For the love of god, no more letters, no more life-altering words on pieces of paper period!
I stared at her hard, willing for her to make the paper disappear and take this fucking day along with it. She didn’t flinch at my glare or become offended by it; instead, the woman shoved the paper in my face. Like mother like son!
“Take it.”
The fuck?!
As if she had power over me, I reached out and delicately grabbed the paper even though my mind was screaming at my hand to snatch the damn thing out of her precious hand.
Maybe it was because I loved and respected her. Or maybe it was because I really wanted to see what was on that piece of paper.
I turned the paper right side up to read my name neatly printed on the top. My age, weight, height, blood type and sex were on the top. Last period, unknown. Sexual partners, one. That simple fact made my insides tighten with just knowing who my first and my last would ever be. Previous pregnancies, none. There was the abbreviation for a hormone, HCG. Then in bold letters toward the bottom of the page, the words POSITIVE and PREGNANT.
Those words alone placed two huge hands around my neck and strangled me until I was gasping for air, breathless for Ocean.
I dropped the paper as if it had rabies, or worse, turning into Ocean and becoming frantic. His body and expression was absolutely still with a pained expression in his eyes as he watched me flip out. It was too late. I was already flying off the handle and I don’t think anyone could stop me!
I pushed against him as I felt the universe crashing down on me. I slapped, punched, kicked, and thrashed as best as I could but Ocean held me tighter. I shook my head rapidly from side to side, making myself dizzy and on the verge of passing out, or vomiting, possibly both.
I ignored his pleas for me to stop. Pleas that begged me to stop and look at him. To stop and listen; to stop and talk. I kept fighting, thinking if I fought long enough instead of hard enough, I would wake up.
Maybe I slipped in the shower and I was in a coma dreaming this shit up. Maybe I was in hell, stuck in this nightmare because I tried to take my own life but the tears streaming down Ocean’s face were real. His heart hammering out of his chest, trying to reach out to my own and calm it was real. The situation I was in was more than real. It was life; it was my life.
My life with a man I would die for, but I couldn’t give him this. I couldn’t give him a child. I would be a terrible mother. I would end up like my own mother and this child would one day walk in on me cutting myself, or worse, find me the way I found my mother…alone and dying.
I was picked up and slammed onto the table, sitting up to face him. He pushed me down so my back was on the table as he forced himself between my legs while holding my arms above my head.
“Damn it Livie! STOP! You’re just going to hurt yourself. Just calm down! Baby stop!”
I looked up at my avenging angel and the fight left me in hushed whispers; one muscle and limb at a time. Only leaving the trace of aching muscles and a heaviness in my womb; which I was just informed was housing life.
It was safe keeping something that Ocean and I created. It was also something that Law would never have from the confession we heard today. When I thought about Dulce, I stopped all movements. I wasn’t this selfish, was I?
“Livie I swear if you don’t calm the fuck down, I’ll tell Aunt Layla to admit you until you get yourself together. Baby is it that bad? Is the idea of having a baby-my baby that horrible, you’d rather claw my eyes out?”
I closed my eyes to keep from crying. No more tears…no more. “Ocean I’m sorry, I don’t think—I can’t.”
He leaned back to look at my face, then to the way he was holding me down on the round table and he jumped off me like a cat jumping out of cold water. He started pacing the space in front of me.
I pushed him. I pushed too hard…too far. SHIT! “Ocean!”
He waved me off as his pace quickened as he made his way towards the door.
“NO!” I scrambled off the table, falling off the end and rolling onto my hands and knees.
I quickly crawled to the door, beating him to it. I stood up, bracing my hands out in front of me and pushing him back on his hard chest. He continued to push into me, trying to get to the door.
“OCEAN DON’T GIVE UP ON ME DAMN IT! YOU ARE STAYING!” The pressure against the palm of my hands stopped and he dropped down to his knees, hugging my body tight gripping my hips painfully tight.
He pressed his face into my belly and I breathed him in. My hands and fingers found their way through his sandy brown curls.
