Breaking to Breathe

by Lisa N. Paul

  Knifing up to a sitting position, Kyle scowled, “Nope, not gonna happen, Angel. I’m not letting you go. Not now not ever. I love…” Cate raised her hand and covered his mouth.

  “Stop. I’m not kidding, Kyle. I don’t want to hear it. You don’t even know me. You lust for me, you enjoy my company, and you like fucking me, but you do not love me.” She took a shallow breath and finished her thought. “I can’t do this with you today. I need time to be alone. On my own. That’s how I work best.” Reining her temper in with her volume, she added, “Now please leave.”

  She watched as Kyle hopped out of her bed and stalked around the room. Smoldering anger radiated from his every fiber. She hated what she was doing to him, but it was the only way. The only way to save herself. “You do not get to tell me who I love or how I love. You get no say on what I feel or when I feel it.” His words were growled, but wait, maybe they weren’t angry maybe they were passionate. Shit. “Those are my decisions, Cate. Mine. I may have fucked around for a long time, but that didn’t make me a stupid man.” Squatting down next to her bed, his face was level with hers. “I’m in love with you. I figured it out on my own. I need you in my life, that’s how I work best. Take some time, but know, I’m not letting you go.” He grabbed his shirt and boots and walked out of her room.

  “She’s all yours, Ells.”

  “Umm, thanks, Kyle,” She heard Elliot respond as the front door thundered closed.

  Payback

  “THANKS FOR THE invite to dinner, guys. It’s been ages since I had a home cooked meal.” Nixon handed a bouquet of flowers to Janie and a bottle of wine to Max. “It’s rare I’m off on Sundays, and I wanted to spend some time with my big brother.”

  “Am I sensing a little hero worship?” Lyla teased pulling both Marx’s in for hugs.

  “Good to see you, too, Ly. Any new men I need to arrest for you or do you just wanna borrow my handcuffs again?” Nixon laughed when Lyla punched him in the arm.

  “That was a secret, you asshole,” she giggled. Watching as the entire group stared with rounded eyes and open mouths. “Relax, guys, he’s just joking…kind of. I asked to borrow his cuffs one time when I was visiting Kyle at the hospital.” She shrugged. “No biggie.”

  “You will never cease to amaze me, Ly,” Janie laughed taking her flowers into the kitchen.

  Kyle led his brother farther into the house. “You know everyone here except for Ando Perez; he’s our new bartender, or as the ladies call him, Latin lollipop.” As Ando stood to shake Nixon’s hand, Kyle saw the slight blush that covered his cheeks. Was he embarrassed by the comment? The guy was quiet; while he exuded confidence and charm, there wasn’t a hint of cockiness in his behavior, and that’s what made him so damn likeable. “And this adorable little thing is Elliot Price. You may have heard me mention her a time or two.” More like two thousand. Kyle constantly talked to his brother about Cate and, because of that, Elliot as well. But in the past couple of days, since Cate had all but locked him out of her life, Elliot had been his one tether to the woman he loved.

  “Yeah, I think I’ve heard of you.” Nixon joked, clearly appreciative of the petite blonde smiling up at him. He reached out, taking Elliot’s small hand in his, and she gasped. Kyle could see the physical reaction in both his brother and his friend the moment their skin touched. When Elliot retracted her hand as if she’d been burned, Kyle turned his attention to Nix, who stood stone still, with his brows furrowed and his lips in a thin line.

  “It’s nice to finally meet you, Nixon.” Elliot said softly and then quickly excused herself from the family room and headed in the direction of the kitchen.

  “What the hell happened there?” Kyle asked, probing his brother.

  Looking dazed and more than a little confused Nix stared down at his hand and then absently shook his head. “I haven’t a fucking clue.”

  “So how’s Cate doing, Elliot?” Julie’s inquiry, while appropriate and sincere, had Kyle’s jaw clenching around the piece of chicken that was somehow growing larger by the minute in his mouth.

  “Um, she’s okay, Julie. Thanks for asking.” Kyle observed how Elliot glanced away from Julie and studied her plate as if it contained the answers to world hunger and global warming. Cate had shut everyone out over the past couple of days, and while it was killing Kyle, it was devastating Elliot.

