Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

  They were silent a few minutes, clinking beer bottles and both sitting back to take a sip.

  “She always was strong. Lila was the one who showed everyone how strong she could be, but Bella was always the strong silent one. Determined, but without anyone having to know about it.”

  Noah met her dad’s gaze. “Sounds a lot like me.”

  He laughed. “Yeah, which is why I always wondered why you managed to rub her up the wrong way so bad.”

  Now it was Noah laughing. “You noticed that, too?”

  “The whole world noticed it,” James said, still chuckling. “But things seem a little less heated lately. I hope she’s giving you a break.”

  “She hates what I do,” Noah said bluntly.

  “Yep, no way to sugarcoat that. But it ain’t so much that she hates what you do, as it is how scared she is of losing you. It puts kids through a lot having a parent serve, so give her time.”

  Noah considered his words. He shouldn’t be talking about work with a civilian, but then James was a retired lieutenant general who had served most of his lifetime and dedicated everything to the Army. He needed to talk to someone, and right now that someone being James felt right.

  “What would you think of me if I said I was thinking of retiring?” he finally asked.

  James studied him, leaning forward and watching him. “I’d ask if you had rocks in your head,” he said bluntly. “You can’t give up being a SEAL to be a—a stay-at-home dad.”

  Noah sipped his beer. Maybe the old man hadn’t been the best person to talk to after all. “I don’t want to be a stay-at-home dad, but even if I did, I know now that it’d be worth it. Those boys are freaking amazing, even if they do almost kill me every day.”

  “Gray was still serving, and so was Lila. They’ll cope with it.”

  Noah shook his head. “But it’s me who doesn’t want to do it anymore. Not when I have the boys to consider after everything they’ve lost.” He hung his head, staring at the bottle slung between his hands. “I’m the best at what I do because I’ve never had anything to lose. Things have changed. I’ve changed.”

  James was still staring at him when he looked up. “You need to do what’s right for you. But don’t let anyone talk you out of doing what you love, what you’re passionate about, because you’ll only end up bitter and resentful.”

  “Bella doesn’t know about all this, and even if I wanted to tell her, I can’t,” he said softly, wishing he could have spoken to her about it. He didn’t know what it meant, what was going to happen, what he even wanted.

  “What will you do?” James asked, sitting deeper in his chair now, no longer looking so alarmed.

  “I’ve been offered a position. I’d be training the recruits, still traveling a bit to places like Alaska for cold weather training, but essentially I’d be based here in California. And then there’s another position, higher up, something I can’t talk about yet.”

  “And it’s what you want to do?”

  Noah’s hands started to shake. The decision was huge, almost impossible to process. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.” He was so conflicted, the choice running through his head day and night. “I don’t know if I’ll ever know, but I have to make the decision soon.”

  “There’s a time limit?”

  Noah nodded. “Yeah. I’ll have one more deployment, sounds like something’s heating up, and I’ll be out of here sooner rather than later, but that’s strictly between the two of us. I shouldn’t be talking to you about any of this.”

  “You have to do what you have to do, son,” James said. “Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons.”

  Noah agreed. The problem was that he no longer knew why he was doing it. Before taking over custody of the boys, he’d have sworn that the only way he’d have ever retired was when he was forced, but things had changed. He’d changed. Life had changed.

  “What are you guys talking about? What does Noah have to do for the right reasons?”

  Noah clamped his mouth shut and wished to hell he’d just stayed silent rather than chewing it over with her dad.

  “Ah, nothing much,” he said.

  Her dad rose and opened his arms. “We’re just shooting the breeze. Come give your old dad a hug.”

  Bella shot him a look that said she wasn’t convinced.

  “Hi, everyone!”

  Noah looked up, not knowing they were expecting anyone else.

  “Hi,” he replied, studying the woman’s face, trying to place her at the same time as Bella spun around and hugged the blonde. “I know we’ve met before, but . . .”

  “Serena,” she said, holding out her hand as he stood, her other hand on Bella’s shoulder. She slid her palm against his, her smile hard to read as she blatantly checked him out. “We’ve met a few times in the past.”

  Noah tried not to feel too guilty. Given how beautiful she was, he was pretty damn certain that he would have been more than friendly to her at whatever events they’d been to together. He had a habit of liking all of Lila’s cute friends.

  “Hi, second daddy,” Serena said when she let go of his hand, giving Bella’s dad a big hug.

  “Hi to you, too,” James said, holding her in his arms and hugging her back as if she were one of his daughters.

  Noah remembered Bella talking about Serena and suddenly recalled that she was the friend who’d set her up on the date. He grinned. “So you’re the one to blame for Bella’s hot date the other night, huh?”

  She spun around and held up her hands. “Guilty.”

  “Bella went on a date?” her dad spluttered. “Get out of here!”

  “Bella what?” Suddenly her mom was in on the conversation, head poking around the corner from the kitchen. “Who did she date?”

  “Oh my God, Noah!” Bella exclaimed.

  Noah exchanged glances with Serena, who dived straight in and turned the attention off him.

  “The cute coffee guy. I set them up.”

  “How did it go?” her mom asked.

