Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

  “Hey, boys!”

  Bella bristled at Noah’s loud voice assaulting them the second they walked out. He ran up and swung first Cooper and then Will up into the air, one on each hip, his big arms supporting them. She noticed his hat on the step, the only thing missing from his otherwise immaculate Navy uniform. The gold buttons were shining as brightly as the smile he was giving the boys, and even though she should have been happy to see their faces alight, she still bristled. Trust Noah to sweep in and manage to make even their parents’ funeral fun.

  “Are you traveling with us?” she asked, doing her best to keep her tone light.

  Noah made the boys squeal when he pretended to drop them, irritating her even more.

  “Noah! Don’t be disrespectful,” she muttered.

  He gave her a puzzled look, and the boys looked startled. Bella glanced away and wished she’d held her tongue.

  “Sorry—just trying to give these little guys something to be happy about,” Noah said, setting them on their feet and reaching for his hat.

  Bella wished the ground would open up and swallow her, but still—this was a day of mourning, and Noah should be more sensitive to that. “It’s just—”

  “I get it,” Noah interrupted, ruffling Cooper’s hair and getting another grin out of him. “Let’s go. I’ll drive; Bella can ride shot gun.”

  “We’re going with my folks,” Bella said, not moving.

  “I told them I’d take you.”

  “Please can we go with Noah?” Will begged.

  Bella forced a smile. “Of course.” It was the least she could do, given what they were going through. She had to remind herself that anything that made the day easier for the two boys was to be welcomed. “Let’s go.”

  She waved at her parents when she saw them and pointed at Noah, briskly following his long stride. He paused to hug and back-slap another guy in uniform, laughing before grabbing the boys’ hands and swinging them along beside him. Bella had always hated the way he made a joke out of everything, and today it annoyed her even more. It was her sister’s damn funeral, not to mention his best friend’s; could he take nothing seriously?

  Soon they were in her car, the boys in the back and Noah driving. She listened to their banter and kept her forehead pressed to the glass. The last thing she needed was to hear Noah talk crap, not when she was about to lower her sister into the ground.

  “You okay?” Noah asked, his voice breaking her thoughts.

  She realized the car had gone quiet. “No.”

  He didn’t say anything for a long while, not until she looked over at him, changing her position in her seat.

  “I’m just trying to make them smile, Bella. Surely even you can understand that.”

  Even her? What was that supposed to mean? Just because she wasn’t giggling her way through the worst day of her life. She rolled her shoulders back and grit her teeth. She wasn’t even going to answer that. He’d been back in the country less than two days, and already he was getting under her skin.

  “Let’s just get this over and done with,” she muttered.

  “And then we need to talk,” Noah said, his voice lower than usual, making it sound husky.

  Bella glanced at him, hated how damn handsome he looked in uniform. He was clean-shaven, his hair shorter than she was used to. The last time she’d seen him, he’d had shaggy hair and a straggly beard, no doubt trying to fit in to wherever he was being posted. Maybe that’s why she was so taken by his all-American appearance. His jaw was strong, matched the rest of his body, like he was carved from marble. He might manage to irritate her almost every time she saw him, but even she couldn’t deny how handsome he was.

  Bella had no idea what he wanted to talk about, but she’d planned on doing her best to avoid the man, not have a private conversation with him. She wanted at least some time to mourn her sister and brother-in-law in peace today.

  “We’re here.”

  They’d followed the two hearses, their car leading the others, and they pulled into a graveyard flanked by a long stretch of grass on each side. A shudder trawled Bella’s spine as Noah parked the car, and she slowly got out, forcing her feet to cooperate. She got Cooper out on her side and held his hand tight as they made their way around to Noah. He’d already gotten Will out, and she cringed as he lifted the boy up onto his shoulders. She wanted to tell him to put him straight down, but the look on Will’s face stopped her. He was close to tears again, and the last thing the little guy needed was her barking orders.

  “You okay?” she asked Cooper, her voice barely above a whisper.

