Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

  He stepped back, taking her hands in his. “For causing you pain, for worrying you. For everything.”

  Bella squeezed his hands back, still watching him, staring into eyes that made her feel like she was so out of control that it terrified her. She breathed in and out, trying to calm down, trying to think of something else to say.

  “I think I’m going to tell Mom, if it’s okay with you. About the letters,” she said.

  Noah smiled, the soft porch light playing across his features, his strong jaw and full lips mesmerizing in the half light. “They’re yours to share, Bella.”

  The moment was over, felt like it was long gone, and Bella wrapped her arms around herself, moving back into the light.

  “I’m going to head back in,” Noah said, shoving his hands in his jean pockets, looking as confused as her.

  “I think I’ll just take a minute out here,” Bella said. She wanted to pull him back, just forget about everything and be in his arms for a few more minutes; only their problems weren’t as simple as a quick kiss and make up. They’d hadn’t slept together since that first time, although the air around them felt constantly charged.

  Heat flooded her body again as she watched him walk away, a tremor of something she couldn’t identify sending ripples through her. Noah was safe but dangerous, irresistible and so not her type, all at the same time, all rolled into one. She couldn’t rely on him, couldn’t get close to him, couldn’t . . . she tried to push him from her mind and couldn’t. Because part of him is so damn right it’s killing me.

  Bella righted herself, took a few breaths until the boys were gone, then forced herself to walk inside and head to the downstairs restroom to check her makeup. Her lip gloss was long gone, and she ran the pads of her fingers around her mouth to check for smudges, not wanting her mom to know she’d been making out with Noah on their porch. Then she stared at herself in the mirror, blinked back at the woman staring at her. It had been a long time since she’d felt like this, since she’d had a flutter in her belly that she couldn’t shake. Serena had been right: she was falling for Noah. And no amount of pretending was going to change that. Just like no amount of wishing was going to change his job and the fact that with the click of someone else’s fingers, she could lose him.

  The one thing she could do was head inside and confess to her mom about the letters. It was about the only thing within her power to control right now.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Mom, do you have a few minutes?” Bella walked in to the living room where her mom was tidying up. The boys were still upstairs playing hide-and-seek in pairs with Noah and her dad, and she couldn’t avoid telling her mom any longer, wanted to tell her before the night was over. She was used to sharing everything with her mom and sister, and lately it felt like she was bottling everything up, ready to burst from the frustration of it all.

  “One minute or a hundred, darling. I’ve got all the time in the world,” her mom said, putting down the coffee mugs she’d been carrying and giving Bella her full attention. “What’s on your mind?”

  Bella squirmed, fidgeting from one foot to the other. “Can we sit down?”

  “Is it that serious?” Her mom laughed, but when Bella didn’t laugh back, the look on her face became less humorous.

  “I’m just tired. I want to curl up and talk.”

  “Go sit down. I’ll make us a coffee. See if you can manage to rest a little before the boys come back down.”

  “You gave them way too much sugar,” Bella groaned as she flopped down into a sofa.

  “Isn’t that what grandmas are supposed to do? Feed ’em up, then send ’em home?”

  Bella smiled, realizing how idyllic this would all look to an outsider, to someone who didn’t know what they’d all been through. Two little boys, a mom and dad, and doting grandparents.

  She stared blankly at the TV as she waited, wishing she had a few hours to herself to watch Grey’s Anatomy, then thinking how selfish that sounded when the boys she was looking after had lost their mom and dad. Her life seemed like a series of guilt trips lately.

  “Does it make me an awful person to wish for some time to myself?” Bella asked when her mom returned and placed two steaming mugs on the coffee table.

  “No, sweetheart, it doesn’t. The boys are full on.” Her mom sighed. “Find me a mom who doesn’t wish for a few hours of her old life, and you’ll find me a liar. I adored you girls, but man, did I crave my old life sometimes! Going to the movies, being able to stay up late without having to worry about kids waking me at the crack of dawn. Going out for drinks with the girls. I wouldn’t have traded you and Lila for the world, but I also missed some of my single days.”

