my cheeks.

  The man caught me by the ankle. ‘Ping zai. Don’t go. Please. Don’t go.’ His voice gouged at my insides. I opened my mouth to say something, to scream or yell or cry, but no sound came out.

  So I kicked his hand away and scrabbled up the bank.

  ‘Li! Li!’ I heard the distant cries but kept going.

  I stumbled through the forest blindly, branches and thorns tearing up my skin so little streams of blood trickled down my exposed arms, but I didn’t care. I fought my way forwards until I lost my footing and couldn’t haul myself back up. Then I crawled, clutching at dirt and leaves. And when that part of me was spent, I sank down into the mud, pressing my wet cheek against the earth.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, but the images wouldn’t go away. And the questions.

  I sobbed once. Twice. And then I couldn’t stop.

  Ming found me like that. He pulled me up by the shoulders, cradling my head. He didn’t say anything, just held me, letting me cry myself out. When I had no more energy left, he helped me rest against a tree. I couldn’t look up, just stared blankly at a patch of dirt in front of me.

  We stayed that way until the shadows on the forest floor began to lengthen. Finally, I lifted my head. Ming met my gaze and answered my unspoken question.

  ‘Fei’s taken him to my old house. It’s abandoned. No-one will find him there,’ he said.

  I managed a nod and let my head loll back against the tree trunk, letting out a sigh.

  ‘Did he say anything?’

  Ming shook his head. ‘Not much. Fei sent the boys home and took him to get cleaned up. Don’t worry, they’re sworn to secrecy. They won’t tell.’ I was grateful to my friends, I knew the risk they were taking, harbouring a fugitive.

  ‘Thank you, my friend.’ We clasped hands firmly. I tried standing, but slipped back against the tree. Ming helped me and I finally staggered to my feet. I felt a hundred years old.

  With my arm draped across Ming’s back, the two of us slowly made our way out of the forest. As we got closer to the village, we headed towards the beach.

  I had never really noticed the ramshackle hut on this part of the shore. I would have assumed it was an abandoned shed or outhouse but, of course, there would have been no such thing in a poor village. It was a house, tiny and shoddily built. Ming led the way, his feet finding the overgrown path to his childhood home.

  The door was ajar, a few bent nails sticking out of the frame, and I could hear soft voices inside. My whole body stiffened but Ming coaxed me along, encouraging me those last few steps. I took a deep breath and pushed open the door.

  My father sat cross-legged on what would have been the old family bed, while Fei sat on the lone stool. A fire was lit in the stove and some water boiled for tea. My father had washed his face and arms so that awful smell of rot was gone.

  His bones were protruding through his papery thin skin. His face was sunken, one of his eyes was completely swollen shut and there was a huge bruise on his left cheek.

  ‘Father.’

  Fei dipped her head and stood. I hovered in the middle of the room until Ming dusted off an old wooden bucket and offered it as a seat.

  I perched on the bucket opposite my father. He rocked back and forth, a chipped tea cup clutched in his bony, trembling hands.

  ‘So, are you a fugitive as well as a traitor now?’

  Father winced.

  ‘Son,’ he sighed. ‘For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.’

  And with that weak apology, the dam inside me burst.

  ‘Sorry? How could you? You have brought shame and ruin to the family. We have lost all respect.’ I leapt to my feet, sending the bucket clattering against the floor. ‘You left Mother by herself, and now nobody will even speak to her. Tze can never find a good job now, his future is ruined. Pearl has been kicked out of the Little Red Guards. We are pariahs, treated like vermin. We might as well all be dead.’

  The tears were blurring my vision as I stared down at him. He remained silent, peering at me pathetically. I wanted to grab him by the neck – he was so thin I could have done it with one hand – grab him and shake him until he jingled with answers.

  ‘Why did you come here?’ I spat.

  ‘The labour camp I was assigned to is only a
bout twenty li from here,’ he said. ‘I paid someone to tell them I was sick for the day and then snuck out. I hid from the dogs and only travelled at night, following the shoreline. I came straightaway to find you, son. I … I wanted to explain. I needed you to understand that I never meant to hurt you or your Ma.’

  His words did nothing to curb my anger. ‘So tell me then. What was your crime? Why were you taken in?’

  My father closed his eyes. ‘An old friend who owned a tea house was imprisoned last year. He needed to deliver a letter overseas. I helped him send it.’