  “You think she’ll make it to the party on Tuesday?” Obviously, Danny had taken a liking to both women. Danny was like the CIA. Once you were under his wing, you were there for life. When Elliot didn’t answer immediately, Danny continued, “It’d be a shame for her not to see all the work you girls did come to fruition.”

  “I’m sure she’ll do her best, Danny.” Elliot sighed before taking a long drink from her glass. Kyle felt guilty. The poor woman who always seemed certain was squirming under the scrutiny. It wasn’t her fault that Cate had shut down, and before he had the chance to say anything in her defense, Lyla jumped in.

  “Cut the girl a break. Christ. No disrespect, Danny, but it’s not Ells’ fault that Cate is MIA, and frankly, if this is what the chickie needs to do in order to heal,” Lyla made a flicking motion with her hand, “let her do it. I know how she feels. I mean, hello? Anyone remember a certain four day vacay I took not too long ago?”

  Kyle scrubbed his hand around his neck. “Really, Ly? I thought we were over that.”

  Lyla left her chair and skirted around the table to him. Standing behind him and wrapping her arms around his wide chest, she leaned in and gave him a bear hug. “We are Ky. But it’s important to remember that everyone handles things their own way.” She leaned over and slapped a kiss on his cheek before scooting back to her chair. The tension in the room broke as everyone began to clear dishes from the table. Everyone but Ando.

  Kyle watched as Ando’s eyes followed the firecracker that was Lyla Dalton around the dining room. He noticed that the new bartender’s lids fluttered closed when Lyla reached over him to grab dishes or if she brushed his arm without realizing it. Kyle also found himself grinning when Ando’s nostrils flared as he breathed in her scent, each time the short vixen looped her arm around him in the friendly-flirty way she did with all of her friends. The guy had a crush on the resident beauty, and it was his job to squelch the poor kid’s dreams before a certain biker bad boy squelched his body.

  The women brought the dessert and drinks into the family room while the men cleaned the kitchen and stacked the dishwasher—a little tradition Lyla started way back at the beginning of the Sunday dinners.

  “So I was wondering, are any of you able to go out for a drink tonight?” Kyle rubbed the back of his neck, hoping the guys would be available. When no replies came from the peanut gallery, Kyle reached down to his obnoxious roots and made another attempt.

  “Guys, after all the times I’ve had to listen to your collective whiney asses bitching about your women, it’s time for pay back. Now, who’s available for drinks at Choppers tonight?”

  Crossing large muscled arms over his chest, Max arched his brow and shifted his gaze from Kyle to Ryan. A slow grin moved over the huge man’s face. “You know what, brother? Ryan and I are both in. We’d love to talk chicks with you. After all, it’s the least we can do. Right, Ry?” Ryan’s quick agreement made Kyle happy and Max chuckle.

  “Cool, thanks, guys. I really appreciate it.” For the first time since Cate left his place on Friday morning, Kyle felt relief.

  “You guys are coming with us, aren’t you?” Ryan addressed Danny, Nix, and Ando. “It’s sure to be an enlightening discussion.” Max snorted at Ryan’s word choice. Kyle probably should have asked what that meant, but he really didn’t care.

  The three other men declined the invitations. Nixon had to be on the job early, therefore he needed to head back into the city, Danny wanted some alone time with his wife, and Ando—he gave no more excuse other than no, thanks. So it looked like it was just the three of them, which was just fine for Kyle.

  Being one of the
few bars open on Sunday nights in Charistown, Choppers had a pretty decent crowd. A onetime biker bar, the place still drew an interesting if not entertaining clientele. A lot of leather, fascinating facial hair, tattoos (not that Kyle or Ryan could say a thing about that), and attitudes were found between the walls of Choppers. It was a place you could go to hang out and unwind without being judged or bothered, unless of course you tried to make out with one of the bikers old ladies, that never ended well—as Kyle learned firsthand a time or two.

  “Grab a table; first round’s on me,” Ryan called over his shoulder on the way to the bar. Max led the way to a table closest to the billiard area and straddled his big body onto the backwards chair. Kyle sat as well, pulling the bowl of peanuts closer to him and began the de-shelling process. He hated no longer being allowed to smoke in bars in Pennsylvania, so shelling peanuts at least kept his hands busy.

