Dance of the Deadly Dinosaurs

by Jackie French

  ‘And ‘cause Graunt Doom say you find handsome prince in Ghastly Otherwhen,’ rumbled Mug calmly.

  ‘What?!’ Boo stared. ‘There aren’t any handsome princes in the Ghastly Otherwhen!’

  ‘Says who? No one has ever come back from there.’ Princess Princess had her old tone of control. ‘There may be thousands of handsome princes there. Maybe the Greedle kept them prisoner, like Boo’s mum.’

  ‘Graunt Doom never wrong,’ added Mug.

  ‘But…’ Shut up, Boo told himself. Princess Princess is coming with us! The most Heroic Wham! Bamm!er and Zoom!er in the school. That had to be good. And she’d brought Yesterday! Maybe in a week he could convince the Finder not to go back to her universe. Plus if Graunt Doom Saw that Princess Princess would find a handsome prince, maybe that meant they’d all get back…

  …or Princess Princess must get home, at least, with or without a handsome prince at her side.

  ‘And anyway,’ Princess Princess/Queen Splendifera added airily, ‘we don’t have to worry at all. Because Yesterday can Find any trouble before we get into it. And if any bogeys do take us by surprise—’

  Something burst out of the wormhole. Something with fangs and razor claws. A whole mob of somethings, Boo corrected himself. One, two, three, four…

  Four dinosaurs: the giant beast that had invaded the school dance, the one that Yesterday had danced with and two others a little smaller than the dancer.

  The giant dinosaur skidded to a stop. It casually snapped a few bats out of the air, crunched them and looked around for more.

  Boo gulped. It looked as though his Expedition was a bit…different from what he had expected.

  TENTACLE MUPPINS

  Ingredients:

  1 bogey

  2 cups self raising flour

  3/4 cup buttermilk

  1 cup blueberries

  1/4 cup brown sugar

  1 egg

  Method:

  First catch your bogey. Make sure it’s very dead. Remove a tentacle. (If it has no tentacles catch another bogey. If it tries to eat you Wham! Bam! it a few times again.) Chop tentacle finely. (Make sure your axe is sharp. If you don’t have an axe use your false teeth.) Combine with all other ingredients. Bake in a greased muffin pan for 20 minutes in a moderate oven or till brown, or lower into the volcano for 3.2 seconds. Pick out bat doo doo. Eat hot or cold.

  FROM THE REST IN PIECES COOKBOOK

  CONTRIBUTED BY DAHLIA THE DAZZLER

  18

  Princess Princess Takes Control

  ‘My dad hired the dinosaurs too,’ finished Princess Princess/Queen Splendifera. ‘Well,’ she said, as the others stared at her, and the dinosaurs spread out to investigate the school rubbish bins, ‘the dinosaurs ate the Greedle and its bogeys, didn’t they? So they can keep me, I mean us, perfectly safe in the Ghastly Otherwhen.’

  ‘But there’ll be lots more bogeys in the Ghastly Otherwhen…’ began Boo, keeping one eye on the dinosaurs. The smallest one, a striped monster as big as the Werewolf General, had pulled what looked like a pile of sheep guts out of one of the rubbish bins.

  What Hero brought sheep guts to school for lunch? Or were they left over from a bogey-hunting Expedition? Yum, thought Boo.

  ‘Stop dribbling. How do you know how many bogeys there’ll be? And anyway,’ said Queen Splendifera of Yukke dangerously, ‘no one is going to stop me getting my handsome prince. And, a school medal.’

  She looked the others up and down, then sighed. ‘You so don’t look disguised.’ She bent down and rummaged in her bag, then heaved a clanking bundle out and dropped it at Mug’s feet. ‘Go on. Put it on.’

  Mug stared at the glinting pile. Princess Princess frowned. ‘It’s armour, you dumb zombie. It’ll hide your yukky zombie fuzz.’

  ‘Fuzz good,’ objected Mug. ‘Took me hundred years to grow good fuzz.’

  ‘To disguise yourself, you idiot. Not as a zombie. The Greedle’s bogeys will be expecting a zombie. So you’re not going to look like one.’ She stared around at them all confidently. ‘I’ve thought of a Cunning Plan. It’s a brilliant one, too.’

  ‘What is it?’ asked Boo, a bit jealous. This was his Expedition. Which meant it should be his Cunning Plan.

