Breaking to Breathe

by Lisa N. Paul

  The waitress quickly dropped the food off at the table, wearing a panicked expression, and rushed away. Anger pumped through Cate’s veins as she scooted out of the booth and reached into her wallet for money. “Breakfast is on me. I hope you enjoy it, because it is the only money you will ever get from me again.” As she attempted to leave the table, her mother grabbed her wrist and halted her exit.

  “You think you’re so special? So honorable, so great? You think you can move away, change your name, and people will forget about your past and love you for you?” The laugh that escaped her mother was as maniacal as the gleam in her eyes. “You’re nothing, Cathryn. Nobody. No one will ever care about you because you’re unlovable. Sure, you’re a pretty girl, great for a while, but eventually, you lose your shine, Cathryn. You always have. You’re replaceable, as seen when your own sister played you for years.” Her mother loosened the grip on her wrist, and Cate pulled away.

  “My name is Cate, and if I ever see either of you again, I’ll make sure that people know exactly who it was taking their money for interviews all those years ago. Stay the fuck away from me.” Cate hurried to the exit and into her car. She locked the doors and pulled out of the parking lot before she let her first tears fall. What had she been thinking coming to meet them? Her insides felt ripped to shreds as their words penetrated deeper into her soul.

  “Hey Elliot, it’s me. Yes, I know you have caller id. Still nothing?” Kyle and Elliot had been volleying phone calls for hours, neither one had heard from Cate, and both were becoming more and more worried as the day progressed. When he spoke with Cate early in the morning, she’d said she was meeting with her parent’s at eight, so even if their visit went well, he or Elliot would’ve heard something by four. But as the clock struck six, and Kyle was gearing up for another night behind the bar, he was worried sick about his girl.

  “Kyle, I promise you, I’ll text as soon as I hear from her. I swear it. Her parents are horrible people, Ky. I had a vision about this.”

  “A vision? What the fuck are you talking about, Ells.”

  “Cate hasn’t told you about me?” Elliot sounded surprised. Kyle was beginning to think there were a lot of things Cate hadn’t told him. “I’ll take your silence as a no.”

  “Smart fucking girl,” Kyle deadpanned.

  “Don’t be a dick. Cate barely believes it herself. I was struck by lightning, and I officially died last year. When they brought me back, I came with a party favor.” Her giggle did nothing to lighten his mood.

  “Elliot, dying is not a fucking joke. I’m not laughing, so explain better.”

  Clearing her throat, she retold the story and explained exactly what types of things she saw and knew. Including the night of Hurricane Leo, up to and including Cate’s meeting with her parents.

  Rage rolled through Kyle’s body, as he gripped the phone and roared, “What kind of friend are you? Christ, why didn’t you stop her?” Silence answered his questions, as Elliot’s breaths were the only indicator that she was still connected.

  “Do you feel better, Marx?” Her voice quiet but strong. “Does pushing me down make you feel taller, stronger? I already feel like shit, okay.” Her voice grew louder as he closed his eyes and cursed himself for losing his shit on the one person who’d loved Cate her whole life. “Yes, I saw things go bad between them, but if I stopped her from living her life, I’d be no better than them. I warned her, Kyle. I did the best I could without taking away her choices. And I’d do it the same way again.”

  Her tone was tight, barely a whisper as she said, “I believe you love her, Kyle. And the joy I see on her face I’ve never seen before. I’m grateful to you for that. But you haven’t been around her whole life, you haven’t seen what she’s up against, and you don’t know what she’s overcome. You best reign that temper in, buddy, because when she comes back, she may not be the same person that left yesterday.”

  Fear clawed in his chest, as thoughts of Cate lost and hurting played in his mind. “So what am I supposed to do?”

  “Fight like hell, Kyle. That’s what it’s gonna take, and our girl deserves no less.”

  “I may not have been around before, but I’m not going anywhere now.” The steel in his tone mirrored strength in his resolve. “That woman’s had me fighting since that night we met, I’m just getting started, Ells.”

  They promised to contact each other if and when one of them heard from Cate and then rang off.

