Breaking to Breathe

by Lisa N. Paul

  “I’ve said it before, but clearly it needs repeating. You are our children. Each of you. When you hurt, we feel it. Come to us; that’s what we’re here for. You don’t need to battle your demons alone. Even if you have a life partner, it doesn’t mean you can’t use an older and, ahem, wiser opinion. Stop acting like children, and come to us sooner. Okay?”

  The group exchanged quick glances before turning back to Julie and answering in unison, “Okay, Mom.”

  “Looks like we have ourselves some bratty kids, Juls,” Danny chuckled as he hugged his wife tightly.

  “Here, Catey, drink this.” Elliot removed a Venti Starbucks coffee minus the paper sleeve from the carrier and put it in Cate’s waiting hands. “My God, is the heat even working in this place? You’re shaking like a leaf and your lips are turning blue.” The warm cup felt incredible on Cate’s freezing skin. The heat had been turned off during the slumlord’s visit three hours before. He claimed with the hole in the ceiling, there was no reason to be running the heat. Cate donned her coat and gloves and continued to move products from the front of the store to the back, without giving any thought to the temperature. It wasn’t until she stopped moving that she realized how cold she actually was.

  “I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this on your own all morning. You should have told me. You know I would’ve come back.” Elliot’s shoulders sagged with guilt as she stepped over the large chunks of wet plaster that had fallen from the ceiling during the past hour.

  When Cate learned that the meeting at Danny’s had been canceled, she and Elliot decided it would be best for Elliot to squeeze in a couple more clients before coming into the office, lessening their load for the rest of the week. Elliot had wanted to come back to help with the clean-up, but Cate downplayed the situation, hoping Elliot could tend to the other work without feeling bad.

  “Honestly, when we spoke earlier the ceiling was still… up there.” Cate pointed to the large hole above them. According to the landlord, the roofer should have been here two hours ago, but clearly he’s a no-show and now shit is beginning to get messy.” As if on cue, another small piece of plaster fell from above landing directly on Cate’s shoulder.

  Crossing her arms over her chest, Elliot stared at the ruined products and now dangerous environment. “When is our lease up on this place, again?”

  “Believe it or not, we are due to re-sign in April for the next three years.” Nostalgic, Cate remembered the day she and Elliot first signed the lease on the quaint little building, six years prior. They had finally saved enough money to afford to take their business out of Cate’s home. They celebrated with cheap wine in paper cups that night and toasted to hopes of success that they finally achieved after long hours and hard work.

  “I think it’s time to move.”

  Cate blinked, “What?”

  “I do. Look around, Catey. That slumlord hasn’t done shit to upkeep this property since we moved in. Every time things go wrong, we’re left to deal with it or wait until he gets around to it.” She lifted one of the waterlogged scrapbooks, and both women grimaced as splashes of water drained from the pages. “This is our baby, Cate. This is our blood, sweat, and tears. And it’s ruined. I’m not saying accidents can’t happen, and of course, we can replace what’s gone, but I think we should be in a place where the owner gives a damn whether or not his tenants are safe and relatively happy, no?”

  Cate took in the mess that was becoming worse as the day progressed. Her friend was not wrong. But before she had the chance to agree, another large chunk of ceiling came crashing down.

  “Shit,” they both yelled, escaping the debris by mere inches.

  “Cate? Elliot? You ladies in here?” The smooth voice was a balm to her frazzled nerves; she tried to respond, but her vocal cords felt paralyzed with fear. “Cate, Angel, I’m not fuckin’ around. Can you hear me?”

  “We’re in here,” Elliot responded, her hand gripped tightly to Cate’s.

  “Jesus, what the fuck, Kyle? I thought you said they had a little water damage?” While she still couldn’t see them behind the partial collapse, she knew the other voice to be Max’s.