  “Before Dad?” Bella asked, pleased she’d opened up to her mom instead of trying to pretend like everything was perfect.

  “No, not before your father. When it was just us, doing whatever we wanted when he was home.”

  Bella smiled, thinking of her parents when they were younger. “Did he ever drive you crazy? I mean, actually crazy?”

  Her mom sat back, smile on her face as she kicked off her shoes and tucked her feet up beneath her. Bella did the same, curling into the sofa.

  “When I met your dad, we butted heads like you wouldn’t believe. He infuriated me as much as he intrigued me.”

  “But you still knew he was the one?”

  Her mom reached for her coffee and blew on it, smiling before she sipped. “Your dad challenged me, and as much as I hated to admit it at the time, I loved him for it. We still argue—heavens, you girls both know that. But we’ve always agreed on the important things, and I’m sure I would have been bored with a man who didn’t stand up for his beliefs or one who tried to stop me from being the opinionated, outspoken person I’ve always been.”

  “My mom the feminist,” Bella said with a chuckle, nudging her mom with her big toe.

  “Hey, I love men, don’t get me wrong, but until we have a female president, I’ll continue to harp on about women’s rights.”

  Bella loved her for it, couldn’t agree with her more wholeheartedly. As kids, they’d been told they could do anything, achieve anything. As young adults, their mom had made it clear that there was no glass ceiling if they didn’t believe in one.

  “Mom, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you.”

  Her mom wrapped her hands around the oversize coffee mug and sat back.

  “I’ve been receiving letters,” Bella started, feeling guilty at keeping quiet about them for so long. “This is going to sound crazy, but they’re from Lila.”

  Her mom sighed. “I know.”

  “What? You know?” Bella almost sloshed her coffee all over herself.

  “I’ve been keeping something from you, too.”

  She stared at her mom. “I don’t understand. How can you know?”

  “Because, sweetheart, I’ve been the one sending them.”

  Bella’s hand shook as she moved her coffee back to the table, body trembling. “You—you . . .” she stuttered.

  Her mom reached for her, stroked her hair, and left her hand to rest on her arm, warm and calming. “Lila wrote those a while back, before her last tour. She put them in a box, tied string around it, and told me I was only to open it if something happened to both her and Gray. She wanted to be prepared in case the worst happened.”

  “And you didn’t think to tell me?” Bella asked, hating how angry her tone sounded, but unable to help it. “You didn’t think to just give them all to me instead of putting me through this?”

  “Would it have made it any easier?” her mom asked. “She wanted you to look forward to receiving them, as something to keep you going, to pick you up when the going got rough.”

  “Mom!” Bella exclaimed.

  “Don’t give me that tone, Bella. Can you imagine how hard it’s been for me, sending those letters every week without opening them, holding them to my chest and knowing that my daughter wrote them when her heart was still beating? Si
tting in my home, tucking them away and swearing me to secrecy?”

  Bella swallowed away any anger she had, waves of guilt washing over her. “I’m sorry,” she managed.

  “I wanted to read them, not because I needed to hear what she’d said, but because I wanted to see her handwriting. And I had to wait two months before Noah moved into the house, two months of wishing terribly that I could tell you what I had for you.”

  “How many more are there?” Bella asked, desperate to know.

  She received a sad smile in response. “Lila asked me not to tell you, not to talk to you about them. I’m not going to ruin what she had planned. I can’t.”

  Bella nodded. She understood. There was only one thing her mom could do and that was follow her youngest daughter’s wishes. “Would you like to read them? The ones you’ve already sent?”

  Her mom’s eyes flooded with tears, and Bella leaned forward to hold her, to wrap her arms tight around her as she started to cry, too.

  “I just want my baby girl back,” her mom whispered.

