Letters to Love
Page 16
Her eyes were wide. “I didn’t know you actually lived rough,” she said. “I just thought you had it tough in foster care.” Noah nodded in reply.
“Her name was Bree, and she was older than me,” he continued, not wanting to stop now that he’d started. “I loved her like I’d never loved anyone in my lifetime before, and I would have done anything for her, but every little bit of money she got together went straight into her arm.”
Bella gasped, eyes never leaving his even as her brows pulled together at what he’d just said. “Heroin?”
Noah breathed deep, saw Bree the way he’d found her. “I tried so hard to get her to stop, to look after her, but I was only a kid. One day I came home from school, and she wasn’t there. She was gone. I searched and searched, and when I finally found her, she had a cord wrapped around her arm, needle on the ground beside her. Her eyes were rolled back into her head, her lips purple.” Noah downed the rest of his beer. “She was gone.”
Bella had tears in her eyes as she pulled her bar stool closer, hand dropping to his thigh. “I’m sorry.”
He sat up straighter and motioned for another drink, glancing at Bella’s and seeing it was still over half full. “It was a long time ago, but losing her has made it tough for me to let anyone too close, to care too much about another woman like that.”
“Is that when Gray’s family took you in?”
“Yup.” He pulled some notes from his wallet and put them on the counter when the bartender slung him another whiskey. “I didn’t turn up for school that next day, just stayed with Bree’s body. Gray was the only friend I had and the only person I’d been honest with about my living conditions. He came searching for me the next night, he and his folks, and they weren’t taking no for an answer. His dad gave me an ultimatum, told me that this might be my one and only chance to make a better life for myself, a lifeline when I needed it most.” Noah paused, remembering the way Gray’s father had held out his hand to him and never budged until he’d finally grasped it back. “It took me about five minutes to process what they were offering me, and I was smart enough to know I had to say yes. They took me in that night, fought tooth and nail to keep me, and I give them full credit for the man I am today. For who I was able to become.”
Her smile, as usual, was kind. Although maybe he just kept on thinking of it as being so kind because he’d never seen this side of her before, until he’d moved into the house. Previously, he’d been more often tasked with her frown, her eyes cast skyward whenever she’d realized he was joining them.
“It’s a pretty awesome success story, rising from the streets to being one of the country’s most elite fighters.”
Noah shrugged. He’d never needed or sought out praise, but at the same time he was sensible enough to know that she was right. The media was filled with negativity, particularly about kids who’d grown up rough and just ended up rougher and tougher as adults. And it was one of the reasons he wanted to help other young people. But it wasn’t the reason why he’d just opened up to Bella.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m not good at relationships. Letting anyone too close, opening myself up to experiencing loss like that again. I loved Bree, even though I was only fifteen when I lost her.” He paused, considering his words before saying them. “I’d lived so much by then, had experienced so much, and the way I felt for her wasn’t just some teenage crush. I haven’t let another woman get that close to me again.”
Noah was glad they were the only people in the bar, the music low. It was easy to talk, and he didn’t have to worry about anyone overhearing them.
When Bella spoke, he found himself leaning forward to hear her, to connect with her. Her words were considered, careful when she was usually so much more organic with him, seeming to say whatever was on her mind.
“You want me to know this because you think I don’t see the real you. Is that it?”
He went to speak, then shut his mouth, took another burning sip of whiskey. “Or maybe I just want to you to know that if I’m giving you mixed signals, it’s because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
“For the record, I think we’re both pretty mixed up about . . .”—she hesitated, then motioned between them—“this. Us. Whatever the heck’s going on between us is all kinds of confusing. But I’ve already realized that every thought and assumption I’d made about you was off the beaten track. I owe you an apology.”
He shrugged. “No, you don’t. I was a jerk to you because it was fun playing on you being uptight and wanting everything to go perfectly whenever we were all together. It’s not unusual for the sister of the bride to want the bachelorette party and pre-wedding day dinner to go off without a hitch when she’s spent months organizing them. Or the boys’ christenings or birthdays. I deserved it all, every time I received the wrath of Bella.”
“How about we just call it even and start fresh. Put all that behind us and just”—she smiled—“move on.”
“And this?” he said, not sure how to express himself. “We just let this be what it ends up being?”
“I like you, Noah,” Bella said, her voice lower than usual, eyes darting to the side, tongue flicking out to moisten her lips. “I never thought I’d say it, but I do. I’m starting to realize why Lila cared for you like she did.”
“This was the side of me your sister got to see. The real me, not the me I try to be for the rest of the world.”
She stood and leaned forward, pressing a warm kiss to his cheek. She lingered, her breath soft as she murmured. “I’m the one person you don’t have to pretend with—not anymore.”