  ‘We’re going to be Her Majesty, Queen Splendifera of Yukke, the most royal bogey in the universes, and her guard and lady-in-waiting—that’s you—’ she nodded to Yesterday ‘—bringing a delicious poodle as a gift for the Greedle. It’s a good thing you decided to get that stupid pink haircut,’ she added to Boo. ‘It’s so not good-looking. But it does make you look like a poodle.’

  This was his Cunning Plan! More or less, anyhow. Boo bit back a growl. What did it matter, as long as the Plan was a good one?

  ‘Here.’ Princess Princess bent down and tied something onto his head.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘A pink bow. The best poodles always have pink bows.’ Princess Princess bent down again. ‘Here’s one for your tail too.’

  ‘I’m not wearing—’ Boo bit back that growl as well. I’m doing this for Mum, he reminded himself. And so my friends don’t get ripped to pieces by bogeys. I can take a couple of pink bows…

  Someone giggled beside him. He glanced up. It was Yesterday. Yesterday giggling! She caught him looking at her and straightened her face carefully.

  ‘And a little perfume too.’ Princess Princess squirted him with cold sparkly mist from a tiny gold bottle. Boo swallowed a sneeze. He could feel his tail sag between his legs. He smelt of roses! No werewolf in the whole of Sleepy Whiskers ever smelt of roses!

  For the first time he was glad there were no other werewolves around to smell him. He’d have to have a (bleugh) bath before he went home. And find a nice

  dead seagull to roll in—or maybe those guts in the rubbish bin…

  At least nothing—even the bogeys of the Ghastly Otherwhen—would ever think he was a werewolf. Not if they had noses.

  Beside him Mug was struggling into his armour. Boo had to admit it was a good fit, and a good disguise too. A few stray bits of green fungus poked through the metal gaps, but if you didn’t look hard you’d never guess they were zombie mould.

  Princess Princess nodded at Yesterday. ‘Your costume is in the bag as well.’

  Yesterday pulled out a blue silk dress. She looked at Princess Princess enquiringly.

  ‘The Greedle’s bogeys will never recognise you in something pretty,’ said Princess Princess airily.

  Yesterday pulled the dress over her head without comment. She slipped it over her thin body, then wriggled the tattered skins down underneath. The smallest dinosaur lunged over, and sniffed her cautiously.

  ‘Gree—eek!’ it complained.

  Princess Princess tapped her golden foot. ‘It’s usual to wear shoes, you know. They’re in the bag too. And a comb. My mum would shriek if she saw hair like that on any of her ladies-in-waiting.’ She turned to Boo. ‘Your lead and harness are in there too.’

  ‘My what?’ howled Boo.

  Princess Princess looked at him coolly. ‘Your harness. You’re a present for the Greedle, remember? You’ll be walking on a lead!’

  This time the growl escaped. It was a big one. ‘Grrrf! No werewolf has ever worn a lead!’

  ‘Congratulations. You’re the first.’

  He couldn’t. He wouldn’t! But he could, Boo realised. And he would. He had to admit that Princess Princess’s Plan was more…complete…than his. He sighed, and nosed the harness out of the bag. It was pink, too, with little flowers on it, and insultingly small. He looked over at Yesterday. ‘You’ll have to help me put it on.’

  She nodded. It was so good to see her, Boo realised. So good that she was coming with them. It just felt right. He smiled at her, and caught an answering almost-smile back. She looked quite different with the dress on. The Yesterday who’d danced in the green dress had been a Hero, proud and defiant. This Yesterday looked subdued. A lady’s maid…

  Yes, Boo admitted. Princess Prince
ss was clever. All at once his resentment fled. Princess Princess would help get Mum back, and get them all home safely. And that was all that mattered.

  A sudden thought occurred to him. ‘What about the dinosaurs?’ A tiny flicker of pleasure seeped through him. Even Princess Princess couldn’t disguise a dinosaur!

  Princess Princess bent down and picked something else out of the bag.

  ‘Get the dinosaurs together, Yesterday,’ she ordered.

  Yesterday looked at her for a second, then nodded. ‘Grrzp! Splkt!’

  The dinosaurs looked up reluctantly. One by one they trotted back to Yesterday, and bent their heads. The biggest had a bone between its razor jaws. It crunched it casually, swallowed and burped. A spray of bone dust splattered over the group.