  Shaking off the shell shock, Cate stood up, pulling Elliot with her. “You’re okay, right, Ells? We’re okay.” Her voice was a bit hoarse from shock, but nothing else was felt bruised or broken. She was strong, tough, and fierce until she saw the look in Kyle’s grassy green eyes. Then, just like the water that leaked through their ceiling, her strength trickled from her body. She walked into his open arms and let his strength recharge her own.

  His heart nearly stopped when he and Max finally got to Shout It Out and before they could make it inside, he heard the crash followed by screams.

  After the meeting at Danny’s, Kyle spent time with each of his friends. He offered apologies they said were unneeded and compensation they refused to accept. It seemed like another part of his life was clicking into place, just right. However, when Ashley told them that Cate was dealing with a water issue at her store, Kyle couldn’t scurry out of the bar fast enough. So when Max offered him not just a ride but a hand in helping out with whatever was needed, Kyle didn’t hesitate at all. The old friends used the thirty minute drive to reconnect. Kyle couldn’t help but feel the patch of warmth that had recently appeared begin to grow as Max expressed how concerned he’d been over the year and how happy he was that Kyle had finally chosen to leave the bottom floor. Max’s words.

  That warmth turned to ice the minute Cate’s shout hit his ears. On instinct, he moved to crash through the door, but it was Max who held him back. It was Max who poured logic into the situation by insisting that they wait to make sure the movement of the door didn’t cause more damage. The seconds felt like hours, and when they saw no other movement inside the store, he made his way in.

  When there was no response to his initial call-out, his gut churned at the possibilities of all that could be wrong, but when he finally heard Elliot’s calm voice, he somehow knew both women were fine. It wasn’t until he saw her face and her exotic whisky eyes that his gut tightened for all different reasons. There with her vulnerabilities barely hidden behind the loosely tied mask of fearlessness, Kyle realized he was in love. He was crazy, madly in love for the first time in his life, and that knowledge didn’t scare him at all. In fact, he felt stronger, sturdier, and calmer than ever before. He opened his heart and his arms, relieved when she occupied both. He lowered his lips, placing a chaste kiss on her head, breathing in the cinnamon scent. Heaven.

  Stay with me tonight. Kyle’s intimate request played over and over in Cate’s mind as they sat at his table, sharing Chinese take-out and beer.

  After the ceiling collapsed and she’d made a huge spectacle by clinging to Kyle like a tree monkey, she and Elliot quickly gathered their personal belongings, laptops, and paper files, and let Max and Kyle escort them safely out of the building. The guys then called the landlord and the police while Cate and Elliot went to the businesses on each side of Shout It Out to warn them of possible structural damages.

  Afterwards the four of them went to the diner on the corner to warm up and grab a quick bite to eat while Cate contacted their insurance company. Within thirty minutes, the small street block was filled with emergency vehicles, city officials, and an extremely cranky landlord. Cate and Elliot enjoyed watching the man’s day go from bad to worse when he was slapped with fines and accusations after he was left to deal with two, very angry, very large protective men.

  “He should’ve listened to us when we asked for things nicely,” Elliot clucked with satisfaction. It took a couple more hours to answer questions and fill out paperwork. By then, the sun was setting, and the temperatures were plummeting.

  We’re More Than Just Friends

  KYLE HADN’T LEFT her side since he’d arrived on the scene. Soft touches, encouraging words, hot glances all melted her from the inside out. Yet something had changed in him since they last saw each other. She saw it in his eyes, felt it in each car
ess. Fear stopped her from naming it, and panic stopped her from hearing it. She knew her feelings for Kyle were strong, more than she’d ever felt for a man before, but she wasn’t ready to label them yet and couldn’t bear to see the hurt she’d cause if his sentiments were not returned.

  That being said, when he gently ran the backs of his fingers along the curve of her jaw and requested she stay the night with him, she found no strength to deny him anything. With Elliot claiming to have a date and Max heading home to Janie, Kyle and Cate hurried back to her place to pack an overnight bag and make the drive down to Charistown.

  “Are you okay? You’ve been quiet since we got here.” There was no disguising the concern in Kyle’s voice.

