Breaking to Breathe

by Lisa N. Paul

  “Kyle…did you ever see either of them again?”

  Numbness took root, wiping out all of the acrimony, heartache, and shame that slammed into him as he relived the first part of his life. The anesthetized feeling he’d been chasing for years with alcohol, sex, and drugs now coated him like fresh snow on the cold ground. How was he supposed to explain the next part of his story without sounding like a monster? How does one explain the relief he felt when his parents finally died?

  Kyle roughly scrubbed his hands over his face, buying himself mere seconds before he’d have to see the disappointment on this angel’s face. Could he lie? Sure, but he was done hiding behind the walls of fear. He was done bending to fit the mold that everyone wanted to squeeze him into. He needed to unload his burden, and if she walked away from him, then he would re-build from scratch.

  “Did I see them again? I guess that depends on your meaning, Angel.” Needing physical contact, he replaced his hand atop of hers, lacing their fingers, and lifted. Dropping two small kisses to her palm before resting their still joined hands back on his thigh; he sighed and explained in detail what went down between Nixon, his father, and his mother. Having Nixon’s half of the story to finally fill in the missing pieces alleviated some of the guilt that Kyle had carried since November.

  “After my father died, my mother kept pressing me to see her. I ignored her calls for months. One night when I was totally wasted, which if we’re being totally honest, was most nights, I finally picked up her call and explained in great detail exactly what I thought of her as a person and a mother. I also made it clear that the only time I would ever see her would be at her funeral and, even then, there was no guarantees I’d show up. I remember laughing while I yelled into the phone, swearing I’d give her the same respect as a mother that she gave me as a son. I hung up on her.” Kyle swallowed back the acid that rose in his throat.

  “But you ended up there, so what happened, Kyle?” The fear in Cate’s voice was real. He knew she could sense the danger that was coming, but it was too late to turn back, hence he pushed ahead.

  “A few days after that call, Nix showed up at my place. He said he’d received a call from one of mom’s neighbors and they suggested he come up to see her. He begged me to go up with him, because he was scared of what he would find if he went alone. I didn’t care about her, but I couldn’t refuse my brother. We took my car instead of Nixon’s squad car and headed up to Bethlehem.” Kyle heaved a sigh, once again thinking about that afternoon. “I’m glad I went with him. No one should have walked into that house alone. Christ, I wish neither of us saw it at all.”

  “She killed herself?” Kyle forgot for a moment that Cate was next to him, listening to recollections as if they were a horror film. In a lot of ways, he guessed they were.

  “Yes, she killed herself,” Kyle scoffed, shaking his head.

  With her head tipped to the side, Kyle could tell she was trying to make some sort of sense of his mother’s actions. “Do you think she felt guilty for leaving you and Nixon?”

  “No, my mother was just as bad as my father. In fact, she was even worse. At least that bastard stuck around. She vanished, and she used her death as another selfish way to have her needs met.” Cate’s brow lifted in confusion; he could tell he’d lost her in his explanation. Closing his eyes and pulling in a large breath, Kyle handed the envelope to Cate.

  “Here, read this. Maybe it will help you understand the person my mother was and why I am the way I am.”

  Unsheathing the letter, he watched as Cate’s eyes scanned the weathered page. Part of him wished that letter had never survived the accident. The other part was glad it had. His mother’s words were his tangible proof that she was in fact crazy, hateful, and horrid. The words were not figments of his imagination, but a reminder that for a moment in time she owned his sanity and he survived long enough to take it back. She would never control him again.

  Tears ran unchecked down Cate’s cheeks, as she finished reading and folded the paper into a small square. As if the smaller she made it the less harm it could do. “Angel, don’t waste your tears on me, honestly. I didn’t tell you that story or show you her words for your pity. I told you so you could understand what happened that night. I read that letter over and over as they took her body from her house. My brother was wrapped up in taking care of the legal stuff, and I was busy drinking what was left of the alcohol in her place. And the only thought running through my mind was how free I finally felt. How happy I was that neither of them existed in this world. The more I drank, the more I began to find truth in her words. After all, what kind of son found comfort in their parent’s deaths. I was a horrible person, but not for whatever reasons she manufactured in her own head. I was worthless only because they taught me no better.”

