Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

  She slowed, no longer keeping up with his long strides. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean,” he said, making a half turn so he was walking backward, keeping his eyes on her and only moving when she did, “that if the thought hadn’t already crossed your mind, if you weren’t already feeling guilty, then you would have just laughed it off.”

  Bella sighed, looking down at her feet. “I guess I’m feeling a little guilty for judging working moms in the past. I love the boys, and given what they’ve gone through I want to be there for them one hundred percent right now, but is it okay to be expected to give up your career just because you’ve got a double X chromosome?”

  Noah shook his head. “No.”

  “Shit,” she swore, glancing up, eyes swirling with guilt all over again. “I have a serious double standard. Here I am all pissed about someone who doesn’t know me expecting me to be a stay-at-home mom, baking cookies and keeping house, and I’m the one who’s accused you of not being dedicated to the boys because of your career choice.”

  He turned, looked ahead to the Ferris wheel. It should have been a lighthearted, fun evening, but instead they were back into dangerous territory all over again, talking about his job. “Accusing you of being a less than dedicated mom because you run a local interior design business is not the same as you being worried about me going off to a war zone,” he told her. “I get why my job terrifies you, and to be honest, it should.” And why she feels like I’m interrupting her goddamn life.

  She was silent for a long beat, but she’d caught up to him and was walking by his side. “I still don’t have the right to tell you what to do. We only live one life, and I’m all too aware of how short that life can be, after everything we’ve been through.”

  His chuckle was forced. “So you’re going to happily wave me off next time I head away?”

  Noah regretted his words the moment they’d left his mouth.

  “No,” she choked out, eyes immediately swimming with tears. “Please, God, no. Don’t let this be you telling me you’re about to leave.”

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” He realized she was still waiting, looked like she was holding her breath to hear his words. “No. Crap, sorry, no. I’m just talking shit—don’t even listen to me.”

  She’d stopped walking, looked shell-shocked.

  “Come here,” he said, forgetting his own worries when he saw how concerned she was, how terrified she’d become by his words. Noah took her hand, squeezed it tight, and didn’t let go, only loosening his hold when she switched from palms pressed together to linking their fingers first. “This is supposed to be a fun night. The two of us having a good time together. Let’s not ruin it by over-thinking what ifs.”

  She leaned into him. “I just can’t bear the thought of losing anyone else again. Of going through that feeling ever again.”

  He pulled her around so she was facing him, took her other hand, too. Noah watched her, looked down at the woman he’d spent so much time with lately, the woman who’d changed so much about him, probably without even knowing what she was doing. “We’re not going to lose each other.”

  She shook her head, eyes still moist. It was killing him that he was the immediate cause of her pain. “That’s not a promise you can make. Or keep,” she murmured.

  “True, but I can promise that I’ll try damn hard. That I’ll be more determined than ever to come back to you all in one piece.”

  Bella nodded. “Okay, then. Kind of along the lines of what my daddy used to say, so I’ll take it.”

  Noah leaned down, kissed her before she seemed to realize what was happening. But she didn’t take long to warm up, to wrap her arms around his neck, hungrily kissing him straight back.

  “Come on—let’s go have some fun,” he muttered, kissing her one last time before dragging her along with him, tucking her under his arm. “I’m starving, so we’d better find some food.”

  “Ditto. It’s been a long day.”

  Not to mention a long night. He’d found it hard to sleep, had craved being in bed with Bella, but she’d ended up in with the boys, and he was back to night terrors combined with insomnia from his guilt attacks at the position he was putting himself in. He’d always vowed never to become a dad, and look how well that had turned out. He’d always sworn never to get too close to a woman as well. And then he’d spent time with Bella. And now it wasn’t just his heart on the line, it was the heart of a woman who deserved more.

  They kept walking, onto the pier and toward the Ferris wheel. He felt Bella’s grip tighten.

  “You okay?”

