A Bluewater Bay Collection

by Witt, L. A.

Chapter 29

  Jesse

  We dozed for a little while. We were both emotionally exhausted and physically wrung out, so we gave in to fatigue.

  I woke to Garrett snuggling up against me again, and I smiled into the pillow. We’d probably drifted apart like we always did when we shared a bed, but he’d found his way back to me.

  Lacing my fingers through his, I murmured, “Feel better?”

  “Much.” He planted a kiss between my shoulder blades that sent a shiver straight through me. “Feel like moving?”

  “Depends on what kind of moving we’re talking about.”

  “Something that gets us to food.”

  “Mmm, I like that idea.” I started to roll over, so he loosened his embrace enough to let me. “Want to order out or something?”

  “Actually.” He swallowed. “I want to take you to dinner. Someplace nice.”

  I pushed myself up onto an elbow. “Really?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. It means a lot that you came all the way out here and went with me this morning. And . . .” He looked down, but I caught the blush on his cheeks as he added, “I want to anyway.”

  I smiled. “Okay. Where did you have in mind?”

  The grin spreading across his lips made my pulse surge, and he leaned in for a kiss as he whispered, “You’ll see.”

  An hour later, we were in the truck and wading through downtown Seattle traffic. We kept the conversation light, which was a relief. The heavy subjects had been necessary, but a break wasn’t unwelcome.

  The day had left my mind in a weird place. I’d meant it when I told Garrett I liked hearing about Sean, and it obviously did him a lot of good to talk about Sean. Still, going with my boyfriend to his late husband’s grave was a weirdly intense experience. Like . . . momentous. One of those things you only did with someone you were getting Serious™ with. And maybe that’s what we were doing. Maybe this was serious. Was it too much for him now? Was he ready? How the hell would I even ask him that?

  More than ever, I was keenly aware of the differences between Garrett and me. The age gap itself wasn’t a big deal, but the amount of living he’d done in his fifteen-year head start . . . that had been more noticeable today. This was a guy who’d been married. Who’d kept his vows all the way to the “until death” part. Garrett was grieving his husband, and I’d never even signed a lease with someone.

  Garrett put on his turn signal, and I shook myself out of my thoughts as he pulled into a parking lot by the Seattle Center. He found a spot, parked, and turned off the engine. “Ready?”

  “Ready for—” I looked outside, and realized we were near the base of the Space Needle. When I turned to him, he was grinning. “We’re . . . Are we eating up there?”

  “Yep.” He pocketed his keys and leaned across to kiss me. “Got a reservation at a window table and everything.”

  I couldn’t help laughing. “You really went all out, didn’t you?”

  “You better believe it.”

  We got out, and after I paid for the parking spot—I’d insisted—we walked to the base of the Space Needle. I’d never eaten up there before. I’d been up to the observation deck a couple of times—once as a kid and once with a boyfriend a year before I’d moved to Bluewater Bay—but the restaurant had always been too rich for my budget. I could afford it now, but Garrett had made it pretty clear dinner was on him tonight. Fine. Next time I’d take him someplace nice.

  On the way from the elevator to the restaurant, he rested his hand on the small of my back, and I had butterflies like I’d never experienced. It was hard to believe this was still the same day we’d visited Sean’s grave, and the fact that he could be this romantic and affectionate toward me even after this morning . . . Holy shit.

  Even as we sat down, I barely noticed the view outside the slowly revolving restaurant. I was distantly aware of Mount Rainier glowing in the rich pink light of the sun setting over Puget Sound. Of a lit-up ferry lazily cutting a path through the sparkling water on the way to Bremerton or Bainbridge Island. It was all there, and I could see it, but I was mostly aware of the atmosphere. Of the way the warm light played on Garrett’s features and in his dark eyes.

  There was a menu I needed to read, and there was a stunning view outside, but neither registered. All I could do was stare at him and try to make sense of all the twists and turns and washed-out bridges our roads had gone through to bring us here. The last several hours alone had been a hell of a ride. This morning, we’d stood beside Sean’s headstone. This afternoon, we’d had some of the most passionate, savage sex I’d ever experienced. Tonight, we were having a romantic dinner with a spectacular view. It didn’t make sense, and yet I couldn’t imagine being anywhere but here with him right now.

