Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

  “We’ve been watching you,” Will announced.

  Noah pushed up to see Bella with her eyes still shut, Cooper lying half over her and playing with a strand of her hair.

  “I haven’t been,” she mumbled without moving. “It’s all on them.”

  “What time did you guys come through?” Noah asked, running a hand through his hair.

  That made Bella sit up, suddenly awake. “Remember, you carried Will through and decided to stay in bed with us all?” she asked, giving him a look that reminded him of the fact that it was not normal for him to be waking in her bed.

  He flopped back down. “Oh yeah. I just didn’t, ah, glance at the clock when I brought him in.” Noah winked at Bella and enjoyed the blush he received in return.

  “Can we play?” Will asked.

  Cooper wriggled over Bella and made her groan, no doubt painfully elbowing or kneeing her in a tender place on his way over.

  “Transformers. I’ll be Commander Starscream,” Will announced.

  “I’m Bumblebee!” squealed Cooper.

  “And I’ll be Arcee,” Bella said, laughing at him. “She’s the only girl one, so I don’t get much choice. You, on the other hand, are probably allowed your pick.”

  Noah found it hard to take his eyes off her, searching her face, wondering whether he’d just fucked up the only good thing he had. Because he was finding it hard to convince himself that Bella honestly believed that them having sex hadn’t complicated things and that they were still just friends.

  “Hey, Noah?” Cooper suddenly asked, his expression thoughtful as he clambered over Will and curled up beside him. “Do you ever think about Dad?”

  Noah choked up, his throat instantly filled with emotion at the way Cooper was looking up at him, so trusting and open. “Yeah, buddy. All the time.” He looped an arm around him and kissed the top of his head, leaning over to do the same to Will. “All the time, no exaggeration.”

  “Me, too,” Cooper said. “I wish he was still here. And Mom. I miss her so much.”

  “So do I, buddy, so do I.” Noah kept his arm around him, met Bella’s tear-filled gaze, and realized that no matter how easy one individual moment might feel, nothing about what they were doing was easy or okay.

  “I know you stayed all night in Bella’s bed,” Cooper added, changing subject like they’d just been having a conversation about something as nondescript as the weather instead of his father’s passing. “It’s okay to want to cuddle her. She tells us that all the time. Her cuddles are nice and warm and soft.”

  Noah laughed then, his sides heaving, close to splitting as he laughed harder than he ever had in his life. Bella joined him, tears spilling down her cheeks as she laughed and laughed, the boys looking on like they were both crazy. If only all he wanted from Bella was a cuddle, life would be so much easier.

  Noah stared at his hands. During the day, he could clearly see that there was no blood on them. He wasn’t crazy. But at night . . . he shuddered. Nothing in his training could have helped him to deal with the night terrors he’d experienced since the deployment he’d been on when everything had turned to shit. When he’d held one of his men in his arms, blood all over himself, covering every part of him and drenching his clothes as he hauled the guy to safety. Only to lose him before their backup arrived, before he could get him into the Chinook. And then there were the brothers who’d been gunned down alongside him.

  He leaned down on the counter, wishing he could block the memories and just force them away forever. When he was deployed, he was focused—nothing clouded his judgment or hindered his thoughts. But that was because he’d never formed relationships that meant he couldn’t give his all, never given that part of him away to anyone. All that had changed now, and it terrified him.

  “I’m just heading out again,” Bella called out.

  Noah hauled himself up, didn’t want her to see him like that. There was so much he still needed to tell her, about why he’d stepped up for the boys, what he was thinking of doing. He just had no idea how to blurt it all out.

  “You need me to collect the boys this afternoon?” he asked.

  She leaned in the doorframe, dressed for work in a pencil skirt, pretty blouse, and heels. She looked gorgeous, and what he wanted was to storm the distance between them and forget about everything with her in his arms, her body jammed against his, pillowy lips surrendered to him.

  “Noah?”

  He blinked. “Sorry?”