  “I probably should have mentioned that I’m terrified of anything that involves being high up in the air.” She gulped, and he could see the movement in her throat as he watched her, trying not to be amused by the genuine terror written all over her face. “I know this sounds stupid to a freak-of-nature SEAL who can jump out of helicopters and do those crazy rolls from the top of a hill or whatever if he has to, but I can’t help it.”

  “Were you dangled from a building as a child or something equally terrifying?” he teased.

  “Ha-ha, very funny,” she muttered, still not giving up his hand and making him wonder if she was trying to squeeze it off.

  “And how do you know about our—how did you put it?—crazy hill rolls?”

  “Oh, I watched a program on SEALs one night. It showed a whole lot of training stuff. Something about where you train to get tortured in ice cold water—all that.”

  “Uh-huh.” He refused to think about the training role he’d been mulling over, the one that would involve that very ice-cold water training, among other things. The role he had to give his superior an answer about . . . yesterday. Or the other role that was being dangled in front of him, the one that meant a serious promotion, the one he should be finding out about within days.

  “Want a hotdog?” he asked, stomach rumbling so loudly, he was sure passersby would hear it if he didn’t consume something soon.

  “Sure thing.”

  They walked hand in hand to the hotdog vendor, and Noah ordered two with ketchup and mustard, passing one to Bella. He licked the ketchup from his hand and wolfed it down, not moving from the spot.

  “Geez, you were hungry,” Bella said, still nibbling away on hers.

  Noah shrugged. He ordered another, and they started to wander again, stopping a few yards down the pier to grab a couple of Cokes.

  “You want to talk about what’s, um . . . going on with us?” he asked, realizing how sudden his question sounded out loud. Just because it’d been going through his mind all day didn’t mean she’d been thinking the same.

  “Not really,” she replied quickly. “You?”

  He shrugged when what he should have said was yes. “I just—”

  “Don’t want me to get the wrong idea about us? It’s okay. I get it, but at the same time I don’t want to think about all the other women you’ve probably got scribbled down in a little black book for booty calls.”

  Noah swallowed the last bite of his hotdog and pulled a face. “I don’t have a black book of women.” He was getting the feeling that she wanted to joke around, keep things lighthearted like they’d first been when they started hanging out on Lila’s dates. Who’d have thought he would be the one trying to bring up an emotional conversation?

  Bella rolled her eyes, making her look childish, which in turn made him laugh. “Sorry—your iPhone contacts then.”

  Noah decided to play along. It was easier to have fun than to dwell on what the hell they were doing and what he was going to do about it. “I don’t know who you think I am, but I’m not a manwhore,” he teased. “I love women—always have, always will—but I’m not exactly in a different woman’s bed every night.”

  She sighed. “Sorry. We’re going back over old territory. I’m being silly. I was just trying to—”

  “Have fun,” he interrupted. “You’re forgiven. Now come on. It’s not impossible to enjoy ours
elves if we give this a chance.”

  Once they neared the Ferris wheel, he could feel her balking, and he dragged her along beside him, determined to keep her smiling, at least for tonight. “How about we play a game first? I’ll try to win you a teddy bear.”

  That made her lean in, her smile back, lips tilted up just the smallest bit at the corners, making him want them to curve more, to see her entire face light up. “That’d be sweet. I’m just not sure if you’ll be able to hit the mark, though.”

  He squared his shoulders, rolling them back and making her laugh. He liked the sound of it; it made him feel human again. In fact, everything about being with the boys and Bella had made him feel human, which was probably why it scared him so damn much.

  “I’m gonna hit this the first time. Three in a row, and that teddy will be yours.”

  She grinned, and he handed over a few bills, reaching for the balls and aiming the first one. He went to throw it, and she pinched him on the butt, making him falter. The ball fell foul, and he glared at her.

  “Seriously?” He narrowed his gaze, tried to intimidate her.

  “What? You can’t deal with a little distraction?”