  I’d expected the visit to Sean’s grave to be difficult. Maybe even harrowing. Seeing that kind of pain on my boyfriend’s face? My heart ached just thinking about it.

  It had indeed been difficult, but I’d come away with feelings I hadn’t anticipated. There was a hollow spot I couldn’t explain.

  No. That wasn’t right. I could explain it. After visiting Sean’s grave, there was a sense of grief, despite the fact that I’d never met him. There was a sense of loss. An empty space he should’ve been occupying. Logically I knew that if he were still alive, I’d never have met Garrett, but that didn’t stop me from wishing I could have known him.

  Over the rim of my water glass, I watched Garrett as he gazed out at the city and the water below us. For the first time, I truly felt the weight of Sean’s death, and the travesty it was that he was no longer in Garrett’s life except as a memory. I hadn’t known Garrett before Sean, but I knew Garrett had to be a different man because of him. Everyone was shaped by their relationships. Even if I didn’t know how Sean had influenced him or who Garrett had been before his husband had come along, there was no doubt in my mind that the man sitting across from me, bathed in the light of the vanishing sun, wouldn’t exist if not for Sean.

  Somehow, I found enough brain cells to peruse the menu, and when the waiter came, I ordered. My mind hadn’t strayed far from its track, though. Once Garrett and I were alone again, I gazed at him and said, “Tell me something about Sean.”

  Garrett blinked. “Like what?”

  “Anything.”

  He studied me for a long moment like he wasn’t convinced I was serious. Then, swallowing hard, he gazed out at the city. “Well.” He took a deep breath. “He dragged me to the top of Mount Rainier once.”

  “Did he? How was that?”

  “Cold. Miserable. We sniped at each other until the air got thin enough that we couldn’t walk and talk.” Garrett laughed quietly. “Then we signed our names in the book at the top, and we laughed like idiots because . . .” His eyes lost focus, and after a moment, he shook his head. “I don’t know. We were probably a little delirious by that point from the lack of oxygen and from waking up at three in the damned morning. But it seemed funny in the moment. We’d grumbled at each other most of the way up the mountain, and once we were at the top, everything was fine.”

  “Was it worth the hike?”

  “Oh yeah. Definitely.” He smiled as he turned to me. “It’s one of those experiences that’s miserable at the time, but once it’s over, you’re glad you did it.”

  “What made him drag you up there?”

  “He’d always wanted to do it.” Garrett shrugged. “He was like that. Got his mind set on something, and he did it. Hell, I did more in the five years I was with him than I did in the ten before we met. For someone . . .” He paused, exhaling heavily. “For someone who didn’t get a lot of years, he checked off quite a few things on his bucket list.”

  I smiled. “Good for him.”

  “Yeah.” He nodded. Then he took a breath as he thumbed the condensation on his water glass. “He was an interesting person, that’s for sure. Loved musical theater, but lived and breathed for football. Couldn’t walk past a bookstore. He was horribly allergic to cats, but always insi
sted on cuddling his mom’s cats anyway.” Garrett laughed softly, chin quivering a little.

  I reached for his hand and squeezed it, and he squeezed back.

  When he met my gaze, there were tears his eyes, but he was smiling. “I think you and he would’ve really liked each other.”

  A lump suddenly materialized in my throat. “Really?”

  “Yeah.” He sniffed, watching his fingers sliding back and forth on my hand. “If I ever turned the two of you loose in a store with smart-ass T-shirts or mugs, we’d have had to send in search and rescue to get you back out.”

  I laughed, and holy shit, I really was getting choked up. “What was his favorite one?”

  Garrett’s lips quirked and his eyes lost focus. Then he laughed again, the sound still sad but genuine at the same time. “It was a camouflage T-shirt that said Ha! Now you can’t see me!”

  “Oh, I love that one!”