  ‘Yuck,’ said Princess Princess. ‘I so didn’t need dino dribble on my dress. Make sure they don’t do it again.’ She held the can up in front of her.

  Spritz!

  Suddenly the air was full of floating pink mist. It fell over the dinosaurs, leaving them coated in pink fuzz.

  ‘See?’ said Princess Princess proudly. ‘Instant poodles!’ She handed a bundle to Yesterday. ‘Put these on them too.’

  Yesterday nodded, still silent. She gestured to the dinosaurs to bend down.

  False ears and fluff for the ends of their tails, realised Boo. Pink fur, false ears and tail-puffs, pink bows to glue onto their heads, pink harnesses and leads…Princess Princess had thought of everything.

  Suddenly the dinosaurs really did look like…

  Well, not quite poodles. He had to admit he didn‘t quite achieve poodleosity either. But maybe we look like poodles from another universe, he thought hopefully. Nice big tender poodles for the Greedle to eat.

  He looked at the creatures again. They were making little hissing noises as they examined each other. Was it anger or delight? Or just shock at so much pink fuzzy dino skin?

  Why did he feel so cold? It must be the lack of fur, thought Boo. It couldn‘t be terror. This was what he‘d been working towards for nearly a year! All the push-ups and the walking-on-two-legs practise to get to Hero School; all the embarrassments and boo-boos of his first months learning to be a Hero. All had been leading up to this.

  He cleared his throat. ‘Time to—’ he began.

  ‘Doom! Doom! Doom!’ Boo looked up as Graunt Doom hobbled down the path from Rest in Pieces, a zombie muffin wriggling in her hand. She bashed it with her stick, then took a bite. Dr Mussells walked behind her. Boo blinked. It was the first time he had ever seen the principal walk, instead of swinging through the air. He looked smaller somehow.

  Graunt Doom grinned. ‘Doom! Doom! is traditional send-off for Heroic Expedition,’ she boomed.

  Boo gulped. ‘Then it doesn’t mean we’re doomed?’

  ‘Someone always doomed on Heroic Expedition, wolf-puppy. Don’t know if it you.’

  Dr Mussells simply said, ‘Good luck. You’ll need it.’ He patted Boo on the head, then reached to shake the others’ hands. He looked up a bit helplessly at the poodlesaurs, whose pink paws were way above the old monkey’s head—Boo had never seen the principal look helpless before either—then contented himself with another ‘Good luck’ up in their general direction.

  ‘Thank you, Dr Mussells.’ Princess Princess raised one arm Heroically above her curls. ‘We who are about to invade the Ghastly Otherwhen and Heroically rescue Boo’s mum salute you. Well, don’t just stand there,’ she added to the others. Princess Princess stalked towards the wormhole, then peered back. ‘Come on.’ She picked up Boo’s lead.

  Queen Splendifera of Yukke marched into the wormhole, tugging Boo behind her.

  Question: What’s ten metres tall, has razor claws and purple fangs?

  Answer: Who cares? Run!

  FROM THE VERY VERY NASTY BOOK OF VERY VERY NASTIES

  19

  Something Nasty in the Wormhole

  It was dark inside the wormhole. It was always dark inside wormholes, Boo told himself. So there was no reason for the darkness to scare him now. At least he had his nose to tell him what was happening, and the faint light shining through the joints in Mug’s armour.

  Mug was at the head of the Expedition now, holding the Ghastly Otherwhen beetle in his hand. He looked startlingly sombre in his dark armour. Yesterday walked behind, holding the poodlesaurs’ pink leads.

  Princess Princess’s skirts swished along the ground. She hoisted them up gracefully, her gold boots gleaming green in Mug’s fungus glow, then turned to glare at Boo. ‘Can’t you keep up—?’ she began. Her eyes widened. ‘What are you doing?’

  Boo lowered his leg. ‘Widdling.’

  ‘You’re widdling. Actually widdling on a Heroic Expedition! Ha!’ said Princess Princess, tugging on the lead again. ‘I can’t wait to tell everyone when we get back. Boo-Boo’s boo-booed. Widdling before we’ve even got—’

  ‘You be quiet,’ rumbled Mug.

  Boo blinked. Mug was so good-natured. But then he’d never set off for the Ghastly Otherwhen in a suit of metal armour before.

  ‘Widdling is werewolf Hero talent. Boo widdle for a reason. That right, Boo?’

  ‘Um.’ Boo tried to think. He’d never actually made the decision to widdle. His leg had just lifted of its own accord.