  It was an extremely busy Friday night. With Ryan working a private party in the back bar, Ashley, Ando and Kyle ran the main room.

  The fast and furious pace helped the hours flash by as the music pumped, the drinks were poured and the smiles came easy. There were no drinks, no drugs, and no faceless women that could give him the natural high that working in Danny’s did. How he’d forgotten for even a moment, let alone months, something as integral to who he was, astounded him. That’s why he’d stayed for over a decade, and why owning part of the new place meant the world to him, and that’s why being there was the only thing keeping him from going physically crazy with worry for Cate.

  By closing time, Kyle was reaching for his emergency pack of smokes from behind the bottle of Lagavulin. It wasn’t too often people ordered that brand of scotch; hence his cigarettes were safe there.

  “Bro, you haven’t had a smoke in four days, and you’re gonna break now?” The private party had ended at midnight, allowing Ryan to lend a hand at last call and clean up.

  “He hasn’t heard anything from Cate, Ry. Give him a break. Hell, I’m ready to join him and I hate smoking.” Ashley rubbed soothing circles over Kyle’s back. “Go on, Ky, take your time.” Nodding his gratitude, Kyle swiped the pack and his phone and headed through the hall to the back exit.

  Tink. Scrape. Kyle inhaled, letting the nicotine travel down into his lungs and through his body, then slowly released the cloud of tainted air into the atmosphere. The motion alone helped to calm his frantic body, but nothing would help to quiet his mind until he knew she was safe.

  “You mind if I join you?”

  “What?” Ando stood there holding his own pack of smokes, his brow lifted as if Kyle’s answer truly would make a difference on whether or not the kid stayed or left. “Suit yourself, man.”

  The younger man propped himself against the wall and lit up. A comfortable silence fell around the two men as they stood in the alley breathing in the same polluted air. When Kyle’s phone vibrated, his heart began to race before he even saw the screen. “Ells, have you heard from her?”

  “Yeah, it’s me. She finally came back to her place about fifteen minutes ago.” Her voice was a little more than a whisper. “She’s in the shower, so I wanted to call you…”

  “Sit tight, Ells, I’m heading right over.”

  “No, Kyle, don’t. She’s bad. I don’t know what went down today, but I’ve never seen her like this. Give me until tomorrow to figure things out, and I’ll call you.” Even though he understood Elliot’s concern, she needed to get where he was coming from as well.

  “Cate needs us both,” he insisted

  “Tomorrow, Kyle. I promise.

  Checking the time on his phone, he replied, “Ells, it is tomorrow. I’ll finish up here. That will give you some time, but if you don’t open up the damn door when I get there, you’ll have a whole new set of problems to deal with. Understood?” He didn’t wait for her response before disconnecting the call.

  “Hey,” Ando called out, stopping Kyle just before he went back inside. Kyle took a deep breath, so as not to show the new kid his temper, after all, it wasn’t Ando’s fault Kyle wanted to clean up and get out of there ASAP.

  “Yeah?”

  Ando’s midnight eyes trained directly on Kyle, gone was the pretty boy kid replaced by a young guy who appeared to have seen too much for his years. “Know when to talk and know when to listen, okay?”

  “Sure, uhh…thanks.” Kyle nodded hastily before retreating into the bar.

  She Fi
ghts Like A Dude

  VIBRATING. THAT’S EXACTLY how she’d describe herself in one word. That was, if she could actually form any words at all. She was a live wire exposed and raw, standing in her shower, the scalding water pelting her back, not even hot enough to melt away the disgust she felt clinging to her skin. Anger, hurt, shame, fear, and frustration… all of it bubbled in her veins, making her head thrum and her pulse race. Her choppy breaths sounded strangled as she tried to contain the tears that threatened to spill and the screams that bounced in her diaphragm begging for release.

  “Again,” she cried, as the dam finally broke and her body shook with violent sobs. Her frame no longer strong enough to hold her upright, she slid down the shower wall until she was huddled into a tight shell, weeping uncontrollably.

