Recipe for Disaster

by Theda Vallee

  “Ms. Factor, where were you the other night when some psycho unleashed the Tarantella on Myrtle Mary’s?”

  “Performing. We do live shows three nights a week. I’m the host for every one of them,” Maxine said. “You’ve seen it, weren’t you at our charity auction? Which reminds me, where is that tall, handsome ginger you were with? If someone has to frisk me, can I request him?”

  “You think he’s cute? Can I give him your number? I don’t want to get too far off topic, but I don’t think he’d be opposed to playing good cop-naughty cop with you,” I said, bouncing with excitement. Brady would be over the moon when I told him.

  “Please do give him my number. I’d love to take him out sometime.”

  “That’s enough!” Leontyne shouted. The look she gave me was foul enough to wilt flowers. “We’re here on official business, not to set our suspect up with a date. Ms. Factor, can you explain why your organization staged several highly visual protests in the past year?”

  “First, I don’t care who you are, you don’t come into my office yelling at me. Ms. Etta was getting to know me like a gentleman before she fucked me. She has manners. Now, why has my organization been holding protests? You tell me. Can you name one species in the supernatural world that doesn’t throw their babies out in the street like garbage the second they smell a whiff of something they don’t like? Do you know how many kids I’ve brought in those doors over the last few years? Kids who were beaten, abused, and left for dead? So, yes, we held protests in front of the Osservatori offices. I don’t know how else to get through to the council that this is a crime just like the other shit you spend your days chasing. Does it mean I unleashed an ancient curse in a nightclub full of humans? Baby, do I look that stupid? Are you here because you really think I did it, or are you here because we make easy scapegoats?” Maxine sat back in his chair, intently watching Leontyne.

  She casually crossed her legs, not seeming to notice Maxine had just verbally smacked her. Slowly, she reached into her jacket pulling out a baggy. Inside the bag was a small sample of red glitter from the club. What the hell was she doing with that?

  “I believe you have a signature look, you call it your ‘Ruby Slipper’ lips. Do you have the glitter you use for that look available?” she asked, staring right back at him.

  Maxine stood up gracefully and moved over to a vanity in the far corner of the room. He grabbed a tube of glitter without hesitation before regally marching back to place the container in front of Leontyne.

  The glitter in the bag was a deep garnet red, almost brown. Maxine’s glitter was a bright candy-apple red. “You’re welcome to look at my vanity table. This is my signature color, and the only red I keep on hand. If you don’t mind, I have a show to get ready for. Some of us are supporting other people and have to work for our money. Ms. Massoni, it was a pleasure meeting you. Please give that big hunk of carrot cake my number. I’d be happy to give him a private show.”

  With a wave of his hands, we were dismissed. I stood up, not waiting to see if Leontyne had more questions. I was officially over this shit. We’d stormed into a charity for homeless teenagers and accused the man who worked his ass off to fund it of killing a club full of people. A man who’d made the suspect list because he wore red glitter and protested the supernatural community’s treatment of kids. I wasn’t staying another damn minute, even if she threatened me.

  Pulling open the door, I stomped out of the building. I didn’t care if Leontyne was behind me. If I were lucky, the door would swing shut on her perfect, stupid face. It wasn’t like I had delusions that she was on my side. I sure as hell didn’t think she was a good person, but I’d hoped she had some damn common sense. We were out here chasing a dead end because of ignorant prejudices.

  The image of those people in the club would haunt me for the rest of my life. Instead of hunting down who did it, we were harassing an innocent man. A man who spent his life trying to save the vulnerable in his community. The same ones we claimed to protect. How was I supposed to do this every day, when injustices seemed to pile up at every turn? If I only had to worry about myself, I’d be tempted to go rogue. Let them try to catch me. I’d let Stella loose to do her worst. I had my family to worry about, though. My cooperation protected them, but there had to be a line I wouldn’t cross. At some point, I’d have to figure out what that line was.

  “Etta, stop,” Leontyne said, clamping her hand on my shoulder.