  “I’m so not surprised.” He patted my hand and shifted his gaze out the window at whatever part of Seattle we were facing now. “And our boss was always getting on his case about his coffee cups being ‘appropriate’ for work.” He rolled his eyes. “Took her way too long to figure out that the more shit she gave him, the worse the next cup would be.”

  I snorted. “Oh God . . .”

  “Yeah. She finally gave up when he brought in a bedazzled chalice that said ‘Queen Bitch’ in bright-red sequins. I heard her tell someone she didn’t even want to know how he’d top that one.”

  “Never a dull moment with him, from the sound of it.”

  “No. Never.” He shook his head, still smiling. “Definitely not a dull moment.” He paused, then looked in my eyes. “You really don’t mind talking about him?”

  “Not at all.”

  Garrett put a hand on mine. “I brought you here for a romantic dinner. We don’t have to spend it talking about my past.”

  “But I want to talk about you. That means talking about him.”

  His eyebrows jumped, but then he smiled again, his expression so sweet I wanted to swoon. Running his thumb alongside my hand, he said, “I don’t know what I did to get so lucky, but I’m sure glad I did it.”

  “You happened to be tending bar the night some asshole stood me up.” I turned my hand over under his and gently clasped my fingers around his wrist. “And I’ve never been so happy to be stood up.”

  He chuckled. “I don’t know if I want to kick that asshole’s teeth in or send him a thank-you card.”

  “Either or.” I shrugged, grinning playfully. “No skin off my nose either way.”

  He laughed, and . . . yeah. I would never stop loving the way he laughed. I loved the sparkle in his eyes and the way some of the lines in his face deepened.

  I ran my thumb alongside his hand.

  You’re so fucking beautiful, and somehow, you’re mine.

  * * *

  After dinner, we went out to the observation deck. Though it was practically summer, the night was crisp, a sharp wind blowing in off Puget Sound and keeping the air cool and comfortable.

  The sun was completely gone now. Mount Rainier was invisible, and Puget Sound would’ve been too if not for the skyline reflecting off its mostly calm surface. Beneath us, the roads were colorful with amber streetlights, pale headlights, and glowing signs and displays from stores and businesses.

  “I’ve always loved the view from up here,” Garrett said after a while.

  I turned to him, fully intending to agree, but froze. My breath stuck in my throat, and I just stared at him.

  Like the lights in the Alehouse, the dimness out here smoothed over the lines in his face, but it also softened the white in his hair. He looked younger. No . . . less stressed. Like someone who hadn’t been through hell and back.

  My heart skipped.

  It was almost like getting a glimpse of his face back before his world had come apart.

  Garrett cocked his head. “Something wrong?”

  Just the fact that the universe has been so, so unfair to you.

  “No.” I stepped closer and wrapped my arm around him. “I just like how that light looks on you.”

  He laughed softly, probably blushing. He pulled me close and kissed me, and then we gazed out at the city for a little while, letting the wind ruffle our hair as the quiet night settled around us.

  When he turned back to me, there were tears in his eyes again, but more than that, some deeply intense expression that caught me off guard. Something sincere and vulnerable, genuine and raw, that the low light didn’t begin to temper.

  Swallowing hard, he freed himself from our embrace, and he pressed his hip against the railing as he faced me. Then he brought my hand up to his lips and kissed it. “I don’t know how I would have coped today without you.”

  The words startled me as much as the expression. I mentally flailed, trying to find something to say, but nothing I came up with seemed right.

  He rested our joined hands on the railing. “You’ve been a hell of a lot stronger than I’ve had any right to ask you to be, but don’t think it’s gone unnoticed. Being with someone like me, who’s been through what I have . . .” He exhaled, shaking his head. “Just . . . thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” It sounded so stupid and bland. Jesus. “You’re worth it.” It still sounded stupid, but the way his breath hitched said maybe he understood what I was struggling to say.

  “Thank you,” he whispered again. After a moment of taut silence, he cleared his throat. He was holding my hand almost painfully tight now, and I wondered if he was trying to keep his own from shaking. “When I met you, I wasn’t even thinking about dating again. Hadn’t looked at an app or a website or anything. But then you came into the picture, and it made perfect sense for this to happen.”