  “Me too,” Bella murmured, holding her mom even tighter. “I don’t want to mess up this being-a-mom thing, and I don’t want to lose Noah, and I don’t . . .” She stopped, realizing what she’d just said.

  “Noah’s a good man, Bella. You’re the only one who’s taken so long to realize it.”

  Bella pulled back. “Maybe I just didn’t like the way he always made me feel, the way he always challenged me, put my back up against the wall.” She fought a blush, thinking about the fact that he’d literally just done that to her half an hour ago on her parents’ porch.

  “If a man doesn’t get under your skin, then there’s no fire. Something about a partner has to rile you up.”

  “But it’s more than that,” Bella confessed. “I’m terrified of losing him just when I’ve finally started to accept him, to need him.” She needed to get it off her chest, needed to share just how frustrated she was. “I can’t bear the thought of letting him close and then having him ripped away, like Lila . . .”

  Her mom nodded, tears glistening in her eyes. “I know, sweetheart. I’ve been with your father almost forty years in case you’ve forgotten, and more years than not, I worried myself stupid.”

  “But it was worth it?” Bella asked. She had never needed to hear such intimate details of her parents’ relationship before but was hanging on her mom’s every word now.

  “Yes, darling, it was worth it. Despite all the sleepless nights, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Because it was our journey to take, and what a wonderful journey it’s been.”

  Bella smiled. Talking about Noah with her mom hadn’t been her plan. She glanced up at her mom to see her reaction. “The letters send us on a date each week. Lila’s laughing at me from somewhere.”

  Her mom was wide-eyed before bursting into laughter. “Get out of here! That’s what they’re all about?”

  Bella stretched out. “Yeah. Seems like she knew something I didn’t. I guess she’s just lucky that we’re both single.”

  “You ladies in here?”

  At her father’s call, Bella pulled herself together and sat up. She had a feeling their little quiet time was almost over. “Yep, we’re here.”

  Her dad appeared, Cooper over his shoulder, and then a moment later Noah was there. He had Will wrapped around him, legs around his waist, arms around his neck.

  “The sugar high’s over,” Noah said. “I think it’s time to go.”

  Bella took a quick, final swig of her coffee and rose, touching her mom’s shoulder as she passed. “Let’s get them in their PJs and tucked up in the car,” she said. “It’s been a big night for them.”

  She glanced at Noah, part of her igniting with heat at what they’d shared on the porch, another part wondering What if?, and the most sensible part of her screaming that she should run fast in the opposite direction. Because everything had changed between them, and she had a gut-deep feeling that there was no going back.

  “Bella, there’s a letter here for you!” Will called out, riding around the front yard on his bike, his little brother trailing after him. For a four-year-old Cooper was doing pretty well, but Will had two years on him and was showing off.

  She was sitting inside, watching from the front window and trying to catch up on work, but the moment she heard his call, she dropped what she was doing and ran out. He was waving it in the air, ringing his bell at the same time and almost falling off as he tried to do two things at once. Bella held out her hands to stop him, and he shot straight past her, dodging her arm and giggling.

  “Hey, get back here with that!” she demanded, chasing after him.

  Both boys laughed, and she danced around, pretending to grab at them without actually knocking them off their bikes. After dodging around them for a while, she eventually held out her hand, and Will gave her the letter. Just like every time she was about to open one, her pulse started to race, desperate to see her sister’s handwriting, to read over the words quickly, then slowly, then even more slowly the third time. Because she always read them over and over until she knew them word for word.

  But this time she didn’t open it, just held it to her chest, loving the fact that Lila had once held it, touched it, herself. She wanted to wait for Noah this time because this time she was almost as excited about the actual date with Noah as she was about reading the letter. She’d already organized her mom to come over and take care of the boys that night rather than wait until the following evening—now that she’d confessed the general thrust of the letters to her, she couldn’t see any point in getting a sitter.

