Blue Jay

by A Zukowski

  slacking now.”

  “You’re so bossy! Yes, I’m watching you. I only

  managed to scrape through my schooling, too, you

  know.”

  Alex

  was

  already

  training

  semi-

  professionally when he did his school exams and

  studying was not a priority for him either.

  Chris looks over. “But I bet you can read and

  write better than me.” She squints at the various

  boxes of the form and struggles to fill them out. She

  is so slow at this and she hates herself for it.

  At one point, she kicks her long legs out with

  frustration brought on by the whole process. “I can’t

  do this!” She throws her pen down.

  Alex picks it up and shoves it back in her hand.

  “Come on. Don’t be impatient now.”

  Chris has to force herself to carry on. Damn it. If

  she can’t even pass this first test… She stares at the

  next question. “What’s this? Highest quality…?”

  Alex takes a look over the form. “Qualifications.”

  Chris pouts. “What does it mean? I don’t have any

  qualifications. Isn’t that the point of me going back

  to college?”

  “No, it means the last thing you studied. Like

  what were your GCSE grades? Did you pass any

  exams?”

  “Oh!” Chris is grateful that Alex is always so

  patient when it comes to helping her. She returns to

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  the question and carefully writes them out.

  Alex reads Chris’s grades and grins. Chris scowls

  at him.

  “Sorry. I’m not laughing at you. I’m thinking

  about my own results.”

  “What?” Chris is still staring at Alex with

  mistrust.

  “I only got two passes as well. A ‘D’ in human

  biology and an ‘E’ in English. What a pair we are!”

  Alex shakes his head.

  Chris rolls her eyes. “Why don’t you apply to

  come to the classes with me? I can picture you

  sitting at the back of the classroom!”

  In her imagination, the room has these kid’s size

  desks and chairs; Alex would struggle not to break

  them.

  Alex smiles as if he can see that image too. “Nah, I

  don’t think so. I’ll leave the studying to the brainy

  one. Besides, I’ve got to bring home the bacon.”

  Chris hits him with her pen again. “I don’t need

  your money and I don’t eat bacon.”

  Alex laughs. “All the more for me. So, what

  subjects are you taking?”

  Chris looks pained, her eyes feeling funny from

  concentrating too much. She should take an eye

  test, too. “I need three good grades, so perhaps

  English and biology. And I’ll retake maths to get a

  better result. I don’t need to decide until the

  beginning of term.”

  ~~~

  Chris chews the top of the pen when she’s not

  writing.

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  “You’re so cute with your big eyes and pen-

  chewing.”

  She stares at Alex until he backtracks.

  “I mean, your determination is kinda catching.”

  He reaches out and kisses her.

  When they break off, Chris pushes him away. “No

  time for this kind of thing for me now. Education

  and career come first!”

  Alex laughs some more, prompting Chris to

  punch his arm again.

  “Take me seriously. Damn it!”

  “I do! I do!” Alex pretends to dodge the blows,

  which are hardly making a dent. Then he grabs

  Chris’s wrists and stops her. “I take you seriously. I

  love you, Chris.”

  Chris’s eyes widen as she stares at Alex and her

  vision turns white. So many have said those three

  words to her over the years because they were in

  lust and fucking her, or they wanted to. That’s why

  she spent years believing love was overrated and it

  only gave people false hope.

  “You…mean it?”

  “Absolutely.”

  She could reconsider it. It. Love. Big fucking scary

  word.

  Chris opens her mouth to say something, but Alex

  puts his forefinger on her lips. “Shh. It’s okay. You

  don’t have to love me back out of obligation, but I

  do love you.”

  Chris wants to love Alex. She’ll have to learn how

  to, like the education that she’d missed out on.

  She’ll sign up now and see what happens. She will

  learn to care for another person and get a good

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  grade in it. For now, she thinks the world of Alex

  and that’s enough. He’s strong and gentle, calm and

  patient, serious and vulnerable. He deserves to be

  loved and Chris will get there. That decision makes

  her chest swell, so she smiles in acknowledgement

  and marvels at the sight of Alex that has made her

  dare to hope.

  ~~~

  Later that night, Alex comes home from his shift

  and walks straight into their bedroom. Chris grins,

  pretending to be asleep. With her eyes closed, Chris

  imagines Alex is pleased to see her, how he strips in

  the dark, revealing his hard body covered by the

  tattoos. All his ripped muscles capable of protecting

  her and warming her every night.

  She feels the mattress dip when Alex gets in. His

  strong chest close to her back and rough fingers on

  Chris’s cool skin, the connection arouses her from

  her sleep.

  “Hey. I love the smell of sweat on you.”

  “Sorry. Should I shower?” Alex offers.

  “Hmm, no? I like to rub my face against your

  armpit, especially after sex.”

  Alex giggles. “Kinky. Go back to sleep. I didn’t

  mean to wake you.”

  “It’s okay. I was awake.”

