Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

  “I meant to tell you earlier, but I have to head back to base. Tomorrow, if I can.”

  Bella froze. She clenched her fingers together, the little bubble of happiness she’d felt at listening to the boys giggle and talk disappearing like it had never existed in the first place.

  “You’re being deployed?” she asked.

  Noah’s face softened, his smile kind. “No Bella, I’m not. If I was deployed, you’d know about it, because one minute I’d be here and the next I’d be gone. Fast. That’s usually how it works for my team.”

  She gulped. “So you’re just . . .”

  “I need to get back, see some of the guys. It’s hit everyone pretty hard.” He looked sad. “There will be memorial services to attend, too.”

  Of course: the helicopter going down. She hadn’t spoken about it to anyone after he’d told her, but it was all over the news now, so it was no longer a secret.

  “Does the whole thing mean you could be deployed sooner, though, because of the men they lost?”

  Noah shook his head. “No. They’re part of a different SEAL team.”

  She hadn’t asked him questions about how he was able to take so much leave or whether he was just between deployments. She didn’t know or understand how the whole thing worked. All she knew was that she liked having him around, and she was nowhere near ready to face the prospect of losing him. Not yet.

  “So you’ll be gone a few days?”

  “I’ll be home Thursday night. Maybe you could call me as soon as the mail comes?”

  Bella rose, taking the towels down from the heated rails and placing them close to the bath so Noah could reach them. “Sounds good. I’ll let you get out.”

  She was numb walking across the hall into the boys’ room, and she dropped to the bed and waited for them to come running in, wrapped in their fluffy white towels, with wet hair and little bodies wrinkled from being in the water too long.

  Noah pulled up outside the house, turned off the engine, and leaned back in his seat. He was knackered. Seeing the guys had been great—he’d missed them like hell—but it had also drained him. Losing Gray had been hard enough, especially on top of everything else he’d had going on, but attending the services for the men who’d been on the Chinook? Damn. The graves were marked by white headstones now, part of a row of men killed in combat. The only saving grace was that their bodies had been recovered so quickly, or at least the three guys they’d buried the day before had been. There were still more to come. Which meant there were more men to say good-bye to and more services to attend in their honor, as well as reliving so much of what he’d seen in person.

  Noah was craving sleep, more because he wanted to escape his thoughts than from genuine tiredness. He was trained to go without, although all the training in the world wouldn’t make him voluntarily give up his eight hours a night.

  A tap on the window made his eyes open, the noise putting his body on high alert.

  “Sorry!”

  If it had been anyone else, Noah would have glared, but it was hard for him to be angry with Bella. She had a wide mouth, her smile making him forget everything when he was cast in her web, and her brown eyes showed her emotions. Right now they were dancing, vivid, but at other times, when he knew she was thinking about her sister, they were damp and swimming in sadness. Even then she looked beautiful, but nothing beat her infectious smile right now. But he’d had the time to do some thinking while he’d been away from her. What was happening between them was so confusing. He owed it to her to be more honest about himself, about what she was getting herself into. But then part of him just wanted to enjoy the happiness they had and not worry about the future.

  He pushed open his door. “It was too nice sitting here in the sun. Thought I’d get some shut-eye.” It was a half lie, because he’d been sitting thinking about her, not sleeping, because he hadn’t expected anyone to be home.

  “I’m just about to go collect the boys,” she said, reaching into her bag and plucking out a letter. “This came.”

  “Oh yeah?” Noah had all but forgotten about it. “What are we up to tonight?”

  Maybe that’s why she was so happy. “Ugh, the shooting range. You’ll probably love it, but I’m just happy I got to sit in the sun, drink my coffee, and read something from my sister.”

  Noah matched her smile, but he wasn’t so convinced her happiness was a good thing. The letters from Lila were sweet, and he was grateful that they’d brought Bella and him together, but he was smart enough to know that they weren’t going to go on forever. Maybe this was the last one, or the one after could be. Whenever they stopped, he knew it was going to hit Bella hard.