  She left the boys to play and went back inside, reaching for her phone from where she’d left it beside her laptop. She sent Noah a quick text, asking when he’d be back. The boys had been so tired from their night at her folks’ place, then school and pre-K the following day, that she’d taken a leaf out of Noah’s book and decided to let them stay home. Although she was finding that running a business and simultaneously keeping an eye on two energetic kids wasn’t all that easy.

  Bella logged back in to her computer, wanting to reply to some emails, but she noticed the boys had discarded their bikes and were running back in. She sighed and closed the lid, deciding to give up for the day.

  “How about we have ice cream?” Bella asked, holding her hands out for high fives as they passed.

  “Yeah!” Cooper squealed.

  “You’re the best, B,” Will said.

  She spun around and walked with them into the kitchen, a hand on each of them, loving the sound of their chatter and laughter. They’d done so well, been so brave, but she felt that so often that she was scared of bringing their parents up, in case she upset them, when she needed to make sure they talked about Lila and Gray every day, no matter how hard it was on all of them.

  “What was your mom’s favorite flavor?” she asked as she bent to get the ice cream from the freezer. She already knew the answer—hell, they’d fought over which flavor their mom was to buy for years when they were kids, but Bella wanted them to know they could remember their mom without their thoughts having to be sad.

  “Chocolate,” Will replied, climbing up onto the bar stool to watch her. Bella helped Cooper up to a seat before getting the ice-cream scoop out.

  “Mmm, I think we’ll all have what she liked, then,” Bella said. “Cones or in a bowl?”

  “Cones,” they both said in unison.

  “Did you guys ever just sit here and eat ice cream with her?” Bella asked.

  “Yeah, and with Dad, too,” Will said.

  “Daddy liked the one with the chocolate chip in it,” Cooper said.

  Bella gulped. She’d just looked at that one before, had known how much Gray liked it. “We don’t just have to talk about them in our prayers before bed,” she told them. “If you ever want to tell me something about your mom or dad, or just remember them out loud, it’s okay.”

  They both stared at her, licking their ice creams the mom
ent she passed them over.

  “I miss the way Mom used to tickle me when I was falling asleep. Her fingers were really soft,” Will said.

  Bella nodded. “How about you show me, and I’ll try.”

  He shook his head, ice cream already ringing his mouth. “No. I just like the way your hair smells when I snuggle you at night.”

  Bella nodded again. There were some things that maybe he just wanted to remember his mom doing, and she had no intention of doing anything they didn’t want her to do.

  “How about you, Cooper? What do you miss most right now?”

  He blinked back at her, eyes wide. “I miss Daddy trying to teach me how to catch ball. He bought us mitts for Christmas.”

  Will’s eyes lit up, excited. “Yeah, that was so cool.”

  “You want Noah to do that with you guys? Or was it just something for Daddy?”

  They looked at one another and then back at her.

  “Yeah,” Will said, “that’d be awesome.”

  “What would be awesome?”

  Somehow Noah always managed to sneak in without her realizing, his sexy-as-hell, deep voice filling her with . . . anticipation. All this time she hadn’t been able to put her finger on what it was, but she’d finally figured it out.

  “We’re just talking about what the boys miss the most about their mom and dad.”

  “Okay,” he said, smile never faltering until the boys turned back to the ice cream and he gave her a what-the-hell? look over their heads.

  “It’s fine,” she mouthed silently, smiling back at him. “One of those things is catching ball. They thought you might like to do it with them.”

  He looked relieved, probably wondering what she’d been going to say. “I’d like that. You want to try your mitts out after your ice cream?”

  “Yeah!” They both agreed, looking happy and content.

  Bella felt like her heart was actually swelling with pride, something she’d heard moms talk about, but not really understood. They were like her little guys now—she truly felt it.

  “Want one?” she asked Noah.

  He nodded, patting his stomach. “I’m starting to realize that parenthood means being a little bit more slack about my diet. Kids’ food is awesome.”