  “You look like you’re a million miles away,” she said. “I asked what you thought of going to my folks’ place for dinner. Mom’s been asking, and she just left me another voicemail. I don’t think I can keep avoiding her.”

  He grinned. “I love your folks. Phone and say yes, and I’ll meet you there tonight, so you can work all day.”

  Bella hesitated, folded her arms across her chest, and then gave him a shy smile before coming closer. “About last night,” she started.

  Noah reached for her, stroked his fingers down her shoulder. “We don’t need to talk about it. It just . . .”—he smiled—“happened.”

  She looked embarrassed. “I don’t want things to be awkward between us.”

  “Hey, you’d already seen me naked in the bath. This was just me getting one back.”

  Bella leaned into him, and he put his arms around her. “Last night was great, but we’re still just friends, right?” he murmured.

  She nodded against his chest, probably thinking the same thing he was: that they didn’t have a choice. “A friend that needs a hug every now and then to combat the severe sleep deprivation I’m experiencing these days. I think natural moms have different hormone levels—you know, after childbirth and all that. Must help them.”

  He chuckled, moving a step back, hands on her shoulders now. “I dare you to say that to a group of moms and come away without war wounds,” he joked, liking how easy things felt between them.

  She laughed. “I’ll see you tonight. I think Dad’s been looking forward to seeing you again.”

  He nodded and watched her go. He knew he made it look easy, the way he was with the boys most of the time, but in reality it was anything but. Opening up to the boys was natural in a way, but he had to force himself to be so relaxed with them, to shut down the side of him that was always on the defensive and used to keeping everyone at arm’s length. And Bella? She’d done something to him. For years he’d tried to get under her skin, had wanted to irritate her enough to get her attention, desperate to kiss her again after the fleeting fumble they’d had when she’d been tipsy. Trouble was, now that it had happened for real, he had no idea what his next move was. He couldn’t let her down gently and move on; they lived in the same house, for God’s sake, and besides, he didn’t want it to be just a one-night exchange—he still needed more. But how could they sleep together again without things starting to look a lot like a relationship?

  Noah stared out the window, watched her SUV reverse out the drive. He wanted her in his bed, body warm to him, stopping the nightmares. He wanted her naked skin skimming his, wanted to kiss her over and over until her lips were plump and pink.

  He grimaced and continued to stare out the window at nothing in particular. It was time he was strong and put an end to what was going on. He just had no idea how the hell he was going to do that without ruining everything.

  Gray’s dad has always taught him that honesty was the best policy, but right now he wasn’t so sure.

  Bella walked into the café, trying to keep her shoulders back and her head held high, even though it was almost impossible. She was long overdue coming in, but she hadn’t exactly been looking forward to it or had a lot of spare time on her hands. She gripped her purse tight, remembering the last time she’d walked through the doors, the day when she’d been so worried about Lila, even though a voice in the back of her head had been telling her that everything was fine, that she was being silly. If only she’d flicked back a few texts to Corey rather than complete radio
silence.

  “Hey, stranger.”

  She gulped and forced herself to keep moving. “Hey, Corey.”

  “I was starting to think I’d never hear from you again.”

  Bella smiled. “Guilty as charged. I’m sorry.”

  “You’ve got a lot going on—I get it.”

  She knew he was still expectant, though, that he wasn’t going to be prepared for what she was about to say. In her experience, good-looking guys were very rarely used to being the one let down, and she had no idea where to start, except by being honest.

  “I’m really sorry that I haven’t called you back. It’s why I wanted to come down in person and see you.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “I’ll make you a coffee, and we can grab a table and chat. It’s still quiet.”

  Bella hesitated, wishing she were better at this sort of thing. “Corey, I had a really good time the other night . . .” she started, clearing her throat.

  His smile faded but didn’t disappear entirely as he looked up, no longer focused on the coffee he was making her. “Why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming?”