  “You okay to go get the boys without me?” he asked, taking the letter from her.

  She smiled at him, the sun shining down on her face. It made her look younger than she was, as if she didn’t have a care in the world as she held up her hand to shield her eyes.

  “No problem. Mind if I take your wheels? My car’s in the garage, and you’re blocking me.”

  Noah nodded and passed her the keys, but his hand brushed hers and connected for a moment. Bella took hold of the keys but didn’t remove them from his palm, stepping closer and standing on tiptoe to press a soft, warm kiss to his cheek.

  “It’s good to see you,” she whispered.

  “You, too,” he managed, voice gruff. He refused to give in to his instincts and wrap his arms around her right there in the driveway. If something happened between them . . . no. He placed his own kiss against her skin, to her forehead. Whatever the hell was going on with Bella and him had to stop, no matter how badly he wanted it to be otherwise.

  Noah backed up. “See you soon,” he said, heading for the house.

  Bella looked confused for the split second he watched her before walking away, but he chose to ignore it. He’d lost enough in his lifetime already, and he didn’t need to let anyone else close. Even if it hurt like hell to admit it. And besides, once she knew the truth, knew everything about him and what he’d done, maybe she’d want him the hell out of Dodge anyway. He pulled out the letter and leaned against the hood to read it.

  November 2014

  Dear Bella & Noah,

  I know there’s every chance that the two of you are so sick of each other, being in the house all the time and trying to get on with everything, that the last thing you want to do is spend even more time together. But part of me hopes that I’m completely wrong and you’re loving hanging out. Maybe that’s the part of my brain that needs to believe everything’s okay even though I’m gone. All I can do is hope, right?

  Bella, you’re gonna hate the sound of this, but I want you guys to go to a shooting range. Let’s not start a political debate here (for the record, Noah, Bells is a die-hard Democrat, and she’s not so convinced that the current gun legislation is tough enough). Anyway, just give it a go. Noah, show her what you’re made of, make her see what a thrill it is to feel the weight of a gun in her hands, waiting to squeeze the trigger to take out the target. I reckon she’ll love it.

  And maybe it’s about time you started to show her the real you. I’m just sayin’. ☺

  Lila xoxo

  Bella wasn’t sure if she’d done something to upset Noah or if he was just struggling with what he’d been through back at base. Either way, she was determined to enjoy herself, more to prove her sister wrong than anything else. But so far there was nothing about the shooting range that she liked, except for the man walking beside her. Noah had stopped to talk to the manager, discussing things she had no idea about, and finally they were ready to start.

  “Do I need a bulletproof vest or anything?” she asked.

  Noah’s mouth kicked up into a smile as he glanced down at her. “No vest. I have no plans for trying to shoot you.”

  She tucked her arm into his, surprising herself by how comfortable she felt around him. The four days with him gone had passed slowly, and although she didn’t mind taking care of the kids solo, it was
better with Noah around.

  He pulled away, and she was about to protest when she realized he’d stopped for a reason.

  “This is the rifle range,” Noah said as casually as if he were telling her the temperature. “I thought we’d do this rather than handguns, given your pro-liberal stance.”

  “Ha-ha,” she muttered, staring at the large guns waiting to be used, “I don’t have a big problem with guns—not when they’re used correctly, but I’ve just never wanted to shoot anything before.”

  Noah held up his hands. “Hey, I don’t particularly want to shoot anything live either. I’m not into gunning down animals for sport, and I don’t like when I have to take someone’s life out in the field, but I do it to save my own ass and my brothers’ asses.”

  She shuddered, a vibration trailing the entire length of her spine, tingling its way through her body. She didn’t even want to think about the situations he’d been in with a gun. “So you’re gonna show me what to do?” Bella asked.

  Noah nodded. “It’s about time you knew how to use one. I bet you’ll love it.”