  He glanced up and nodded, but she knew neither of them were any kinds of okay.

  “I don’t want them to put Mom and Dad in the ground,” he confessed, gripping her hand tight. “I don’t want to throw the dirt on them.”

  She bent down and wrapped her arms around him. “We can each throw a flower, then walk away. We don’t have to watch.”

  Cooper nodded and threw his arms around her for a quick hug. She held him, focused on her breathing as she tucked his little body against hers until he was ready to step back.

  “Ready?” she asked.

  He nodded and they set about following Noah again. It was only minutes later that they were all gathered around the two deep holes in the ground, where Lila and Gray would be lowered side by side, but for Bella it felt like an eternity as she stood there and waited. Her mom was on one side, shoulder pressed to hers, and her father on the other side. Gray’s parents stood to her right, with Noah the only person separating them. When she glanced at him, he smiled down at her, but she couldn’t bring herself to smile back. The sooner he left, the better, as far as she was concerned. He might have been Gray’s best friend, but he’d already disrupted the little bubble she had around the boys, and she wanted to get everything back to normal. Or as normal as life was ever going to be for them from now on.

  Bella tuned out as a prayer was spoken, watched as the first handful of dirt was thrown on the coffin. Cooper jammed his body to hers immediately, his hold on her hand almost painful, and she shook her head at her mom and pulled him away, walking away from the gathered crowd. When she stopped to take him into her arms, his eyes were wide, heart beating so hard she could feel it against her hand.

  “I don’t wanna throw the flower,” Cooper whispered, only just audible.

  “Look up,” Bella said, pointing to the sky, not about to make him do anything he didn’t want to do.

  Cooper did as she asked. “Why?”

  “Because remember how I told you Mommy was up there, in heaven?” Bella asked. “She’s up there looking down on us, making sure you’re okay. That’s just her body in that coffin. No one’s throwing dirt on Mommy because she’s already up there in heaven.”

  Bella wasn’t convinced she believed the words coming from her own mouth, but she said them anyway, prepared to do anything to comfort Cooper.

  “Your dad’s up there, too.”

  Bella turned at Noah’s deep, raspy tone. She watched as he carefully put Will down beside his brother.

  “You’re sure?” asked Cooper.

  “Positive,” Noah replied, bending so he was down at their level. “Your mom and dad are up there, along with some of my buddies I lost a while back. Everyone we love goes up there.”

  The boys exchanged glances before Will pointed to some trees.

  “Can we go climb them until it’s time to go?”

  “No,” Bella said.

  “Sure,” Noah said at the exact same time.

  She spun to stare at him, open mouthed as he ignored her and crouched low again to be on the boys’ level.

  “Go have fun,” he said. “Climb until it’s all over, and I’ll come get you.”

  They ran off without a backward glance, and Bella planted her hands on her hips.

  “You completely disrespected me,” she fumed. “Not to mention the fact that all those people over there expect us to be showing our respects.”

&
nbsp; He shrugged. Bella narrowed her gaze, suddenly certain he was amused by her anger.

  “I don’t actually give a damn what anyone else thinks,” he said, mimicking her pose, arms folded and making his jacket look like it was about to burst at the seams as his muscles bunched beneath. “Those boys have just lost their parents, and if they want to deal with it by climbing trees, then who cares? They shouldn’t be expected to do anything.”

  “Me. I care!” she hissed, wishing she’d just checked her anger and bitten her tongue.

  “I’m not here to argue with you,” Noah said, reaching for her and dropping his hand when she stepped back.

  “I’ve just lost my sister, Noah,” Bella choked out. “I just want to stand there and throw some damn dirt and bury her.”

  His smile was kind, but it still managed to irritate her. “Then go. I’ll watch the boys.”

  “They’re my responsibility,” she muttered. “The one thing she asked me to do.”

  Noah moved closer and she let him, not stepping back this time.

  “Bella, did Gray ever talk to you about who he wanted to look after the boys if something happened?”