  Alex circles his fingers on Chris’s neck and

  shoulder. “How was the youth project?”

  Chris smiles in the dark. “It’s good. Really good.”

  For the first time, she’s contributing something and

  not getting paid. She understands now why Alex

  volunteers at the boxing club.

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  Alex kisses her shoulder with such a sweet, tender

  stroke of his lips. No one would believe that’s what

  Alex Whale is capable of. “Great. I knew you’d be a

  wonderful carer.”

  “Oh, fuck off.”

  Alex chuckles. “I hope you don’t talk to the kids

  that way.”

  “I’m sure they’ve heard worse.”

  Alex’s kisses become more urgent, and Chris

  responds as heat grows inside of her. Alex turns her

  around and trails his tongue down Chris’s neck and

  front, licking the hard nipples and down the pale

  flesh. He wraps his mouth around Chris’s cock and

  sucks, using a little teeth as Chris has taught him.

  “Fuck!” Chris moans and bucks up, pushing

  further into Alex’s mouth. Chris can tell Alex is

  trying hard to please her, applying techniques that

  remain a little alien to him. His admiring brown

  eyes, not sk
ills, are enough to turn her on.

  When Alex finally releases Chris’s cock, she’s

  ready to combust.

  “You’ve got a perfect dick, Chris, like the rest of

  you.” Alex smears pre-cum around the head. “Do

  you wanna top?”

  Chris cups Alex’s head in her hands. “You want

  me to? Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, want you.” Alex takes off his boxers,

  revealing his own erection. Chris imagines he’d be

  intimidating for a smaller sexual partner. Chris

  doesn’t mind because when Alex leaves her a bit

  sore after sex, it reminds her of him in her, within

  her.

  “Turn around.”

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  Alex does, and Chris lifts his arse up. Chris uses

  her tongue on Alex, pulling out all the stops to prep

  him. Alex responds by groaning and wriggling,

  desperate for his first bottoming experience.

  Chris smirks at Alex. “Big Blue’s tight arse. I’m so

  spoilt.”

  She finds a condom from their bedside table,

  tears the foil packet open with her teeth and rolls it

  on. She drizzles extra lube on the condom. She’s

  determined to make Alex’s first time special.

  Alex steals a glance at his lover. “I’ve been

  wondering about your dick inside me for so long.

  It’s one of my favourite sexual fantasies about you.”

  Chris leans down and kisses Alex’s cheek. Her

  erection aligns with Alex’s arsehole. “No pressure!

  Relax and it won’t hurt.”

  “I trust you,” Alex says.

  That brings out a crooked grin on Chris’s face.

  She admires the muscles of Alex’s back and the

  tattoos. The beautiful lines of the wild animals, like

  Alex, who is soft and strong at the same time. Life is

  a paradox, too. Sometimes Alex finds it reassuring

  when Chris laughs at the bad stuff. If they can find

  humour together, they will survive.

  “Can I see you when you fuck me?” Alex’s voice is

  muffled on the mattress. Their favourite sex

  positions allow them to maintain eye contact. One

  of them lies down on the bed or they face each other

  on their sides. When they don’t want to fuck, they

  touch and kiss, sometimes for hours in their own

  non-sex heaven.

  “Sure. Turn over.”

  Alex does and Chris pushes his legs back at the

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  knees. Chris considers Alex, now slick with her

  saliva and lube, and inches in, stretching Alex, who

  issues soft appreciation of the fullness. When Chris

  is buried, she angles to hit the sensitive spot inside

  of Alex and is rewarded with a pleasant sigh. Sweat

  beads on Alex’s chest and face, his eyes dazed from

  the intensity of his first experience of getting

  fucked. Chris slows down as she nears climax and

  takes Alex’s cock in her hand. That way, she

  controls their orgasms. Chris lets herself go only

  after she knows her lover is satisfied. She delves

  into Alex hard until her whole body shakes and

  stiffens.

  Chris gazes at the deep tawny of Alex’s eyes.

  “Come here.” Alex beckons.

  Her breathing calming, Chris withdraws and

  disposes of the condom. She scoots up to reach

  Alex’s broad chest and puts her ear against Alex’s

  heart, marvelling at the wild thumps. Chris inhales

  the fresh sweat from Alex, her favourite scent.

  “How was it? Your first time with a cock up your

  arse.” Chris smiles against Alex’s bare skin.

  “It was…great. I didn’t feel weird. It felt right to

  have a dick inside of me. Your dick.” Alex laughs

  and Chris follows him, her shoulders shaking.

  “What about you? Tell me about your first time,”

  Alex whispers, as though he’s asking about

  something elicit.

  “My first time?” Chris winces. “You don’t want to

  know.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  Chris inhales. “I was fourteen, and he was this

  other kid in the school. Big and hot. We did it in his

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  bed when his parents were away one night. That’s

  it.”

  Alex frowns. “Was he your boyfriend?”

