Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

  Maybe I’m just worried and paranoid because I’m stuck over here, and you’re at home, but still, just be careful. Make sure Will sees my photo every day, and play him my video clips. I don’t want him forgetting his mom.

  Love, Lila xoxo

  Bella wiped the tears from her eyes and carefully put the letter back in the box, putting the lid on and pushing it away. In time, she’d read some of the letters to the boys to help them remember their mom, but it had been a long day, and thinking about the past was only making what had already been a bad day even worse.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Two months later

  October 2014

  Dear Bella,

  I know I’ve already said it a million times over, but try to be nice to Noah, okay? He’s a really nice guy—you just have to give him a chance. He’d do anything for the boys, and that makes him a friend, not the enemy. Gray keeps saying that if you’d only say yes and go out on a date with him . . . Haha, don’t worry, I long since gave up hope of us all going out on a double date. But just be nice to him. He might come stay for a few nights when he’s back, and Cooper and Will love their Uncle Noah. It’s so hard for them having both of us away at the same time, not to mention my worst nightmare come true. But let’s not go into all that. I’m just pleased you’re there with them! You do realize that I fully expect you to get a sitter if you get asked out on any hot dates, though, right? Serena told me that she’s seriously on the lookout for you. Haha, wish I could see the look on your face right now.

  I’ll see you soon. Kiss the boys for me, and make sure you read to them every night for me. And don’t kick Noah out of the house if he turns up to stay!

  Love, Lila xxoo

  Bella sat at the counter and stared at the fridge. The paint-splattered pictures and randomly placed photos made her smile every time she looked at them, and today was no different. Except that today wasn’t a normal day. Today was the day that Noah moved in, and there was no way she was ready for him to arrive. It was early; the boys were still asleep, curled up in her bed together and leaving barely an inch of room for her, but they all seemed to sleep better when they snuggled. Half the time she woke with one body on top of her and one smooshed to her side, but she was getting used to it. Nothing about the past two months had been easy, but she’d made it, and that was all they had to do. She’d fake it until they actually made it out on the other side, and then she’d be able to look back on how tough everything had been with a smile. Or at least that’s what she was hoping.

  A knock sounded out, and Bella took a deep breath before rising. Maybe she shouldn’t have read the letter about him from Lila this morning, but she’d wanted to remind herself that her sister and Gray had loved Noah and had entrusted him with their boys for a reason.

  Noah unsettled her; he always had, but then she was also kind of looking forward to having someone else in the house to help her out. Dealing with the boys was . . . she smiled to herself, thinking of Will and Cooper’s little faces. They were angels a lot of the time, but when they were bad, she wondered how she’d even last another day. And the fact that she was almost looking forward to having some adult time with Noah, of all people, told her that maybe they were driving her just a little mad. There were only so many times she could soothe their anxiousness and explain why bad things happened to good people without wishing for help. Her parents had been amazing, but she was the one in the trenches day in and day out, and it was tough going at the best of times.

  But then having Noah here wasn’t going to be any kinds of easy. She’d settled into a routine of holding it together during the day, watching the clock until bath and bedtime, knowing she’d be able to collapse and lose it once the boys were in bed. Sitting at the kitchen table rereading Lila’s letters had become her own little ritual, a way for her to grieve without anyone seeing, and now she was going to have to keep her game face on 24/7.

  There was another loud knock and Bella swung open the door. Noah was standing on the porch, two bags at his feet. “Hey,” he said, looking awkward but smiling anyway.

  She smiled back, wondering if maybe she would have been better off struggling on her own than inviting the big bad wolf at the door in. Then again, it wasn’t like she’d exactly had a choice in the matter. They’d both been sitting there when the will was read, and Lila and Gray’s wishes had been as clear as the co-parenting agreement she’d had to sign with Noah. “Hey.”

  “Hey.” Noah raised an eyebrow as she leaned against the door. “Can I come in?”

