Recipe for Disaster

by Theda Vallee

  “We need to reply. They’ll get suspicious if we don’t,” I said eyeing the cellphone with distrust. “Send a message back.”

  “Me? I would not know what to say. You know Luc better than any of us,” Vee said, holding the phone out to me.

  I pushed her hand away, refusing to touch the phone. “I’ve only known him for a few months. You’ve known him way longer. Besides, you know all the lingo to use.”

  Shaking her head, she held the phone out to me again. I ignored her. She waved it in front of my face, her pearlescent skin sending rainbows skittering across the roof of the car.

  Nonna let out a frustrated groan from the front seat. She reached her hand over, snatching the phone from Vee. “I must do everything for you children.”

  After a minute of furious typing, she handed the phone back over the seat. I took it from her, staring at the screen. Nonna didn’t know Luc, but she knew how to make people trust her. She had to have come up with something good.

  Reading the message, I gasped in horror. I read the text aloud, my voice high pitched and weird. “Sorry bro, I lost my charger. I’m on it like gravy on biscuits. Roger, Roger. 10-4. That’s the brilliant response you had? There’s no way they’ll think that’s Luc. Or they’ll think he’s high and call him in.”

  Nonna shrugged her shoulders, refusing to look back at me. “I watch the police shows, it is very accurate.”

  “Is that Bob’s car?” Aunt Sophia asked as his red sports car zoomed past us.

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake!” I yelled.

  “Etta, language! Sister, please drive like the menace to the streets you are,” Nonna said calmly.

  Aunt Sophia beamed at Nonna, turning the key in the ignition before chirping out, “Seatbelts.”

  The car spun in the street as she slammed on the gas turning the wheel to face the direction Bob had gone. My stomach stayed where we’d been parked as she picked up speed, booking it down the residential road. I said a prayer to whoever might listen. Please don’t let there be any children or pets near the street right now.

  At the end of the road, we caught sight of Bob turning left towards the exit. With another burst of speed, we were screeching around the corner in pursuit. The red car gently turned right into traffic, as we flew past the guard booth, sparks flying out behind us as we hit the speed bump going ninety.

  Aunt Sophia slid into traffic, incurring the wrath of several drivers as a symphony of horns greeted us. The red car was still in sight up the road, but we’d lose him if we didn’t make up that distance.

  I had nothing to worry about. Our car flew down the three-lane road zigzagging in and out of lanes to keep him in our sight. As we closed the distance, Aunt Sophia slowed down. She kept pace, keeping two cars behind him as if she did this all the time.

  “This is excellent, Ms. Sophia,” Vee said.

  I nodded in agreement, wondering where the hell she’d learned how to tail someone. Bob tooled along the road, driving the speed limit. I could make out the back of his greasy head as he played air drums on his steering wheel. I bet his chest hair was streaming in the wind, too.

  Finally, we turned down a street lined with shops. It was the ritzy part of town that we never stepped foot in. Parking could cost more than a tank of gas at most of the lots that peppered the street. Ordinary people like us had to find street parking at one of the meters. The odds of that were about as likely as winning the lottery.

  Bob turned into the parking lot of a fancy burger place. It was one of those places that smothered everything in truffle oil and cilantro lime aioli before presenting you with a bill for forty bucks. That was if you only ordered a burger. The fries were always priced separately. Like it would kill them to throw a few damn potatoes on the plate for that price.

  “Should I pull over and let you out?” Aunt Sophia asked.

  I weighed the risk. Aunt Sophia’s older model Oldsmobile was already out of place. The four of us meandering along the sidewalk would get us spotted for sure. The wealthy could sniff out poor people from a mile away. “No, I don’t want to risk drawing attention to ourselves. If he’s eating, we have time. Maybe we can circle the block to see if any spaces open up.”

  “We can park there,” Vee said, pointing to a space someone had just taken.

  “He’s not leaving, he just got there,” I said dismissively.