“Liv, is it really that bad?”
“Is what that bad?” My voice was a hoarse whisper from all the emotions tearing up my throat and at my heart.
“Is being with me-being mine that bad? Is being pregnant with our baby that bad? If it’s me, tell me to leave. I’ll go. I’ll leave you with Law; I know he’ll take care of you. Liv, I can go back to Virginia if it’s me that you can’t stand but I’m begging you, don’t take it out on this baby.” He kissed my stomach and I hated myself a million times over.
I wish I would have died that night rather than be the one to cause him this much pain; to make him think that it was him I was running from.
“Don’t take it out on him or her. Just love them; love them the way I need you to love me, Livie. The way I wish I had a mother to still love me. Don’t abandon our baby, please Livie. I’ll go, just tell me to.” He broke down into a violent cry that shook his entire body.
His hands were grasping onto my body as if he was slipping away from me, from us. I let my body fall down to the floor to join him; I would never let him drown alone.
Pushing my way onto his lap, I held him. I nestled my head into his neck and shoulder, breathing him in again. I took his free hand as his other hand was cradling my back for support instinctively and placed it over my stomach. I then placed my hand over his.
“Ocean, I’m not running from you. Please understand that before you…I never felt, never dreamed, and never allowed myself to love or even consider it. Before you, I was alone, alone in a darkness that claimed my flesh when I couldn’t hold my head above water any longer. I want to wake up next to you every morning Ocean, every goddamn morning. I want to go to sleep with you every night and every night, I want to feel you next to me with nothing in between us. I want to breathe your scent in that I love and I want to be the body that you worship before the sun rises before the next morning. You, me and this…” I said pressing his hand harder onto my stomach. "Is perfect, but I am running from something. I’m running from me and my mother. I don’t want to hurt this baby any more than I have. I don’t want it to find me dead one day with slit wrists, leaving it to wonder why I’ve left it alone in this world full of hate, lies, and destructive demons.”
Ocean’s head snapped up. His eyes were tormented, red, and swollen. “Then don’t be that mother baby. Be the mother that I know you can be; the mother that I know you are deep inside. You won’t take shit. You’ll love with all of you, the shattered pieces of you included. You’ll protect, fight, and you will not leave us behind. Just tell me that you want me here with you. Please Livie, tell me please.”
“I do Ocean.” I waved the promise ring on my finger in his face. “If you would have asked me to marry you the day you put this ring on my finger, the answer would have been and will be yes when you do ask me. Ocean, you are a greater man than you believe yourself to be. I love you. I love all of Ocean Grant Hawthorne. I crave the loving, innocent, brooding, possessive, sexy, rude, intelligent, jealous, tormented, uplifting, and PER-FECT Ocean. I’m sorry for making you feel otherwise. I want you and I want this. I’m going to need your help. I’m going to need you to keep my feet planted on the ground and my head above water.”
“Anything you want from me you already have baby. I’ll keep you grounded and above water now and forever baby.” Ocean grabbed the back of my neck and brought my lips to his for what I thought would
be a feverish and ravishing kiss.
He kissed me all right. He kissed me so sensually, slowly, and passionately that I crumbled like soggy cookie crumbs you leave in milk for too long, in his arms. I straddled him to get the full effect of the power he had over my body and soul. He was perfect. His kiss was perfect. It was all that Ocean was to me; perfection in an absolute imperfect way. It was passionate, intense, careful, and extremely calculated.
I pulled away from him to see the smile in his eyes. “Ocean?”
“Yes baby.”
“Can you take me to Taco Bell? I want a cantina steak bowl with a crunchy cheese-gordita. Oh…and the apple empanada they have. I’m so hungry, I’m about to start chewing off my arm. I mean, now that I know why I could eat a deli out of business I might as well accept it, right?”
The laugh that poured out of the man that held my soul captive for all eternity was like listening to the most beautiful Christmas carol ever sung in the history of humanity by a choir of heavenly angels. Yes. It was that serious. “Anything you want baby, it’s yours. Can we come back though? I want Aunt Layla to tell us how far along you are.”