  Chris shakes her head. “No. He didn’t use a

  condom, saying he’d never done it without one and

  since I was a virgin, it’d be okay. It was painful as

  hell, but he wouldn’t stop when I told him to. He

  was a lot stronger than me. And as soon as we’d

  fucked, he stopped talking to me. He said I’d been

  gagging to take him up my arse since I was a slut

  anyway. They used to laugh at me and my mum at

  school. That’s it. It hurt. A lot.”

  It was a combination of physical and emotional

  hurt, a mix that would soon become familiar to her.

  Alex kisses Chris’s cheek. “What a stupid fuck.”

  “Well, I used to specialise in dating assholes and

  bitches. What can I say? I’m an idiot.”

  “They didn’t deserve you, and you didn’t love

  them. Not really.”

  Chris’s eyes dim. “That’s a cliché but true.”

  “You really do deserve better. I want to chase off

  the memory of every fucking terrible thing that has

  happened to you.”

  Chris blinks. Over the years she has built herself a

  fortress, brick by brick, commemorating every hurt

  she has suffered. Its walls are thick. To let Alex in,

  she will have to let him open this fortress, dismantle

  the walls.

  Chris can hear the door opening. It squeaks due

  to lack of use, but still. Alex has the key.

  “I guess your first time was with your childhood

  sweetheart?”

  “Sam. Yeah.”

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  Alex steals another kiss from Chris, who can’t

  keep her eyes open.

  “Now, go to sleep,” Alex whispers.

  Exhaustion washes over her. It’s been a long day.

  “Night, Alex.”

  “Night, Chris.”

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  CHAPTER 17

  FAITH

  JESS WANTS CHRIS to paint her nails dark blue.

  “Are you sure it’s all right with school? I still

  remember the shit I got for violating the uniform

  code,” Chris says. She has noticed Jess’s make-up

  today.

  Jess lifts her face and squints. “It’s half-term

  holiday. I’m not back to school till Monday so I’ll

  take it off on Sunday night, okay?” She gives the

  small bottle of varnish to Chris.

  “All right. As long as you don’t wear it to school, I

  guess it’ll be fine.” Chris smiles. “Listen to me,

  talking like a responsible grown-up telling the kid

  off!”

  They giggle and enjoy the closeness between them

  as Chris concentrates on Jess’s nails. The teenager

  blinks at Chris. “When… when did you start to think

  you are a girl?”

  Chris can’t look up so she answers without eye

  contact. “Hmm. I was twelve. Actually, I don’t want

  to be a girl. I don’t want to be only a boy or a girl i
f

  that makes sense?”

  “Oh.” There’s a hint of disappointment in Jess’s

  voice but then she nods. “I understand. Gender-

  fluid, right?”

  “Yeah. Generally queer, I guess.” Chris finishes

  one hand and looks up at Jess. “So, what about you?

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  Tell me about yourself, if you want.”

  Jess bites her lip. “I was about eight or nine. I

  hated everything that boys were supposed to do,

  and I felt wrong. I’d like to transition someday.”

  Jess is thirteen. The public health service provides

  some help for trans kids under eighteen, but

  accessing advice can be a problem without her

  parents’ support.

  “Have you seen a doctor or spoken to your

  parents about it?” Chris asks gently.

  Tears swim in Jess’s brown eyes. “My mum may

  be okay with it, I guess. I’ve always told her I’m not

  a boy. She’s nice. She listens to me. My stepdad

  would rather see me dead than believe I’m a girl.

  I’ve only been reading about it online.”

  Chris hopes Rosie and the youth group can help

  Jess face the obstacles ahead. Hope. She didn’t have

  much of that either when she was Jess’s age.

  Chris grins in encouragement and finishes Jess’s

  nails, blowing on the lacquer to help them dry. “You

  should speak to your mum, then, and maybe see a

  doctor and take it from there.”

  Jess glances at Chris. “I don’t know. My stepdad

  won’t have any of it.”

  “Perhaps Rosie will have some idea what you can

  do.” Chris arranges Jess’s hands and spreads her

  fingers for the nails to dry. That, at least, Chris can

  do for Jess. As an untrained volunteer, she can’t and

  is not allowed to counsel the kids.

  “I want to be like you when I grow up.” Jess gazes

  at Chris again. She smiles shyly. “You are…you’re so

  beautiful.”

  Chris laughs and Jess joins in. “That’s flattering.

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  Thank you, but being me is not that special. Trust

  me. You can be whoever you want to be, Jess. Don’t

  be me.”

  Jess frowns, seemingly not convinced that Chris

  isn’t special. “Did you want to be anyone else when

  you were young?”

  “I’m still young!” Chris starts to giggle again.

  Working with teens has given her brand-new

  perspectives on her own life. She thinks about her

  childhood and what she’s been doing to support

  herself. “I was always pretending to be someone

  else, so I dreamt about being me. To be left alone.”