Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

  “You think I’m that much of a bastard that I wouldn’t cry over losing my best friend?” Whatever he’d done to make her dislike him so much, he’d sure been convincing. “Christ, Bella, I’m not made of stone.” He wasn’t about to let her see him get all emotional, but she was giving him some serious shit right now.

  “I just didn’t think you’d cry,” she clarified. “Not that you wouldn’t be upset. Sorry.”

  “Uncle Noah!”

  Saved by the kid. Cooper screamed his name and came hurtling toward him, barefoot and running fast across the wooden floor. He’d never been more pleased for a conversation to be over.

  “Hey, buddy!” Noah said, jumping off his chair and dropping to the ground, arms open. Cooper never slowed—just launched into his arms. Noah tipped backward, pretending he’d been so fast that he’d knocked him clean over.

  “Geez, when did you get so strong, huh?”

  Cooper leaned back and showed off his teeny muscles, hands bunched, dropping his soft toy to the ground.

  “Wow, you’ve definitely been working out,” Noah said, squeezing each bicep before reaching for the fallen bunny. “And who’s this guy?”

  “No one,” Cooper muttered.

  “Doesn’t look like just no one,” he said, examining the worn rabbit. “Looks pretty loved to me.”

  “That’s Flopsy,” Bella said, suddenly standing behind him and reaching down for the toy. She cradled it in her arms and dropped a kiss to the toy’s head. “And he’s very special. You don’t have to act all tough guy to impress Noah.”

  Noah glanced up at her, recognized the frown, and cleared his throat, scooping Cooper up with him as he stood. “No way. I had a . . . uh, dog toy when I was a kid. Took him everywhere with me.”

  “You did?” Cooper looked surprised, one arm looped around Noah’s neck as he stared into his eyes.

  “Yep, I sure did. Hell, I’d take this guy everywhere with me if I were you. I need to get me one of these Flopsy guys.”

  Cooper glanced at Bella and reached out a hand, taking the rabbit and tucking him under his other arm. “Yeah. Okay.”

  Bella shot Noah a grateful look, and he smiled back at her. He was going to have to learn to read her if they were going to make this co-parenting thing work, although he was guessing that could be easier said than done. Lucky he’d done some serious time with the boys whenever he’d been on home soil, because it was paying off now.

  “So where’s your brother?” Noah asked, walking Cooper with him back into the kitchen and opening a cupboard door.

  “Asleep.”

  “Coco Pops or Fruit Loops?” he asked.

  Cooper made a face and pointed to the bread instead. “Just toast.”

  Noah set him down and put a couple of slices in the toaster. “How about you go get him, and then we can all have breakfast together.”

  Cooper ran off, Flopsy being dragged by the ear as he shot through the kitchen and ran up the stairs.

  “Was that true?” Bella asked.

  “Was what true?” He turned and flicked the kettle back on before leveling his gaze on Bella.

  “What you said about your toy dog?”

  He chuckled, even though there was nothing funny about what he was about to tell her. “Bella, I was a foster care kid. I was lucky to have the clothes on my back, and until I found Gray’s family, I hardly ever went to school with food in my belly.” He shrugged. “It was a long time ago, so don’t go feeling sorry for me, but no, I never had a dog. Or any toy for that matter. Just me.”

  “But you said it anyway,” she murmured.

  “I love those boys like they’re my own, Bella. Always have, always will. That means anything they need, whatever they need me to say, I’ll do it.” He paused, staring at her. “I might not be a natural with them, but I’ve had to work damn hard for everything in my life. That means I ain’t no quitter, no matter how tough the going gets.”

  Footsteps echoed out above, thundering feet as the boys ran down the hall and continued down the stairs.

  “Sorry for being a prize bitch,” she said, arms folded over her chest as she watched him.

  “Apology accepted,” he said straight back, happy to move forward.

  Bella smiled. “Good.”