Wow, if I didn't know any better…I'd say Ocean already knew I was pregnant.
I took in the pride in his eyes. “Of course. After you stop by the Hess gas station and pick up my Twizzlers and chocolate covered raisins.” Again, his choir of joyful laughter from his mouth consumed me.
As we got up, I stopped him by placing my hands on his chest. “We have to make sure Law and Dulce are okay, Ocean. I can’t leave without seeing them through this.”
“I know baby, let’s go. This family stays together.” He kissed me once more, taking my breath away before we headed down the hall way arm in arm in search for our missing family members.
Chapter Eight
Lawrence
Taking my first step out of the room and into the hallway, I swayed on my feet. Bracing my hand on the wall, I walked down the extremely long and all too fucking bright hallway.
I felt like my manhood, heart, and soul were being ripped out of my balls. No lube, no anesthesia, just pure pain shooting throughout my body. I dragged in a breath trying to feed my oxygen-starved body, but not even the air surrounding me wanted to enter my lungs. I was fighting to keep myself from passing out from the pain I was feeling.
How could someone do that to Blue…MY BLUE? She was sweet, caring, funny as fuck, and beautiful. Inside and out, she was so damn beautiful. The way she cared for Sunshine and protected her before even knowing her just showed what an amazing woman she is. You don’t treat a goddess that way. YOU JUST DON’T!
Sliding along the wall fighting with my vision to sharpen out, I turned the corner and standing in front of the NICU window where my own mother once gave me a pretty scary reality check, stood my Blue.
She had a hand pressed on the glass window panel with her forehead pressed against it as her other hand clutched the fabric of her dress over her stomach. Watching her did something to my heart and soul the instant my eyes found her. The simple sight of her was healing me from the inside out. She was giving me back everything she took from me when she pushed me away.
I took in the way her mocha colored skin glowed under the bright fluorescent lights. The way that perfectly tight ass stood under her white sun flowered knee length sundress. She was bouncing her right foot on the ball of her foot, in those cute gladiator sandals, nervously.
Her hair was down just the way I loved it. I loved how the waves fell weightlessly around her shoulders resting on her back. The long soft dirty blond waves with natural highlights were beautiful on her…Dulce was beautiful. She truly was a rare gift and she was mine.
Within seconds, my body was pressing against hers and pulling her back into my chest. When she tried to pull away, I grabbed her hard, wrapping my arm under her breasts and holding her still. She was so small in my arms. I felt like I was going to break her. “You hurt me Blue.”
“No.” Her voice whispered into the window.
Her speedy breathing was fogging up the glass and I wanted to draw a heart with our initials inside of it like a little boy, but stopped myself.
“Yeah. Blue, you did. You pushed me away. Don’t ever do that. EVER. I fucking love you and right now, there is nothing that you can say to me that will make me feel otherwise. Or that will make me love or want you any less. Unless if you were born a man…then we’d need to have a long ass conversation. And that baby, I am by no means, prepared to have. Ever. ”
At that stupid and inappropriate joke, she melted into my body as I was hoping she would. Only she could appreciate my scatterbrain thoughts and off-the-wall-shit that flew out of my mouth in awkward times.
“Baby I’m so sorry for what you went through, I am. I wish I would have known you then because I would have listened to you, I would have helped you, and I would have fought for you so you wouldn’t have had to. I would be in jail for life for killing em, but I would have saved you from that. You’re not broken and you’re not damaged. You are perfect.”
That last line must have struck a nerve because she elbowed the hell out of my ribs, head butting me on the chin with the back of her head. I stepped back, letting her go. When she spun around, she grabbed the front of my shirt and bunching up the light material in her hands.
“Don’t lie to me!” She stared me down with accusing eyes, but I saw right through her honey colored eyes.
