Blue Jay

by A Zukowski

  Jess’s stomach growls.

  “Someone’s hungry,” Chris comments.

  “I’ve not eaten anything since school lunch. I sat

  at the corner of the dining room because these boys

  are always calling me names.”

  “That’s dreadful.”

  “They’d been shouting in my face, saying things

  like ‘What’s with the long hair, JESSICA?’”

  Jess has already told Chris about how she feels

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  excluded since starting secondary school. She has

  tried to tone it down in her presentation. Her mum

  has asked the school to let her use Jessica as her

  name.

  “School bullies are so cruel!” Chris wants to

  protect Jess so badly.

  “Hey, you’re back early! I’m about to heat up the

  oven for pie and chips—”

  Alex turns to see Chris bringing the young girl

  into the small sitting room.

  “Oh.” He wipes his large hands on a tea towel.

  Alex was home first today after his day shift. He

  usually plans their dinner in time for Chris when

  she finishes at the youth club.

  “Alex, this is Jess.” Chris puts her arm around

  Jess’s shoulder. “Jess. This is Alex.”

  She’s put the hood up again, but the black eye

  wouldn’t have escaped Alex’s attention. At just over

  five feet, Jess looks tiny indeed compared to Alex,

  so he stoops down and holds out his hand.

  “Nice to meet you.”

  Jess turns shy all of a sudden even though earlier

  she was so curious to know what kind of boyfriend

  Chris has. Jess stands back with apprehension as

  she faces the rather intimidating-looking man. She

  tentatively shakes Alex’s hand. “I’m…I’m Jess.”

  “Hey, are you staying for dinner? I’ll make more

  and eat a little less myself!” Alex is trying to be

  jovial about it. He and Chris make eye contact over

  the teenager’s head, trading an understanding look.

  “Damn right you will. Rosie will be coming in a

  couple of hours to fetch Jess.”

  Alex and Chris exchange a quick kiss. Alex ruffles

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  Chris’s hair as a sign of support.

  Jess watches the couple. Chris wonders if she’s

  thinking about her mum and stepdad.

  To distract Jess, Chris steers her to sit down on

  the sofa. “Shall I put the TV on?”

  Jess agrees. Chris clicks on the remote control

  and finds an innocuous game show. Then she leaves

  her to search for a flannel, warm water, and some

  saline lotion and gauze. Luckily, they bought a small

  first-aid kit when they moved in on account that

  Alex can be clumsy around delicate things.

  Alex puts the food in the oven, then goes into

  their bedroom, giving Chris and Jess space. Chris

  returns to the sitting room and cleans up Jess’s face

  and the back of her ear while Jess watches TV. If the

  ministrations hurt, she isn’t complaining.

  After Chris cleans Jess up well, they sit side by

  side on the sofa. A sitcom has come on after the

  game show; they find themselves giggling

  occasionally. If only real life was like this, joke after

  joke and interspersed with a feel-good storyline.

  When the kitchen timer goes off, Alex reappears to

  serve up dinner.

  They sit at the small table and tuck into the pie

  and chips. Alex has improved at cooking after

  getting together with Chris, but he’s burned the

  food slightly again.

  Chris smiles. “You’re supposed to turn the chips

  halfway through. Lucky for you we’re hungry!” She

  jabs her fork at Alex’s beefy biceps.

  Alex pretends to be hurt. “Ouch!”

  But he proceeds to stuff his face with a big pile of

  food and speaks with his mouth quite full. “Not

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  everyone’s like a master chef contestant in the

  kitchen.”

  Chris

  giggles.

  “I

  like

  your

  backhanded

  compliment, but that’s a bit of an exaggeration as

  always.”

  Alex laughs, making no apologies for idealising

  Chris. Chris worries that Jess will find it hard to be

  comfortable with a stranger, a big threatening-

  looking one. She seems relaxed enough given the

  circumstances.

  Jess’s wide eyes show that she is comfortable

  there even though she doesn’t get their in-joke. She

  probably trusts Alex, too, because of her admiration

  for Chris.

  “Do you like the youth club?” Alex asks.

  “It’s okay, I guess.” She shrugs.

  “But you must like some things to keep going

  back?” Alex tries to draw her out.

  Jess spears a few chips with her fork and watches

  Chris sidelong. “Rosie and Chris are nice.”

  Chris beams. “That’s the right answer.”

  Jess smiles, too, pleased to be able to join in the

  chitchat. “And the pizzas are good.”

  “Pizzas?” Alex is surprised. “You never told me

  that’s on offer. No wonder you don’t have much

  appetite when you come home!” He points his fork

  at Chris.

  Chris chuckles again. “I don’t eat them there.

  Even if I wanted to, I’m not fast enough to get a slice

  with this lot.” She gazes at Jess with affection.

  Jess joins her in giggling. “Yeah, you have to beat

  the others to get to them if you want some. We all

  love pizza. I don’t mind fighting with the other

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  people for them, though. At home, Dennis always

  orders them with salami and pineapple and I hate it

  with fruit.”

