Recipe for Disaster

by Theda Vallee

  Walking over to her, I held out my hand. “I’m Etta. It’s nice to meet you, Larga.”

  “Thank you, Etta” Larga said, meeting my smile with a brilliant one of her own. “Shall I run you a bath?”

  “I can figure it out. Just point the way.”

  She led me to a door tucked away in the corner. I nodded and strode over, pulling the door open. Stepping into the bathroom, I was sure I’d never want to go home.

  The tub, which wasn’t really a proper word for it, was big enough to fit at least six people. Like in the main room, there was a window that looked out onto the garden, but the surrounding vegetation was dense, so that no one could peek in on you. The faucet was high on the wall to allow the water to cascade into the tub like a waterfall. This place was basically a spa resort. Maybe coming here to fulfill my end of the bargain wouldn’t be so bad.

  As much as I wanted to soak in the tub, I was in a time crunch. I opted for a quick shower instead, which wasn’t disappointing. There were five shower heads. One in each corner and a large square one in the middle that mimicked rain. There was even a stone bench that made shaving a breeze.

  The smell of food hit me the second I stepped out of the shower. My stomach flopped in anticipation, as drool pooled in my mouth. It smelled like fried chicken. Forcing myself to attend to my hair first, I slathered on a cream that smelled like honeysuckle. The label said, “For Beauteous Curls.” I hadn’t seen any fae with curly hair. Every one of them had thick sheets of bone-straight hair. I wasn’t sure what they knew about taming curls, but I guess we’d see.

  A row of robes hung by the door. I grabbed one, sliding it on with a sigh. It was the softest thing I’d ever put against my skin. The Shadowlands was quickly becoming my number one travel destination.

  Opening the door, I stepped back into the room, ready to devour whatever Larga had brought me to eat. “Larga, I want to kiss you, it smells so good in here.”

  “Well, mama, you come on over and plant a big one right here,” Mothership said, waving a chicken leg in the air. Maxine sat at the small table with him, grinning at me through a mouthful of food.

  To say I cracked was an understatement. I sunk to the ground, blubbering like a giant baby. There hadn’t been time to process everything that had happened over the last few days. I’d been shoving my emotions down, pushing forward because I didn’t have any other choice, but seeing the queens brought it all to a head. They were here. We’d gotten them out alive. I cried in relief because we’d pulled it off. I cried for the ten queens that we hadn’t been able to save. I cried because of the fucked-up situation I was in with Luc and all the fears I had about betraying the Osservatori. I was so damn tired, and there was still so much to do.

  “Milady, please don’t cry. What can we do to help you?” Larga asked, hovering over me.

  Mother knelt down beside me and rubbed my back. “She’ll be fine. Poor girl has a lot going on. It’s okay, mama, let it all out. Shh, baby. It’s okay. You did good. You did real good, honey.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m crying. I think I’m just hungry.”

  “Come on, sit with me, and get some food. We don’t want you withering away to size zero on us,” Maxine said, patting the seat next to him. He grabbed a plate, loading it with chicken, okra, and mashed potatoes.

  I let Mother help me to my feet and sat down, grabbing Maxine’s hand. “How is it? Is everything okay here? You’d tell me if it wasn’t okay?”

  “It’s wonderful. Don’t worry about us. The Prince is treating us very well. We have a whole wing to ourselves with a dining hall, library, and anything we could need. The rooms are swank. Not as swank as yours, but better than the Hilton, girl,” Maxine gushed. “I was a little worried the Unseelie would give us the stank eye since some of us are Seelie, but they’ve been nothing but welcoming.”

  I took a bite of chicken, groaning as the flavors hit my mouth. “This is so good. I don’t think I’ve ever tasted chicken this wonderful. I’m so glad everything is good for you here.”

  Maxine touched my hand, his face turning somber. “We’ll never be able to thank you for what you’ve done for us. Going against the Osservatori, putting your life in danger, and owing a favor to the Unseelie Prince for us. All of it. You barely knew us, and yet, you did it without asking for anything in return. I don’t know how to repay you, but we will be there anytime you need us.”