  Her gaze swept over his broad shoulders, T-shirt stretched tight beneath his leather jacket, faded jeans, and scuffed boots. He was the kind of guy who always looked at ease, so damn comfortable that she’d always wanted to do something, anything, to wipe the smug look off his face. And all she’d ever managed to do was rile herself up in the process.

  “The boys are still sleeping,” she said as she stepped back, waving him in. “They’re getting better, but the crying every night is tough.”

  “They sleeping in bed with you still?” he asked, eyebrows raised.

  She bristled. “They’ve just lost their parents. I’m not about to march them back to their own beds at 2:00 a.m.”

  Noah held his hands up. “Just asking,” he said. “Gray always said they both crept in during the early hours. One of the things he loved about being home.”

  Bella wished she hadn’t snapped. But Noah just always seemed to push her buttons. Always had, probably always would. If she was like this when he’d just arrived, she hated to think what it was going to be like in a few days, a week, a month . . . . Hell, she hadn’t really thought this through at all. If the funeral and burial were anything to go by, they really weren’t to be trusted together at all.

  “Getting them into anything resembling a routine has been almost impossible, but at least now they’re not wetting their beds because I don’t try to get them to stay in their room,” she continued, not caring that he hadn’t meant to offend her. No matter how sympathetic he might be right now, he had no damn idea how tough caring for the boys had been.

  “You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”

  “Well, I’m just—”

  “Bella, I’m not trying to tell you how to be a parent. It was just a question,” Noah said, giving her a look that made her wonder if he was ready to run for the hills already.

  She took a deep breath and held up her chin. She wasn’t great at apologies, and although she knew she’d snapped, she wasn’t about to buckle and give him one yet anyway. “So you just got back, huh?” she asked, changing the subject.

  Noah nodded. “Yeah.”

  She knew better than to ask him where he’d been. “Want a coffee while we can sit in peace?”

  He nodded and left his bags in the hall, following her into the kitchen. “I can make it.”

  “No, it’s fine. You can pay me back by dealing with the breakfast rush when they wake up.” Truth was, she liked to stay herself busy to keep her mind off everything. The more her hands were working, the less her mind had time to wander off into dangerous thoughts that threatened to ruin the careful, meticulous fence she’d managed to build around herself and the boys these past few weeks. Not to mention her serene smile that masked the storm clouds that were brewing inside of her, the face she’d perfected to use whenever anyone asked her how she was or how badly she missed her sister. Her cracks only appeared at night, in the dark, when the house was quiet and the boys were long in bed. She gulped, not wanting to dwell on that again.

  “How do you take it?” she asked, composing herself.

  “Black. Three sugars.”

  Bella pulled a face. “Gross.” She was about to lecture Noah on the perils of sugar but changed her mind. Her sister had been sugar-free and organic for years, and in the end it hadn’t helped her one bit.

  “So how are the boys? Happy to be back at school and pre-K?”

  Noah had settled at the counter, leaning forward as he watched her.
It was unsettling being alone with him—after all the years she’d known him, they’d never actually been alone. Well, apart from one time, but Bella conveniently blocked the ill-advised kiss they’d once shared from her mind, not letting it surface. She’d been around plenty of military and Navy guys her entire life, with her dad and his friends, and then with her sister and Gray, and the only one she’d ever dated she’d sworn would be her last. She was the first to be thankful when it came to honorable, brave men and women serving their country, but date one? No, thanks. Marry one? No freaking way. First, there had been Brody. She grimaced just thinking of his name. Then there was the fact that she’d spent way too many nights, weeks, and months worrying about her dad not coming home to go through the same with a boyfriend or husband, and she sure as hell wouldn’t want her own kids to go through what she had. Only now she was a mom, technically, and her kids had Noah as their new dad, which meant despite her best efforts, she was in the exact position she’d never wanted to be in.