  Vee motioned for Aunt Sophia to stop. She hopped out of the car and strode over to the man. The soft gleam of her glamour was visible to me as the fading sunlight bounced off of it. Her arms gestured wildly, every once in a while, her hand making contact with the man. After a few moments of intense conversation, the man got back into his car and started it up. Without so much as a backward glance, he pulled out of the spot as Vee waved us in.

  “What the hell was that?” I whispered, as she got back into the car. I glanced around to see if anyone had witnessed that weird interaction.

  She shook her head, her blue eyes shining with feigned innocence. Sneaky little water sprite. She had a few extra tricks up her sleeve. Not only could she travel through water portals, but now come to find out she had mind tricks she could play as well. Very interesting.

  Nonna nimbly climbed out of the car, stretching her body from side to side.

  “What are you doing? I thought we were just observing?” I asked, leaning out the window.

  She held her hand out to me and smiled. “I’m getting arthritis sitting in one spot. Besides, Sophia is hungry. We’ll go in and eat while you keep the watch out here.”

  “Why do we have to stay outside? I’m hungry, too, and why are you holding your hand out?”

  “I can’t afford to eat here, give me money.”

  My head bobbled around as I tried to keep my anger in check. It was never a good idea to let your frustration out on Nonna. She could make you feel like a fleck of dust in the cosmos with just a glare. Begrudgingly, I reached down to the floor yanking my bag up. Digging around, I found my wallet, and as I suspected, there was no cash. Nerina usually helped herself to whatever money I was dumb enough to leave in it.

  “Give me the plastic,” she demanded.

  I pulled my debit card out, placing it into her palm with a slight smack. This was the woman who kept all her money in a sock under her mattress because she didn’t trust banks. Funny, she had no problem using my card.

  “Have fun. We’ll just be sitting out here twiddling our thumbs,” I said, crossing my arms with a sullen pout.

  “At least you thought of something to keep yourself busy, dolce,” she said, pinching my cheek a little too hard.

  If she weren’t my grandmother, I would’ve kicked her.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I twiddled my thumbs for forty-five minutes. How long did it take to eat? I should have put my foot down when Nonna insisted on tagging along. When was I going to learn my lesson? My family didn’t need to be involved in Osservatori shenanigans. I was thick-headed when it came to learning life lessons. My brain was a liar. It somehow convinced me that things would be different this time, but they never were.

  I’d polished off a massive bottle of water while waiting, and the need to relieve myself had become urgent. Leaving the car didn’t seem like a smart idea, especially with my family doing God knows what in the restaurant, but there was only so many Kegels I could do. Nature’s call was body slamming my bladder at this point.

  “Vee,” I said, shaking her shoulder. She’d fallen asleep a while ago, emitting a light bubbling sound that I assumed was snoring. “I’m going into the restaurant to pee. You need to keep watch.”

  She blinked her eyes at me a few times before sitting up straight and stifling a yawn. “I am so sorry. I was neglectful of my duties. I will not fail you while you urinate.”

  “You’re fine, but thanks,” I replied, jumping out of the car and clenching my pelvic muscles.

  I rushed towards the restaurant in my glittery platform shoes, keeping my eye on the ground for obstacles. When I stepped insid
e, the smell of meat sent my stomach into a frenzy of audible growls. I hadn’t eaten in almost twenty-four hours. I’d never been that long without a meal in my life. My body was probably in survival mode now and would start hoarding calories the second I took even a nibble of food.

  “Can I help you?” the host asked from behind his podium. His eyebrow arched into his thin hairline as he looked me over.

  “I need to use the restroom,” I said, crossing my legs for emphasis.

  His lip curled into a sneer as he shook his head. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the restroom is for paying guests only,”

  I plastered a solicitous smile on my face and stepped closer to the podium. Leaning in, I whispered, “Look, I’ll be quick. In and out. Promise.”

  “We don’t allow prostitutes in this establishment.”