  “I seriously doubt that.” The truth was, she was kind of excited, even if she didn’t want to admit it.

  He ran through some safety tips with her before lifting the gun and passing it to her, positioning it in her hands. Noah moved behind her, his big arms circling her body. Bella breathed out and relaxed into his hold, loosening up and refusing to be daunted by the gun or scared by the man. The latter was troubling her more than the guns, which were at least taking her mind off what they were about to do.

  “I want you to put the butt of the gun just here,” he said, guiding the rifle up so it was sitting where he wanted it. He pushed her right elbow out, made her hold it high. “When you look through the lense, focus on the target and place your trigger finger gently, ready to squeeze it.”

  Bella was focused, or as focused as she could be with the warmth of Noah behind her, his chest to her back, his mouth so close to her ear as he guided her. He was a great teacher, she’d give him that, although she was pretty certain this wasn’t the way he’d learned to shoot. His arms encircled around her made her feel safe, as if there was no possible way she could come to harm with him in charge.

  “When you have the target lined up, I want you to take a deep breath and then slowly exhale,” he murmured to her. “When your body is relaxed and your breath is halfway out, that’s when you squeeze the trigger.”

  She did as he instructed, breathed out, and pulled the trigger. The slight kickback of the gun took her by surprise, and she lifted her head.

  “Sorry—I should have warned you about that,” he apologized. “But good going for a first shot. You’re a natural!”

  Bella blinked and squinted into the distance, seeing that she’d managed to hit the target, just not square in the middle.

  “Huh,” she murmured with a grin. “Not bad.”

  Noah looked proud when she turned to face him. “Must be the incredible teacher you had.”

  She laughed. “Can we go again?”

  “Go for it. We’re the only ones here right now, so we might as well make the most of it.”

  Bella picked up the rifle again—she’d slung it down after her first shot—but hesitated. She liked the idea of trying another shot, but she much preferred the idea of being in the circle of Noah’s arms again.

  “Would you mind showing me again?” she asked, smiling as sweetly as she knew how.

  Noah didn’t hide his surprise, eyebrows shooting up at her question. He took her hands in his and slowly lifted the gun higher, positioning her again from behind. This time, when she was ready to squeeze the trigger, he stayed in place, not moving away. His body was hot, and hers was getting hotter by the second, flames shooting through every part of her. She shot again, hitting her target almost perfectly, but she never lowered her gun, not until he made her, his hands guiding it down as carefully as he’d aided her in raising it.

  “You did good,” Noah whispered in her ear.

  Bella let him make the rifle safe, waiting, hoping that something was going to happen. They stared, eyes locked, watching one another for what felt like forever. She reached for him, touched her palm to his cheek, thumb rubbing gently across stubble that she guessed had been there for a couple of days already.

  “I missed you,” she confessed.

  Noah opened his mouth, looked like he was about to say something, then turned away. “My turn,” he eventually said.

  Bella felt rebuffed, but she didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Instead, she stood back to watch him. He collected a different rifle, loaded it, and settled in, raising the gun so fast as he effortlessly hit his target, over and over. When he finally stepped back, gun discharged, the look he gave her left her cold.

  His eyes, usually blue and bright, seemed dull, his mouth braced in a tight line.

  “What is it, Noah?” she asked.

  “You did great tonight,” he replied. “I reckon you get the thrill now, huh?”

  She nodded, but she wasn’t fooled by his turning the conversation around on her. “You want to talk?”

  He grimaced. “There’s so much you don’t know about me, Bella. I had time to think while I was away, and I need to be honest with you. I just . . .” He didn’t want it to come out wrong. “I’m just not cut out for a relationship, and I think you need to hear why before you decide if you even like me.”

  She pursed her lips. “Seriously? You actually think I could dislike you more than I used to?”

  His frown told her he was serious. “Yeah.”

  “I think we need to get a beer then,” she said. “Or a strong coffee.”

