Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

  “You can’t honestly believe that?” She had tears trickling down her cheeks now.

  “It’s the truth,” he said simply. “It’s my truth.” Noah opened his arms to pull her closer, wanted her against him, wasn’t ready to let her go yet. “It doesn’t mean I don’t want you or that you’re not amazing or that it doesn’t crush me to think I’m hurting you. I just can’t let you in.”

  “Can’t or won’t?” she asked, pressed to his chest, cheek to him, arms around him.

  “Can’t,” he admitted. “If I could, I’d do it for you.”

  “So we stop this?” she asked. “Is that honestly what you want?”

  “I want you for as long as you’ll have me,” Noah told her as they wheeled around. “I want to kiss you and have you in my bed. I want to parent those boys with you as best I can, but I won’t hold you back if you meet someone. If you have a chance at being with someone who can give you what you deserve.”

  She was silent. Deathly still. Noah knew how fucked up it sounded, but it was his truth, and he could no more hide from it than he could change the way he was.

  “Can we just not talk about any of this?” she asked. “I just want us to keep doing what we’re doing, looking after the boys and making it work between us. With them. I don’t even want to meet anyone else.”

  He grimaced. But you will. “Sweetheart, you deserve a ring, a man’s heart, and a white picket fence. So much more than what a broken man like me could give you.”

  “I already have the white picket fence,” she muttered. “We both inherited one. And look what good that did Lila and Gray.”

  “It did them plenty good,” Noah said, moving so he could keep one arm around Bella as they neared the ground again. “They loved each other, and they had a great family. And one day you will, too.”

  She looked up at him. “And you’ll be okay with that? Me dating, meeting someone, and getting married? You’ll move out of the house?”

  He braced himself, hated the visual but told her what she needed to hear anyway. “I’ll do what I have to do.”

  “Fine,” she murmured. “Thank you for being clear with me.”

  Noah knew, right then, that he’d ruined the easy, happy banter they’d had, the fun feeling that had been building these past few weeks. It hadn’t been something he’d wanted to end, but at the same time he couldn’t have lied to her before when she’d asked.

  “I don’t ever want to lie to you, Bella. We’re in this for the long haul—with the boys, I mean.”

  “Yeah. We are.”

  They exited the Ferris wheel and walked back the way they’d come, Bella with the giraffe slung under her arm. She didn’t say anything else, and he had nothing more to tell her except for the fact that he wished they’d never talked in the first place.

  “You know you’re going to fall in love with those boys, Noah, and they’ll be the ones you risk your heart for, not me.”

  His body stiffened, jaw suddenly carved from stone as he stared ahead.

  “You might not want to fall in love with me, Noah, but not falling in love with them is impossible,” she continued in a voice brimming with emotion, moving around to walk in front of him, blocking him and walking backward so he had to look at her. “You’re scared to be in love, aren’t you? Even with them.”

  Noah hadn’t liked their last conversation, but it was merry compared to this one. He gritted his teeth. “Don’t go there, Bella.”

  “I’m just intrigued by why you can appear to love them, be so close to them, and yet be so scared of feeling the same about me. Or any woman for that matter.” She shook her head. “Despite what you might be telling yourself, you’re already head over heels in love with two little boys who’ve completely stolen your heart.”

  “I didn’t choose to feel that way about them, okay? Damn it, Bella, I would never have put myself in this position!” He was on the verge of yelling, and he checked himself, not wanting to scare her by his sudden outburst. “Those kids didn’t have anyone, and I wasn’t going to let them turn into”—he exhaled—“me.”

  “You can walk away any time, Noah. I’m more than capable of making them feel loved, being there for them. And they have grandparents who adore them, so they’re never going to end up . . .”

  He stopped walking. “What? Messed up like me? Is that what you were going to say?”

  She threw her hands up in the air. “Why are we even fighting, Noah? This was the perfect evening, and I don’t even know how we ended up here.”

  They stared at each other, both breathing deeply. He could see the rise and fall of her chest, knew she was just as riled up as he was. And all he wanted was to tell her how stupid he’d been, that he didn’t mean what he’d said, and pull her into his arms. Only I can’t.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I care a lot about you, Bella. I really do. And if it makes a difference, I’ve never wanted a woman like I want you.”

  “Yeah, you want me, but you’re not prepared to let your guard down enough to let me in. Like these past couple of months never existed in the first place.”

  “Bella, the reason I’ve been honest with you tonight is because I care about you. Can’t you see?

  “Can we just go home?” she asked, turning away from him, arms wrapped tight around herself like she was trying to shield her body from the cold. His first instinct was to embrace her, and his second was to give her space. He went with the latter, keeping some distance between them as they walked side by side. And then, seeing as things probably couldn’t get much worse, he decided to break another piece of news to her.

  “I meant to tell you earlier, and I know this is bad timing, but I need to head away for the entire week next week. Just to base—I’m training with my team all week, so I think I’ll stay there, but I’ll be back for the weekend.”

  She didn’t say anything, just gave him a curt nod of her head—still too angry with him to answer was his guess.