  I shifted, suddenly nervous. Suddenly full of things I needed to say, but things that didn’t seem like they should be said right now.

  Garrett touched my face with his free hand. “What’s wrong?”

  “I . . .” No, this wasn’t the time. Burning thoughts or not, the man didn’t need to be hammered with—

  “Talk to me,” he whispered. “Whatever it is.”

  I hesitated, staring out at the dark place where Mount Rainier would be when the sun rose. My heart was going crazy now, and I didn’t want to ruin this intimate moment, but I wasn’t going to relax until the words came out.

  Finally I turned my hand over under his to clasp our fingers together. “I want to get this right, you know? What we’re doing? But I’m not sure I know how. Like . . .” Staring down at our hands, I struggled to pull my thoughts together. When I looked at him again, my voice shook. “I’ve been a boyfriend before, and I think I’m pretty good at being someone’s boyfriend. I’ve just never been a boyfriend to someone who’s grieving a husband.”

  Garrett flinched subtly, fingers twitching between mine.

  “I guess what I’m saying,” I went on, speaking slowly so I could pick each word carefully, “is that I don’t know how to be what you need, but I want to be.”

  His forehead creased, and his grasp tightened slightly as a smile began to form. “You. That’s all you need to be.” Caressing my cheek, he leaned in for a soft kiss before he said, “I’m really glad you came. And not just for the moral support. I . . . I like being with you, Jesse. All the time.”

  I covered his hand with mine, pressing his palm against my face. “Me too.”

  And wasn’t that the understatement of the night? The longer we stood here, the harder my heart pounded. The restaurant below us was standing still compared to how fast my head was spinning. No one had ever looked at me like he was looking at me now, and I’d sure as hell never looked at anyone this way either.

  In Portland, I’d had a feeling I was starting to fall for him. Now, it was a full-on free fall. Too fast and not fast enough. Weightless and heavy. Screaming toward the ground and rocketing skyward.

  I didn’t say anything, though. God knew if he was ready to hear it, an
d this was new territory for me anyway.

  But I was pretty sure this was what being in love felt like.

  * * *

  Earlier today, we’d all but thrown each other down on this bed.

  Tonight, we sank onto the guest room mattress, kissing lazily and running hands all over each other’s clothed bodies. I barely remembered the drive back to Fiona’s house. It had been a blur of stoplight glances and loaded grins and me silently praying for the late-night traffic to get the fuck out of the way.

  Now we were here, and it was perfect. Even though we were both rock-hard, I didn’t know if this would lead to sex—if we had anything left after today—but I didn’t mind if this was as far as we went. Every time he ran his fingers through my hair or teased my lips with the tip of his tongue, it was as erotic as feeling and watching my dick slide into him.

  For the longest time, we just lay there, Garrett half on top of me, clothes rumpled but still in place. I could get fucking drunk on the way this man kissed. He could be as aggressive and demanding as anyone, and I enjoyed that too, but right now he was sensual and soft. Like he’d never kissed me before and wanted to take his time tasting and exploring. Oh, he could have all the time in the world if he kept this up. I loved how his tongue could be so insistent without being invasive, sliding past mine and exploring without seeming like he wanted to lick my damn tonsils. And sometimes he’d go back to just his lips against mine, moving gently without any tongue at all, before he’d nudge my lips apart to taste my mouth again.

  After a long while, Garrett lifted himself off me and turned on his back, but he didn’t lie flat. Instead, he sat up against the headboard. Then he gave me a gentle tug, and I let him guide me onto his lap.

  Oh, now this was nice. I loved the way his hips felt between my thighs and how my chest was pressed against his and, dear God, the way his hands ran all over me. Up and down my back. Over my thighs. Cupping my ass.

  Then he slid a hand between us, and I gasped as he started undoing my pants. Yes. Fuck yes. I wanted his skin on mine, and my painfully hard erection was a damn good place to start.