Breaking to Breathe

by Lisa N. Paul

  “I didn’t call attention to your mood for you to bury it. I brought it up because it’s unlike you. I’ve been watching you sink for months now—hoping you’d ask for a life jacket and you haven’t.” The tears that pooled in Elliot’s stormy eyes ripped the breath from Cate’s lungs. “Dammit, Catey, you’d rather drown than ask for help. Even from me.” The silence was deafening as they stood facing each other. Even though Cate towered Elliot in height, in that moment, she felt small. She hated the frustration she saw clawing at her friend’s body. Tension twined up Elliot’s limbs and spread across her shoulders, a heavy vest with the weight of the world now resting on them, she was allowing Elliot to carry its burden alone. Shame shrunk Cate even smaller.

  After speaking her peace, Elliot closed her eyes and began the breathing techniques she and Cate had learned in their years of Zen training. Always impressed with the way her best friend took to the meditation, Cate found her calm just by watching Elliot focus. After a brief time, Elliot opened her eyes slowly, the heaviness of their conversation was gone from her shoulders and a small smile perched on her lips. While the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes, Cate could see it wasn’t too far off.

  “Catey, after our next appointment, we are leaving work and going home to change. If you think for one second I bought your bullshit act about working tonight, you’re nuttier than a fruitcake. We are going to Lyla’s for dinner, and we should probably pick up flowers or something on the way over.”

  Shaking her head, relief eased in Cate’s neck, because having someone who could see through her bullshit made life a whole lot easier. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Ells.” With her arms wrapped securely around her friend, Cate knew no truer statement had ever been made. “I’m not kidding. Someone up there was finally guarding over me when they moved your family in next door to mine.”

  Elliot smiled, the sparkle finally gleaming brightly in her kind, loving eyes.

  Just Kidding, Man…Kind Of

  “IT’S A PLEASURE to finally meet the girls who saved our boy.” Judging by his age, and the revere in those around him, the big guy doing the hugging had to be the infamous Danny Marcus.

  “Danny, you don’t just hug random women without introducing yourself first. My Lord, it just comes off creepy.” The strawberry blonde woman stretched up on her tip-toes and pecked his cheek before extending her hand to Cate and Elliot. “Hi, I’m Julie Marcus; the hugger is my husband, Danny.” Her smile was infectious, as was her musical laugh. No lingering glance or awkward stare hinted that the Marcus’ had any clue as to who Cate was.

  “We heard you two came into the bar on Thursday night. Usually, at least one—if not both of us—is out front hanging with the girls, but we had a big party going on in back as well as some office work that had to get done, and we were spread a little thin.”

  “Bullshit, you two were making out in your office. Don’t try to hide it,” Ashley snorted. “I’ve caught you red-handed a time or two.”

  “Oh really, you were lucky enough to see their hands?” Ryan chuckled loudly, “Christ, I’ve caught them, and it wasn’t their hands I saw.” He tossed out an exaggerated shiver earning laughs from everyone in return.

  Cate followed Ashley into the kitchen and proceeded to watch her prepare a concoction that looked almost too pretty to drink. She was in complete awe of how this group seemed to work and play together like a family. There was such ease and camaraderie. God, did these people ever argue about anything? The thought barely had time to marinate in her mind when the tiny hairs on the back of her neck started to tingle. She hadn’t heard the chime of a bell or a knock at the door, but somehow she knew Kyle had entered the house.

  She’d been fooling herself thinking he wasn’t going to show. After all, the rest of them had been there almost an hour. There was part of her, a part she tried hard to ignore, that cheered when she heard his deep voice apologize to the room at large for being late.

  Frustration rolled off Kyle in waves as he entered Lyla’s house—late again. Being carless was an incredible inconvenience. Yeah, well, that’s what happens when you rack up multiple DUI’s, moron. It’s called punishment. It also didn’t help that he was held prisoner outside the gym. Okay, not prisoner, but still.