  When they reached the car, Bella paused when he opened the door for her, glancing up under hooded lashes. “You know, I was prepared to deal with your job,” she said quietly. “To open myself up to the hurt that comes with that, because I actually care about you. For the record, this was always more to me than just some sort of fling. I was prepared to give you a chance, and you were never even prepared to give the same to me.”

  Noah didn’t know what to say, and he never got the chance. Bella got in, shut the door, and left him standing alone on the sidewalk. He’d been humbled plenty of times, usually with regard to his career, but he’d never, ever been shot down like that before and made to feel like a complete jerk.

  The way he saw it, he had two options: bail now and go back to the life he’d loved and enjoyed for so many years. Or man up and deal with the fact that he needed to change in order to survive in the real world. Either way, it wasn’t an easy decision. Not by a long shot.

  Noah briefly wondered if he should just give Bella the car keys and run back home to clear his head, and then he decided against it. After what he’d said to her tonight, she at least deserved for him to drive her home.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  November 2014

  Dear Bella & Noah,

  I’d love to know if you’re looking forward to these or dreading them. Part of me thinks they could be ending up straight in the trash, but then the other part is certain that you’ll both feel you can’t say no to me. This date is slightly different. I want you guys to go hiking. Just chill out, go for a big walk out in the fresh air, and talk about all the stuff you need to get off your chest. Whatever your worries, the boys will be fine. So long as you’re loving them and caring for them, everything will work out there. But you two are different. To make this work, what Gray and I have asked of you, means being a team. There are things that only you two will know, about the way you’ve been pulled together and how you feel about that, but I want you to make a joint decision about the future. If you can’t live together in our home, then make some
thing else work. Just promise me that you’ll keep the boys together and give them the kind of family that we would have. They deserve it, but you both deserve to be happy, too.

  Whatever happens, know that you have our full love and support. You’re my favorite people in the world, and all I want is to know that even though I’m gone, you’re both still smiling.

  If you’ve done everything, been on all the dates, then I’m so proud of you, Bella. I’ve made you go outside your comfort zone, and I know that couldn’t have been easy for you. And whatever you think about each other right now . . . Bella, I hope you’ve seen the Noah that I know and adore; and Noah, I hope you’ve seen the Bella that I love and admire. Life’s a crazy ride, and if you can be on that ride together . . . I’m going to stop writing now. Just enjoy, have fun, and cuddle my boys for me. Rock in the chair in our room, snuggle them, and whisper stories of their mommy and daddy in their ears. It’s what I did to them every night I was home, just tucked them up and rocked them both to sleep. Only I was whispering stories of bunnies and other crazy characters to them, wanting to shield them from the crazy world their mom and dad lived in when we were away working.

  I love you.

  Lila xoxo

  It had been a long week, and it was only Thursday evening. Bella poured herself a glass of wine, going past the halfway mark before finally putting the bottle down. She put the cap back on, left the bottle on the bench, and sat down at the kitchen table. Her feet were sore and she had a headache, but it had been a half-decent day. The boys were in bed early, bathed and happy, and she’d managed to work while they were at school. It was tough without Noah around, simply because she’d started to rely on him so much when it came to playing with the kids while she cooked dinner or bathing them when she was rushing around getting the laundry folded and the dishes done. But he’d been gone almost all week, and she’d started to find her rhythm. Only he’d texted a while ago and said he was on his way home a night early, so now she was braced for dealing with him all over again.

  If only I had Lila to talk to. In her heart, she knew she could turn to Serena, but it just wasn’t the same as having her sister. Just like she didn’t want to talk to her mom right now, even though she’d usually tell her everything.

  A noise alerted her to the fact that Noah was already home, and she took a few long, calm sips of the red wine before he came through the door. His heavy footfalls rang out in the hall, boots loud on the timber floor, even though he was probably doing his best to be quiet.

  “In here,” she called out.

  No matter how she felt about him, they had to make this work. The looking after the boys and putting on a united front part, anyway.

  “Hey,” Noah said as he walked in, heading straight for the sofa and dropping into it.

  She turned her body to watch him, the way he flopped down, body molding into the sofa and his eyes half shut. She wanted to hate him, but she couldn’t.

  “You look exhausted,” she noted, raising her glass and taking another sip. She was drinking more wine than she ever had since Noah had come on the scene.

  “It’s been a rough week,” he muttered. “The training was tough. A bit of down time, and it’s hard to compete with the others.”

  She sipped her wine. No being a bitch about the kids or what went down on our last date.

  “You get a letter today?”

  Bella shrugged. “Yeah. But I can’t say I’m in the mood to go along with it. Sorry.”

  He grunted. “I’m in the mood for sleep. But we still need to do what Lila asks.”

  Bella was feeling more grumpy about than endeared to her sister—she was ready to stand outside and yell up at the sky for Lila to go to hell for pairing her with Noah, even though she knew she was just overtired and being dramatic.