  Again her parents stole her security and happiness. They knew exactly where to cut her, and they went for the jugular. During the long ride home, Cate replayed the confrontation over and over in her mind. Every ounce of her logical being knew that they would say and do anything to obtain what they wanted; that’s how they always were. Obviously, some things didn’t change. Cate could ignore their greed and contempt, forever if need be. She was a self-reliant adult and couldn’t be happier with that part of her life.

  As for the last part of the conversation, the words her mother threw out as Cate tried to leave. They were acid; they’d already burned through her skin and was now eating away at the ribs protecting her heart. You’re nothing…you’re replaceable… As much as it hurt, she knew for a fact it was true. She was replaceable; they had proven as much. When she left her family, they slid Fara into her place and not one person ever questioned the change. Sure, they were identical twins, but there were subtle differences. People who truly cared would have noticed, yet no one did.

  Other than Elliot, no one knew her at all. After years of being invisible, she’d finally started to let people in and her parents had to come along and destroy the delicate web of self-discovery she’d just begun to spin. What if she let Kyle in, what if he got to know her? The mystery would be solved and as her mother so callously put it, her shine would be gone. The thought of seeing disappointment, or worse, indifference in his eyes, made Cate’s stomach churn once again. There in the shower with the water turning colder, Cate heaved and cried until she was too weak to stand.

  She hated her parents, but most of all she hated herself for feeling any emotions at all.

  “I thought you would’ve made it much harder for me to get in here.” Kyle’s whole body was tense, his muscles wound tight, ready to snap at any second. Ryan and Ashley carted his ass all the way up to Cate’s place in record time the minute he relayed his discussion with Elliot. He had the best friends and co-workers ever.

  Pink rimmed eyes met his stare. “She’s still in the shower. I’ve begged her to open the door, but she refuses. I can hear her crying, Kyle, but I can’t get to her.”

  “You don’t have one of those skeleton keys?” The question came out shaky, which wasn’t a surprise since his entire body was trembling with tension and fear.

  Tears leaked down Elliot’s cheeks. “I tried it. She must have put a chair in front of the door, Kyle. I can’t get to her.”

  His heavy boots stomping up the stairs echoed through the small house. Putting his hands on either side of the door frame, Kyle drew in a deep breath and knocked loudly. “Angel, open the door.”

  After a brief moment, he knocked again, “Cate, I’m worried about you, baby, open the door or I’m gonna break it down.” He heard the water pouring in the shower, but no other noises came from the other side. “Fuck, Cate, I’m coming in.” Between his size and his fear, it took little energy for Kyle to bring down the bathroom door, like it was nothing more than a piece of tissue paper. It was the vision inside the small room that stole his breath, and nearly brought him to his knees.

  “Oh, God.” He murmured. Cate was tucked into a ball in the corner of the shower. Her skin was covered in gooseflesh and had a bluish hue, no doubt from the freezing water that was beating down on it. And she seemed to be sleeping, or worse, yet, passed out.

  “Elliot,” Kyle roared shutting off the water. “I need towels and blankets quick.” Kyle whipped off his shirt, wrapping the warm fabric around Cate’s cold skin.

  “Sweet angel, what the hell did they do to you?” He swept her out of the bathroom and into the hallway where he met a devastated Elliot. She led him to Cate’s bedroom and helped settle Cate into her bed. “Are you going to clue me in?”

  “Kyle, I still have no clue.” Elliot pinched the bridge of her nose and slammed her eyes closed, as if she was trying to recall every detail. “She came home ghost white and mumbling something about being better off alone. She told me to go to my own place for the night. That’s something she’s never done, ever. When I refused to leave her, it’s like she shut down and went into the bathroom. This is the first time I’ve seen her since.”

  Kyle took off his boots and reclined on the bed next to Cate’s sleeping form. Even wrapped in blankets, she was still shivering in her sleep. “I’m gonna stay here tonight.” He wasn’t seeking permission, hence no question was asked, but when Elliot nodded slowly, a small weight seemed to lift from his chest. “She needs to know she’s loved, Ells. And I love her. I fucking love her like crazy.”

