by Lucy Daniels
He reached out to Lamby, who was sitting in his usual place at the other end of the couch, then holding Lamby tightly, he snuggled into Susan’s side.
‘So you’d like to meet your daddy?’ Susan had to be sure it was what he wanted.
Jack looked up at her and nodded. ‘Yes please,’ he said.
‘That’s good,’ Susan replied.
Jack was still leaning on her. He could think about it as long as he wanted. She wasn’t going to move until he was quite ready. He sat quietly for a minute, then looked up. ‘Can I draw again?’ he asked.
Susan glanced at the clock. It was well past his bedtime, but a bit more drawing wouldn’t hurt this once. ‘Of course you can,’ she murmured, and watched as he slid off the couch and padded across to the table.
Susan remembered that the kettle had boiled. ‘Cup of tea?’ she asked, glancing across at Miranda.
Miranda smiled. ‘I thought you’d never ask,’ she said.
Chapter Sixteen
Thursday afternoon had come round all too quickly. Michael had taken the afternoon off work and was due to arrive at two. Susan’s morning had passed in a haze of Nativity preparations. They had been running through it every day for several days now. Herbie Dhanjal was the only one who actually knew all her lines and Susan was beginning to despair, as she did every year, of them being ready in time.
She hadn’t slept much last night. Her brain had been on a weird loop of Michael and Jack scenarios. None of them had been good. In one, Jack was terrified of Michael. In another, Jack behaved so badly that Michael said he never wanted to see them again. The worst one, though, was that Jack and Michael would get on so well together that Jack would decide he wanted to go and live with Michael. Michael had all the legal representation he would ever need if he decided to make things difficult. Letting him meet Jack was an acknowledgement of his fatherhood.
Don’t be dramatic, Susan, she told herself. Why would he do that? He didn’t seem to be here to cause trouble. And he had never indicated he wanted Jack to live with him. Yet she couldn’t help but feel nervous as she cleaned away the lunch things.
Jack seemed quite happy. Susan had expected him to be nervous, but he had chattered away about all kinds of things as he ate his sandwiches. It’s going to be fine, she thought. There was a part of her that felt excited too. If it worked out well, it would be good for all of them.
The doorbell rang. Susan put the last of the cups on the side and reached for the towel. She glanced round the kitchen for what seemed to be the hundredth time. Everything was tidyish. She had half expected Jack to rush to the front door to open it, since he had seemed so excited, but instead, he appeared in the doorway of the living room as she walked out into the hall. His face was pale. He followed her along the hallway and she took a second, running a calming hand over his hair before she opened the door.
Michael’s clothes were more casual than they had been on the other occasions they’d met. Susan ran her eyes over the chic sweater and fitted jeans. They both looked brand new and probably were designer, knowing Michael. He still looked almost comically out of place at their cottage, despite his attempt at ‘off-duty’.
‘Hello, Michael,’ Susan said. ‘Jack, this is your daddy.’
Jack was standing very close to her, almost hiding behind her legs. It was a long time since he’d done that, she thought. She wondered whether Michael would bend to try to hug him, or even just talk on his own level, but Michael didn’t seem to have any idea what to do.
‘Hello, Jack,’ he said. ‘It’s nice to meet you at last.’
He sounded as nervous as she was feeling, Susan thought with a lurch of compassion. She’d always assumed he would be confident in every situation. She crouched down beside Jack, holding both of his hands and looking directly at him. ‘Do you want to say hello to Daddy?’ she asked.
She sent him a reassuring smile and he looked up at Michael with those huge eyes that were so much like Michael’s own. ‘Hello,’ he said.
Susan stood back up. Michael was looking more worried than ever. ‘It’s okay,’ she mouthed, placing a hand on Jack’s head.
Michael was carrying a bag in his hand. He reached in and drew out a spherical parcel, wrapped in bright orange paper. ‘I’ve brought you a present,’ he said, holding it out to Jack, though even that looked awkward.
Jack took the parcel. ‘Thank you,’ he whispered, then backed behind Susan again.