  Ryan returned with a pitcher of beer and Roni, the cute little waitress that worked the Sunday night shift. She gave each of the guys a frosty mug, two shots of vodka, and a shy smile before promising to return with refills. Three pairs of eyes watched, appreciatively, as the sexy legs in the short skirt sauntered over to the next table.

  Kyle observed how a burly guy in a leather vest attempted to slide his hand under Roni’s skirt, and how she shifted her stance just enough that he no longer had purchase on her skin. “She must make some great fucking cash to stick around here as long as she has. Check out the way that piece of shit is touching her? Guys can be such dicks.”

  “Dude, are you fucking bullshitting us with this crap?” Ryan’s head was cocked to the side, his brows furrowed as he continued. “Did you have a lobotomy and forget to tell us about it?” Max choked on his beer before swallowing it successfully. “Ky, let me remind you, you’ve made more passes on that chick than a quarterback. What happened, you all of a sudden grow some morals?”

  Lifting the first shot glass and saluting his friends, Kyle slung back the liquor letting Ryan’s question marinate. “No, I guess, I finally grew a heart.”

  The smile Max had been sporting since Kyle invited him for drinks vanished, leaving a very serious, very solemn glare behind. “That is where you’re wrong.” Max paused, dishing out the next round of shots and waiting for each of the men to swallow them before continuing to speak. “You, my friend, have always had heart. You’ve been one of the best, most loyal friends I’ve ever known. You may have lost your way for a bit, but we all have, Kyle. Each one of us. You got me?”

  Kyle remembered when Max’s first wife cheated on him, and when she died, Max was a disaster. In fact, he’d traveled down a dark path for close to ten years before meeting Janie. How easy it was to forget someone else’s darkness when you’re stuck in your own. Kyle found himself nodding at Max’s question, because words refused to come out around the lump in his throat.

  “Okay, enough emotional shit. Before we turn into chicks and get our periods, why did you drag our asses here?” Ryan laughed, pouring beer into the chilled mugs. Just like that, the tension was broken and an ease spread over the table.

  Kyle told his buddies about Cate. The whole story from the first time they met the night of his accident to the morning she asked him to leave her house and just about every detail in between. Even though he knew she probably wouldn’t appreciate her history being shared, he informed Max and Ryan about her kidnapping because, honestly, that played an enormous part in the woman she became.

  Kyle watched as his best friends absorbed the information he revealed, the anger and remorse for pain Cate endured. Ryan related to the part when Kyle was tossed to the curb. Ashley had done the same thing to him, only with more attitude and less asking.

  In the end, Kyle sat quietly and waited for the sound advice he knew both of his friends would give. After all, they were in successful relationships. With Ryan and Ashley engaged and Max and Janie living together, he would follow whatever they suggested.

  Silently, Max poured another round of beers from the fresh pitcher that had just been delivered to the table. Both he and Ryan took fortifying sips, and looked at each other before turning their attention to Kyle, who was drumming his fingers impatiently on the scarred table.

  “Hmm,” Ryan started, “My suggestion is…you bring around as many girls as possible and fuck them all in front of her. Yeah, that should work. Make her good and jealous. She’ll either fall at your feet or dump you.” Ryan shrugged. “Either way, you’re getting a ton of pussy.”

  Kyle blinked, and then blinked again. What the… “The fuck? Ryan, have you not heard a thing I said to you in the past hour? Jesus Christ…”

  Max cut him off, “Well, you could insult Elliot, cause a major scene that leads to days of turmoil and stress. Maybe that will win her over.” Max and Ryan high fived and took large gulps of their beer. It was then that the message sunk in. His friends were serving up the very same advice he’d given/done to them when they were falling in love.

  “You guys are douche bags,” Kyle said.

  “No, man,” Ryan chuckled, “we’ve been waiting a long time to ‘pay you back’ for all of the valuable dating help you gave us.” While Max and Ryan continued to laugh, Kyle just shook his head in disgust.