  “I’m fine. This day was crazy…and kind of sad. Ells and I have been in that building for six years. I know it was a dump, but it was like home to me. We’d decided just before the roof completely fell in that we weren’t going to resign the lease, but it feels like such a loss.” Cate sighed, “It must sound silly to you.”

  Picking up the freshly open beers, Kyle moved from the kitchen to the sofa, gesturing for her to follow. “It doesn’t sound weird at all. Don’t forget, we lost Danny’s only a handful of months ago. It was like a punch in the gut.” He picked at the label on his beer bottle, effectively breaking eye contact. “Well, it was worse for the other guys. I was a fucking disaster at that point, dealing with my own shit. I had no idea what happened to the bar until I woke up from the accident.” Distress was plain to see when he finally lifted his gaze back to hers.

  “Kyle…”

  “The point is,” Kyle squeezed her hand, “I’ve finally woken up completely, and I see all I could have lost, and I’m happy as hell that I have the chance to make things right. I’ve spent a long time acting like a fucking douche. It’s done, Cate. All of it. Done.”

  “Kyle, I’ve told you about what happened to me when I was young, well, some of it any way. How can we be true friends if I don’t know what made you the man you are today? The man I met that night lying mangled in the car? Friends give and take, Ky. I gave; now it’s your turn.”

  Cate hoped she hadn’t crossed a line with her curiosity, but she’d let him into her life, into her head and having the balance of knowledge dipped in his favor made her uncomfortable. History taught her that when people knew too much about you, they used you. They bent you. They shaped you into exactly what they wanted you to be. If and when you tried to break free and find yourself, they threw you away. She needed to know that Kyle was as invested in her as she was becoming in him. While she had no idea what to label what it was they were doing, she knew by the way her heart raced every time they spoke, and each time he touched her, she knew it was time to turn off her brain and follow her heart.

  “Alright, Angel, I’ll tell you everything if…” That smirk of his could be registered as a lethal weapon. “If you admit we are more than just friends.”

  Her heart thundered in her chest. He obviously knew their relationship reached far beyond friendship, but if she wanted his trust, well, then she’d need to give a little more of her own. “Yes, Kyle, we’re more than just friends.”

  No Mercy Tonight

  SILENCE CLOAKED THE two of them as they sat facing each other on the leather couch. His beer bottle had long since been stripped of its label and was now being rolled between his hands. Discussing his past with his brother had been one thing. Nixon had lived each day under the same roof in the same fiery hell, but sharing his nightmares with the woman whom he also wanted to share his dreams, it felt like he was tainting them…her.

  “Kyle, if you don’t want to trust me with the things that have clearly brought you so much pain, I guess I’ll understand.” Cate sounded resigned, tired. She thought he’d made up his mind and closed the door between them.

  Placing the bottle down on the table, Kyle reached out, covering her hand with his own. He lifted his gaze from the floor and met hers, “That’s not it at all, Angel. I do trust you. I trust you with all of me. I’m just scared.” Cate cocked her head, questions clear on her beautiful face. “I’m scared that when I show you what’s inside, you’ll stop looking at me the way you do… Like I’m the only man that’s ever made your heart beat fast and your blood run hot. I’m scared that knowing me will make you run…”

  “Sweet Man, there’s nothing you can tell me that would make me leave you. Your past is just that, it’s your past. In just a few weeks, you’ve come to mean…” Kyle watched hopefully as Cate reached for words to complete her sentence, “a lot to me. I promise. Nothing you say tonight will change anything for us. Okay?” While it wasn’t the pronouncement he was hoping to hear, her promise did give him the strength to once again travel back into the darkness that was his life, but this time he went back with his hand in hers.

  Deciding the best way to explain his story was through words, and not just his own, Kyle stood up from the couch. “I’ll be right back.” He saw the questions flaring in her whisky eyes but moved to his bedroom before he could talk himself out of doing what he knew he needed to do. Reaching into his closet, he pulled out the battered envelope that he’d shoved in there when he first arrived back to his apartment after his extended stay with Nixon. He then walked back to the sofa where a worried Cate sat waiting for him.

