Recipe for Disaster

by Theda Vallee

  “Is there a way to figure out what the spells are? We need to know to break them, right?”

  “My mother could pick apart the layers, but she would exact a price. Owing her would not be nearly as delightful as owing me,” he said, his lips pressed into a thin line with thought. “However, if you can find the right spell, it will undo the nasty bits and maybe a few of the protection spells, but that’s a minor inconvenience. He can easily reapply those.”

  I nodded, hoping Nerina would know of something. “Let me call everyone in for a quick huddle. Are you okay waiting here?”

  With a nod from Kazimir, I hustled out of the closet to gather the troops. “Hey, guys can we have a meeting in the closet really quick? Wait, when did you two get here?”

  Nonna and Aunt Sophia were in the living room fussing over the circle Nerina was outlining on the floor. I had told Nerina not to tell them where she was going. Easton was still watching the house. How the hell did they sneak past him? I probably didn’t want to know right now.

  Everyone followed me into the pantry, making it a tight squeeze despite its size. We would’ve fit just fine if we didn’t have two extra people.

  “Well, hello there tall, dark, and crushingly handsome. I’m Nerina,” my sister said fluttering her eyelashes at Kazimir as she strategically placed herself next to him.

  I pushed past Nerina to squeeze in next to Kazimir, making sure she saw the side-eye I was throwing her way. “Quick recap for those of you just joining us: This is Kazimir, the Unseelie prince. He helped us save the queens. He felt the argument we had with Luc and came here to check on me. While we were talking, he said he could see if there were any spells on Luc just by looking. He checked and said it’s not good. So, we need to figure out a multi-purpose spell breaker to undo whatever gross magic is sticking to Luc.”

  Nonna crossed her arms across her chest, scowling at me. “What do you mean he felt the argument? Also, what argument?”

  “That’s so rude,” Nerina said, stomping her foot. “I was getting everything ready.”

  “I told you this wasn’t like him,” Brady said, a look of relief washing over him.

  I could feel my blood pressure rise as everyone tried to shove in their two cents. We would never figure out what was going on if everyone had to talk. “Can you please shut up and let Kaz explain?”

  “I’m uncertain what attributes the dark spells are imparting on his personality. He may still be a big-headed prig after they’re removed. However, at the moment there is reason to believe that not all of his behaviors are his doing,” Kazimir said.

  “Okay, but is there a reason we’re crammed in the closet discussing this?” Gia asked.

  I rolled my eyes at her, trying not to scream. “Luc can still hear things, and we don’t want him to know about Kazimir. We can’t explain how I met him.”

  “We have a bigger problem,” Vee said, waving a cell phone above our heads. “Luc’s phone would not stop buzzing, so I checked it. He has received a directive from headquarters that is disturbing.”

  Vee had been a part of this organization for a very long time. If she said that there was a disturbing directive, then it had to be all sorts of fucked-up. We didn’t need any more shit added to our growing list of issues, but the look on her face told me it was a doozy.

  “What is it?” I said with a huff.

  “An assassination order,” she said her giant blue eyes blinking rapidly.

  “A what?” I asked, certain I was confused about the word she’d just said.

  Nerina grabbed for the phone shouting, “Who?”

  “Why would they send that to Luc?” Aunt Sophia asked nobody in particular.

  Everyone in the closet started speaking at once as the news settled over us. Everyone except me. I stood there mutely, not sure what to say. Why would they send that to Luc? Did it have something to do with the dark magic that was cast on him? There was no telling how long those spells had been in place or what exactly they did. Could it be a spell to turn him into an assassin, or was he already one? It stood to reason that the Osservatori wouldn’t just start sending him orders to kill people unless they were expecting him to follow without question. Fucking hell. I really had shitty taste in men.

  “Silenzio!” Nonna held her small hand up like a stop sign. She looked at each person in the room, her eyes narrowed in warning. “We will have order in this closet. Vellamo, dear, please tell us who they want to make killed.”

  “Someone called Robert Abridacio,” she said, turning the phone towards us.