  I nodded, concentrating on my chicken, so I wouldn’t start crying again. What the queens didn’t know was that I’d been a coward most of my life. Every time things were even a little hard, I hid away. For the first time I’d walked into the fire instead of running away. I owed them, not the other way around.

  “You don’t have to repay me. Just keep taking care of the people no one else will. That’s what matters. We have to take care of each other.”

  “Amen, baby girl. Ain’t that about the truth?” Mother said, raising his hands in the air like he was at Sunday sermon. “What did you give the Prince, anyway, if I may be so bold?”

  I put my chicken leg down, wiping my mouth before answering. “He didn’t say it was a secret. I’m supposed to be his date for his sister’s wedding. Which is a suspiciously small ask compared to what I got in the trade.”

  “I don’t feel sorry for you anymore. Here I thought you had to give up three years of your life in servitude or something. You get to dance around on that delicious man’s arm for a week? Bitch, I’ll trade you,” Maxine said with a devious wink.

  “He’s handsome, but a little odd, don’t you think?”

  Maxine shook his head, cocking his eyebrow in surprise. “Does it matter? Supposedly, that boy is a pussy assassin. If I thought I could turn his head, I’d be all over him.”

  I hated to sound stupid, but I had to know. “What’s a pussy assassin?”

  “Bitch he gets up in there, and murders that pussy. I heard after one night with him you’re ruined for life and can’t walk straight for a week. No man will ever be able to give it you as good,” Maxine said fanning himself.

  “Ms. Maxine, please!” Larga said as she passed through the room with an armful of clothing.

  “Sorry, honey, I didn’t know you were still here. Don’t tell the Prince what I said.”

  “Are those my clothes? Where are you taking them?” I asked, catching a hint of a blue sequin as she shifted on her feet.

  Larga blushed a deep shade of eggplant. Her head hung down as she mumbled out her reply. “I was told to burn them.”

  Kaz had been serious. Those were my clothes, and he had no right to burn them. “I’ll take them home and wash them. You can tell the Prince to speak to me if he has an issue with it.” Larga set the bundle down and skittered out the door like a terrified mouse. “See? He’s weird. Who orders someone’s clothing to be burned? It doesn’t matter. I have a boyfriend. I’m not sure I’d want my pussy murdered, anyway. I have enough trouble walking as it is.”

  Mother snatched the last piece of chicken, pointing at me as he did. “We’ll talk about that boyfriend of yours another day. In the meantime, you need to hurry and eat. That handsome morsel of a prince will be here soon. We need to get you prettified.”

  Why did that sound ominous?

  Chapter Eighteen

  Drag makeup is nothing like regular makeup, or so I learned as the three queens bickered over how to beat my face. I tried to persuade them to just let me throw on some lipstick and call it a day. The mask would cover most of my face, anyway. That wasn’t an option. According to Maxine, a queen always wears a full face of makeup, just in case.

  Gold eyeshadow shimmered along my eyelids, while well-placed highlighter gave my face a dewy glow. A soft, neutral pink enhanced the natural color of my lips, giving me a sexy pout. They’d pinned my hair back on the sides but left the rest to cascade down my back. I was looking damn good.

  The icing on the cake was the dress Kaz had sent over for me to wear. I’d never dreamed of wearing something so beautiful. T
he top of the dress was a sleeveless bodice crusted in emerald, silver, and gold beads. The tailors had fashioned the beadwork to look like leaves hanging on a vine. The beads continued down the top, cascading into the champagne tulle of the skirt like creeping vines. The bottom was full and flared out, which made me want to twirl. I’d been nervous about the silver threads that crisscrossed in the back of the dress. It was sexy, but not bra-friendly. Maxine fixed it with a boob-lift spell. It would keep the girls pert and perky for up to eight hours. Nerina needed to learn how to cast this spell. It was life changing.

  The queens went back to their wing of the castle once I was safely swathed in the dress, leaving me to pace nervously while I waited for Kaz. My mask sat on the bed, ready to be put on at the last minute. It was gold and encrusted with jewels across the forehead. On either side of the face, two horns curved upward. When I donned the mask, I looked like an enchanting creature that could rip out a man’s heart with my bare hands. I liked it.