  “So I’m guessing you’ve confirmed everything at your end with the lawyer?” Bella slid Noah’s coffee across to him and took a sip of her own tea. She was drinking herbal, trying to get herself used to green tea and failing miserably. But using her sister’s fancy pink and yellow teacup at least made her smile.

  “I’m still kind of in shock, but I’ve already sold my place. Put mostly everything in storage, except the odd thing like my desk.” She shrugged. “This is home now.”

  Noah grunted. “It’s a lot to process. Especially the fact that they left everything jointly to . . .” His voice trailed off.

  “Us?” She laughed. “Yeah, that was the bit that shocked me the most, too.” Learning that all their assets had been left jointly to Bella and Noah had been unsettling, but they had to raise the boys, which meant they needed access to everything until the kids were old enough to inherit. They’d been entrusted with everything, and the weight of the responsibility was heavy on Bella’s shoulders at the best of times. Not to mention the fact that she’d sold her condo. She’d been so proud of owning her own place, of her business taking off enough to mean she no longer had to rent, and now it was gone like she’d never had it in the first place.

  “That shocked you more than them giving us joint custody?”

  She took a sip of tea, grimaced, and tipped it down the drain. “I’m still in shock over that, too. But I’ve had a couple of hands-on months to get used to the idea, I guess.”

  “Not liking your tea?” he asked, changing the subject.

  She frowned. “It’s disgusting. I’m trying to be healthy, but all I want is coffee.”

  Noah stood and moved around into the kitchen, flicking the kettle back on and taking the cup from her. She watched as he rinsed it out and dried it before making her a coffee, adding a spoon of sugar, and passing it to her.

  “This is what you should be drinking.”

  “If I wanted to be a diabetic,” she quipped, even though her mouth was salivating at the thought of sweet, sugary coffee.

  “If you want to survive looking after two boys and still keep smiling, take my advice.”

  Bella bristled. “Oh, because you’ve got so much experience?” Her face flushed from anger, wanting to get up and give him a big shove for walking in like he knew exactly what it was like to parent two kids.

  “I can imagine,” he said. “Do you want it or not?”

  Bella pushed it away just to make a point. “No, thanks.”

  He just shrugged like he couldn’t give a damn, and it made her wish she’d just taken the coffee instead of making a big deal out of it. But still, who the hell did he think he was?

  “How do your parents feel about this whole situation?” He settled back down next to her and wrapped one hand around the coffee mug. “Sorry—bad choice of words. I meant about the will. Us looking after the boys.”

  Bella took a deep breath. Her parents loved Noah. Always had, probably always would. It seemed she was in the minority getting all riled up by him, because he seemed to make most woman swoon, including her mom. And then there were Gray’s parents who lived an hour or so drive away but kept telling her how wonderful it would be when Noah was around to help take care of the boys as if it were the best thing in the world that she not only had to learn how to parent but to co-parent, too. She doubted she’d ever agree with that rationale.

  “They just want what’s best for the boys.”

  “So they don’t want to try to take over or anything?” he asked.

  Now it was her turn to raise her eyebrows. “Lila was always pretty clear with them that if anything happened, I was to be the one.”

  “Same here. With Gray,” Noah affirmed, the look on his face telling her he was used to getting what he wanted. “Every time before we shipped out or had to do anything that could risk his life, we’d have a beer, watch a game of football, and he’d make me promise to take care of his family.”

  Bella balled her fists. Maybe she was just really bad at sharing, but she hated that Noah had been left as much in charge as she had. The guy was a serial dater who’d never had a long-term girlfriend and spent more time offshore than he did on US soil. How the hell was he supposed to be ideal dad material?

  “You’re pissed, aren’t you?” he asked.

  “No.” She got up and poured a glass of juice for something to do, wishing they hadn’t been sitting so close. Just because she liked to think she was immune to his charm didn’t mean she wanted to be so near to him that she could smell his citrusy cologne. The way he looked at her—hell, the way he looked at all women . . . it was like his dark eyes could see straight through her, like he was giving her every inch of his attention, as if she were the most important person in the world, and it unsettled the heck out of her.