  “I hate pineapple on pizza, too!” Alex says.

  They pass the time, finishing their evening meal,

  chatting and joking. Jess doesn’t seem to be able to

  stop smiling. As they take the dishes into the

  kitchen and Alex starts washing up, Chris tells Jess

  they should talk before Rosie arrives. The kitchen

  stands to one side of the sitting room in an alcove,

  so Alex keeps his back to them as he cleans.

  As soon as they sit back on the sofa, Jess tells

  Chris, “I don’t want to go home, especially if Dennis

  is still there.”

  “I know. But your mum will want you back, I’m

  sure.” Chris takes Jess’s hand in hers.

  “I know what will happen. They’ll send me away

  and I won’t be with my mum anymore.” Jess’s voice

  is low, trembling. “I can’t pretend to be a boy just to

  please him.” The tears fall. “He’s big, not like your

  Alex, but big enough for me.”

  Chris hugs her and gently pats her back. “I

  understand.”

  They stay like that until Jess stops crying.

  “We’ll speak to Rosie, okay? She’s a qualified

  youth worker. She’ll know what to do.” Chris hopes

  she does.

  By the time the doorbell rings, Jess is a bit more

  reassured. Alex retreats to the bedroom to let Rosie,

  Chris an
d Jess talk.

  Rosie inspects Jess’s face and the wound on the

  back of her ear. “I will take you to report this to the

  police. We need to stop Dennis from doing this to

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  you, okay?”

  Jess frowns with uncertainty. “But he’s living at

  home. Can I stay with Chris? They treat me like a

  friend.”

  Rosie gazes over at Chris who smiles in

  encouragement, but it’s not a possibility.

  “The police will probably make Dennis go away

  for a while until he promises not to hurt you again.

  He will not be allowed to stay with you.”

  “Really?” Jess asks, her eyes filled with tears once

  more, then straightens up. “What about my mum?

  Will they take her away too?”

  Rosie shakes her head. “Has she ever hurt you?”

  “No. She doesn’t know because I’ve been hiding

  the bruises. It’s the first time he’s hit my face.”

  Rosie states firmly, “Then there’s no need for you

  to worry. She’ll have to work with the social

  workers, though, so we can all stop your stepdad

  from repeating this.”

  Jess looks to Chris to ask whether she should go

  with Rosie’s plan.

  “Jess, I’m sure everyone will want to take care of

  you. It will all work out. You should go with Rosie to

  the police station.”

  “Okay. Can I come to see you and Alex again? I

  want to have a boyfriend like you have when I grow

  up. A boyfriend who will accept me as a girl.” Jess

  flashes her big puppy eyes at Chris.

  Chris gives her a peck on her forehead. “Of

  course. You can ask your mum to call me if it’s okay

  with her. Yeah? And we’ll arrange something.”

  Tears well up in Chris’s eyes, as she watches Jess

  leave with Rosie.

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  “Hey, you’re crying.” Alex has emerged from the

  bedroom at some point and now cups the back of

  Chris’s head and rests it against his thick neck.

  Chris sobs and laughs at the same time. “Very

  observant, Alex. Seeing Jess…it’s like watching

  myself when I was her age.”

  “Hmm.”

  “I used to cope with so much shit. Annette,

  working, macho boys at school. Not being able to

  read and the teachers looking down on me. My

  gender. I used to skive a lot even when I wasn’t

  working. And I would pretend to be ill. Annette

  didn’t help at all. She let me stay home. She never

  encouraged me to do anything, other than earning

  money. I hated my fucking life!”

  “I know, sweetheart,” Alex murmurs.

  Chris shivers despite herself. “And being

  attacked.”

  “Oh, Chris.” Alex swallows hard.

  In Alex’s strong arms, Chris stops crying

  eventually.

  “You’re really good with Jess. Do you think you

  may want to work with teenagers instead of babies

  and toddlers?”

  Chris pulls away so she can see Alex. “If I’m going

  to get this emotional with one teenager, I’ll be better

  off with preschool kids. Don’t you think?”

  Alex grins. “Maybe. Either way, I think you are

  brilliant. You’re kind of a role model for someone

  like Jess. I can see why she admires you.”

  “You’re kidding, right? Me? A model queer!”

  Chris laughs while the tears dry on her face.

  Alex smiles back. “You are open and honest about

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  who you are. You don’t take no shit from anybody.

  That’s exactly what the kids need.”

  Chris kisses Alex. She will never have enough of

  the big man and his faith in her.

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  CHAPTER 18

  INDIGO

  CHANGE.

  Alex sits Chris down at their dining table one

  night. His expressive hands lay flat on the surface.

  “I got the job at the warehouse. It’s an eight-to-six

  gig. Five days a week, with occasional Saturday or

  Sunday shifts if it gets busy. I can finally say ‘fuck

  you’ to Mike. I’ll be home at night. Regular hours

  will be better for my depression and sleep pattern as

  well,” he says steadily.