  Strolling into the family room, he began the recitation of his latest debacle. “Fuck, the blonde bar bunny from Friday night will not give up.” He shook his head. “Crazy chick must have my gym schedule memorized, ‘cause she showed up both yesterday and today to ‘convince’ me to give her a chance. And by convince,” Kyle pushed up the sleeves of his Henley, revealing angry red welts marking the length of his arms. “I mean that fucking kitty has claws. The little nut job refused to let me leave the gym without giving me her phone number. I’m tellin’ you, these fucking girls are coo-coo for my cock.” Kyle chuckled at his own humor before calling out, “Ash, can you grab me a beer on your way in here?”

  The vibe in the family-room was strange, not to mention the glares Max and Danny threw him and the slicing motion Ryan made across his throat. What the fuck was wrong with those guys? Yes, they’d been frustrated with his over-indulgence of alcohol, their speculation of his drug use, and his overall douchey disposition, but they always laughed when it came to the stories of his hook-ups. So what was the deal tonight?

  “Here’s your beer, Stud.” The voice didn’t sound familiar, but when Kyle turned to face the female who belonged to that sassy cadence, it wasn’t she who caught his attention, but the woman who stood behind her. A knee to the balls from a car full of clowns would have been less awkward than the look he was receiving from the whisky-eyed angel. “I’m a bit confused by his story,” the tiny blonde said with a smile. She moved to address the tall red-head from Thursday night. “Does he like felines or not? What do you think, Catey Cat?” The smirk on the red-head’s face absolutely told a story. Problem was Kyle didn’t read chick. He never had to before. The room broke out into fits of laughter, as if everyone was in on the joke, everyone but him.

  Danny’s large hand and gritty voice were the preservers used to rescue Kyle from dropping right off the waterfall’s edge. “Son, you remember Cate and Elliot, right?” Relief pulsed through him, as he was finally able to put a name with the beautiful face that healed and haunted him for months. On the heels of that relief came the memories. First, those of Cate’s silky skin pressed against his as he kissed, touched, and fucked her just days before. Images of her silhouette as she straddled him, taking his length into her warm depths, seared his mind, and then the last words he’d spewed as he walked into Lyla’s house doused him like cold water. Fuck.

  To make matters worse, his friends—and at the moment, he was using the term loosely—all abandoned him and headed into the kitchen. Kyle dipped his fingertips into the neck of his shirt, pulling the collar away from his throat. Lyla’s house felt unusually warm in that moment.

  The wheels turned in his head, searching frantically for ways to make his previous statements seem okay or, better yet, to make them go away completely, but he was blank. Nothing could right that wrong. He was gonna have to do what he did best, own his obnoxious behavior and move on. Or at least pretend to. Yep, thank God for the beer, it provided the perfect distraction. Taking a long gulp bought him only a second or two.

  “Cat got your tongue?” Cate asked playfully, a reminder of their night together.

  “Um, look about what I said…”

  Cate walked closer to him, her body so near he could feel the heat radiating from her skin and smell the sweet cinnamon he’d been thinking about since waking up alone on Friday morning. She leaned in, her lips practically touching his ear and each of her whispered words sending sparks down his spine to his quickly hardening cock. “Just know, I didn’t memorize your schedule, and I don’t intend to convince you of anything.” Cate nibbled the inside of her lip. Something flashed in her whiskey eyes, but before Kyle could identify what it was, she continued to speak. “We had our night. It was good, bu
t now it’s over. I was fine with it when I left you sleeping on Friday, and I’m fine with it now.” While the actual words felt like daggers, the delivery was a torture he’d beg for again and again.

  Fixated on her mouth, Kyle watched as Cate once again bit on her lip. Just then, it struck him that the sexy vixen with the confident speech wasn’t as unaffected as she’d like him to believe. If the slight tremble of her voice and fidget in her stance was any indicator, the woman wasn’t just nervous; she was turned on. It appeared the playing field was now level.