  “In my intoxicated mind, even in her death her presence was still taunting me. I could hear her laughing as she was daring me to join her in the fiery depths of hell. I wanted to see her one more time, to tell her that she and my father made me who I was. They broke me until I was no longer a man. They beat me until I became the monster she claimed I was. So I grabbed my keys, leaving Nixon in the house. I went to find my parents that night, knowing I wasn’t coming back.”

  Running the pads of her fingers under her eyes, Cate inhaled and exhaled a few times before speaking. “So you planned to… end your life that night?” Her voice was hoarse, her words carefully chosen.

  He slowly nodded his head. “Looking back now, I guess it seems that way. Then in my fucked up state, I just wanted to stop hurting. I didn’t care how, as long as it stopped. I needed them to see what they did to me, how they killed me.” He dropped his gaze back to hers. “But like I told you before, you saved me that night. And while I didn’t know the reason behind my will to keep fighting before, it’s so fucking clear to me now.” Taking a deep breath, Kyle ran his fingers through her silken auburn tresses and stared deeply into the most soulful eyes he’d ever seen. The eyes that saved him on the street the night he should have died.

  “Cate, I know it’s quick but I l…”

  “Stop. Kyle, please stop.” Her heart seized with panic as she watched the light dim in his emerald irises. “Please don’t say anything that will change things between us. I’m not ready.” She squeezed his hand, wishing he could read her heart so she wouldn’t have to force words she didn’t mean. “I…I don’t know if I ever will be. I care about you, Kyle. You know I do. This has nothing to do with you or your past. It’s all about me.” His brows lifted in disbelief. “Please, don’t look at me like that.”

  “Like what, Red?” His gentle voice was nearly her undoing as he moved even closer, the heat from his body radiating through his clothing and warming her without his physical touch.

  “Like you want me. Like you need me. Like you…love me.” She shook her head. “I can’t deal with that. Being with you makes me happy; it makes me feel safe. But I can’t deal with the pressure of anything more. Please, please let’s keep this where it is.”

  “Cate, everything you see when you look at me is exactly what I feel. Everything. I want you so bad it hurts when I’m not with you. I need you in a way I swore I’d never need anything or anyone. And because of that need to have you in my life, I won’t say the last part…even though it’s the truth.” His eyes no longer green gems but dark with emotion and desire burrowed into her heart claiming it without her consent nor with her resistance. “I’ll hold on to the words, and keep them close, but just know, Angel—that the feelings, they’re already yours.” Not breaking eye contact, Kyle lifted Cate’s hand and brought it to the left side of his chest, “When you’re ready…it’s yours.”

  Her insides ached. She yearned to return his love, knowing the courage it took for him to admit his own, she craved the strength to lock her past away and face the future with the man who possessed much more than her body, and she burned for the chance to show him just how much he meant to her even if she couldn’t produce the words.
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br />   Standing up on wobbly legs, she moved her hand from his chest to his shoulder then let it slide down his arm until it met his hand. Lacing their fingers, she stared up at him. With his heart exposed, there was much more than just a pretty man staring back at her. He was strength, warrior, touchstone and friend all wrapped into the sexiest damn package she’d ever seen. She might not have been ready or able to reciprocate his words, but she sure as hell could show him how she felt about him.

  With her mouth suddenly dry, she slicked the tip of her tongue across her bottom lip and reveled in the way his gaze instantly focused on her moist lips. A groan from deep in his chest set the butterflies in her belly scattering when he quickly elevated from the sofa and scooped her up in his arms. Snaking her limbs around his body, with her face merely a couple of inches from his, Cate playfully licked her lips once again and wagged her brows.

  “You think you’re pretty sexy, don’t you?” Kyle rasped as he paused at the entrance to his bedroom, “Well, you are. You’re the sexiest fucking thing I’ve ever known. Just looking at you makes my dick hard. But watching your sweet little tongue move across those plump lips,” he let her loose from his grip and closed his eyes, emitting another husky groan, “reminds me of when you had them around my cock. Fuck, I could come just thinking about it.”