  Chris agrees. They’ve talked about this, trying to

  spend more time together, and the shift work as a

  security guard gets Alex down. Chris being next to

  him has already helped him sleep, but it’s not

  enough. He still suffers from insomnia and

  sometimes the same nightmares, though it’s easier

  when he can reach out and know Chris is there. Alex

  has grown to love Chris’s low snore when he is in a

  deep sleep, a soft hum soothing his disturbed mind.

  “I’ll ask Liam about the bouncer job at the club in

  Soho. He told me they might have some weekend

  shifts going.” He reaches out and laces his fingers

  through Chris’s.

  Chris swallows. “And you’re going to be at the

  boxing club too?”

  “Yeah. I don’t want to give that up. Coach is

  managing for now, but I can’t take it all on because

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  the pay is shit.”

  He’s coaching an adult class, which Dex pays him

  for. The free kids’ session on Tuesday is his passion.

  Alex enjoys the club, especially teaching the young

  boxers. Devan is showing great promise. Boxing

  remains and will always be part of Alex because the

  sport has been his lifeline for over twenty years.

  “You’ll be—”

  Alex touches his finger to Chris’s lips.

  Exhausted, working to the bone.

  Alex knows how much he’s taking on. “I haven’t

  finished. We’ll go and open a joint account

  tomorrow. I want you to take care of our finances.

  We have my savings too. You work when you have

  to. All right? No questions asked.”

  Chris stares at Alex, recognising what he is

  offering to do so Chris doesn’t have to work as

  much. Tears threaten to fall. He exhales.

  “You’ll be working a seventy-hour week, Alex. I

  wish I had more skills and career options.”

  Alex nods. “I’ve thought long and hard about this.

  At the moment, this is the only way. It’s what we

  have to do and I’m happy, okay? We’re good, aren’t

  we? And that’s all that matters.”

  Chris bites his tongue between his teeth, but he

  can’t quite stop the feelings bubbling up inside of

  him. “I’ll look for other work. Rosie mentioned that

  they might be able to afford an assistant at the

  youth club as a part-time position. It won’t pay

  much, but…”

  Alex leans across and kisses Chris. “Then, you’ll

  apply for it, right?”

  “Right.” Chris smiles through the tears.

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  ~~~

  Chris is visiting Southend with Alex. He has never

  been to Essex, despite the fact that it’s an hour or so

  from London. He’s a Londoner through and

  through, so outside of the M25 ring road is terra

  incognita. They’ve ridden th
e Tube to Barking, and

  from there the train takes about forty minutes.

  Dagenham, Hornchurch, Basildon. Places merge

  into one another like an extended suburb of

  London, except for the green spaces and flat fields.

  “Will I actually see the sea?” Chris asks, his face

  dreamy as he contemplates the landscape flying

  past through the train window. He doodles on it

  using the condensation drops, a childish habit he’s

  maintained.

  Alex smiles. “Yes. It’s called Southend-on-Sea for

  a reason.”

  Chris’s eyes widen like a kid who has never seen

  the ocean. “Will you take me there? I’m twenty-

  seven but I can count the number of times I’ve seen

  the sea on one hand. Annette was not one to take

  me on trips.”

  Alex touches his lips to Chris’s short hair. “Sure.

  There’s the Pleasure Beach, but it’s out of season

  now so there won’t be much going on. We can walk

  along the promenade. I’ll even buy you an ice

  cream. How’s that?” There’s a hint of glee in his

  voice.

  Chris glances at Alex sideways. “That’ll be

  dandy!”

  “There’s always the indoor rides and the

  amusement arcade if you’re inclined.” Alex smiles.

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  “Wow, you’re really spoiling me, Alexander.”

  Chris pouts.

  Alex’s eyes twinkle as he shakes his head. “Let’s

  see how you feel after meeting my folks. You’ll think

  we’re all tossers and want to go back to the Big

  Smoke right away.”

  Chris gazes at the cloudy sky again, as though he’s

  hoping to catch something interesting. “I have a

  very low expectation of blood families. I might find

  something I like among yours.” He gives Alex a

  toothy smile, flashing his dimples. Alex laughs in

  response. “Is there a carousel at the fair?”

  “Like a merry-go-round?”

  Chris nods.

  Alex can’t stop the giggles. “I guess so. It’s been

  years since I’ve gone to the pier.”

  Chris takes Alex’s hand. “I’ve never been on a

  carousel. Will you take me, even if we’re going to

  look ridiculous?”

  “I don’t remember ever riding one either,” Alex

  admits. “And you never look ridiculous, no matter

  how much you try, especially in the morning when

  your hair’s standing up and you have sleep marks

  on your face. You’re kinda cute.”

  Chris touches his hair to make sure it’s not too

  messy for Alex’s parents. “Leave my face alone. A