  She was the one forcing the smile now. “I’ve been through so much these past few months, and if I’m perfectly honest, there’s someone else.”

  He pushed the cup that was supposed to be hers to the side. “It’s that guy, isn’t it? The one you’re living with?”

  Bella balled her fists, not sure what to say. Her nails were digging into her palms, her discomfort rising. “I really don’t want to go into details . . .”

  “Look, I get it. Maybe we would have had a chance before, but after everything you’ve gone through and the situation you’re in?” He shrugged. “I guessed as much, to be honest, after the way he looked at you. That buzz we’ve had between us kind of fizzled the moment we went out together, right?”

  Bella took a deep breath, grateful that he was being so understanding. “So I can still come in for coffee? Because you make really great coffee.”

  Corey laughed and stepped around the counter, opening his arms and giving her a friendly hug. “No hard feelings. Just keep me in mind if you have any cute single friends.”

  They both laughed as she hugged him back. “I sure will. You’re a great guy.”

  Bella waited for him to make her a takeout coffee and then left, waving at him over her shoulder as she did so and feeling relieved. They’d only gone out once, but letting him down had seemed impossible. She needed to learn to back herself more often.

  She jumped in her car, put her coffee into the holder, and dialed her assistant. She ran through some tasks she needed her to do and let her know where she was going to be, then called Serena as she drove.

  “I was just thinking about you,” Serena said with a laugh when she answered.

  “Oh, really? Were you seeing me let down the sweetest guy in the world?”

  She could almost see Serena frowning. “Eek, no. Sorry. I take it you told Corey he wasn’t the one?”

  “Yeah.” Bella groaned. “He was so cute, but it just wasn’t meant to be.”

  Serena stayed silent except for a long sigh.

  “I haven’t seen you in so long, and there’s no way I’m going to have any free time this week.” Bella missed her friend. With Lila gone and not enough hours in the day to even chat to Serena, she was feeling like a ship all alone at sea. Noah was great, but he was different, their relationship still awkward in so many ways, even though they were spending so much time together. “I miss you.”

  “How’s Noah?” Serena asked. “And I miss you, too. Just in case that’s not implied.”

  “Want to meet him? Noah, I mean.”

  “What? Are you kidding me! Yes. All I remember is that he was handsome and cute. I’m a little hazy on the details from whenever it was I last saw him.”

  Now Bella was the one laughing. “Just promise me first that you never fooled around with him? At Lila’s wedding or anything? I couldn’t stand it.”

  “You like him, don’t you? I mean”—Serena exhaled—“you seriously like him.”

  “Maybe.” Yes. “I don’t know. But I need to tell you something else—we’ve been getting these letters . . .”

  “Letters? From who?”

  Bella’s breath was shaky as she let it go. Just telling someone else even a little bit was a huge step, instead of holding on to it as her little secret, something that only Noah knew about.

  “From Lila. She wrote them before she died, and I’ve been getting them every week for a little while.”

  Serena was silent. “From Lila?” she asked, her voice unusually soft.

  “We’re going around to Mom and Dad’s tonight for dinner. I know they’d love to see you, so why don’t you come, too? I’ll tell you all about it then, but it’s just between you and me.”

  “Okay. I can’t wait to hear more.”

  Bella laughed. “I’ve stunned you so much, you haven’t even asked the one thing you always ask me.”

  Serena laughed back. “What’s she cooking?”

  Bella burst out laughing. “Seriously, is that what you’re making your decision on?” She was pleased she’d called her friend. They always had the same silly conversation whenever her mom asked Serena over; it was a long-standing joke that Serena only said yes when she heard the menu, because Bella’s mom always cooked whatever Serena requested. “Fried frogs legs. What do you say?”

  “You should have started with that. I’d have said yes straightaway.”

  They both laughed. “For the record, I still haven’t forgiven you for the whole date thing, but I’m prepared to let it go. And second, she’s doing her famous sweet-and-sour chicken over rice. I put in the request.”