  Kyle began describing his childhood—his parents, how his father was a big drinker but a lazy worker, not much for keeping a job. His mother came from money, had a trust fund, and a penchant for younger men. His mother’s infidelities had the kids at school teasing him mercilessly, saying they wanted to fuck his mother, too. The teasing went on for years, well after his mother had left them behind. He explained how his parents fought constantly over his mom’s affairs, his father accusing and his mother denying. On a normal day, his dad would drink and become belligerent, but on the days his parents fought, his father would become verbally abusive to not just his wife but to Kyle and Nixon as well. “They destroyed one another for fun and then ruined my brother and me for sport. It’s who they were, neither better than the other.”

  Swallowing hard, he explained what happened on the day his father came home and caught his mother in the act. With clutched fists, Kyle described how he listened helplessly to his mother being beaten, screaming for help, and begging for mercy. On that day, Kyle, a twelve year old boy, ran into the garage to stop his father and help his mother.

  The next morning as he nursed his swollen eye and bruised lip, all lessons dulled out by dear old dad as a reminder that women are never worth protecting, Kyle learned that his mom up and left in the middle of the night, clearing out the bank accounts and any remnants of her existence while Dad was at the bar and her children slept on. “She escaped hell, Cate, and left her sons to the devil.” Kyle barely recognized the sound of his own weak voice as he finished the contents of the warm beer.

  “I…I don’t even know what to say to you, Kyle.” Cate leaned forward. Her touch felt amazing, rubbing steady circles across his back.

  “There isn’t anything to say. From that point on, Dad taught us lessons with his fist, his belt, cigarettes, you name it.”

  “Those are the scars under the tattoos, right?”

  Kyle nodded. He knew she felt the raised tissue the times they were together. The first night, he remembered her gentle touch spending extra time on each of those places. The way her fingers and her lips worshiped them, like they were special in spite of the ink, not because of it. He may have been wasted, but he remembered those touches the most.

  He gauged her reactions as he told each part of the story, from how he was able to find food for himself when he gave his rations to his brother, to how he took care of little things like toiletries and over-the-counter medicines. “Look, I grew up having it beat into me that women were to be used, so when I needed something, that’s who I went to—women.” He felt his cheeks heat as his admission left his mouth. “Dad only fed one of us a day, so I would give my food to Nix and I’d figure out ways to get th
e chicks at school to buy me lunch or bring me toothpaste or pain relievers.” He shrugged bashfully. “They liked me. I flirted with them, and they did what I asked. It got Nixon and I through until our dad was finally gone.”

  “Wait, what happened to your dad?” Her brows were knitted together as she asked her question, clearly unnerved by what she heard but curious to hear the rest.

  All of the sadness and regret flushed from Kyle replaced instantly with hard, fierce anger. “The son-of-a-bitch bailed on Nix and me during my senior year in high school. He went out to a bar and never came back. Don’t misunderstand. There was no love lost. I was happy the motherfucker was gone, but I was only seventeen. Had someone found out that our dad left us, social services would have taken Nix away from me.” Kyle’s hands were balled back into fists, the muscle in his jaw clenched as the words came out slow and precise.

  Cate’s voice matched her light touch to his forearm. “So what did you do?”

  “We laid low. I got a job after school and on weekends to pay the rent and the bills, and we ate as little as possible. The girls who liked me watched my brother so I could work and not leave him alone, and when I graduated, I worked full time until he finished school three years later.”

  Even through his own rage, he could see Cate’s head swimming with questions, spinning with sadness, and blazing with anger on his behalf. There was none of the pity that he’d feared he would find just red hot anger. “How dare him! What kind of a human being does that?” Kyle couldn’t hold back the smile that fought to spread across his lips. After everything she went through in her own childhood, she was still angry for him. Another thing he loved about her.