  Stella had been content to flit around in my stomach like an angsty teen the whole afternoon. As soon as Leontyne’s hand touched my shoulder, Stella lost her shit. I felt my magic rise, rushing to the surface. I flung out my will, the way Brady had taught me, trying to wrap the magic in my intent. A full-blown brawl erupted inside me as I grappled with the power Stella was trying to force out. I couldn’t lose control, especially not with Leontyne.

  Listen here, you petulant brat, we can’t do anything to her. Trust me, I want to punch her in the tit. That was total bullshit in there, but I’ll end up in prison being fed magic-killing drugs, and you’ll never see the light of day again. So, I need you to chill the fuck out. Got it?

  Stella made a few more passes at my ribs, before deciding to settle down. I took several deep breaths, making sure she burrowed back behind my kidneys before I opened my eyes again. I was grateful the temper tantrums weren’t as frequent as they used to be, but it was still a nightmare to argue with a demented firefly that lived in your gut.

  “Sorry, I wasn’t ignoring you. Stella didn’t like you touching me. We should avoid that going forward. What do you want from me?” The words poured out before I realized I was talking to myself. Leontyne was nowhere. I was next to her car, so I know she didn’t leave. Scanning the parking lot, there was no sign of her. Maybe she went back to the building? I took a step and tripped, catching myself before I fell. Looking down, I expected to find a concrete parking block. Instead, it was Leontyne lying face first on the asphalt. Did I do this? I didn’t feel magic seep out, but why else would she be on the ground. Fuck my life.

  I watched her chest, praying I’d see the slow rise and fall that meant she was alive. I didn’t know what kind of supernatural creature she was. What if she didn’t breathe like everyone else? Shit. I had no way of knowing if she was dead. No, I could check for a pulse. Vampires didn’t have pulses, but everything else did. Maybe. I wasn’t sure, but there was only one way to find out. Crouching down, I tilted her head back to extend her neck. Taking two fingers, I groped around searching for her carotid artery. I’d never done this before. I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to feel, but maybe it would be obvious.

  After a few minutes of poking around, I found a pulse. It seemed weak, but what did I know? At least she wasn’t dead, not yet, anyway. I dug my phone out of my pocket and called the one person I knew I could count on.

  “I’m trying on the cutest dress right now. Do you want me to send you a pic?” Nerina gushed when she answered.

  “I need help.” It was all I could get out before the tears flowed.

  “Where are you? Text me the address. I’m on my way. Just stay calm.”

  I blubbered out some incoherent response before hanging up. My hands shook like it was winter in Minnesota as I typed out the address and sent it to her. Nerina replied instantly, she was fifteen minutes away. I could keep it together for that long. Looking around, I realized I needed to look inconspicuous. If someone noticed me standing here, I didn’t want them coming over to ask questions. I balled my hands into fists and placed them on my waist. That seemed too angry, so I leaned my right shoulder forward. My legs felt like they were too stiff, so I jutted my left knee out. Why couldn’t I figure out how to stand normal right now? I felt like a baby giraffe trying to walk for the first time.

  “Girl, are you sick?” asked a deep voice laced with smoke and honey.

  I turned towards the voice to find a handsome man with rich, sable skin standing on the sidewalk. Looking up, I met his soft smoke-colored e
yes as he gazed at me expectantly.

  “Ms. Massoni, what have you done?” Maxine Factor asked, stepping out from behind the man.

  “I don’t know. I was pissed when we left, she grabbed me, and I must have let my magic out, and now she’s like this,” I said, fighting the tears that were clogging my throat. Why did I let this shit happen to me over and over?

  “Don’t worry, honey, we’ll help you out. Mother, can you lift her? We’ll take her to the club and see if Dr. Grande can handle this.”

  “You’re Mothership? I didn’t recognize you. I’m sorry. Look, my sister’s coming. You guys shouldn’t help me. It’s not safe for you,” I said. The last thing I wanted was to give the Osservatori another reason to suspect Maxine.