  Serena smiled sweetly at him, raising an eyebrow and answering before Bella could. “He was nice, but I think her heart’s already taken.”

  “What?” Her mom sounded all breathless, like she’d missed out on the most important piece of news.

  “We’re not discussing my love life! No more questions,” Bella said, looking embarrassed as she followed her mom back into the kitchen.

  Noah stared back at Serena, hearing what she’d said but refusing to let her bait him. He was staying out of this, and besides, there was no way she was seriously talking about him. He still held her gaze, not wanting to be the first to back down. She absolutely isn’t being serious, or she’s talking about someone else.

  Bella walked back in with a glass of water. “We’re going to pretend like that entire conversation didn’t happen and start over, okay?”

  They all laughed, but Noah shut up when she gave him a sharp stare. Serena didn’t look the least bit worried.

  “I’m going to go find the boys, play with them awhile,” she said.

  Bella flopped down onto the sofa beside him the moment Serena disappeared, kicking off her heels before tucking her feet up.

  “How was your day?” Noah asked, steering into neutral territory.

  “Exhausting. I’m just so tired.”

  “You can always ask us to help out more,” James said. “You two don’t have to go this alone. We love having the boys.”

  “We should take them up on that,” Noah said, “before they realize what little gremlins the boys really are and rescind their offer.”

  Bella laughed and reached for his beer, taking a big sip before passing it back to him. “I needed that.”

  He raised it for her again, but she shook her head. “No, thanks.” Bella glanced between her dad and Noah before continuing to speak. “You guys seem a little suspicious. Like you were talking about something secret before I barged in.”

  Noah traded glances with her d
ad again, pretending like he had no idea what she was getting at.

  “You know, the one time Lila got all upset about Gray talking to Dad, he was asking for her hand in marriage.”

  Noah laughed and her father chuckled. “I can assure you I haven’t asked for your hand, sweet maiden.”

  Thankfully for Noah, Christine called out that dinner was almost ready, and Bella disappeared off to the kitchen, flashing them a wide smile as she got up. He finally turned to her dad.

  “I haven’t seen Bella smile like that in a long time,” James told him.

  Noah gulped, sipping his beer for something to do. Because despite the fact that he’d lost his best friend only a few months ago, he didn’t recall a time when he was so settled and prepared to smile either.

  Bella twirled her wine glass between her fingers and sat back, staring out into the street. Serena was getting ready to leave, Noah was doing the dishes with her dad, and her mom was snuggled up on the sofa, watching a DVD with the boys. It had been a nice night, but it had also been one of those nights that made her miss her sister terribly. Because they’d always had family dinner nights and had enjoyed playing with the boys and arguing over what dish they wanted their mom to make. And now here she was, an only child.

  She also couldn’t stop thinking about what she’d overheard her dad and Noah talking about. It kept playing through her mind, something about a decision, making sure it was for the right reason. Was it about deployment? Would he have spoken to her father about it before her? She shuddered. How could she be contemplating a future with someone who didn’t include her in his decision making? Noah wasn’t just disruptive; he’d turned her life upside down when it was already in a state of turmoil.

  “You okay?”

  She smiled up at Serena as her friend sat down beside her on the porch step. “I’m fine. Just reminiscing.”

  Serena slung an arm around her. “Are you thinking about how much you used to despise Noah? You know, compared to how much you lurve the man now.”

  Bella scowled. “Honestly, S. I could strangle you sometimes.”

  “So you wouldn’t mind if I asked him out? He’s pretty darn cute.”

  She knew she was being baited, but she couldn’t bite her tongue and not say anything. “You so much as—”

  Serena just laughed and clinked their glasses together. “Just kidding. And you can just take things slowly with him, see what happens.”

  Bella took a big sip of wine, then another. “It’s not that simple.”

  “Mmm,” said Serena, sensing Bella’s reluctance to talk and seeking another way to get her to open up. “Can I ask about the letters? Tell me about them.”

  “Lila wrote letters in case anything ever happened when she was away serving. They’ve been mailed to us every week for a month now.” She stared out into the dark. “I’m not sure if they’re a curse or a godsend.”

  Serena’s smile lit up her face. “That’s incredible. Have you told your parents? Let them read them?”

  “No.” Bella sighed. “It’s complicated. I mean, they’re personal, for Noah and me, to bring us closer together or something. Each letter has a message for us, sometimes for me, and tells us what date to go on. It’s cute.”

  “So you’ve been going on them, these dates?” Serena asked. “You fox!”

  “They’re not real dates, more just friendship outings or something. It’s kind of how I stopped being so—I don’t know—resentful of him, and started—”

  “Falling for him?” Serena’s voice was softer now, all hint of teasing gone.

  “He’s gotten under my skin, but I want so bad to be able to push him away.”

  “I don’t think you mean that. I mean, he’s made you happy, made you and the boys smile. Is he so bad?”

  “He’s caused nothing but chaos from the moment he arrived back, and now I think he’s being deployed and I don’t . . .” She stopped talking, about to cry and not wanting to.

  Serena looked sympathetic. “Honey, of course he’s caused chaos. He’s a bachelor trying to be a dad, not to mention the fact that he’s used to a crazy kind of job and not perfect domesticity.”