  I felt sick. A letter overseas. It wasn’t even his. Why would he associate with such dangerous characters? Just by agreeing to help this traitor, he had doomed our family forever.

  His lip trembled and his voice cracked. ‘Son, you have to believe me, I have done nothing but adhere to and honour the teachings of Chairman Mao. I am not a traitor. I gave a man my word, and I honoured that word. And if that makes me a reactionary and counterrevolutionary in the eyes of the so-called People’s Party, then I guess that is what I must be.’

  I felt the stinging of my palm before I realised what I’d done. My father’s face was so sunken that there hadn’t even been the fleshy sound of the slap, just a muted thud. He stared up at me, his hand pressed over his cheek where I had struck him.

  ‘How can you say that?’ I spat at him. ‘You’ve betrayed your country and family. You are worse than a dog. You are nothing. You are despicable.’

  My father didn’t answer, just hung his head in shame, which only enraged me even more. I raised my hand, ready to strike him again.

  Strong arms grabbed me, pulling me away. ‘Come on, Li. Let’s go, give him some time,’ Ming said softly.

  He gripped my shoulders and steered me away from the bed.

  ‘I’ll stay with him,’ he offered. ‘You and Fei should go home. Someone will notice if we’re all missing.’

  I let myself calm down, though a quick glance back at the bed almost set me off again. Eventually, Fei took me by the arm and led me to the door. She pulled it shut behind us.

  My voice dropped to a whisper. ‘They’ll lock him away forever if they find him. Solitary imprisonment or worse.’ I didn’t want to think about worse.

  ‘It’s okay. We won’t let them,’ she said simply. I smiled, grateful that here, I didn’t need to doubt my friends.

  The villagers began to return as the New Year holiday came to an end. My father was still at the house and Ming had been watching over him the past couple of days, sneaking in scraps of food from his own rations. Ming and I were still swimming but I couldn’t bear to go inside the house and face him, though I was still worried about what to do with him. If anyone found out he was here, we would both be punished.

  ‘Where’ve you been?’ Feng asked as we took our meal on the last evening of the holiday.

  ‘Just went for a swim,’ I said. Ever since my interrogation, Feng had developed a habit of questioning me.

  ‘You didn’t come to the city. We showed some of the villagers the inner workings of a Communist Youth League and you missed the chance. A good Party member puts the interests of the people ahead of his own.’

  ‘I’m still not feeling very well,’ I stammered. ‘I thought it best to rest up so I can continue our good work in full strength.’

  Feng narrowed his gaze. ‘We are required to help the peasants and do Chairman Mao’s good work. I am sorry that you didn’t feel you were up to the task. Though I can see that perhaps confronting the disgrace of your family would have been too much.’ Feng arched an eyebrow.

  I swallowed hard. Feng’s mention of my family made me nervous. The sooner my father was out of my mind, the better.

  That night, the dormitory was alive again with the sounds of snoring from the beds beside me. But I couldn’t sleep. Every time I shut my eyes, I saw Feng’s accusing glare.

  I crept out into the still night. The houses were quiet, just one or two kerosene lamps to penetrate the darkness. A stray cat hissed when I came too close to her mangy litter but no-one else made a sound.

  I stumbled when I got close to the little mud hut by the beach. My legs were shaking and I could hear my own heartbeat in the still night.

  Suddenly, shouting erupted behind me and I spun around.

  ‘There he is!’ A voice cried out. A lamp bobbed up and down, illuminating a mob of silhouettes rushing towards me.

  A wave of panic gripped me and I fumbled up the path, reaching for the latch.

  The door flew open and my father’s ghostly face stared back at me.

  Hands grabbed me from both sides and I was trapped in a tugging match between them until another hand seized the back of my collar. I screamed as I was yanked from my father’s grasp and landed face first in the dirt.

  ‘Li Pingzhou!’ I would have recognised that voice anywhere. ‘You have been caught harbouring a reactionary criminal! You are a traitor and an enemy to the People’s Party and must be suitably punished.’ Feng spat and I felt the warm slap on my neck.

  There was a soft thud behind me. I squeezed my eyes shut when I heard my father’s plea. ‘Please. He’s my son. Let him go. He’s done nothing wrong.’

  ‘Be quiet, swine!’ It was the Cadre’s son, Caocao. Ming had warned me that he was a bully, and I was pretty sure I was about to see that firsthand.