  She dug her nails into her palm as she made fists with both hands. “Me. It was always going to be me. Lila made that beyond clear.”

  Noah’s sigh chilled her, the piercing look in his blue eyes telling her he was about to tell her something she didn’t want to hear.

  “I don’t want to argue, Bella, not now, but Gray always told me he wanted it to be me. That’s why I got back so fast. Why I managed to get leave at all.”

  Bella’s heart started to beat hard, her legs turning to jelly. Bile rose from deep in her stomach, burning her throat, but she swallowed it down, refused to be sick, wanted desperately to stay strong.

  “The boys are mine, Noah. Don’t you dare try to take them away from me,” she choked out.

  She was greeted with silence. Painful, long silence that stretched on too long. But his eyes never left hers, and she knew in that moment that he wasn’t going to back down.

  “Noah, please!” she begged, her voice barely a whisper.

  “I would never take them away from you or your family,” he said in a measured, low voice. “I’m just telling you what Gray’s wishes were.”

  “Yeah, well my sister made her wishes pretty damn clear, too,” Bella snapped, finding strength in her anger.

  “I plan on honoring his wishes, Bella. If that means we look after them together, then so be it, but I’m not letting him down.” he said, his tone firm. “I’m sure it will all be recorded in the will.”

  “Fine,” she muttered, holding her ground.

  “And Bella?”

  She wished she were sitting with her head between her legs, to fight the nausea, to let the blood rush to her skull.

  “Yes?” she managed.

  “I’m sorry. I’m just so damn sorry. They meant a lot to me, too.” His voice cracked as his eyes left hers, and he stared at his feet. Hearing the emotion in his tone made her tears start again, hot as burning embers as they started to stream down her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

  “Me, too,” she choked out, stumbling back a few steps.

  “I’m here for another day before I have to head back to my team,” Noah said, composing himself as he stood with his feet shoulder-width apart, back straight as he met her gaze. “I’ll be there for the will to be read, and I’ll be back on home soil within a month, maybe two.”

  Bella forced a smile. “Just remember that blood’s thicker than water, Noah. No matter what claim you think you have, they’re my nephews, and I’m not going anywhere.”

  She swore his eyes flashed with something, a hint of something she just couldn’t put her finger on. But then he turned and headed toward the boys, and she waited a long beat before collapsing to the ground. Sobs wracked her body like they had every few hours since she’d first received the news. She put her fist to her mouth, silently grieving her sister. Her brother-in-law. She understood why the boys didn’t want to go back to the burial, because she didn’t either, and if she didn’t have to stand there being brave for their sake, she wasn’t going to.

  Bella fought to catch her breath. Noah wasn’t going to take the boys from her, wasn’t just going to walk in and think he had rights to them. Or at least she wasn’t planning on letting that happen—not on her watch.

  Noah took his first sip of whiskey and grimaced as it bit his throat on the way down.

  “To Gray,” he said, holding his glass in the air.

  A handful of their military and Navy friends stood around him, glasses raised. “To Gray,” they echoed.

  Noah could feel eyes on him. He turned and saw Bella watching, her mouth drawn in a tight line as she stared daggers at him. He took another sip and stepped away, motioning for her to come join them. She shook her head and turned away, so Noah went back to toasting his buddy. He didn’t have the best track record with Gray’s sister-in-law, but he’d been close to Lila, and she’d always sworn that her sister was a lot of fun. The only time he’d ever seen so much as a glimpse of that had been at the christening of one of the boys, when she’d accused him of being a manwhore, and he’d laughed and crushed her body to his and kissed the hell out of her. She’d been willing at first, then slapped him hard across the cheek and hardly spoken a word to him since.

  “You remember when we were hazing him?” One of the guys was just about bent over double with laughter.

  Noah grinned. “Way he told it, you guys served it to him big time.”

  “More like he was a pussy and just about crapped himself!”

  Noah chuckled, about to take another sip as a warm hand closed over his forearm. He’d long since discarded his jacket, shirtsleeves pushed up to his elbows now that he was having a drink.