  They both laughed as the boys skidded on the floor and bumped into him, the lighter feeling between them a relief to Noah. He glanced up at Bella, saw the way she looked at the boys. She might not like him, but he was sure as hell going to find a way to make this work. Because like it or not, they had both been booked for this parenting gig, and the only way to move was forward.

  “Noah!” Will yelled, arms wrapped around his legs so tight he couldn’t move even if he’d wanted to.

  “Hey, buddy. How’s my little soldier?”

  He dropped when Will finally eased up his commando hold, and pulled them both into his arms. Will was two years older than Cooper, but he was tall and lean, where his brother was built like a little tank.

  “You guys been good for Bella?”

  “Yup,” Will said, eyes shining with what Noah guessed was excitement.

  “Did you just get back?” Cooper asked, quieter now that his brother was up.

  “Yeah, I arrived back in last night and took the first flight I could to get home to you guys.” He was seriously jet-lagged from all the flying. He had been in the Middle East for the better part of the last couple of months, but it had been worth all the hours now that he was with the boys. He was just lucky this had been a short deployment and not like his last six-month one.

  “You shoot anyone?”

  “Cooper!” Bella exclaimed.

  “What?” he asked, shrugging like it was the most normal question in the world. “I asked Dad that all the time.”

  Noah glanced at Bella, then at Cooper. “And what did your dad say all those times?”

  “Only the bad guys,” Will answered before his little brother had a chance. “He always smiled and said he only shot the bad guys so we could all sleep easy.”

  Noah’s smile faltered, but he quickly auto-corrected it. It was some kind of messed-up shit that left him, and not Gray, here with the boys. “He was a pretty awesome dad.” It was the truth and also all he could think of to say. Tears welled in his eyes, emotion like a fist to his gut as he swallowed it back and took a deep breath, refusing to let it surface in front of the boys. Or in front of Bella.

  “Yeah,” Cooper said.

  “You sure he’s not just over there killing bad guys?” Will asked, head cocked to the side as he looked up at Noah. “Like, hiding in the hills going pow-pow-pow,” he asked, holding his fingers up to make a pretend gun, “and waiting for when he can come home?”

  “Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” Noah said softly, on his knees now with an arm around each of the boys. “But I sure as hell wish I was wrong.”

  Noah looked up at Bella, smiled sadly as tears streamed silently down her cheeks. There was nothing he wouldn’t have done to bring Gray back. Hell, Lila, too. She’d been like his sister, and Gray his brother in every way except blood. He’d have died for either of them, sacrificed himself a hundred times over to keep their family together, to give the boys the fairy-tale upbringing he’d always wished for as a kid. To make sure Gray had his wife, and the kids had their mom.

  Because he knew what it was like to be the boy without a mom or dad. To be the kid looking at all the dads at a ball game and wishing he had his own sitting on the bleachers cheering him on. To have a mom to snuggle up to and wrap his arms around tight and never let go. These were things he’d never had, but it had never stopped him from imagining what could have been.

  He was going to be a dad to these boys no matter what it took, and no one, not even Bella, would ever be able to stand in his way. He didn’t care if he was the crappiest dad around, so long as he was there and he was trying.

  “Come on, guys, no tears this morning,” he announced, winking at Bella. “We’re going out for pancakes.”

>   “Pancakes?” Bella asked at the same time the boys screamed, “Pancakes!”

  “Yeah, pancakes. Waffles. Whatever you guys want, so long as it’s drowning in real maple syrup. What do you say?”

  “Yay!” squealed Will.

  Cooper held up his hand for a high five.

  “It’s a school morning,” Bella whispered, her tone firm. “I don’t want to be the bad guy here, but—”

  “Screw school,” Noah muttered, watching the boys, loving the way they smiled and shoved each other, reminding him of the way he’d always been with Gray. “It’s just one morning. I say we need to have some fun.”

  He stared at her, looked into eyes that reminded him of milk chocolate, not breaking the stare even as her gaze threatened to turn him to stone.

  “Noah,” she said, lowering her voice and turning her back slightly so the boys couldn’t see her face, “I’ve spent the past two months doing everything in my power to keep things normal for the boys, to keep them in a routine. They’re going to school today, and they’re having breakfast here.”