  Nerina grabbed my arm, digging her talon-length nails into my arm. We were staring at a screen capture from the news. They had taken a still shot of Bob the Cancer frozen in time with a large glob of spittle flying from his mouth.

  “That’s the guy that attacked Etta at the club a few months ago,” Gia said. “I think we should let Luc kill him.”

  Aunt Sophia smacked Gia in the back of the head. “We do not wish anyone to be died, Gia Marie.”

  “You guys have the same middle name?” Brady asked.

  “How is that even important right now? Do either of you know anything about the Osservatori having assassins? Or how about Luc being one?” I asked, rubbing the bridge of my nose in frustration.

  Vee shook her head no. Brady shook his head as well and said, “I can say one of the biggest goals of the Osservatori has always been to preserve human life. We don’t want a reason for humans to rise up against us. We have treaties with governments across the world that say we’ll stay hidden and keep the humans from being hunted by all the things that go bump in the night.”

  “We already know that. It’s why everyone is in freak-out mode right now with the Tarantella attacks. What do you think would happen if the world governments found out we sent someone to murder a human?” I asked.

  “I can answer this, having studied the political machinations of the human and supernatural worlds extensively,” Kazimir said. “Between the recent unfortunate attacks on humans and an outright murder, it would be enough to bring some very unpleasant censures. Our ability to live in or traverse the human realm would be rescinded. There may be the use of militant forces to ensure we comply.”

  My mouth dropped open as the reality hit me “Why the hell would the Osservatori risk war over some jerk who’s spewing nonsense on the news? It doesn’t make sense.”

  “That’s the million-dollar question, my little hellcat.”

  “Does anyone else think it’s weird that this dude already has a nickname for Etta? I mean, you just met, right?” Nerina asked, throwing her hands up like this was the most critical question of the hour.

  “So, we have people dropping dead from the Tarantella, a boss full of nasty magic, and an assassination hit out on a piece-of-shit human who doesn’t deserve to live but also shouldn’t die because it could spell doom for all of us,” Brady said looking around the room before a slow, half-crazed laugh fell from his lips. “Ladies, I believe the shit has actually hit the fan.”

  Nonna reached up and pulled on his ear. “No curse words, Mr. Brady.”

  “Does anyone have any idea how to solve any of this?” Gia asked.

  Nerina raised her hand, looking at me expectantly. “You don’t need to raise your hand Nerina. What?”

  “I can work on finding a spell to break the curse on Luc. I have a few ideas of what we can try, and I have a few resources we can look at if those don’t work.”

  “I’ll help her. I’ve been doing good with my spell work on inanimate objects. I’m pretty sure I can replicate that on the living,” Gia offered.

  “What do we do about Bob?” I asked, knowing the answer despite my better judgment.

  “We must protect him,” Nonna said, her squared shoulders daring anyone to argue with her.

  I nodded in agreement, even though the last person on earth I wanted to save was Bob. “And what about the Tarantella? We have to find out who’s responsible and stop it so that all of this insanity can calm down
,”

  “I can go see what other leads the Osservatori are sitting on,” Brady offered.

  Kazimir twirled his hands in the air like a Las Vegas magician. “I have people who observe things. I’m happy to see what they might know,” Kazimir offered.

  “He means spies, right? Does this guy say everything the weirdest way possible?” Nerina asked.

  “Yeah. He’s a little extra,” I said, grinning at her. “What exactly would we owe you for that Kazimir?”

  “This would be no charge. It’s in the service of the greater good.”

  I closed my eyes, trying to think of anything we might have missed. We’d covered all the bases—for now, anyway. “Great. You guys go find leads. The rest of us will go try to save Bob. I literally never thought those would be words I’d say.”

  I was taking a vacation when this was done. A long vacation. I’d go somewhere with pool boys and drinks with little umbrellas in them, and no one in this damn closet was coming with me.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Even Dolly Parton would think I look cheap,” I said running my hands over the enormous false breasts Aunt Sophia had shoved into my bra. “Is there a reason you had to give me this insane set of tits?”