  “Care to join us?” Noah asked, knowing it would be Bella. He looked down and was rewarded with brown eyes the deep shade of chocolate, only they weren’t anywhere near as warm as her skin.

  “No,” she said, “and I need you guys to keep it down.”

  He took her by the arm and walked them a few paces away, out of earshot. “They’re remembering Gray,” he told her. “Everyone in the kind of job we’re in loses a lot of buddies, and having a drink and a laugh is the only way to deal with it sometimes.”

  Noah knew she was hurting, but the problem was that they’d never seen eye to eye.

  “I’m just doing my best to deal with this,” she said, eyes swimming with tears that made him uncomfortable, reminded him of why he was back in the US, standing in Lila’s parents’ house.

  “We all are,” he replied. “Which is why you need to let these guys grieve in their own way.”

  He watched as she bit hard on her lower lip. “Noah, about what you said . . .”

  Noah took a few steps back, grabbed her a drink and set it in her hand. She looked perplexed, maybe annoyed that he’d moved away when she’d started to speak, but she did raise it and take a hesitant sip. The face she pulled afterward made him chuckle.

  “That’s awful!”

  “Burns like a motherfu . . .” he let his voice trail off. “You get my drift. But after the burn it starts to numb, and that’s a good thing.”

  She sighed. “We’re always at loggerheads, but whatever Gray and Lila wanted, I’ll do it. And if that means you and I have to get along so the boys can spend time with you, then I’m just going to have to deal with it. Because if that’s what Gray said to you, then I’ll bet on him having put it in writing.”

  Noah took another sip, and she followed his lead. “That’s all we can do, Bella. I didn’t want this any more than you did.”

  She nodded. “I know.”

  He held up his glass. “To Lila and Gray.”

  “To Lila and Gray,” she repeated, clinking her glass softly to his.

  Noah chuckled and jumped when one of the guys grabbed him and held him in a bear hug until he held his glass to his lips and drank down the rest of the whiskey.
He saw the disapproval in Bella’s eyes, but he didn’t stop. Everyone had their own way to grieve, and this was his, with the guys, dealing with it the only damn way they knew how.

  Bella toyed with the stem of her wine glass as she sat alone at the dining table—the same table she’d often sat around with her sister and brother-in-law, eating home-cooked meals and ending up in heated debates about everything under the sun. She smiled as she reached for a letter, taking one she’d read at least a dozen times already since they’d passed.

  She touched the dog-eared edges of the paper and unfolded it, sucking back a familiar shudder of emotion as she read her sister’s handwriting. When she’d collected them at the time, saved every single one her sister had sent her over the years when she’d been posted overseas or away from home training, she’d never expected to reread them, missing her like crazy and trying to pretend like she was still here, still alive. And yet here she was, pouring over them every night once the kids were in bed, a lifeline to the past that she was sure she’d cherish forever.

  March 2011

  Dear Bella,

  It’s breaking my heart being away from Will. Remind me how I thought I’d be able to do this? Thank you so much for staying with Gray while I’m away. I honestly don’t think he’d cope on his own. He’s fine with all the practical stuff, but Will needs to be able to crawl into your lap for a cuddle. I’m not saying Gray isn’t good at cuddles, just that sometimes nothing beats a mom to snuggle up to with long hair and squishy breasts. Of course, you haven’t breastfed, so I’m sure yours are all pert and firm! Haha, seriously though, I think it’ll be good for you to hang out with Gray. You’ve known him for so long, but please, can you just take note of the way he treats you? That’s what you deserve, and I know you get all grumpy with me if I bring it up, but Serena agrees with me. Brody just isn’t . . . I don’t know. There’s something about him. I don’t like the way he speaks to you. He’s all sugar in front of Mom and Dad, but when we’ve been out and I’ve seen you two together, it makes me uncomfortable. I’m glad you guys aren’t living together, because I honestly think he’d try to keep you away from us if you were.