  He smiled but shook his head. “I appreciate that, Bella, but sometimes in life you’ve just got to live in the moment. And in this moment, we’re going out for pancakes. I’m starving, and the boys deserve to enjoy themselves.”

  “Noah . . .” she cautioned, her look fierce as he turned away from her.

  “No school today, boys,” Noah announced, not about to let Bella ruin a morning off for the boys when what they needed was some fun after everything they’d been through. “We’re going to stuff ourselves with syrup, run all that sugar off at the park, and then we’ll come home and you can show me how good you are at shooting hoops. What do you say?”

  The boys whooped and yelled and ran back upstairs, and Noah grinned as he watched them, not fazed by Bella staring daggers at him.

  “Don’t give me that look, Bella. I’m not your husband, and besides, it doesn’t suit you.” Her face flushed a deep red, and he shrugged. “If you don’t want to join us, head in to work or go to the gym or something. Hell, get your nails done.”

  “Don’t act like I want to get as far away from the boys as I can,” she seethed, hands on hips. “I don’t want to drop them at school to get rid of them; I want to keep them in a routine, to keep some normalcy in their lives.”

  “I never said you didn’t,” Noah said, softening his tone, not wanting to piss her off to the point of no return. “I’m just saying that if you want some time to yourself, take it. Otherwise, put a smile on that dial and come join us.”

  Bella stared at him for a long moment before disappearing upstairs, the rage just about steaming off her. He was trained not to underestimate anybody in combat, yet the first mistake he’d made where Bella was concerned was to do exactly that. She might be cute and tiny with a ponytail that bounced when she walked, but she was only sugarcoated on the outside. He was pretty sure he’d bargained for a lot more than he’d realized when he signed the co-parenting agreement, and that was before he got to thinking about the kids themselves.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Bella was so tired it was like her eyeballs were only hanging on by a thread and could fall out at any minute. She gratefully sipped her coffee when it arrived, happy to sit back and let Noah take the lead with the boys. She should have just done what he said and gone to the gym, let him have them for the morning, since it was his fault they weren’t in school. But after two months of making all their decisions and being with them all the time, it just wasn’t that easy to walk away. She’d no idea whether Noah was capable of looking after them. And it was all very well that he was super fun and full of enthusiasm now; she only hoped that he’d actually stick around when the going got tough. Like bath time, bedtime, tantrum time, crying-for-mom-and-dad time . . . She blew out a breath and looked out the window, redirecting her thoughts. She couldn’t let her anger show in front of the boys. She and Noah needed to present a united front to them.

  “You okay?”

  She looked back and straight into Noah’s eyes. His gaze was locked on her, and she was powerless to pull away from his intense stare. Bella reached for her coffee again to break the spell.

  “Not really,” she admitted, not seeing the point in lying.

  His smile was kind, but she wasn’t ready to pretend that everything was fine after the way he’d undermined her that morning.

  “Uncle Noah, are you going to marry Bella?”

  She almost dropped her coffee cup. “Cooper, no one’s getting married.”

  “Maybe we should,” Noah quipped back, eyebrow arched and laughter in his gaze.

  “Yeah, that’d be cool,” Cooper said, grinning and nudging his brother with his elbow.

  “Um, except for the fact that it won’t be happening,” Bella said, not about to let the boys get all carried away just because Noah enjoyed teasing.

  “Bella’s got cooties—that’s why I can’t marry her.”

  “What’re cooties?” Cooper asked, looking confused.

  “Girl germs,” Noah whispered, head bent low to the boys as if it would stop her from hearing.

  They squealed with laughter, and Bella reached over and thumped Noah on the arm, smiling when he howled with pain and cradled his arm. She had to admit, the boys were in great spirits with him around, and taking the morning off from school had meant no tears about leaving her or crying that she might not come back, either. They were terrified of losing her now, didn’t really understand how their parents had gone away for a holiday and never come home. Not that she was ever going to admit to Noah that it hadn’t been the worst idea in the world.