  “All right, you got me.” Kyle raised his hands in defeat as he stood up and reached for cash to pay the tab.

  “Sit down, man. We were just having fun… it was the least we could do…seriously, the least.” Ryan snickered once more and then turned serious. “If you love this woman like to say you do, you need to pull out the big guns.”

  “Tell me, I’ll do anything. Not being with her isn’t an option for me.”

  Ryan looked at Max and shrugged, clearly a secret conversation was taking place, one that Kyle couldn’t decipher. Max smiled, nodding in return. In unison they both turned to Kyle and said, “Lyla.”

  Her house was quiet without Elliot around to liven up the space. No chatter, no music, no laughter, just the humming of the heater and the occasional chimes of the grandfather clock in the hallway. Cate moved from room to room, trying to find comfort in a place that now felt cold and foreign. Sure, it had only been twenty-four hours since Ells left, but other than a text message inviting her to Janie’s for dinner, which she’d declined; Elliot had respected Cate’s wishes and given her space. It wasn’t like her friend to walk away that easily, but maybe Elliot had finally realized that Cate wasn’t worth all of the hassle.

  “Fine, no problem. I can do everything on my own.” Cate spoke to herself out loud. “If she wants out of the business, I’ll…I’ll figure it out. I’ll scrape up the money and buy her out.” Dizzied with the thought of losing her one true friend, her sister of the heart, she jumped when Elliot began to speak.

  “Good God, Catey have you knocked your head on something hard?” Her arms were crossed over her chest as she tapped her heeled foot on the hardwood floor. “You asked—no, demanded space. I gave it to you. But,” she shrugged as if having not a care in the world, “I’m all done with that now. So take off your drama drawers and yank up the action thong, ‘cause it’s time you start livin’ your life instead of letting it live you!”

  How could she not laugh at that statement? It was impossible. However once Elliot was pulled tightly into the mother of all hugs, Cate began to weep. The coil of stress that had been tightly wrapped in her stomach began to loosen, but the level of pain escalated instead of the opposite. Allowing herself to feel the pain she’d pressed down for three days hurt more now that it was coming to the surface.

  “Catey, I can’t breathe, you Amazon.” Cate loosened her grasp and wiped her eyes; it was time to tell her friend exactly what went down in West Virginia.

  “My God, those people are crazier than I gave them credit for. How the hell did you end up so normal?” When Cate shot a This is normal? Glare to Elliot, her friend revised. “Okay, how did you end up kind and sweet and loving?”

  “I spent most of my childhood in your home,” Cate admitted.
>
  Cate gave a detailed account of the conversation, everything that was said except for the part about her being replaceable. That part was too painful for her to repeat, even if it was only to her best friend. She knew Elliot would claim they were wrong, liars, and insane; that’s what friends did. But facts spoke for themselves, and in all the years that her family continued to milk the interviews, no one in the media or the audience outside of the Reeds ever noticed that Cate was no longer playing the role of herself.

  “I find it strange that your sister didn’t come with your parents. She was always keen on pleasing them.” Cate was surprised by Fara’s absence as well; there were too many things jumbled in her mind to zero in on just her sister.

  “It hurts too much to think about it, Ells.” Cate poured a sweetener into her hot tea, watching as the grains instantly melted, becoming one with its environment. “Just when I was finally happy, they took it from me… again. Why do they hate me? Why?” Her eyes stung; she’d thought it was impossible for more tears to come, but clearly that was one more thing she’d been wrong about.

  “Sweetie, they’re assholes. Plain and simple. As for why they hate you, I don’t know, and chances are we’ll never find out. But I can tell you one thing; they didn’t take your happiness,” She squeezed Cate’s hand. “You gave it to them. I know it may sound cruel, but you’ve been allowing those…those…fuckers to hold on to your happiness your entire adult life. So I guess my question is, when are you going to take it back?”

  All of Elliot’s statements made sense. Logically, Cate knew her friend was correct, but when she found herself letting go and accepting new friends and first love—yes, in the past couple of days she’d realized that the only way losing Kyle could hurt as much as it did was if she loved him—she had it ripped out from beneath her, leaving her standing on quaking ground with nothing solid to steady her.