  But it felt…right, he thought. He’d never wanted to widdle in a wormhole before. It was as though his body knew what to do before his brain.

  ‘I’m marking the way,’ he said at last. ‘This way we can follow the scent to get back—or I can, anyhow. And another werewolf can follow our scent if anyone wants to rescue us too.’

  ‘Hello? I’m so not believing this,’ said Princess Princess/Queen Splendifera sweetly. ‘You don’t have to find your way back in wormholes. They just take you back. Or haven’t you noticed?’

  ‘I’ve noticed,’ said Boo shortly.

  He glanced behind him. Yesterday was speaking in a low voice to her dinosaurs. They stayed in a close huddle around her, as though they knew she might need protection. Or maybe, thought Boo, they were just happy to be back with her. Boo was glad they were looking after her—those teeth and claws were nice and deadly, even camouflaged in pink fuzz. But it meant he didn’t have a chance to talk to her either.

  He tugged on his lead again. Princess Princess turned back.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Look,’ said Boo. ‘Now there are more of us—more than just me and Mug—’

  ‘Squeak,’ said the mouse.

  ‘—and Squeak—’

  Princess Princess snorted. ‘As though a mouse is going to be much help against a universe of bogeys—’

  ‘We need to work out what we’re going to do when we come out of the wormhole in the Ghastly Otherwhen,’ continued Boo stubbornly.

  ‘It’s easy.’ Princess Princess tapped her golden foot. ‘Two things can happen. We’ll be met by a pack of sentinel bogeys who will accept our disguise. They’ll lead us to the Greedle’s fortress and we’ll rescue your mum. Or if the bogeys attack us as soon as we get there, the dinosaurs will fight them off. Then we capture a bogey, and force it to lead us to where the Greedle used to live. And if we meet any handsome princes on the way,’ she added casually, ‘they can join us. Or do you have a better Plan?

  ‘No,’ said Boo.

  ‘Then come on.’

  They kept walking. It felt weird to have someone tugging on a lead attached to him. He glanced back, but the dinosaurs didn’t seem to mind it. Maybe they just wanted to stay close to Yesterday anyhow. Now and then Boo’s leg lifted automatically and he sprinkled a few drops on the wormhole walls. The drips vanished as soon as they hit the darkness, but his nose told him that some of the smell remained.

  Of course Princess Princess was right, he told himself. Princess Princess always answered every question correctly in class, so she must be right about this too. There was no conceivable reason to keep lifting his leg. But somehow he was glad he’d left the sprinkles behind.

  Surely they�
�d been walking long enough now? Even as the thought came to him they began to rise. Up, up…

  Boo gulped. They were there! Any second now he’d actually see the Ghastly Otherwhen, the first Heroes to do so since Lottie’s doomed Expedition. He took a deep breath, just in case a horde of bogeys was going to—

  ‘Come back! Now! All of you!’

  It was Yesterday.

  What did the werewolf say when the beautiful Princess Princess asked him where fleas lived? Search me!

  FROM MYBLOG!MYACTUALBLOG!@BLOGVERSE.BLOG

  20

  This Way to the Exit

  Boo slipped his head out of his collar and scampered a few metres back down the wormhole towards Yesterday. He sat on his haunches, no longer rising through the ceiling, in time to see Princess Princess’s gold boots and skirts vanish up above them. But Mug, too, had come back when Yesterday called.

  ‘What is it?’ he panted. Yesterday stood surrounded by her dinosaurs, her eyes closed, her face both strained and empty. ‘Can you See something?’

  ‘I can See…nothingness…’ Yesterday’s voice was empty too. ‘Princess Princess is in the nothingness…’

  Boo didn’t stop to think. He bounded back along the wormhole to where they had risen before and felt himself slide upwards once again.

  Slowly, slowly…did it always take so long? And suddenly he was there, or somewhere anyway, his head poking into blackness all around. Blackness. Emptiness. Nothing to see…

  Eyes were no use in nothingness. But his nose still worked. Princess Princess was slightly to his left. His jaws grabbed her skirt. He tugged and dived back into the wormhole.

  Thud! They landed in a tumble of arms and paws on the cold stone floor.

  ‘Oooofggh! What do you think you’re doing, you dumb dog?’ Princess Princess clambered up and stood with her hands on her hips. ‘You bit my bum! My actual bum!’