  “That sounds like a waste.” The tip of her tongue traced her bottom lip in the most seductive way. “Why think about it when you can relive it right now?”

  Kyle stood to the side of his king-size bed, the mattress just inches away from his knees. His gaze blazing with desire, warning and begging with equal fervor. “Jesus, Red. Have fucking mercy.”

  Her delectable thoughts led to a wicked smile as she stared him straight in the eyes, “No mercy tonight, Sweet Man.” She relished in his quiet groan just before dropping to her knees.

  “Fuck, Red.”

  Her hands moved quickly to Kyle’s belt buckle. The clinking sound of metal and the whoosh of leather being whipped from Kyle’s jeans had Cate practically dripping with desire. She swiftly unbuttoned the denim and had them and his boxer briefs down around his ankles before he took his next breath.

  While the lights in the bedroom were off, the rest of the apartment wasn’t dark, so Cate could see more than just shadows of the delectable gift being offered to her. His long, thick erection bobbed proudly before her. Wrapping her hand around the hardened shaft, she licked her lips once again. Arousal pulsed through her before dipping her head to give him what they both craved. She lifted her eyes and saw nothing but unbridled passion, and insane desire staring down at her. Kyle spoke no words, but between his hooded gaze, his shallow breaths and they way he ran his fingers through her hair he said everything Cate could ever want to hear.

  Sighing with pleasure, she pumped his cock twice in her fist and then drifted the flat of her tongue over the sensitive head.

  “Christ,” Kyle hissed at the first contact. The woman was torturing him. Seriously, he was ready to hand over government secrets (if he had any), spend his life in prison, and it would all be worth it. Seeing Cate on her knees in front of him was the sexiest thing his eyes had ever fucking witnessed. He fisted her copper hair, exposing her long neck and beautiful face, affording him an exquisite view of the most erotic blow job he’d ever had. Well, aside from the other times she’d blown him.

  Cate knew exactly what she was doing to him, just how he liked to be touched. In the past, sex was about going numb and moving on. She was teaching him how to enjoy the ride, not just the release. And my God was he enjoying the ride.

  Pumping his shaft in one hand and cradling his balls in the other, Cate sucked the crown of his cock into her warm, welcoming mouth and began to suck in earnest. With each stroke, she took more of him—humming each time her tongue touched the sensitive spot underneath the head that made him groan.

  “Fuck, Red. That feels… amazing.” Kyle was mindless as he lost himself in the pleasure she bestowed upon him. Removing her hand from his length and the other from his balls, she wrapped them around his hips and began to suck him deeper into her throat. Slowly at first, she rocked his body back and forth, his dick sliding in and out of her wet mouth. Just as his rim would hit her lips, she’d suck him back, swallowing him down when he reached the back of her throat.

  “That’s right, Angel, let me fuck your mouth.” She moaned at his crude words, her eyes meeting his. No doubt her panties were dripping with arousal, and that made his control begin to slip.

  “Fuck, Red, I’m gonna come.” She latched on tighter, continuing to pump him into her mouth as sparks shot up his spine. His balls pulled closer to his body, and with a growl, Kyle erupted into her waiting mouth.

  Cate once again gripped his cock with her fist and lapped up every drop of his release as if it were ice cream. Kyle wasn’t sure how he still stood. The woman had taken every drop of his strength, yet he wanted her more now then he’d ever had before.

  Unbuttoning her shirt took an extra few seconds since his fingers were still shaking from the monstrous orgasm he’d just had, so after the third button, he ripped the blouse clear off. “Kyle, that was one of my favorites.”

  “Yeah, I really liked it, too,” he said dryly, moving on to her jeans.

  “Please, allow me. I love these,” Cate giggled, stripping out of them.