‘Come in, Michael,’ Susan said. They couldn’t stand on the doorstep all day. ‘Why don’t you take Daddy through to the living room, Jack,’ she added. ‘You can open your gift there.’
She closed the door and led Jack through. He still seemed more inclined to stare at Michael in silence than open his parcel. Michael didn’t seem to know what to do either. He stood beside one of the chairs, looking utterly out of place among the evidence of Susan’s daily life as a mother. ‘Won’t you sit down?’ she suggested. She sank down onto the couch and was relieved when Michael subsided into the rather worn chair that she normally sat in when she was on her own.
‘Would you like a drink, Michael?’ she offered, trying her best to act like he was a normal guest.
‘Oh, no thank you.’ Michael shook his head, but his eyes were fixed on Jack, who was still just clutching the parcel.
‘Are you going to open your gift?’ Susan asked Jack in a gentle voice. He had stayed very close to her throughout and now he came and leaned on the couch to tear off the wrapping paper. It was a football.
For a first gift, it wasn’t a bad choice. But Michael’s forehead creased when Jack remained silent. ‘I thought you liked football,’ he said. Jack was looking at the football as if he didn’t know what to do with it
Susan sent Michael a reassuring smile as she reached out and put her arm round Jack. ‘He does, don’t you, Jack?’ she said.
Jack nodded, though he still seemed overwhelmed.
Susan looked across at Michael. ‘How about we all go out into the garden?’ she asked, then cringed. The voice she had used was a bit too much like the encouraging tone she used at the nursery. ‘We can play with the ball. You’d like that wouldn’t you, Jack?’ she added, directing her question directly at him to try to cover her embarrassment.
‘Great idea.’ Michael’s voice seemed a little too hearty as well. He stood up nonetheless and followed Susan and Jack out into the back garden. Susan grabbed coats for herself and Jack, noting that Michael didn’t seem to have brought one.
The garden was small and mostly lawn. Stone walls marked the boundaries. Though Susan kept the grass trimmed, climbing plants ran rampant. In summer, the garden was a tiny oasis of Golden Showers roses and purple wisteria. Today it looked tired, though the grass had not yet turned winter yellow. Offset from the window, there was a bird table filled with seeds and festooned with hanging feeders.
For the first time, Jack looked animated as he set the ball down on the ground and kicked it so it rebounded off one of the stone walls.
‘Over here!’ Michael called, raising an arm.
Jack paused for a moment, then kicked it to him.
‘Great left foot!’ Michael said, controlling the ball and then sending it gently back.
Jack received it and kicked it back once more. When he looked up, Susan could see he was smiling.
They kicked the ball back and forth, occasionally sending it in Susan’s direction. Michael was becoming more enthusiastic. Susan sent the ball back. He caught it on his foot, bounced it twice, then booted it. It arced upwards. For a moment, Susan felt her head prickling as it veered towards the window. It missed by only an inch, hit the angle of the wall, ricocheted off at a crazy angle and smashed into the bird table.
The carefully arranged seeds went flying as the table fell. Jack let out a strangled yelp. Susan made a rush for the table and picked it up. It was undamaged, but most of the seeds were lost in the grass.
‘I’m so sorry.’ Michael’s face was red as he lifted up one of the see
d-feeders and set it back on its hook.
‘That’s all right.’ Her voice had that over-compensatory cheery tone again. Though her comment was directed at Michael, she was trying to reassure Jack. He had looked for a moment as if he was going to cry, but now he seemed to have retreated into his shell. ‘We can give the birds more. We’ve plenty.’ She pulled open the door that led into the kitchen, stepped inside and pulled the bags of bird food from the cupboard. ‘Jack and I feed the birds every morning,’ she explained to Michael as she returned outside.
‘So you like birds then, Jack?’ Michael asked as they placed the new seeds on the table. He was trying, Susan thought. But Jack was busy arranging the food and didn’t respond.
‘He loves all animals,’ Susan interjected.
‘That’s good,’ Michael said. ‘I like animals too. What’s your favourite animal, Jack?’