  Cate’s heart pounded in her chest. How she was still standing was a mystery to her. From the minute Kyle pranced into the house with his beautiful face and made-for-sex body, Cate’s brain short-circuited. However, listening to him describe the ridiculous story, and knowing full well that the woman from the gym probably did throw herself at his feet made Cate bubble with emotions, and lots of them, just too many to name, and none that she wanted to feel. That’s why she had no other choice but to set the record straight by explaining that there would never be a repeat of their night together. Right, no repeats, she thought to herself, her inner voice much less convinced than her outer one.

  “Good? That’s how you’re describing what went on between us Thursday night. Good?” The smirk on Kyle’s face told Cate exactly what he thought of her description. “That’s bullshit, Red.” The tables turned quickly, leaving Cate feeling unbalanced and breathless as Kyle pulled her closer and looped his hand around her wrist, rubbing his thumb in small circles against the inside of her sensitive skin. “I can’t explain why, but we exploded together.”

  The world around her ceased to exist and a small whimper left her throat as the tip of his tongue swiped the outer shell of her ear. “Yeah, that reaction of yours just screamed ‘good’,” he deadpanned. Kyle released her wrist and walked away, leaving her standing alone in the living room while he joined the rest of the group in the kitchen. Cate would have shouted out a clever retort had she been able to speak. Instead, she stood silently waiting for the lust and frustration to recede. Damn emotions.

  The evening went by rather fast, in Kyle’s opinion maybe a little too fast. He spent the night trying to gather as much information on the honorary members of the Danny’s crew. Even though this was his third time in Cate’s presence, it was the first he was sober. If he was being honest, other than the past couple of days, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been completely sober by choice. He’d been self-medicating for too long, and the only thing it netted him was headaches, arguments, and a near-death experience. It was time to try something different, and there was no denying the angel had something to do with his eagerness to change.

  “Ky, you want another bottle of water?” Lyla’s intuitive nature didn’t surprise him anymore. That connection is what made them such close friends.

  “Sure, thanks.”

  “Umm, why is everyone staring at Kyle like he has a third eye?” He liked Elliot; the woman had him in stitches the whole night. The fact that she was Cate’s best friend made him like her even more.

  “Ignore them, Elliot.” Kyle waved off the gawks and focused on the blonde. “They’re staring because they haven’t seen me drink water in…well, ever.”

  “People are made up of sixty percent water,” Max interjected. “We’ve all just assumed Kyle over there was sixty percent alcohol.” Wrapping his huge arms around Janie, Max placed a kiss on her head before finishing. “I’ve prayed every time the fucker’s gone out for a smoke that he didn’t blow himself up.”

  Kyle rolled his eyes while his friends laughed. He deserved the ribbing. He knew it, and after everything he’d put them through over the past year, he’d let them have at it.

  “Just kidding, man…kind of.” Max’s statement was light, but Kyle could see the affection on his friend’s face. It amazed him how at thirty-four years old, he craved acceptance and affection from his loved ones. But what amazed him more was how goddamn good it felt to have it.

  Frustration seeped from Kyle’s body along with the white puffs of air that formed with his every breath. The night was freezing, and the only thing he wanted more than to head back inside of Lyla’s warm house was to convince the stubborn woman to agree to give him just a few more hours.

  “I don’t understand, Red. I’m telling you I’d like to see you again.” Kyle couldn’t believe that statement was actually coming out of his mouth nor could he believe that Cate was rejecting him.

  “And you will,” she replied, non-committedly. He could tell she wasn’t feeling as nonchalant as her shrug tried to make him believe. “I’m working for your bar, Kyle. I’ll be seeing all of you at our meeting next week. We have a lot of work to do for the grand re-opening at the beginning of April.” She bit the inside of her lip and fidgeted with her hair as she continued to deny his request for her phone number.

  Kyle scrubbed his hands over his face. Didn’t she realize that he never asked girls for their phone numbers? Didn’t she know what a huge deal this was?