“FINE! I’ll tell you the truth. I love you. I want you with me now and every day after and you’re not going to push me away ever again Dulce. If you want me the way I want you then say yes.” I ripped her hands free from my shirt and kneeled before her. On one knee, I took both of her hands in mine. “Marry me Dulce. If we can’t get pregnant, fine; we’ll adopt all the orphans of China if you want. We can put Brad and Angelina to shame. I’d do that for you. I would do anything for you because I only need you to be happy. Marry me.”
Her face lit up as she stared down into my eyes. She ripped her hands free, tugged me up forcefully by the ears; which made my dick jerk in my jeans and kissed the hell out of me.
In between her sucks, bites, and licks she repeated ‘yes’. I died, went to heaven, thanked baby Jesus along with his wise old man and plummeted back to earth each time.
Several throats cleared around us, but I ignored them because I had my Blue and she was going to fucking marry me! I swear with the fuck I wanted to give her right now, she’d be pregnant in no time.
“Come on man, those poor babies are trying to recover. Get away from the window.” Laughs and awe’s followed Ocean’s comment, but I ignored them.
When I finally pulled away from her smiling face I pulled her close, holding her tight. Whispering in her ear I said, “Blue when I’m done with you, the only thing you’ll ever remember entering and ruining you is Lawrence fucking Hawthorne.”
She held my face in her hands. “Make it happen, papi, I’m ready.”
FUCK YEAH!
“Okay. I can’t take this any longer!” Sunshine bombarded us wedging herself in between us, hugging us both.
Ocean pulled me off the girls who were jumping up and down like kindergartners on Valentine’s Day after receiving their first Be Mine heart from the cutest boy in class.
“Congratulations bro, seems like you finally beat me to something for once in your life.” I took a jab at him, but he ducked and bear hugged the bejezzus out of me.
“Come on, let’s go feed my pregnant wife to be before she drop-kicks us both after her excitement wears off.”
I walked out of the hospital holding onto my Blue while Ocean held onto his lifeline, our Sunshine. Damn, if we really weren’t the two most blessed white screwed up boys on this fucking earth. Eminem himself couldn’t hold a candle to our drama and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
҉҉҉҉
As the girls ate, Ocean and I talked in nearly audible whispers, on purpose. They glared daggers at us, but too flippin’ bad. They already said yes…wel
l Blue did officially, so now we had to get them both to say yes together.
Tomorrow during breakfast with the four of us, my mom, my uncle. That’s all we needed to make this official considering my uncle was a notary. No pesty guest list…oh shit! Santi, Trevor, and Joseph were going to be there, of course.
Ocean agreed to the set up before we hit the studio. We really had to hit the guys hard this weekend but for the rest of today, we were going to enjoy what God put onto our paths. I also had plans of demolishing that path as soon as we get home.
“Oh my god Beja. I can’t believe you’re thirteen weeks preggo, that’s crazy. Where are those twins hiding inside of you?” Blue was crazy excited.
She said she always wanted to be an aunt even though she didn’t have any siblings. The girl was as nuts as I was. One minute she was calling Sunshine her sister, then prima aka cousin, lord knows what other bonding title she’ll come up with next.
I looked at Sunshine as she laughed and talked to Blue and in that second, I thanked God for bringing her to my studio months ago. I couldn’t even imagine my life without Sunshine in it.
I glanced over at Ocean who was high as fuck. He was high off of the news that they were having freaking twins…TWINS! I hoped he was freaking out because he was happy and not because he was thinking about Stormie or his insane asylum mom.
It’s been about two weeks since we saw her last or she stalked us last… same difference. The last time, I thought Ocean was going to bust all her car windows when she showed up at the studio. She was begging him to meet his little sister, aka Stormie number two, the replacement as we called the poor baby.
I felt bad for that baby, she was fucking adorable and I wish she hadn’t been born into this crazy mess; but here she was. The poor baby was fatherless and motherless if you asked me. Sabrina was way past losing her marbles; she lost them three years ago when she had to bury her daughter.
“Hey man, you’re going to tip the table over with all that leg shaking. What you nervous about?” I leaned in to ask him so Sunshine wouldn’t think that something was wrong.
Hawthornes Calm Manuscript Page 7