  “Nonsense, baby girl, we always look out for our own,” Mother said. He scooped Leontyne off the ground, cradling her against his chest. “Tell your sister to meet us at the Emerald Queen. Wow, you fucked this lady up. Color me impressed.”

  I followed behind him, too dazed to argue. It seemed like a bad idea to let suspects help us out. I’m sure if Luc were here, he’d list a million reasons why I shouldn’t do this. But he wasn’t here, and Leontyne needed a doctor.

  “Do you think the doctor can fix her?” I asked, climbing into the car.

  “Girl, you put her into a catatonic state, but our doc will get her fixed up easy. Probably as easy as Maxine is on a Friday night.” Mother said, his deep-baritone laughter filling the car.

  “Bitch, I ain’t that easy. I never sleep with anyone on a first date unless it involves a plate of nachos,” Maxine turned to me and with a wink and said, “You can let your ginger friend know how to seal the deal.”

  I leaned my head back on the soft leather seats, trying not to think about how screwed I was. If Leontyne didn’t kill me when she woke up, I should buy an SUV like this. It could be my ‘I almost killed Leontyne and survived’ gift to myself.

  Chapter Nine

  Mother pulled into the parking lot nestled behind a moss-colored building. A gold-neon marquee on the front said we’d arrived at the Emerald Queen. It was another club I’d never been to. How many bars did one city need?

  The car eased into a spot behind the building. A gold door stood out against the wall of endless green. I could make out a small sign that said Employees Only. At least we could sneak in through the back. A giant drag queen hauling an unconscious woman through a nightclub might cause some unwanted attention.

  Hopping down from the car, I followed Maxine and Mother to the door. Maxine knocked, waving his hand in front of the peephole. The door swung open, revealing a petite man with his hands on his hips. “You can’t bring a dead woman into my club. I don’t know what she did to you, but you need to find somewhere else to dump her carcass.”

  Mother chuckled, shaking his head. “She’s not dead, and I didn’t do this. Now get out of the way. This carcass is getting heavy. Go find Dr. Grande, tell him we need some help. Little Ms. Oops-I-Did-It-Again can’t undo what she did.”

  I looked at Mother in surprise. “How did you know that I’ve done things like this to her before?”

  “Honey, people love to gossip. We hear all kinds of stories about all kinds of folks,” Mother answered.

  I was getting tired of people somehow knowing everything about me. It was annoying and weird. There had to be other exciting things in the supernatural world beside me.

  The small man waved his long pink fingernails beckoning us inside. I followed as Maxine led the way down a narrow hallway. Pictures of famous divas lined the walls on either side. Some of the pictures looked like they’d been taken here. Nobody famous ever willingly stepped foot in Palermo Bay. How did they get some of the biggest stars in the world to perform here?

  We hustled past open doors where men sat in front of mirrors in various stages of readiness. A chorus of greetings and heckles followed as we passed each room. Maxine waved but kept moving. Mother followed slowly behind me. He was taking extra care not to smack Leontyne’s head on the walls. That was nice of him but unnecessary if you asked me. She’d never notice a few extra bumps when she woke up.

  We reached a closed door at the end of the hall. Maxine knocked, pausing for a moment before swinging the door open. He ushered us in, closing the door behind him. The room was like the others we’d passed in the hall. Mirrored vanities ran along one wall with stacks of makeup neatly organized on top. A large rack stuffed with clothing stood in the back of the room. Mother shuffled over to a worn velvet chaise, dropping Leontyne on to it. Her unconscious form bounced slightly on the cushions before settling in a haphazard pile of limbs.

  Turning to me with a grin, Maxine said, “Welcome to where the magic happens.”

  “Is this where you become Maxine?”

  Maxine nodded, gesturing to the rack of clothing that was exploding with sequins and feathers. “We perform here three nights a week. M.O.D. owns the building, so everything we make goes right back into the kids’ home.”

  “I shouldn’t pry, but how do you afford these clothes and wigs if you’re not making any money?” I asked. It was rude, but did he really expect me to believe that every penny went back into the charity?

  “This is the land of dreams, dear. Anything is possible with a little magic and spit.”