  “Yes, Kyle, I understand that you’re kind of a big deal.” Fuck, he hadn’t meant to say that out loud. “But I told you already, I don’t date, and before you say it…no, I don’t go back for seconds. I’m sorry.” She slid into the passenger side of the already running car and closed the door. She never looked back as he watched his angel slip away once again.

  “Are you sure that’s what will make you happy?” With her hands at ten and two on the steering wheel, Elliot’s question remained unanswered, hanging between them in the car for most of the ride home.

  In the past, Cate’s automatic response would have been to lie. She would have claimed that she only needed herself and work to be happy, but ever since meeting a certain tall, dark disaster, those lies no longer fell as fast or rang as true.

  Exhaling a long sigh, Cate finally peered over at her friend. “Ells, I have no idea what will make me happy. God, I don’t remember what happy feels like.”

  “Oh, honey.” Elliot took her right hand off the wheel, grabbed hold of Cate’s left hand, and squeezed.

  Absorbing her friend’s warmth and letting it flow through her body like nutrients feeding her soul, Cate closed her eyes and breathed. Elliot’s was the only love she’d been able to accept since she was eight. She had been returned bent and victimized. The physical and emotional abuse she’d suffered in the course of twenty-four hours paralyzed her for the rest of her life, creating barriers no one could get past. Her parents and twin hadn’t bothered to try, which lead to Cate’s inability to trust. Elliot, the stubborn and wonderful gift from above, managed to sneak her way in, but even she couldn’t break through the steel trapdoor that guarded Cate’s inner most fears.

  When Elliot slipped her hand from Cate’s and placed it back on the wheel, Cate’s lids lifted. She knew her friend was gearing up to say something, and a small voice inside told her it was time to start listening.

  “Catey, happiness doesn’t just happen to us, especially when we’ve been living without it for so long. Happiness is a choice we make every single day. We wake up and decide that no matter what happens we will find a way to obtain the very thing our heart needs to flourish.” Tears stung Cate’s eyes as her friend continued to speak. “Sometimes that just sucks, and we may cry or yell or wanna give up, but even in those moments, we need to search for happiness. Because, my sweet friend, it is always there, just waiting to be grabbed.”

  Cate nodded her head, not a commitment nor a dismissal but a confirmation that Elliot’s words had been received. A commitment to anything other than work wasn’t something Cate was willing to make just yet.

  And The Other Half?

  ANOTHER BOTTLE CRASHED to the floor, sending shards of glass flying and alcohol streaming down the wall and onto the tile. “Motherfucker. Who the hell put this shelf up? An eight year old? Goddamn thing isn’t level. Third fucking bottle so far this morning. Christ.” Kyle’s temper flared as he picked up broken glass and tossed it into the trash b
in.

  “I put that shelf up, you ass, and I also taped up the sign reading ‘Do Not Use’ because it wasn’t finished yet.” Ryan shoved the loose leaf paper at Kyle, “I had to run to the hardware store. An eight year old could have read that note, what’s your excuse?” Snickering, Ryan grabbed the wet-vac from the corner closet and extra bar towels to assist with the clean-up.

  Kyle’d been so distracted thinking about Cate that he hadn’t seen the sign written in black Sharpie on the shelf he was loading. “Dude, I’m sorry. I just… my mind isn’t here, that’s all.”

  “She’s pretty, Kyle. Not your usual type, but pretty.” Kyle wanted to punch the grin off Ryan’s face.

  “What the fuck did you mean by she isn’t my usual type? I’ve never seen a more beautiful woman in my life.”

  “Buddy, you need to calm your ass down. Have you ever actually paid attention to any of the girls you fuck? Kyle, they’re all fake and overdone. They use spatulas to apply their make-up and turpentine to remove it. They’re made of so much plastic they’d melt if they sat in the sun too long, and half of them are the most ungodly shade of orange due to the spray tan shit they use. They’re gross, but it’s what you choose.” It was hard not to chuckle at Ryan’s description of every chick Kyle’d been with for years, because he was not wrong. The thing was, he didn’t care about their superficial appearances. He’d just wanted to get laid.