  Serena made a noise that sounded like her smacking her lips together, and Bella gave her the time and said good-bye. Then she left a voicemail for her mom, telling her she had another guest, knowing she’d love to see Serena. They’d been best friends through school, with Serena spending as much time at their place as she could, since she was a friend of both Bella and Lila. They’d had a lot of fun over the years, and she was part of the family, the kind of family friend who could just pop around for a coffee uninvited or let herself in with the key hidden under a stone near the front door. Which was something Serena had done a lot when her parents were going through a divorce.

  Bella turned up the radio, determined to enjoy the rest of her drive time. Between the boys and work, she hardly had any time to herself, with no one talking to her or touching her or wanting her. Or all three at once. She needed to make the most of every moment on her own. And keep her brain off Noah, which was easier said than done. Especially when all she could think about every time she wasn’t busy was the slow, gentle curve of his smile, eyes the color of the ocean on a perfect summer day, and that body of his, carved from pure muscle. She turned the music up even louder.

  Noah marched the boys from the car, trying to be stern. He wasn’t good at being the tough parent, but this was one of those times that he didn’t have much choice.

  “You know I’m still very angry, right?” he muttered as he kept a hand on each shoulder, walking them up to the house.

  They were both quiet until Cooper let out a giggle and slapped his hand over his mouth.

  “If you’re so angry, why do you keep cracking up?”

  Noah made a grumbling sound that came out as more of a growl, but it didn’t seem to worry, let alone frighten, them. “I’m not cracking up.”

  “Yeah, you kind of were,” Will said.

  “Bella is going to kill me. I mean, who do you think is going to clean all that up?” Noah asked, shaking his head and wishing he’d had time to clean up before driving over. But they were expected at six, and he hated being late more than he hated leaving a mess behind.

  “Hey boys!” Christina, Bella’s mom, came rushing out the front door, arms open wide and bending low as the boys ran toward her.

  “Grandma!” they both shouted.

  �
��Oh, wow,” she exclaimed, looking at Noah over the top of their heads. “And wow again.”

  “They got into the face paint while I was trying to tidy up the house.”

  Christina cracked up as she glanced from face to face.

  “See! Grandma thinks it’s funny, too!” Cooper said excitedly.

  Noah groaned. “Do you see what I’m dealing with on a daily basis? They’re killing me. And Bella’s gonna kill me.”

  They all had a laugh, and Christina ushered them into the house as he followed. “Don’t worry—I’ll get them cleaned up.”

  They’d left a trail of paint through the living room at home, not to mention the state of the bathroom after they’d tried to wash it off their arms and hands. Now it was just their faces covered, completely smeared in green, yellow, and red paint.

  “Hey, Noah,” Bella’s dad called out as he walked through the kitchen. “Come take a load off.”

  Noah smiled gratefully and joined James on the sofa. “Seriously, the respect I have right now for stay-at-home parents is insane.”

  James chuckled. “I hear you, son. Whenever I was home from deployment, I’d take the girls to give Christina a break, and I swear it was tougher than anything I went through when I was serving.”

  They both chuckled, and Noah felt strangely comfortable. No matter what either of them said, child care was nothing on some of the things they’d seen. Tougher in many ways and requiring huge mental strength, but the mundane details of being a parent . . . it wasn’t comparable to seeing children left burning and still alive alongside their blown-to-pieces parents in a war zone, friends dead alongside you when just a moment ago they’d been talking shit about life back home. Those were the unsaid things hanging between them and why he liked spending time with Bella’s dad.

  “So how’s my girl?” James asked.

  Noah looked up, smiling as the boys ran through, arms out in the air as they pretended to be planes and received a raised-eyebrow look from their granddad when he caught sight of their faces.

  “She’s good. Coping well.” Noah watched as James rose, crossed into the kitchen to take a couple of beers from the fridge, passing him one on his way back. “I think she’s stronger than anyone probably ever realized.”