  Noah pointed back the way they’d come. “There’s a bar in there. Nothing fancy, but it’ll do.”

  “Sure thing.” She let him do what needed to be done with the rifles, and then they walked toward the bar. There was less than a yard between them, but Noah was being careful not to touch her, so it might as well have been an ocean separating them.

  He’d decided on whiskey. Noah had never been a big drinker, but since he’d started opening himself up little by little to Bella, it was exactly what he needed right now. Besides, he knew he was more than likely going to be called up again soon, knew he wasn’t going to be extended much more leave before he was back in training or deployed. His final decision about the promotion he’d been offered was hanging over him, strangling him with its constant presence. There was one job offer firmly on the table, an instructor position that on paper looked great, but it wasn’t active and he loved action. But the other job on the cards was making him think. It was higher up and more strategic, with more responsibility. It would mean him making a difference still, working from base but assisting and advising in high-octane situations. Only that offer hadn’t been made yet, although he knew he was one of only two candidates being considered.

  He was so close to walking away from the job he loved, the job that had always meant more to him than anything else, and the worst thing about it was that he couldn’t talk to anyone about his plans. Only his superior knew about them, as he’d put feelers out for different positions for him within the Navy. It was the thought of no longer being beside his brothers out in the field that was so hard. Tougher than hard—it was as good as paralyzing.

  “What’s troubling you?” Bella asked, the softness of her voice enough to make him smile.

  Noah stared into eyes that reminded him of milk chocolate. “I’m trying to make some decisions that affect us all,” he admitted.

  “Decisions you can’t talk to me about?”

  Noah nodded. “Yeah.”

  They sat in silence a while longer, both spending more time looking at their glasses than each other. Noah knew he needed to open up to Bella more, tell her why he kept pulling away, but talking about his feelings hadn’t ever come naturally to him, and he doubted it ever would.

  “Are your night terrors still happening?”

  Bella’s que
stion surprised him. “Yup. I doubt I’ll ever be able to sleep like a civilian again. They’re not something new—more of an ongoing thing.” What he didn’t tell her was that one of the only nights he’d slept easy was the one with her and the boys in bed, and other mornings for a few hours solid when one of the kids, usually Will, crawled in with him.

  She touched his hand, reaching across the bar, fingers curling over his. “So it’s not just this particular one that troubles you?”

  Noah frowned. “Sadly, no. But you know I don’t, uh, talk to anyone else about all that stuff, right? The whole night terror thing is just between us.”

  “Oh yeah, and all the other girls’ whose beds you wake up in all tangled in the sheets.”

  He chuckled. “First of all, I haven’t woken up in your bed yet. And secondly, that’s why I keep things casual, don’t have many . . .”—he grinned at her—“sleepovers.”

  Bella groaned and shoved at him, her hand leaving his to push at his shoulder. “Gross. And you have actually woken up in my bed, that very first night when the boys were all needy.”

  Noah cleared his throat twice, wanting to open up to Bella, but not sure how to find the words. And then she looked at him, her face so open and her eyes so kind and bright, that he knew he had to.

  “After you told me about your ex and why it made you have this idea about military guys, I’ve been wanting to be honest with you. I’ve wanted to tell you about my past, and I think it’ll help you understand why I can’t get into something with you. Because when I was growing up, bouncing around different homes, I had it pretty rough,” he told her.

  Bella moved so she was facing him, beer bottle cupped in her hands as she gave him her full attention.

  “I didn’t have a lot, but I did have a girlfriend. She was a runaway, living on the streets, and we looked out for each other. She taught me the ropes, how to stay safe and all that kind of stuff, and I . . .” His voice trailed off, the memories still hard to process almost two decades later. “Let’s just say I was a pretty mature fourteen. I was fifteen before Gray’s family took me in, but even with everything going on, I kept going to school, lied about where I was living, showered in the gym, managed to keep my head above water and avoid drugs.”