Noah stayed still, rooted to the spot, until Bella stepped back and nudged her glass further over, clearly not wanting to finish it. He took her cue, drained his, then grabbed his wallet and keys and headed for the door. He held it open for her, waiting for her to pass through, admiring the curve of her butt in the tight jeans she was wearing as she walked a few feet ahead of him. They got into the car silently, neither of them saying a word as they drove home. He kept glancing at Bella, but her eyes were trained straight ahead, her expression hard to read. Until she reached for his hand, her touch light, and she didn’t let go until he pulled into the driveway. Then she was silent as she looked at him, eyes wide, before slowly getting out of the car and heading for the front door.
Noah couldn’t take his eyes off her, wished to hell he wasn’t so screwed up about relationships. Because if ever he’d wished he could rewrite his past and start afresh, it was now, but even if he could, there was still something he hadn’t told Bella, something she might hate him for keeping from her. She was so beautiful, so perfect in so many ways. Only Noah didn’t need perfect. He didn’t deserve perfect. Not for a second did he believe he deserved anything in life, and he sure as hell knew he wasn’t good enough for a woman like Bella. Never in a million years.
The house was deathly quiet. The interior was dark except for the soft low lights in the hall and the one out front that illuminated the porch and reflected back inside; otherwise, it was just her, standing alone, breathing softly and trying to get to grips with her thoughts. Noah. She should have run a mile when he’d told her about his past, should have withdrawn emotionally anyway, but instead, it had only made her want him all the more. Because all the manwhore comments she’d once thrown his way, the anger she’d felt at the way he was so casual about his relationships with women—suddenly it all made sense.
Bella listened to his footfalls in the silence as he made his way up the three steps to the porch. Any minute now he’d be walking through the front door, which meant she had about thirty seconds to decide what to do.
“Bella?”
She sucked in a big breath and checked her nerves the moment she heard his deep, sexy voice. Everything about him was so . . . unnerving. But instead of being scared of him, it only made her want him all the more.
Bella turned as she heard the door shut behind him. She moved toward him, crossing the couple of ya
rds that were separating them and recognizing the surprised look on his face as he first watched her, then in the split second as surprise turned to . . .
She didn’t let him say anything. Didn’t hesitate. Didn’t give him the opportunity to question her or tell her no.
Bella stormed the final few steps and reached for his face, one hand to his cheek, the other clutching the hair at the back of his neck as her lips parted and she kissed him, mouth frantically covering his, desperate to explore every inch of him. To taste him and savor him, to lose herself to the desire pooling in her belly, her want for him numbing everything else.
“Bella . . .” he muttered, but she ignored him, pressing hard to him and forcing him against the wall.
If he wanted to stop her, he could have easily, could have pushed her back or gripped her arms and forced her away, but Noah showed no sign of wanting to put an end to what she was doing to him. Bella’s kisses were hungry, but Noah’s were hungrier, his mouth catching up to hers and taking charge, the keys falling to the wooden floor with a jangle as he cupped her bottom and pulled her up into his arms. She locked her legs around his waist, groaned when he spun around so she was the one with her back to the wall. For so many years she’d played it safe, hadn’t been with any man, let alone allowed him to take charge, but she trusted Noah. His arms were strong, his touch firm and his intentions clear, but nothing about him physically scared her.
His mouth pulled away from hers, his breathing heavy and hot as he stared down at her, their lips only just parted. “I think we should take this upstairs,” he muttered, kissing her again, plucking at her lips.
Bella moaned as his tongue found hers again, so gentle this time, driving her wild, making her tingle all over like she hadn’t in . . . forever. She’d never felt desire like this, was desperate to explore every inch of Noah’s skin. It was forbidden, it shouldn’t be happening, but there was nothing she was going to do to stop it.
“Let’s go,” she managed when he let up long enough for her to catch her breath.
His arms were locked around her as tight as her thighs were against him. “You sure about this?” he whispered.
She nodded, kissing his jawline. “Yes.”
“I can’t offer you more,” he said solemnly. “I wish I could, but I can’t. We can’t.”
Bella looped her arms around his neck. “I know.”
He hesitated, waiting as he stared at her like he was expecting her to change her mind. But she had no intention of stopping what they’d started.
“This is enough,” she said, even though she’d never had casual sex before and had no idea why she was telling him she didn’t need more when she sure as hell wanted more from him than one night in bed. “We’re still just friends.”
He kissed her so tenderly she would have slipped straight off him if he hadn’t been holding her. And then he carried her up the stairs like she was a featherweight, bracketed in his arms, with her head against this chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart as he stealthily took her to his bedroom.
CHAPTER TWELVE
August 2007
Dear Bella,
I think I’m in love. I can’t stop thinking about him. About his kisses, his hands . . . OMG, he has the most beautiful hands. So strong, but so gentle. Ugh. I know I sound like a lovesick teenager. Please go around for dinner to Mom and Dad’s on Sunday night, because he’s going and I want you to meet him. He might be taking a friend, a guy that’s like his brother. He sounds nice—maybe you should meet him? It would be so cute if we could double-date.
Nothing’s happening here, just boring training at base. I wish I were home so we could go out for a drink and talk. I miss you, wish we hadn’t wasted so much time being at loggerheads. See you soon, Sis.