  A soft knock on the door made me jump. My anxiety meter had shot into overdrive as I waited for Kaz. I was about to infiltrate a hate rally on the arm of the Unseelie Prince. If anyone recognized me or both of us, the Osservatori would probably wipe me off the face of the planet. I was right to worry, but I needed to temper it somehow. Nervous people made stupid mistakes.

  The knock came again, and I rushed to answer it. Pulling the door open, I lost my train of thought. From the moment I met Kaz, I’d thought he was handsome, but in a tuxedo, he was the stuff of wet dreams. The suit was perfectly tailored, highlighting his sculpted body. It clung to him in all the right ways. His wavy black hair was brushed back off his face, allowing me to drink in every perfect angle of his face.

  “May I come in?”

  “Oh, yeah. It’s your house. You look nice. Handsome even.”

  “Thank you,” he said, smiling a little wider. “I have an impeccable tailor. I’m glad to see the dress fits. I gave the dressmaker your measurements this morning. She had to work faster than usual, but it suits you.”

  I smoothed the material down, preening a little. “How did she make this in one day? I’ve never worn anything this lovely. Thank you. I’d love to meet your dressmaker when I come back.”

  I moved out of the way to let him pass through. Before he made it halfway in, he stopped and whirled around on me abruptly. “I’m sorry. I did that wrong. What I should have said is, you look enchanting. In that dress, you surpass even the most renowned beauties.”

  I stood there like a deer in the headlights, not sure what to say. I’d never been able to take a compliment well. My usual response was to awkwardly shrug it off.

  “I’m sorry, was that extra?” he asked as his cheeks flushed pink.

  The blush was my undoing. He was putting himself out there, and all I could do stare at him while gaping like a goldfish. “No. It was perfect. Thank you.”

  “Good. So, I’ve one more item for you to don this evening,” he said, holding out a thin silver chain with an enormous square-cut emerald dangling from the end.

  I touched the emerald, gently turning it for a better look. None of my jewelry cost over twenty bucks. Even my wedding ring had been cubic zirconia. The emerald glinted in the light, as if it was calling to me. “This looks expensive. I’m not sure if I should wear something that could feed a third world country for a year,”

  “This wouldn’t feed an entire country. A small hamlet perhaps, but you need to wear it. It’s critical to our success tonight.”

  He motioned for me to turn around. Once my back was to him, he settled the emerald around my neck, the massive stone nestling at the base of my throat. I felt the warmth of his body as his hands fumbled with the clasp. Standing this close to him, I could make out the scent that was unique to him. It was the same sweet, intoxicating zing that hit your nose before a summer rain rolled in. I had the urge to lean back and press my body against him. What the hell was my problem? My sex drive had come out of hibernation this year and wasn’t satisfied with the dick we had at home. I swear if you give your vagina an inch that bitch tries to take a mile.

  “Look in the mirror,” he said with a wink.

  Walking over to the mirror, I stopped dead in my tracks, marveling at the sight. Delicate golden wings fluttered on my back. I turned around to see the straps on the gown had been perfectly placed to allow my fake wings to fit.

  “They’ll move however you direct them too. You just have to think the command words. Fold will fold them down flat against your back. Flap will make them move. You can even think left or right and move them separately. Try it,” he said, grinning with delight.

  I watched the wings as I thought the word, flap. My wings moved up and down slowly. “These are incredible. I didn’t even think about needing wings. What about you?”

  “I’m wearing a suit. No one will expect to see mine. Are we ready?”

  “Where’s your mask?”

  He held his finger up, letting me know it would be a second. With a soft pop, a snow-white wolf’s head appeared in his hand. “Do you get it?”

  “It’s a wolf. Am I missing something?”

  “No. It’s a fox. I’m a fox in the henhouse,” he said chuckling at his own joke.

  “Aren’t foxes red?”

  “It’s a snow fox.”

  “Okay, it’s a snow fox then.”

  “Well, now you’ve ruined it,” he said, frowning down at the mask.

  “I’m sure other people will get it. I’m zoologically challenged.”