  “The boys have missed you,” she told him, not wanting to guilt-trip him, but wanting him to know that his absence hadn’t gone without notice. “They’re looking forward to hanging out with you this weekend.”

  “Bella, I’ve been thinking a lot about what went down between us last week,” he started, sitting up, no longer looking so shattered.

  “Honestly Noah, you don’t need to explain yourself. It’s fine. Just get a good night’s sleep, and we can chat in the morning.” She didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to do anything where he was concerned.

  “You’re sure?” he asked.

  “Positive.”

  “Can I at least read the letter?”

  She leaned over and reached for it, standing to drop it into his lap. Then she crossed the room with her wine and sat on the opposite sofa, turning the TV on and flicking between channels. She hadn’t watched anything in ages and had more things recorded than she’d ever get the chance to watch.

  “Huh.” Noah made a nothing kind of noise as he read the letter. She wanted to turn and watch him, stare at his face and his body language as he read, but she didn’t. Instead, she kept pretending to be interested in the screen.

  “We’re going hiking.”

  Bella laughed. Yeah, right. “No, we’re not.”

  “Seriously, we could both do with the fresh air. You’ve had the boys all week. I have tomorrow off. Why don’t you do the same, or at least just take the morning? I can collect the boys from school.”

  Bella shook her head. “No, I hate hiking.” And I don’t want to spend any more time with you than I have to.

  “You know what I’ve always wondered? How the hell you have such a great body when you don’t like outdoor stuff.”

  His words made her jaw drop. She was flattered, but . . . so much for not thinking about Noah like that or the things they’d done. “I run. Well, I used to run, just around the streets or on the treadmill at the gym, but I haven’t had time lately.”

  He nodded. “Then let’s run.”

  She laughed. “No way. You can probably run for five hours straight faster than I could run for thirty minutes.”

  “After the week I’ve had, I’d happily take it slow. Just enjoy the fresh air.”

  “So we go for a run instead?”

  He shrugged. “Hey, nowhere does it say that we can’t modify these dates a little.”

  “Fine. I’ll take the morning off, and we’ll run. Happy?” She could do with the exercise. It was the only reason she’d agreed.

  Noah’s grin made his face light up, reminded her of what she’d lost when he’d told her they couldn’t have more than whatever the hell they’d had. She’d started to get used to that smile, to his knowing gaze fixed on her, his touch when she needed it. And now he was back, but he wasn’t.

  “I’m beat,” Noah said. “I’m gonna head to bed.”

  She watched him go, before snuggling back and flicking through her TiVo shows. Bella reached for the throw at the end of the sofa and tucked it over herself, almost forgot about the fact she was alone instead of tucked beside Noah. What they’d had was gone, and she just needed to come to terms with the fact. Not to mention the idea of Noah having women over, because it was unrealistic to think he wouldn’t at some stage. She selected The Good Wife and zoned out. Television was the perfect distraction. And so is wine.

  Noah was still tired the following morning, body aching from the training he’d done all week, but it was more than just his physical strains that were troubling him. He’d just gotten off the phone with his superior, and he only had today before he had to brief his team and go. Then he was packing up and heading back to base to be fully briefed before they headed to the Middle East. It was where he’d spent a lot of time and knew some of the terrain, and it was also where he’d lost some of his best guys. In the past his deployments had been six months, give or take, but this one was going to be different. And he knew he had to tell Bella. The moment she’d been dreading had finally arrived.

  He’d spent the early morning playing with the kids, pretending to be a baddie while they both got to be Spiderman, and now he was stretching beside his SUV, waiting for Bella to turn up. Or not
. He was wondering whether she was going to show at all.

  Noah walked a few steps, then dropped to do some push-ups. After having some time off, he wasn’t feeling as fit as he usually did, and he didn’t want to be giving anything less than his best when he was beside the brothers who trusted him with their life.

  The rumble of an engine alerted him, but he dropped again, doing another twenty before jumping up to land on his feet once more. When a car door slammed, he turned.

  “Show off.”

  He winked at Bella, then wished he hadn’t. He was supposed to be making things less complicated between them, not more. Pity flirting with her came so naturally. Although the cool look she gave him put a stop to it real fast. “Just doing some training. I feel guilty about having the day off.”

  “Were you training all week or doing something top secret you can’t tell me about?”

  He collected his drink bottle from the ground where he’d abandoned it. “I was training, and I also had a few meetings to attend.” At some point he was going to have to tell her, but he knew it was going to turn everything to shit, even though he had no other option. “I wouldn’t lie to you and say I was training at base if I was actually being sent somewhere.”

  “Want to get going?” she asked, scooping her long hair up and pulling it into a ponytail, seeming to ignore his answer completely.

  Noah watched her, wished it were his lips skimming over the skin of her neck rather than her own nails as she discovered and tucked in loose strands. “Yeah,” he managed gruffly.

  He drank some water, offered it to her, then jogged over to put it back in his vehicle. She started off at a slow run, and he fell into pace beside her.

  “Want to jog for a bit, then take a breather and chat?” he asked.

  She gave him a weird sideways glance. “Sure.”