Lila
Bella lay in Noah’s arms, their bodies slick with sweat, sheets tangled beneath them. She kissed his chest, absently ran her fingers across his skin, tracing every inch of him, wishing they were alone in the house instead of having to be as quiet as mice so they didn’t wake the boys up or, even worse, Gray’s mom, who was in the guest room at the other end of the hall.
Noah was silent, the only noise his breathing as his chest rose and then fell. She propped herself up on one elbow and looked down at him, pushing her hair back as it fell over her shoulder and down onto Noah.
“Leave it,” he murmured, eyes half-closed. “It feels nice.”
She grinned and tossed it back so the long strands were against his bare skin again. “You work out way too much,” she muttered.
Noah made a noise that she guessed was a laugh, his chest jumping. “Why’s that?”
“Because no man’s body should ever look this good.” She bent to kiss him again, kissing a path all the way to his nipple. She pulled up to look at his tattoo, the edge of it visible from where she was, on his upper arm.
“You don’t strike me as the kind of girl who likes guys with tats,” he said as she scrutinized him.
She raised a brow. “I’m not, unless they mean something. I’m guessing yours are SEAL related?”
He nodded, sitting up and pulling her with him, leaning back into the pillows. They hadn’t had time to rid the bed of all the dress pillows and cushions, although most had scattered to the floor.
“I got the trident-and-eagle one on my arm when I made the SEALs,” he told her, arm twisted around so she could study it. Bella traced the outline with her fingertips, admiring the black ink. “The year I made it, the dropout rate was over ninety-five percent. It’s usually a little better in the odds department than that. I went with the other guys, and we all got tats.”
“What—the rate’s actually more like ninety usually, right?” she joked.
His face was serious. “Yeah, something like that.”
Bella bit her lip. She’d known it was tough, but she’d thought it was a rumor that it was actually that competitive. “And the one on your back?”
She hadn’t seen the back one properly—only a glimpse of it when she’d seen him without his shirt in the bathroom. Tonight she’d been a whole lot more interested in his front than his back. Bella smiled as she thought about what they’d just done, how she’d behaved. She was always the one who waited to be asked out when it came to guys, so taking the initiative and making it dead clear to Noah what she wanted from him wasn’t exactly something she had a whole heap of practice at.
He sat forward, leaning low so she could see his shoulder from behind. “The grim reaper seemed a good idea at the time, when I was nineteen and excited about the idea of blowing bad guys apart.”
She studied it, surprised by how dark and sinister it appeared, so unlike how she thought of Noah. “You wish you didn’t have it?”
He sat back up. “No, it’s part of my history, a period of time I went through, so I don’t regret it. I just wish my younger self hadn’t had quite the same outlook as he had back then.”
Noah settled back, and she lay against his chest again, listened to the steady, calming beat of his heart. She had no idea where they went from here, but so long as she was in his arms right now, she didn’t want to think about what came next. As if reading her mind, Noah’s left arm encircled her, held her to his body as he dropped a kiss into her hair. They were naked and relaxed, somehow coming together just when she’d worried things were going to fall apart.
“Just when I close my eyes, the boys are going to wake up,” she whispered, lids heavy as she snuggled back further into Noah, using him as her pillow.
“And then Judy’s going to poke her head out the door and see you making a naked dash across the hall,” Noah said with a chuckle, his big chest rumbling against her ear.
Bella gave in, let her eyes flutter, so tired and so relaxed that it was impossible not to submit to slumber.
“Bells?” he asked, his other arm coming around her as he said her name. “Sweetheart, slide into one of my T-shirts, and we can go jump into your bed. That way you’re ready for when they wake.”
“Come on,” he insisted, swinging his feet down and rummaging for a T-shirt for her.
Bella grumbled when he passed it to her, but she couldn’t complain once she had it on. His scent surrounded her, the faint aroma of his cologne clinging to her senses as she wrapped her arms around herself and enjoyed the soft, worn fabric against her skin. Noah pulled on a pair of boxers, and she admired his torso and arms again, his thick thighs. The only difference this time was that she didn’t give a damn that he knew she was checking his body out, not after what they’d just done.
“Let’s go,” he whispered, holding out his hand.
Bella quickly scooped her clothes up to take with her and padded silently out into the upstairs hall and across to her room. She dumped her clothes on the ground and pulled back the covers, slipping into bed at the same time as Noah. She turned and backed into him once he’d flicked off her bedside lamp, wriggled back so she was hard against him as he spooned her. She could feel his arousal, knew that she was teasing him by wiggling so hard against him, and as much as she wanted him to pleasure her again, to do wicked things to her again and again, somehow she slipped into slumber without even realizing it.
When Noah woke, he reached for Bella. Usually he woke exhausted from a less than peaceful sleep, but for the first time since he’d been in her bed last, he’d woken thinking of the night before . . . and without being tired. Without even stirring. Only his hand didn’t connect with Bella like he’d expected. It connected with something that burst into giggles.
His eyes popped open, and he looked straight into Will’s, bright blue and full of laughter.