  He frowned. “Just watch me.” He was highly competitive, had been ever since he’d been given a chance to succeed outside of foster care, which meant it didn’t matter what he was doing—he liked to win. Or be the best. No questions asked.

  This time he aimed, and she wolf-whistled at him, but he was expecting something and hit his mark straightaway. He glanced over his shoulder. “You’ve lost the element of surprise. Better luck next time.”

  He had two balls left and prepared to throw the third, until she pressed closer to him, hand sliding around his waist, the other snaking low. Noah groaned as his throw turned to custard.

  “You’re wicked.”

  She stepped back the second he missed. He dropped the last ball and paid another few bills to get more. He wasn’t giving up now, wasn’t about to let her distract him. This time he focused, pushed her from his thoughts, and didn’t so much as glance sideways until he’d slam-dunked the first three shots. The operator scowled and passed him a toy giraffe, which he took gleefully and thrust at Bella.

  “Here.”

  She smiled coyly. “My cleavage didn’t even impress you.”

  Noah stared at her, trying to focus on her face even though his eyes kept dropping. Lower. And lower. “It impresses me plenty.”

  They stood, staring, both immobile until Noah finally pulled away, broke the spell. He was supposed to be putting some distance between them, emotionally anyway, but it sure as hell wasn’t working.

  “Thanks for the toy.”

  “My pleasure,” he replied, wishing he had the courage to pull her into his arms and not let her go—to hell with being scared of his feelings.

  “Want to go brave the wheel?” she asked.

  Noah nodded, hands pushed deep into his jean pockets to avoid holding hands with her. The way he was feeling right now, he didn’t trust himself. Not one bit. There wasn’t a line, and they stepped up. Noah pulled out his wallet and paid, neither saying a word until they were directed to their seats. They hadn’t been seated long when their car began to move, a jolt making Bella gasp and shoot over closer to him, their thighs sandwiched, her hand jammed into his. He pried her fingers off his and tucked his arm around her instead, holding her against him. It was a mistake—the second her warm body was tucked to his, he wanted to keep her there forever—but he pushed away his thoughts, like he’d always been so good at doing, and looked out at the view.

  “Shit,” she swore, gripping even tighter and peering over the side.

  “Don’t look,” he told her. “If you don’t look, you’ve got nothing to be scared of.”

  She leaned back in, head to his shoulder. “Except for the fact that we’re so high up in the air. And the fact that this machine could break at any moment.”

  Just as they reached the top, the wheel ground to a halt, a heaving noise followed by complete silence. Noah knew the drill—there were only a few people, and the operator had probably decided to give them a good view from the top. Only he wasn’t so sure that Bella appreciated the gesture.

  “Omigod,” she mumbled, the words all rolled into one. “It’s broken. The motor’s blown up or something, and we’re going to be stranded.”

  Noah turned and gazed down at her, taking in the tendrils of hair that had escaped, blowing around her face despite the rest of her long hair being flung over her shoulders and hanging down her back. Her lips were parted, the bottom one sucked under her top teeth as she peered over the side again.

  And then she looked up at him. Screw it.

  He reached for her, looked down at the woman whose head he now had cupped in his hands, touched his palm to her cheek on the other side. Noah closed the distance between them swiftly, not wanting time to second-guess his actions. He’d kissed her plenty of times now, had enjoyed every single one and anticipated the next, but this one he had zero control over.

  His lips moved over hers like they had a mind of their own, their mouths fused, tongues colliding over and over. Bella’s soft moans only spurred him more, made him more aroused, more desperate to touch every part of her. For her to be his.

  “Damn,” he muttered, pulling back.

  She groaned louder and reached for him, arms wrapping tight around his neck. “No,” she demanded, her whisper determined, fierce.

  “We can’t do this,” he muttered straight back, just as his body was telling him that was exactly what he should be doing.

  “Why not?”