  “So I thought I’d take the boys tree climbing again,” he said, draining his coffee and taking the cup around to load it into the dishwasher—and sending her back to her seat just to keep some distance between them.

  “Because it was such a great idea last time?” She tucked her long hair behind her ear for something to do, trying to stay calm.

  “They seemed to enjoy it.” Nothing seemed to faze Noah, and he sure as hell didn’t seem to be picking up on her signals. Or maybe he just didn’t care.

  “Noah, we have to talk about how we’re going to make this work. I mean,” she sighed, “you need to respect my boundaries and what I’ve put in place with the boys’ routine, and we need to talk about all the other stuff. All of Lila and Gray’s stuff.”

  “You mean like what we’re going to do with the house and the cars?” he asked.

  “I’m not selling the house if that’s what you’re getting at.” She made a fist and found it impossible to unclench. “Their wishes were set out very clearly.”

  “For God’s sake, Bella, what the hell is wrong with you?” He was glowering at her now, dark brows pulled together, his gaze almost black as he stared at her. “I wasn’t angling to sell the damn house!”

  “What’s wrong with me? I’ve just lost my sister, Noah, that’s what’s wrong,” she hissed.

  “Yeah? Well in case you’ve forgotten, I’ve just lost my best friend. The one person in the world who actually gave a damn about me. So how about we cut the crap and you just tell me what the hell I’ve done in this lifetime to piss you off so bad.”

  Noah wasn’t easily riled. He was used to being in stressful situations and dealing with a lot of crap, but Bella annoyed the hell out of him. One minute she was sweet as pie, sugar, and all things nice, and the next she just about snapped his head off.

  “Let’s get a few things straight before the boys come down,” he said, trying to channel his inner negotiator. He was not going to lose it over her attitude, not when he was trained to deal with high-octane situations for a living. And he wasn’t going to admit to her that he didn’t have a clue what to do in this situation, because he wasn’t used to going in to a job blind, but this was exactly what he was doing here.
>
  He watched as she reached for her glass, even though there was hardly anything left in it. Her hands were visibly shaking, and she looked close to tears, but they needed to establish some ground rules. He was hurting, too, and he wasn’t going to be treated like crap for stepping up to follow his friend’s wishes, just because he was out of his depths.

  “What’s that?” she finally said, voice low. Her eyes met his—dark pools of emotion, swirling with pain and disbelief as she blinked, the gold flecks more visible than ever. But there was also a softness there, a beauty in the way she looked at him that made him wish they weren’t always at odds.

  “Number one: I’m not going anywhere. If you think you can be a bitch and push me away, then you’ve marked me as the wrong guy.”

  “Oh yeah?” she snapped. “If you think that’s me being a bitch, then you really have no idea.”

  Noah raised an eyebrow. “You’re kidding? If that wasn’t you being a bitch, then maybe I should run for the hills.”

  Bella bit down on her bottom lip, eyes downcast, before bursting into laughter. He smiled back, watching as laughter quickly turned to emotion, and tears started to run down her cheeks. Noah went to move forward, knowing he should comfort her, but not comfortable with crying. Was he supposed to give her an awkward pat on the back, or would she bite his head off for touching her?

  “I’d lend you a handkerchief, but I don’t seem to have one on me,” he joked, patting all his pockets.

  “Don’t,” she whispered. “No jokes.”

  “Am I that bad for trying to keep things positive?” he asked, putting some space between them again as he stepped back. “I’m just trying to do the right thing.” What he needed was for her to give him a damn break, tears or not.

  “No,” she murmured, clearing her throat. “I just don’t like crying in front of you, and you joking just makes me feel even more stupid.”

  “We all cry. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”

  Now it was her raising an eyebrow. “You’re telling me that Mr. Tough Navy SEAL can shed a tear?”