  The boys went back to eating their pancakes, and Bella leaned into the seat, coffee in hand. She didn’t have a big appetite at the moment—not after everything. Unlike Noah, who was devouring a plate of eggs, bacon, and hash browns like he’d never eaten in his life.

  “Noah, we need to talk about keeping the boys in a routine,” she said, only bringing it up because the boys were now content, eating and playing with their superhero toys. “I make sure we’re up at the same time each day and that we follow the same routine to the letter before heading off to school, to avoid any tantrums or excuses. I’ve had to learn to be strict, but kind.”

  “Sounds good,” he said, laughing at something that Will said and pretending to shoot Spiderman, which made the boys giggle.

  “Noah! You need to take this seriously,” Bella told him, holding her coffee with a shaky hand.

  He looked up and gave her a quick salute. “I got it: routine, no tantrums, strict.”

  She wished he got it, that he didn’t have to try to turn everything into a joke or a good time. “I need your support, Noah. We have to be a team, and I’m just trying to get you up to speed.”

  Bella reached for her fork again and started to push a piece of pancake around on her plate.

  “You’re too thin,” he said out of the blue.

  She stared at him, gripping her fork to keep from dropping it. “Excuse me?”

  “I’m just sayin’. You look better with a little meat on your bones, and you need to eat to keep your strength up.”

  She bit down on the inside of her mouth, not wanting to snap at him in front of the boys. “My weight is none of your business,” she said in a low voice, “and I’m not exactly finding it easy to keep food down right now.” She also didn’t like the idea that he’d noticed that she used to have more “meat on her bones.” She wondered which part he was talking about because she’d lost it everywhere—including her butt and her boobs—the parts of her she didn’t really want to lose. “You know, I have no idea why Lila liked you so much.”

  “Oh yeah?” he muttered, smarting from her words.

  “Yeah,” she shot straight back.

  Noah took another mouthful of bacon, put his fork down, then leaned back into the booth seat. The casual way he moved, the way he didn’t seem to give a crap what anyone thought, it made her wild, made her blood boil to the point whe
re she wondered if he just did it because he knew it annoyed her.

  “Your sister was my closest female friend,” he finally said, hands behind his head, making her want to stare at his arm muscles even though she was trying so hard not to. “We were pretty tight, and I would have taken a bullet—hell, a hundred bullets—to save her.”

  “Oh.” Bella didn’t know what to say, but she’d walked straight into that one.

  “Gray was my best mate, and she meant the world to him. I cared for her like she was my own sister, and before you ask, I’d have definitely told her if she was starting to look all skinny, too.”

  Bella forced a smile. “I bet you wouldn’t have.”

  “Yeah, I would have,” he said with a grin, eyes shining with emotion after talking about Lila. “And she would have told me to stop checking out her ass, and then Gray would have given me a bloody nose. But I still would have said it.”

  They both laughed. “You really liked her that much?” Bella asked, all jokes aside.

  “I did,” he confessed, drumming his fingers across the tabletop now. “She was a great girl, a great wife to Gray, and a damn fine mom.”

  Bella was touched by Noah’s tribute to her sister. It was heartfelt and genuine. She swallowed a lump in her throat.

  “They had a lot of fun as a family,” Bella said. “I want to do everything I can to replicate that, but we also need to be careful that the boys keep learning. That they keep up their little friendships at school to maintain that normalcy. And for the record, I take back what I said about doubting why Lila liked you so much.”

  Noah nodded an acknowledgment of her sort-of apology and considered Bella. He got what she was trying to say, and it wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate what she’d done. Hell, she’d been the sole parent to two grieving kids, and by all accounts she’d done a damn fine job of it. But they were different people, and he’d put money on it that Gray would have wanted the boys having fun and not taking anything too seriously, especially given what they’d been through.

  “There is everything to lose here, Noah,” Bella continued. “This isn’t just you needing to be the fun uncle—this is real life.”