  “Believe me, we’re far from perfect domesticity,” Bella grumbled.

  “He’s made you feel things you haven’t felt in a long while, that’s all. And what makes you think he’s being deployed?”

  “Nothing. Just fragments of something I overheard.”

  “Didn’t your mom tell you about eavesdropping when you were a kid?” Serena asked, nudging her in the side with her elbow. “It’s dangerous. If you’re worried about something, just ask him.”

  They didn’t say anything for a while, just sat side by side.

  “Speaking of your mom,” Serena suddenly said, picking up their conversation right where they’d left off, “you know that you have to show the letters to her, right? They’ll mean a lot to her.”

  Bella knew she was right, but keeping them just for her had been easier to deal with, or maybe it had just been easier to pretend they were real, as if they were actually arriving from her sister. Not sent by a lawyer who’d had them in a drawer in case they ever had to be sent. “I’ll tell her. Tonight.”

  Serena reached for her hand, holding it loosely, but the fact they were connected helped.

  “You know I love you, right?”

  Bella leaned sideways so her head could rest on Serena’s shoulder. “I know. I love you, too.”

  A noise alerted Bella to the fact they were no longer alone. She pulled up and looked back, gaze landing on Noah. He was standing in the doorway, leaning his shoulder into the timber, hands thrust into his pockets as he watched them. The casual, relaxed way he watched her always unsettled her—she doubted that would ever change. Only now it didn’t frustrate the hell out of her as much as make her pulse quicken and make her wish he was touching her at the same time as his eyes roved over her body. She still had to fight the urge to snap at him, push him away, but she knew it was because she was scared of how he made her feel, and for a self-confessed control freak, being organic and open with her feelings didn’t come naturally to her.

  She chastised herself. Why was she trying to make excuses for the way he made her feel? He had caused chaos and disrupted her life, frustrated her more than any other human being ever had!

  “Am I interrupting?” Noah asked, the warmth of his blue eyes in complete harmony with the upturn of his mouth and his softly spoken words.

  “Not at all.”

  “Yes!” Bella shot back at the same time.

  Serena rose and touched a hand to Bella’s shoulder, leaning down to whisper in her ear. “Don’t be so scared of the past that you close yourself off to the future. Playing it safe isn’t always the right decision.”

  Heat rose through Bella’s body, making her cheeks burn, and she hoped that Noah hadn’t heard Serena’s low words. She doubted he had, but the idea of him knowing they’d been talking about him embarrassed her.

  Bella took a breath, watched Serena go, waited until she’d disappeared into the house. Then she forced herself to stand, left her wine glass on the step as she turned to Noah. He pushed off from where he’d been leaning, stopping only when she put her hands on her hips.

  “Yes, you’re interrupting, Noah,” she said, her tone low. She’d finally started to give part of herself to another human being, to a man, and he was driving her crazy, making her second-guess her every thought.

  He looked amused, folded his arms across his chest. “Oh, I am, am I?”

  “You’re interrupting my life,” she told him, walking faster now, slamming her hands to his chest, shoving him back. Her emotions were spiraling. She wanted him, she wanted to be rid of him, but she was suddenly angry and scared, too. “You’ve interrupted everything. You’ve made me—” She hit out, harder this time, wanting to force him back, to take back some control.

  “What?” he asked, catching her hands before she had the chance to shove him again, holding tight around he
r wrists. “What else have I done?”

  His smile disappeared, replaced by a harder stare, his jaw carved from stone.

  “Everything,” she managed, fighting for her arms. “I don’t want you to go,” she whispered.

  “I’m not going anywhere. What made you think that?”

  Noah’s stare never wavered, eyes locked on hers.

  “You talking to my dad. When I walked in, I—”

  “Bella, I’m not going anywhere.”

  She shook her head. “But if not now, then someday.” Her words were barely audible.

  “And if and when that day actually comes, for certain you’ll be the first to know.”

  And then she gave in. Bella fought one last time to slam her palms into him, to hurt him, and when that didn’t work, she slammed her lips into his instead.

  Noah didn’t react at first, still had hold of her, was still restraining her. But when she stood on tiptoe and kissed him like her life depended on it, he wrapped his arm tight around her, not letting her go, hardly even letting her breathe.

  “Noah,” she whispered when she pulled back for a second to gasp, to fill her lungs with enough oxygen to do the same thing all over again. She slid her fingers tight into his hair, gripping at him, not wanting to let him get away now that she’d finally given in.

  “Your dad better not have a shotgun handy,” Noah muttered, spinning them around so it was her back to the side of the house, walking her until she was hard against it.

  Bella groaned, arching back, head to the wall as he kissed down her neck, mouth hot. She yanked him back up by his hair, loving what he was doing, but impatient and wanting his lips back on hers, needing him like she’d never needed anything in her life before.

  He kissed her relentlessly, over and over again, until Bella finally pushed him back, gasping for air.

  “Noah,” she whispered, palms flat to his chest.

  Noah pressed his forehead to hers, body low so he could match her height, his intense blue eyes piercing into hers.

  “I’m sorry,” he murmured.

  “For what?”