  We’d decided I needed a disguise since Bob knew what I looked like. I’d suggested a hoodie and dark sunglasses. Vee and Aunt Sophia were convinced I was still recognizable despite all of my prominent features being hidden. I was too tired to argue with them, so I’d let them cobble together a disguise that they were very proud of. I was deeply regretting that right now.

  Aunt Sophia smiled with pride as she tucked a piece of the platinum-blonde wig behind my ear. “You say he likes pretty women. We want to make sure he finds you irresistible to follow, no?”

  I pulled the silicone chicken cutlets out of my bra and tossed them on the bed. “No. Why can’t we just magic his ass and throw him in the trunk?”

  “I think you look cute,” Vee said with a saucy grin.

  “Sarcasm isn’t a good look for you,” I said, making sure my words dripped with displeasure.

  Pulling out my cell phone, I rechecked the map to make sure I knew where we were going. Bob had been easy to find with a quick internet search. Social media sites led us to pictures of his house, which popped up an address when I did a reverse image search. Finally, all the hours I’d spent watching TV had been useful. The guys from Catfish were getting a thank you email from me when this was over.

  Turns out Bob was sleazy in all aspects of his life. He was a pharmaceuticals rep for one of the big companies that had been censured three times in the last two years for bribing doctors. Want to guess who was listed in two of those censures? Good old Bob. Selling drugs for big pharma seemed to be more lucrative than dealing street drugs, and it had the added perk of being legal. Bob lived in a swank townhouse community with a private beach and marina. If he had a yacht named Sea Witch overflowing with bikini-clad women, I would let the Osservatori kill him. No one should be that much of a stereotype and not pay for it.

  “All right, let’s go. I don’t have my car since Brady drove me here. Vee, can you drive?”

  Her pointy teeth poked into her bottom lip with an exaggerated frown. “I left my car at headquarters.”

  I looked at Aunt Sophia, who was bouncing on the balls of her feet in excitement. She loved to drive. Gia tried to keep her from getting behind the wheel because she was one of the worst drivers in the state. That title had been bestowed upon her by a highway patrol officer just last week. One more ticket for reckless driving and Gia would get her wish because the state of California would suspend her license.

  “Since I know where we’re going, what if I drive us in your car?” I asked.

  “It’s my car. I will do the drive,” she said, snatching up her keys and holding them in a death grip against her chest.

  Nonna stepped into the room with a sour look. Her eyes roved over me from head to toe, shooting laser beams of disapproval. “Why are you dressed like la puttana?”

  The red-denim skirt was too short for her liking, but it covered my ass, so she usually would shrug that off. The blue-sequined bikini top underneath the white-mesh shirt was probably what had set her puttana meter off. I looked like a 4th of July discount hooker special. Nonna would really freak out if I told her that these were all my clothes. Bits of my wardrobe had migrated to Luc’s house. Most of it was odds and ends I’d never wear together, until today.

  “That’s not very feminist of you, Nonna. It’s called slut-shaming, and we don’t do that anymore. Auntie, since you’re clinging to those keys for dear life, I guess you’re driving.”

  “She is not driving me anywhere,” Nonna reached for the keys, intent on wrestling them away from her sister.

  I put my arm out between them, giving my grandmother a stern look. “It’s her car. She gets to drive. At least she drives the speed limit, unlike some people in this room.”

  “Hey!” Vee and Nonna’s protested in unison.

  Stress was gnawing at me as I slid on the silver platform shoes that finished my disguise. We had a very loose plan. Too loose for my comfort. Why would we try to come up with something substantial when we could half-ass it? I’d tried to craft a detailed plan, but it had been pointless. No matter what job I gave Aunt Sophia, she forgot what she was supposed to do within seconds. Nonna thought everything I came up with was stupid, and Vee just smiled and nodded, giving no input. At this point, we were driving to Bob’s house to keep watch. If someone showed up to kill him, we’d do our best to bungle the assassination attempt. We had to keep our identities anonymous somehow while we did that. How any of that would work was beyond me.