  I smiled wondering what the spit to magic ratio was. Gazing at all the beautiful things they used to transform into their drag personas, I couldn’t help but feel like it was magic. Looking at them, there was nothing extraordinary. They looked like guys that might work at the bank. In a few hours, they’d step out of this room in drop-dead gorgeous ensembles, throwing talent around like it was confetti.

  The thought of transforming into someone else was tempting. Some days, it would be nice not to be me. Unfortunately, I didn’t have that luxury. Especially right now. I needed to know why the hell they were helping me. This was dangerous for them. It would be easy for the Osservatori to tell everyone that Maxine attacked Leontyne during our visit. I was a weak witness. No one trusted or believed anything I said. Their whole lives could be ruined by doing this for me.

  I leveled my gaze at Maxine. “I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but why are you helping me? You just met me today. As a matter of fact, you met me because I came to your office to question you. You know I’m an agent for the Osservatori. You’re putting yourself at risk by doing this, and there needs to be a good reason for that.”

  “Does there have to be a good reason? Did you have a good reason for arguing with your partner when she tried to throw out some bullshit evidence today?” Maxine asked, pulling out a chair from the vanity and motioning me to sit. “We know who you are. All the supernatural community has heard of you.”

  “I had a damn good reason. It was wrong. We were there harassing you instead of chasing down real leads. And how has everyone heard of me? What the hell is so special about me?”

  “Why did the Osservatori let you live?”

  I took a deep breath, thinking about the day I went in front of the council. The faces around the table sneering at me, as I begged for my life. They hadn’t shown me an ounce of empathy. Their only concern had been whether or not I could be used. Staring at the wall behind Maxine, I answered, “They want me as a weapon.”

  “Our mission at the Ministry is to help anyone who’s in need, not just the kids. Seems to me like you need someone on your side,” Maxine said. “Someone who isn’t interested in using you for anything.”

  “How do you know you can trust me?” I asked. What I really meant was, how did I know I could trust him? In the back of my mind, the warnings I’d received from Hellweg and the Benandanti set off alarms. They’d told me not to trust anyone. Fuck. I wanted to collapse into a heap and pour my heart out to Maxine. He understood the cruelty of the world we were trying to navigate and could be a good friend. I wouldn’t, though. I was too afraid of being wrong. What if this was a trick to gain my trust? Nonna had been right, we didn’t know the game we were playing. Until w
e knew more, it was better to suspect everyone.

  Maxine reached out, taking my hand. Clasping it, he looked at me with a hint of sadness darkening his eyes. “I’m going with my gut on this one. Jesus help me if I’m wrong, but I think we can trust you.”

  I nodded, trying to smile. “Thank you. I appreciate your help.” Leontyne muttered softly from the lounge. I’d been so worried about why the hell Maxine would help me I’d almost forgotten why we were here. “Do you think your doctor can wipe her memory?”

  Mother, who’d been hovering anxiously over Leontyne laughed loudly. “Baby, if he could do that, I’d ask him to obliterate my twenties and a few nights last year.”

  The door creaked open, and the tiny man from earlier strutted into the room with a cup held out in front of him. “All right, bitches, the doctor will be here in a few seconds. Here mama, I got you something to drink. You looked sick.”

  He shoved the mug into my face. “Oh, thank you. What is it?”

  “It’s an old family recipe. It’ll give you fortitude like people had in the olden days.”

  I wasn’t sure that I needed old-timey fortitude, but I took a sip, anyway. The vile concoction scorched a trail down my esophagus, leaving me coughing as I gasped for air. “What is in that?”

  “Sam, did you give her that juice your mama makes in the tub?” Mother demanded.

  “What? She looked like she needed a drink. Is it my fault she doesn’t know what fortitude means?”

  “Etta, what are you doing here?” Leander asked. He stood awkwardly in the door, his dark eyebrows arched in surprise. In between coughing fits, I gestured over to the chaise. With two massive strides, he was behind me. Lifting my arms, he said, “Lock your fingers behind your head. It’ll help open up your diaphragm.”