  “What? Fuck you. First off, you sell burgers. I don’t think any place that sells meat on a bun can call itself an ‘establishment.’ Second, I know the outfit and hair do nothing to help me, but this is a dis—” I stopped myself seconds from shouting the word disguise to the whole restaurant. “Costume. I’m going to a party, and I’m most definitely not a prostitute.”

  “It’s for paying guests only. You need to leave before I call security,” he said, waving his hand at me.

  “You’re a dick in case no one’s told you. Oh, and technically, I am a paying customer.” He was lucky I had a full bladder and a stakeout to finish, or I would’ve made a bigger scene. Instead, I huffed outside, praying I didn’t leave a trail of urine in my wake.

  Standing on the sidewalk, I scanned the storefronts looking for a coffee shop or somewhere I could slip in unnoticed. I needed a place that wasn’t guarded by some snooty employee. Nothing seemed promising. I walked over to the curb, scanning down the road. A few buildings over was an alley that connected with the next street over. It was too narrow for a car which would keep my exposure to a minimum. Was I desperate enough to pee in an alley? Yes, I was.

  Marching up to the opening, I glanced around to make sure no one was watching before slinking into the shadows. The streetlights didn’t penetrate past the opening, which gave me another barrier of concealment. Within a few feet, I was navigating almost blind. If I didn’t have magic to protect me, this would be a stupid move.

  Halfway down the alley was a large, metal waste bin. It would smell awful, but at least it would give me cover. It wasn’t ideal, but I was desperate. I squatted next to the bin careful to angle my butt towards the wall. I didn’t want to pee on my own feet. While I didn’t make a habit of urinating in alleys, let’s just say a few drunken nights had taught me how dangerous it could be. Closing my eyes, I unclenched my muscles and let it flow. As the warm stream hit the ground, I basked in the glorious relief.

  “I don’t want to be judgmental, but this is extraordinarily unbecoming.”

  My eyes flew open, and the hand that had been anchoring me on the wall shot up in defense. A fireball shot out of my hand, missing the person’s head by a fraction of an inch. Stella had launched into fight mode without warning as soon as I was startled.

  “That was not the welcome I was expecting,” Kaz said peeking out from behind the trash bin.

  I struggled to keep my precarious balance while forcing Stella to stand down, but gravity hated me. Tipping to the side, I fell into the puddle of piss that had collected under me. Falling didn’t stop my bladder from finishing what it had started. Urine continued to pour down my legs at an alarming pace. I had saved my shoes, but there was no saving my clothes.

  “Can you turn around or at do something helpful? Magic some fucking baby wipes or something. This is your fault.”

  “How is this my fault? I’m not the one defiling a back alley,” he said, before disappearing into the shadows. Reappearing a few moments later he held out a plush gray towel and a wet washcloth. “Here.”

  He shoved the items at me and turned around quickly. Not so quick that I didn’t see the amused grin on his face. Trying to clean myself up, I launched into a tirade. “You can’t jump out of the damn shadows any time you want. As you can see, I need privacy. I almost torched you, and I’m covered in urine. We need to set up some boundaries.”

  “I would think being covered in your own urine is preferable to being covered in someone else’s,” he said, turning around to gift me with his annoying smirk.

  “To each their own, however, my preference is to be urine free,” I said, dragging myself off the ground. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a stakeout to finish.”

  I stomped off towards the street too mortified to ask Kaz what the hell he was doing here. I’d already been gone too long. My crazy family was without supervision at the moment, which was never good.

  His hand wrapped around my wrist gently, tugging me back towards him. “You’re right. Please accept my apologies. We need to set some parameters in place. Your privacy isn’t subject to breach because you owe me a favor. What would make you feel comfortable?”

  A small strand of moonlight penetrated the darkness, illuminating his silver eyes like twin moons. It could be my imagination, but he looked sincere. Too bad I was soaked in piss standing next to a trash bin that smelled like rotten feet; otherwise, he might be a little swoon worthy.

  “Thank you. We can talk about those rules later. I’m assuming you didn’t pop out of the shadows to watch me pee?”