  I was on my knees now. ‘You lot are despicable.’ Feng grabbed me by the hair so my neck snapped back. ‘What vile acts have you been plotting with our enemies?’

  He spat on me again. My father groaned and Caocao cackled. I counted four village boys holding my father. At least three pairs of hands held me down but it was too dark to see their faces. Kamshui? Ah-Jun? Had the comrades I worked beside every day all turned on me?

  ‘What’s the meaning of all this?’ The Cadre had arrived with a few of the Party officials. I tried to stand but a sharp kick to the base of my spine sent me sprawling to the ground. A bright torch beam shone into my eyes. ‘Comrade Li?’ The Cadre sounded confused.

  ‘He’s a sympathiser, Cadre,’ Feng exclaimed. ‘Li here has been harbouring a capitalist pig, an escaped fugitive from one of the labour camps up north. The guards have been looking for him since New Year.’

  ‘They’re both traitors,’ Caocao said.

  My father groaned again before he spoke. ‘Please, Cadre. My son has nothing to do with this. I was the one who escaped from the labour camp. I came looking for him, he didn’t know.’

  More footsteps and voices approached. The villagers had been woken up by the commotion. They carried swaying lanterns and spoke in hushed voices, amplified in the still night.

  ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘Who is that? Is that Li?’

  ‘Who’s that man with him?’

  ‘He looks like a vagrant.’

  ‘Reactionary swine.’ Caocao kicked my father and pushed his face into the ground. ‘We should string him up as an example.’

  The boys began beating him. The crowd did nothing to stop them. One or two of the villagers stepped forwards and began to yell obscenities.

  ‘Confess your crimes,’ a voice called out. ‘Who is this foreigner lover?’

  The names and accusations were flying.

  Then came a familiar cry. ‘Li!’

  Ming was pushing past the crowd, trying to reach us. But at the last second, an arm pulled him away.

  ‘Let go of me, Tian.’ I heard them struggling but couldn’t see what was going on. I writhed against my captors but they kept a firm grip.

  ‘Is that your conspirator, Li? Should I bring him out here too?’ Feng hissed in my ear.

  ‘No!’ I gasped, tears stinging my eyes. I expected Feng to command the crowd to bring Ming out, to make him kneel before everyone as well, but the call never came.

  Instead, he kicked me again and I was back in the dirt. But the pain in my back was nothing next to what my father was enduring.

  ‘You call yourself a father?’ The Cadre’s voice
was shrill. ‘You dare show your face here? Your son must be mortified. How could you bear to bring such shame to your family?’

  ‘Please, Cadre sir, find mercy in your heart to let him go.’ Despite the beating, my father’s voice was suddenly strong.

  The Cadre turned to me. ‘Denounce your father. Call him out for the pig he is.’

  I sobbed into the earth.

  ‘Do it, son. I am worthless to you as a father. Denounce me and spare yourself.’

  ‘Get them up.’ Hands grabbed me under the armpits and I was dragged onto my knees to face my father. The villagers pushed and shoved each other, clawing their way closer to the action.

  ‘Denounce him,’ the Cadre shouted in my face. ‘Denounce this capitalist pig and political enemy. He is not your father. Say it!’

  My face was wet and sticky with tears and mud. I bit my lip and looked at my battered father. His head drooped to the side and there was a gash on his cheek. The bruised eye was now swollen shut. ‘Do it, son. Denounce me. I am no father. The Cadre is right.’ Caocao struck him and he cried out.

  ‘This is your last chance, Li.’ My vision blurred and the Cadre’s voice sounded distant and cloudy. ‘Are you loyal to the Party or to this enemy of China? Which side are you on?’

  My head throbbed and I squinted between the men’s forms.

  ‘Denounce him.’

  ‘Put him in his place, Li!’

  ‘Call him the swine that he is.’ They were the voices of my fellow comrades, the boys I called friends, shrieking like they were possessed. In the chaos, I could have sworn Feng’s face had morphed into the shape of a banshee with fangs.

  I squeezed my eyes shut but didn’t say a word, just bit my lip and choked back sobs. I’d seen other boys do it – many of my peers had written Big Character posters condemning their parents for being class enemies. But despite everything, all my anger and hatred for his betrayal, he was still my father and I could not bring myself to say the words to denounce him.

  Feng spat at me once more.

  They continued to beat us, taunt us. The Cadre demanded a bucket of water from the well and our tormentors took turns dunking our heads in and holding us under.