Jack looked up at Susan. She smiled at him, trying to send him reassurance. ‘Cats are his favourite.’ Jack was standing behind her again, as if he had returned to toddlerhood.
‘So do you have a cat?’ Michael asked Jack.
Again there was a moment when Susan thought Jack was going to burst into tears. Though he still said goodnight to Marmalade up in heaven every night, Jack almost never mentioned him otherwise. He didn’t like Susan talking about Marmalade, though she did so now and then.
‘No cat,’ she said, shaking her head. The stark words hung in the air. ‘There are lots, though, at Hope Meadows,’ she added, ‘… the rescue centre we visit. They’ve some lovely kittens too, just at the moment.’
There was a long silence. Despite the December chill, Susan’s face was hot. She thought longingly of Mr Gorski and Douglas. Both of them knew how to chat to Jack and put him at his ease. That Michael had no idea how to talk to children was painfully obvious and her own nerves weren’t helping. The nightmares that had plagued her last night were coming true. The painful future stretched out in front of her. Would Michael disappear again, leaving Jack more confused than ever? She had to think of something that would make things easier for both of them, but what?
A vision of the deaf white kitten came into her head. Sometimes you had to find different ways to communicate. Jack was always at his most relaxed around animals. Mandy had found it hard to talk to Jack to begin with too, but animals had brought them together.
‘In fact, why don’t we go to Hope Meadows now?’ she suggested. It would give them something to talk about. Even if nobody else could find anything to say, Mandy could talk to anyone about the animals in her care. It came with the territory of being a vet and running a shelter.
Jack came out from behind her. For the first time since Michael had arrived, he looked excited.
But Michael was frowning. ‘Can we just pop in like that?’ he asked. ‘Won’t they be busy?’
Susan crossed her fingers. ‘I’ll give Mandy a call,’ she said, ‘but even if she isn’t there, there are animals outside in the paddock.’ It would be better to get out of the house, even if they were just walking.
‘Really?’ Michael looked interested. ‘It isn’t just dogs and cats?’
Jack shook his head vigorously.
‘There’s a cow and goats in the paddock,’ Susan explained.
Jack folded his arms. ‘Mandy has rabbits and guinea pigs too,’ he said. ‘And last summer she had an owl called Frank.’ For the first time since Michael had arrived, Susan felt a laugh bubbling inside. That was the longest sentence Jack had strung together in front of Michael so far. He seemed outraged at the suggestion that Mandy would only have cats and dogs.
She glanced at Michael, wondering if he would take offence, but he still looked interested. ‘Really?’ he said, looking directly at Jack. ‘An owl called Frank? What are the other animals called?’
Jack’s eyes widened and he drew in a deep breath. ‘The cow’s a Highland cow and she’s called Dawn. The goats are Minnie and Mike …’
Susan pulled her phone out of her pocket. Listing the animals would take some minutes. She dialled Mandy’s number, but there was no reply. Should she phone Animal Ark? Mandy was probably busy. If they walked over, she might be there and if not, they could stroke the outdoor animals. Even Dawn, who had been very shy to begin with, came over to investigate now when Susan and Jack arrived.
‘I can’t get Mandy,’ she said, shoving her phone back into her pocket a couple of minutes later, ‘but we can wander over there. There’s always something to see.’ It would be something to do anyway. Better than going back into the house and trying to chat.
They set off up the road and turned left onto the green. A gust of wind blew a stray lock of hair over Susan’s face and she tucked it behind her ear. The air was beginning to have an icy edge. The surface of the pond was ruffled. There were only two ducks this morning, a male and female teal. They were well camouflaged in their winter plumage, but Jack saw them immediately. He stopped and watched them with his head on one side. Michael halted too. He bent forward and Susan thought he was going to talk to Jack about the ducks, but he brushed away some mud from his expensive jeans and straightened again. The image of Douglas lifting his head to gobble down birdseed in the rain swam into her head. Things would be so much easier if Michael was like Douglas. She thrust the thought away. She had to deal with the situation as it was. Wishful thinking helped nobody.