  Elliot wiped away the last of her tears and gave him a small smile. “I know you do, Marx. Just… never mind.”

  “No way, Freak-n-Chic, now that I know of your little mind trick, if you have something to say, say it.” Kyle wasn’t certain he believed the whole Elliot story, but if it was true, it couldn’t hurt to hear her out.

  Her smile was wider, finally reaching her eyes. “Your girl has a mean left hook, and she fights like a dude. Don’t let her push you out of the ring.” Elliot left the room; the door clicked firmly closed behind her.

  Turning to his side, Kyle dug his elbow into the pillow and rested his head on his hand, watching as Cate slept on. Even asleep, she wasn’t at peace. Sad whimpers and mumbled words played on her lush lips as one tear trickled from the corner of her eye. Kyle could have sworn his heart cracked when that droplet of sadness trekked down the side of her face.

  Using his free hand he ran his fingers through her damp auburn hair, moving the strands away from her beautiful face. “I love you, Cate. I do. And I’ll never give you a reason to question that love. I promise.” Lowering his face to hers, he pressed a soft kiss to her lips welcoming back the warmth that finally heated her soft flesh.

  Grateful to have his girl back in his arms, Kyle felt more pieces of his wall begin to recede. Even in the darkness, his internal light seeped through. Breathing deeply, he drifted off to sleep.

  Heat—smooth, strong heat wrapped around her, keeping her safe, keeping her afloat. Those were the last unconscious thoughts that waved through Cate’s mind before her eyes slowly opened, taking in her room and the incredible arms that held her tight. For a moment, she was lost for time; she couldn’t remember how she’d made it to her bed and why Kyle was asleep and half-dressed above her covers. The last she remembered they were having incredible sex at his place, in his bed.

  And then, like a tsunami, her memories hit her. Breakfast with her parents, the things they said, “you’re nothing…you’re replaceable… You’ll lose your shine, like you always do…” Cate didn’t remember the long ride home, but she did recall entering her house and seeing Elliot’s tormented face and telling her to leave, but after that, nothing. Like her memories were erased, her mind blank.

  What she didn’t forget was her deep need to distance herself, to protect herself, to put her heart back in the shell she’d been living in for more than twenty years, because in that hardened place, there was no pain. No expectations and no disappointment. That was where she needed to stay.

  “Angel,” Kyle’s voice was rough from sleep. Its sexy timber had her insides melting like butter. She needed to stay away from Kyle if she had any hopes of regaining
control of her life. “Your breathing changed. I know you’re awake.”

  She turned to face him, putting some much needed space between their bodies. “Why are you wearing your jeans?” Her throat was raw from the multiple crying jags she had yesterday, and while she couldn’t remember late last night, the way her eyes were burning, she’d probably cried herself to sleep. Sadness filled his green gaze, “You don’t remember, do you?” She shook her head, biting on her lower lip, almost afraid of what his next words would be. Never had she blacked out before, not from alcohol and certainly not from crying. “Cate, when I got here last night, I had to break down your bathroom door. Sorry for that, by the way.” His lips quirked when he promised he’d fix what he broke. “Angel, you were passed out in the shower, practically frozen to death from the cold water.”

  “It was really, really hot when I stepped in.” She knew the comment sounded stupid, but it was all she had to offer.

  He stroked her arm and awakened thousands of goose bumps. “Are you still cold?” The way he asked the question suggested he already knew temperature had nothing to do with the response. “Baby, I was crazy with worry. Please, tell me what happened yesterday. You told me before you left that you’d let me in. You mean the world to me, Angel. Please.” Your shine will wear off…you’re nothing…

  There was no doubting Kyle thought he loved her. But she knew the truth. He’d been with countless women. She was probably no more than a challenge he hadn’t yet conquered. He’d lived through his own hell and came out stronger and better. He didn’t need her insecurities and mind fucks to ruin his progress. “Kyle, I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’ve been able to find peace after the hand you’ve been dealt.” She could see both confusion and understanding weigh in his stare. “But…”