  He swallowed hard. There she was—half of her bathed in a slight beam of light creeping in from the main room of his apartment through the partially closed bedroom door, the other half a shadowed sight of art touched only by the glow of the street lanterns. Her flawless miles of ivory skin glowing just like the easy smile caressing her lips.

  “Was the lace for me, Angel?” He gestured to the green lingerie—the only thing still between him and all of her soft skin.

  She nodded, “Actually, it was. And I was really kind of sad when I thought I wasn’t gonna see you today.” Cate reached around to her back and undid the clasp of the sexy bra. As Kyle watched the straps slide down her silken shoulders, his cock began to stir. When he saw her eyes drift between his legs and she licked her lips, he went from a partial to full erection in seconds.

  “That’s what you do to me,” he said, palming his thickness. “Just knowing you want me, makes me hard. But you’ve had your taste and now I want mine. Drop the panties, Red, and let me see just how much sucking me off turned you on.”

  There was something unbelievably fucking sensual about watching Cate undress for him. Yeah, girls had always been eager to strip off the clothes and do whatever he told them to do, like puppy dogs. But it was different with her. Cate owned her body, each step they took, they took together. She wasn’t trying to win or impress him—no that was the furthest from what it was. Each time they were together, it felt like she was trying to enjoy him while expressing herself and that’s what made every second with Cate Lockton surreal.

  Taking Kyle’s outstretched hand Cate joined him on the bed. Her heart hammered behind her ribs, she was convinced Kyle could hear it but was too wrapped up in his own lust to point it out.

  “You’re so fucking beautiful, Angel.” He whispered as he ran his tongue up the shell of her ear. “Every inch of you is perfection, your hair, your eyes, your flawless skin.” Lowering his head to her breasts, he took one taut nipple into his mouth and suckled hard before releasing it with a pop. “Your fucking tits are incredible, the way your nipples tighten from the first second I touch you—so Goddamn responsive.” He moved to the other one licking then biting as she released a moan feeling each of his ministrations buzzing straight to her core.

  Wedged between her legs, Kyle moved himself lower as he continued his sensual assault down her abdomen and over her hip bone. His large hands ghosted over her skin sending chills up her spine and more moisture to pool between her legs.

  “I can smell you, Red.” Kyle rested her calves up over his shoulders bringing his face directly to her entrance and inhaled deeply. “Mmm, all sweet and spicy. Sucking my cock makes you wet do
esn’t it?” Cate didn’t answer. She couldn’t. Kyle had barely touched her and she was lost in her need for him. “Answer me, Cate.” He said both his voice and his eyes sharp with desire.

  “Yes, when I have you in my mouth, sucking on you, licking you…ahhh…my pussy aches for you, Kyle.”

  “Fuck,” Kyle rasped. Cate let her lids flutter shut as she felt ribbons of pleasure swirl through her body when Kyle pumped two fingers deep into her core. The first time his tongue slid over her sensitive nerves, Cate gasped, digging her nails into the sheets. As soon as Kyle lapped her from slit to clit, plunging his fingers deep into her pussy, whispering how sweet she tasted and how he couldn’t get enough—Cate found herself grabbing on to his hair as she grinded into his face.

  Sensations whipped through her, twirling from her core to her head. Her thighs quivered as hoarse pleas fell from her lips. With her release, came more need.

  “I need you, Kyle. I want you inside me.” He reached over to his drawer and pulled out a condom, unwrapping and applying it quickly. “We can discuss the latex thing later, I promise. But I can’t wait another second to have you.” She felt ravenous. Free. Tears began to sting the backs of her eyes.

  “You don’t need to wait for me, Angel. I told you, I’m here.” He took her mouth in a scorching kiss; one so hot she nearly came again. Tasting herself on his lips was sexy and sensual. She reached between them and guided his thick length into her body.

  “Ahh, God, Kyle—you feel amazing.” Wrapping her ankles around him she cradled him closed and savored every second of their joining.

  Groaning, he rocked in and out of her, kissing her lips, her neck and her breasts. While the mating was passionate, since they’d both already came, neither was hurried to finish. They took their time touching and stroking one another until they were each sweating, shaking and walking a hairs line.