They walked on. Though Jack was still not talking to Michael directly, he seemed more himself. He climbed up on a gate to scan the field beyond for rabbits and seemed delighted when a flock of sheep rushed towards him, bleating loudly. Michael watched quietly, though he stayed well back from the wooden gate.
Mandy’s RAV4 was parked beside Animal Ark when they arrived. ‘Looks like Mandy’s here after all,’ Susan told Michael. She felt relieved as they made their way round to the entrance to Hope Meadows itself. The visit would take much longer if they could go inside and look round. The centre itself was so lovely. Michael couldn’t help but be impressed with what Mandy was doing. Jack had run ahead and was holding the door open. That was a relief. Michael was finally seeing the good manners Susan had taught him.
She walked into the reception area. Mandy was sitting at the desk and for a moment, Susan thought she must be talking on the phone. ‘Come any time,’ she said. For the first time, Susan became aware there was a second person, standing leaning against the wall with their back towards the newcomers. He turned to see who had come in and the familiar grin froze on his face. It was Douglas.
Chapter Seventeen
Susan felt her entire body cringing. The one person she didn’t want to run into today was standing right in front of her. She felt like cursing her luck. But it wouldn’t be a problem if I hadn’t lied, she reminded herself, uncomfortably. There was confusion on Douglas’s face as he glanced from her to Michael and back again.
‘Hi, Douglas!’ Jack went in to give him a hug. This time, it was Michael’s turn to look confused as he watched his son hugging the other man.
Susan wished the floor would swallow her up.
Mandy stood up, smiling.
‘Hi.’ Mandy looked at Jack and raised her eyebrows. ‘Who’s this you’ve got with you today?’
‘It’s my dad.’ Jack was watching Mandy, as if to see how she would react.
Mandy’s eyes widened ever so slightly and she glanced again at Michael, then smiled at Jack. ‘Well then, he’s very welcome,’ she said. She held out a hand to Michael. ‘Hello,’ she said. ‘Mandy Hope. Welcome to Hope Meadows.’
Michael took her hand and shook it, courteously bowing his head. ‘Lovely to meet you. I’m Michael.’
Susan risked another glance at Douglas. There were clouds in his usually clear blue eyes. She felt sick. She and Douglas had only been out twice. The second meeting hadn’t been a real date because of Jack, but he’d still made it fun. She could have told him about Michael, explained that there wasn’t another day he could meet Jack. Instead she had taken the easy way out.
And now
Douglas was moving. He pushed himself away from the wall and held out a hand to Michael. ‘Hello,’ he said. ‘Douglas MacLeod.’
Michael took Douglas’s hand. For a moment, surprise crossed his face as if Douglas had gripped his hand more tightly than he had expected. ‘Michael Chalk,’ he said after a moment.
‘Douglas is a local author and children’s illustrator,’ Mandy explained. ‘He’s been sketching.’
The pad Douglas had been using was dangling from the fingers of his other hand, Susan saw. He’d been drawing the kittens. The drawing showed them asleep in a pile. He was so skilled. Michael was looking at Douglas. Douglas’s eyes were still on Susan. ‘I did a reading at Susan’s nursery recently,’ he said, as if in explanation. Susan felt a fresh wave of guilt. If she had been honest with Douglas, he wouldn’t be meeting Michael unprepared. ‘I understand you are a dentist?’ Douglas said to Michael, his eyes darting back to Susan again.
Susan felt like a worm as she heard him refer to her lie of taking Jack to the dentist. He’s cross. And he has every right to be …
Michael was frowning. ‘No I’m not a dentist. I’m a lawyer actually, in York.’
‘Ah, my mistake,’ Douglas replied. Susan had never seen him so reserved before.
‘When are you coming to paint?’ Jack was looking at Douglas. His eyes were filled with hope.
Michael was looking at Susan now. For a moment, she was tempted to tell him Douglas was coming to the nursery to paint scenery, but then she’d be lying to Michael as well. Not that she owed Michael anything, she thought. It hit her suddenly that she didn’t want Douglas to see her lie to Michael. The feeling was unexpectedly fierce. What did it matter? She’d already been caught lying to Douglas himself.