  He pulled her against him, the twinkling lights in the near darkness taking his attention for less than a second before his defenses were shattered all over again by the woman in his arms. Noah had prided himself on his self-control all his life, but now it was gone like it had never existed in the first place.

  “Damn you,” he muttered, no longer prepared to be gentle as he took her mouth against his again, relentless, not giving her the chance to say no. She’d done this to him, and he wanted her more than he’d ever wanted a woman in his life.

  Bella kissed him back just as fiercely, her hunger raw, fingers gripping at his hair, one arm wrapped around his neck tight. It felt like minutes or maybe hours, Noah had no idea, and then the car they were in suddenly lurched, and they were swinging again, moving around on the big circle.

  Bella eventually pulled her lips from his, but she didn’t let go. He could almost smell her fear it was so real.

  “You distracted me,” she whispered. “From the fact that one move sideways and I could have plunged to my death.”

  “I wouldn’t have let that happen,” Noah whispered into her ear, lips grazing her skin.

  She turned to face him again, arms still wrapped around his body. “Tell me how you really feel, Noah? Is this just fun to you? Am I a conquest you’re going to tire of or a friend with benefits? Or is there a chance this . . .”

  He pulled back, scared of where the conversation was going. He could see the hope in Bella’s eyes, hope that he’d be able to give her more. Noah cleared his throat. This was exactly what he hadn’t wanted to happen. “I thought I made it clear that I couldn’t commit to anything serious, that I wasn’t capable of being in a relationship after everything that’s happened to me.”

  Bella’s shock disappeared almost as soon as it appeared, her mouth softening as she watched him. And then he realized what it was, the look that had become familiar to him when he was younger, before he’d figured out how to make it clear to women that he was a fun-time-only kind of guy.

  “You made that clear, Noah. Of course you did.” Her smile faltered, and he knew she was lying. “I just thought . . .”

  He braced himself, knowing the words that were coming. Trouble was, he did want more from Bella, didn’t want to end what had turned into a great evening out. But he also didn’t want to lead her on, pretend that what they had could turn into something t
hat he just couldn’t give.

  “I can’t change the way I am. The person that I am,” he said softly, being careful with the words he chose. “I wish things could be different.”

  “So I’m not the first to think I could change you?” she asked. “Is that what you’re trying to say?”

  He grabbed her hand, knowing they were about to reach the bottom and be asked to exit, but not caring. They lurched to a stop before he had time to say what he needed to tell Bella, and he quickly pulled out his wallet and thrust money at the guy waiting to help them out. “Again,” he demanded impatiently.

  The guy shrugged. There was no one else waiting, and so he sent them back on their way again.

  “I want to get out,” Bella insisted, struggling to remove her hand from his.

  “Tough luck,” he muttered.

  “Why do you even want to do this?” she asked. “Torture ourselves with whatever the hell is going on between us, then tell me that it can’t turn into anything? Who does that?”

  “Me,” he said simply, still holding her hand. “The way I feel about you,” he started, shutting his eyes, willing himself to say the words he was trying so hard to get out, “I don’t know what to say.”

  “How about nothing,” she suggested, her tone cool.

  Noah knew he’d hurt her, which had been the last thing he’d wanted to do, and now he was stuck and couldn’t even tell her how he felt. “I’ve never felt this way about a woman before. I’ve never wanted what I couldn’t have because I’ve always kept things casual. Never met anyone who’s made me wish it was any other way.”

  Her resistance disappeared, no longer fighting to pull her hand from his. He loosened his grip, ran his fingers down her wrist a little so he could stroke across her skin as he watched her.

  “Noah, you don’t have to let your past define you.” Her voice was low, sweet and soft, but it was the expression on her face, the warmth of her gaze as she stared into his eyes, that really got him.

  “Easy for you to say,” he said. “I never had anyone to love me, not like you did. The two people I’ve”—he choked on the word, finding it near impossible to say—“felt that way about, have both died. Taken from me. Like I’m so broken, so cursed, I never deserved to have them in the first place.”