  We headed downstairs, with Nonna imperially leading the way. Nerina looked up from the spellbook in her lap, greeting us with a loud braying laugh. “That’s the disguise you came up with? You look like American hooker Barbie.”

  I looked around to make sure Nonna wouldn’t see and flipped her my middle finger. “We’re heading out. Keep your cell phone charged and near you at all times. I’ll check in often. If we run into trouble, you need to call Brady ASAP.”

  She nodded her head while rolling her eyes. With a shooing motion, she went back to scouring her book. Gia came up, holding out a cloth bag cinched at the top.

  “Thought you could use a few goodies, just in case. I know you have your magic, but these might help. Especially with the crack team you have going with you.”

  “Do they have an activation word?”

  “I designed these to activate when thrown. It was tricky, but they’ve been testing well. I froze Brady twice last week,” she said.

  I took the bag, giving her a brief hug. I appreciated the thought. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that a bag of magic-imbued stones that activated when thrown was probably the last thing we should have in the car with her mother.

  The first hitch in our plan had been getting into the gated community. Who knew you had to have a pass or be on a guest list? I wasn’t swank enough to have ever been to a place that had a guest list. It took some work, but we convinced the guard at the gate we were coming to surprise our sick Aunt who lived there. Between my sequined breasts and Aunt Sophia’s sobbing, we’d worn the poor guy down. I was glad there hadn’t been a woman on duty. There’s no way another woman would have fallen for our over the top theatrics.

  We sat parked a block from Bob’s townhouse. I’d been staring at his fancy red sports car for almost two hours. Why had no one ever mentioned how mind-numbingly boring stakeouts were? Playing games on my phone wasn’t an option since I needed to preserve battery life. Brady had told me a million times I needed to buy one of those portable chargers. I was kicking myself now. They’d been so cheap.

  When you’ve been in the car with a group of people for a few hours baking in the summer heat, everything they do annoys you. Aunt Sophia shifting in her seat every few minutes with an exaggerated huff was working one of my nerves. The tapping of Vee’s fingernails aga
inst the plastic interior was working yet another. For some reason, Nonna sitting in the front seat, acting like everything was fine annoyed me the most. Did she not hear the squeak of pleather every time my Aunt moved? If Bob didn’t show his grotesque self soon, I would throw these magic rocks out the window to shake things up.

  “I’m hungry,” Aunt Sophia said, her chestnut-colored eyes blinking at me forlornly in the rearview mirror. I shrugged my shoulders, letting her know I didn’t care. “Well, maybe we can order the pizza?”

  “Because that wouldn’t be suspicious. What do we put as our address? They don’t deliver to cars.”

  Her lip quivered like she was struggling to hold back tears. Good. I was pouring sweat in this hideous blonde wig they’d forced me to wear. Any sympathy I’d had, evaporated long ago.

  We fell back into silence, our eyes glued to the house. The only thing we had going for us was the sun would set soon. One thing I loved about living near the ocean was the chill air that swept over the mainland at night. No matter where you were, the breeze would lift your hair, cooling you off from the heat of the day.

  A piercing horn sound filled the car, causing all of us to jump. My boobs almost tumbled out of their sequined nipple covers as I jerked around to find the source. Vee fumbled in her bag, pulling out Luc’s cell phone. She held it away from her body like it was a dead spider that might spring back to life in her hand.

  “Why did you bring Luc’s phone?” I asked.

  “In case important information came through that we could use,” she replied hesitantly.

  “So, what does it say?”

  Everyone in the car turned to Vee as her lips moved as she silently read the text. It took everything in me not to snatch the phone out of her hand and read it out loud. When someone asks you what it says, they’re not asking for a summary.

  “They are asking for confirmation that the mission has been received and is in process.”

  Shit. Luc would have answered them by now. He lived and breathed for the organization. There’s no way he’d let a message sit on his phone without replying. Especially not a murder message.