  “Right, I’ve got a lead that I think is worth following. An anti-human group of fae are hosting a gala this evening. My sources think we can gather information on who might be leading the Tarantella attacks if we attend.”

  “That sounds great, but we can’t just stroll into a fae gala asking questions.” Maybe he wasn’t as intelligent as I’d hoped. “I think they’d notice us.”

  “I haven’t survived the Unseelie court all these years on my charm alone,” he said his thumb tracing a circle on the inside of my wrist. “It’s a masquerade gala. We’ll cover our faces. What the masks don’t hide I can handle with a few little tricks. I’ll keep us from being sussed out. The last thing I’d do is put you in danger. I’m keen to cash in on my favor.”

  It sounded like the perfect place to find a lead, but I was currently the queen of urine. “I have nothing to wear. You said gala. That implies fancy right?”

  “You didn’t think I’d escort you to a masquerade in that getup? That outfit should be burnt as soon as time permits,” he said with a grimace.

  “It was a disguise.”

  “Well, it is doing a bang-up job. Come along. You need to bathe before I let anything my tailors created touch your body.”

  Against my better judgment, I left Vee in charge of the stakeout. It’s not that I didn’t think she was capable. She was a great agent. It was Nonna and Aunt Sophia I didn’t trust. I had a hard-enough time keeping them from doing crazy things. Vee had no idea how to wrangle them. The gala was too important to pass up, so I was just going to pray. It was only for a few hours. They’d be fine.

  I’d been deposited in the reception room of the Shadowlands tree castle to wait while Kaz ran off to take care of things for tonight. Despite the risk, I was hoping we’d get some answers. The longer the attacks went on, the worse everything would get for everyone. We’d protected the queens, but there was no telling who the Osservatori would target next. Kaz had been willing to help so far, but I didn’t know when his willingness would end.

  “Milady, His Royal Highness asked me to attend you. Would you follow me, please?” A violet-hued ogress stood a few feet from me in a deep curtsy.

  “You don’t have to do that. I’m no one special.”

  As she straightened up, her face came into view, leaving me stunned. Pale-red eyes peered at me from a mask of scars. There were so many on her face, it didn’t seem real. Some of the scars were deep, fanning out into rivulets across her skin, while others were raised and shiny. There were scars layered on top of each other like someone had damaged the skin before it could fully heal. Whatever monster had done this to h
er wanted to make sure the damage was irreparable.

  “Milady?”

  “I’m sorry. I haven’t eaten in forever. I’m getting foggy-brained,” I said, hoping she believed me. The last thing I wanted was to make her feel self-conscious.

  “Follow me. I’ll make sure food is waiting when you’re done with your bath,” she said, bowing again.

  I trailed behind her, watching her plum-colored braids swing as she walked. She was broad and muscular but walked with the grace of a ballerina. I wanted to ask her what had happened to her face, but I knew that would be rude. If someone here was responsible for it, I wanted to make them pay. There was something about her that made me want to protect her.

  The ogress stopped at the door and swung it open, waiting for me to enter before closing it behind us. “These will be your chambers whenever you’re a guest here, milady. His Royal Highness selected them personally,” she said.

  My mouth dropped open as I looked around the room. It was breathtaking. The entire back wall was covered in windows that curved into the ceiling, giving a panoramic view of the sky and a lush garden. An enormous bed sat in the center, lined up to allow you to stargaze while lounging in bed. Sheer cream and sage fabric fell around the bed in soft folds while mounds of pillows invited you to dive in. Terracotta bricks framed a fireplace on one wall, while the other walls were covered in ornate mirrors and art. A small couch and several conversation chairs were scattered across the room, framed by bookshelves and plush white rugs. If I had any doubts I was in a palace before, they were gone now; this room screamed royalty.

  “Do all the rooms look like this?”

  “Most of them, milady. The King’s consort wanted everyone to feel welcome when they visited,” the ogress replied.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve been so distracted by the room I forgot to ask, what’s your name?”

  “Larga, milady,” she said, her eyes plastered to the ground.