  He held out his arm, shaking his head at my attempt to placate him. “It’s all right, my hellcat, you’re the only person who doesn’t kowtow to me. I kind of like it, even when it stings the ego a bit. Come on, off to the gala we go.”

  I took his arm, smiling up at the strange man who was disarmingly handsome and helping me. Trust was hard to give in this new world, but I wanted to trust him. If he were fucking me over, I’d melt him like a candle in August. Stella fluttered against my ribs, wholeheartedly agreeing.

  The gala was happening at a mansion in the middle of nowhere. A limo had been waiting for us when we warped back to Palermo Bay. For the last hour, we’d been sitting in the back sipping champagne and chatting amicably. It was actually nice. Kaz was relaxed and witty, helping to calm my nerves.

  There were so many things to worry about tonight. What if someone wanted to see my face? Kaz assured me it was a masquerade because they needed to protect their identities. Not everyone wanted to openly admit they hated humans. It directly violated the treaties that all supernaturals had to live by. That didn’t make me feel any better. If they’d wanted to preserve their anonymity, they could’ve just donated online. Instead, they were holding an ostentatious event. Like most creatures, they craved the company of like-minded people. They wanted to gather in a room and bask in their hate as a group. Which to me, meant they didn’t care if someone figured out who they were.

  As the limo turned onto an unlit road, I could feel the tires crunching on gravel instead of the smooth asphalt. “Are we almost there?”

  “Just up the road. Are you ready?”

  I gulped down the rest of my champagne and handed the glass to Kaz. “Now, I am.”

  I was lying, but he didn’t need to know that. Peering out the privacy window, I craned my neck to get a look at the mansion as we approached. At the end of the drive sat a grandiose Tudor, the kind rich people loved to recreate. I didn’t understand why everyone with money seemed enamored with old crap. I’d lived with old things all my life. It was overrated.

  The limo pulled in behind several other cars waiting their turn in a receiving line. As we crept up to the spot where we would exit, my nerves jangled like a church bell. Kaz’s hand enveloped mine, squeezing gently. “I promise nothing will happen to you. If things go sideways, I will get us out of there. Don’t forget, you’re not defenseless. You’re a hellcat with powerful magic. If they knew you walked among them, they’d be terrified.”

  “You t
hink I can handle myself?” I asked with a nervous laugh. “Let’s hope we don’t have to find out.”

  The car stopped in front of the mansion. None of the windows were lit, the only light came from candles lining the stairs up to the estate. It felt more ominous than it probably was. The door opened, and a gloved hand appeared. “Madam.”

  I took the attendant’s hand and let him help me step out of the car. Stepping forward a few paces, I waited for Kaz to circle around and offer me his arm. He’d done an excellent job of preparing me during our ride. We talked about a million things, and yet he’d peppered in the nuances of a fae gala, so it didn’t feel like I was cramming for a midterm. He was a surprisingly good teacher.

  When he made it to my side, I linked my arm through his, letting him lead me up the stairs. I used my free hand to hold up my dress as he’d instructed. I didn’t want to bring us both crashing to the ground by tripping on it. At the door, an enormous fae stood glowering at us. He looked like he was part rock troll. Typically, anyone deemed a half-breed would have been forced to leave Fairy, like Luc. Maybe they’d let this guy stick around just to work security.

  “Invite,” the man grunted at us. Kaz reached into his suit jacket pulling out a filigreed metal plate the size of a business card.

  The guard took the card and passed it through a scanner. There was an audible ping before the guard nodded, handing it back to Kaz. Holding out a flat stone, he said, “Handprint.”

  Panic caused a bead of sweat to slide down my spine. I watched in terror as Kaz placed his hand on the stone without hesitation. A blue light flashed and then nothing. Whatever that meant, it seemed to satisfy the guard. He nodded and stepped aside, allowing us to pass.

  “That was the hardest part of our evening,” Kaz whispered in my ear as we followed the stream of people towards the sound of music.

  “You could have warned me.” I was about to elbow him in the ribs for good measure when we stepped into the ballroom. My feet faltered as I scanned the room. How the hell had I not realized what I was getting into? I’d imagined a small event with fifty fairies standing around grumbling about humans. I was so wrong.