How Spy I Am

by Diane Henders

  His mouth moved to my ear, sending shivers coursing over me when he nipped my earlobe.

  “Take your shirt off,” he growled in my ear. “Take your shirt off for me.”

  Good God, I thought he’d never ask. I pulled away just far enough to skim my top off, feeling his rumble of satisfaction vibrating through my collarbone as his lips tracked lower.

  His mouth and fingertips traced the swell of my breast above my bra, a tantalizing touch that made me moan and clutch at the solid mountains of his delicious biceps.

  “Like unwrapping a gift. A beautiful gift,” he murmured, his lips and tongue blazing a trail of heat over my cleavage. “I could spend a lifetime memorizing this…”

  Christ, that was about a lifetime too long for me. I slid a shaking hand down his washboard abs to the hard ridge in his pants.

  “John, please,” I begged over the sound of his indrawn breath.

  “I want to watch you take off your jeans. Like you did before. When you wore those leather pants.” Kane’s voice was a ragged rasp. “Take off your pants for me. Let me see you-”

  I skinned out of my jeans.

  “Oh God Aydan…” He sank to his knees in front of me, his powerful hands sliding up my legs to cup my ass. “I swear I’ve dreamed about that little black thong every night since July,” he muttered breathlessly against the inside of my thigh, his mouth moving slowly higher.

  Then higher still.

  His finger brushed me when he eased the fabric aside, and my knees began to quiver uncontrollably.

  “If you do that…” An involuntary gasp disrupted my words when the touch of his tongue ignited every nerve ending in my body. “I’ll come right here on the… spot.” The last word wrenched out on a moan as he tasted me again.

  “Would that be so bad?” The deep vibration of his voice sent another lightning-bolt of need sizzling through my body.

  “God, yes… I mean… no…”

  His chuckle nearly tipped me over the edge. My head fell back, eyes half-closing, but he stood, leaving me panting and trembling while he kissed his way up the curve of my throat.

  “Soon,” he promised in a rough whisper. “I haven’t finished unwrapping my gift yet.”

  His teeth closed lightly on my neck, wringing another gasp out of me as the sensation shot directly to places I hoped he’d get to soon, dammit, soon.

  His hand slipped around to unhook my bra. He stepped back a pace, catching his breath when it slid down my arms. He shoved his jeans off and kicked them aside, and I had only a second to enjoy the view before he swept me into his arms, skin against hot skin.

  His hands moved down my body, sliding my thong off as he stooped to tease one begging nipple with his tongue at last.

  The jolt of sensation made me cry out helplessly, my fingers clenching in his hair. One of his powerful arms closed around me, holding me while he licked and sucked and nibbled, driving me nearly mad with desire.

  His other hand slid slowly down my ribs. Down my stomach, chasing heat ahead of his touch. Lower still to find that aching place that needed him so desperately.

  When he stroked me, I barely recognized my own voice, “OhGodJohn…”

  My hips thrust against his hand, demanding more while his mouth goaded my body to even more feverish need. In moments, the tightening coil of hot tension made my breath come faster, little moans escaping me.

  When he straightened to gaze down at me again, I managed to compress my scream of frustration into an inarticulate open-mouthed whimper. He caught my clutching hands, clasping them between his own.

  “Beautiful,” he said huskily.

  The last of my patience evaporated. I twisted free of his grip to lunge at him, toppling him backward onto the bed. He barked surprised laughter, already rolling with lightning-fast reflexes as I sprang. I was twisting to pounce on him when he flipped me effortlessly onto my back.

  Looking up at him kneeling astride me, my breath temporarily stopped while my gaze devoured massive shoulders tapering to corrugated midsection to bulging thighs. His hip-hugging black briefs did absolutely nothing to hide the way everything else was bulging.

  I jerked the briefs down and grabbed a glorious handful of hot, hard Kane. A few short fast strokes made him gasp, his thighs tensing to chiselled stone.

  “Now!” I grated.

  He lunged across me to yank open the drawer in the bedside table. His fingernails scrabbled against the smooth cardboard of the unopened box of condoms, his breath hissing through his teeth, muscles rippling in his jaw.

  I was about to snatch it away and open it myself when he clenched the box in both fists and ripped it in half with a roar. Condoms flew in all directions, and he seized the nearest one.

  Then he was on top of me, his hands demanding, his mouth moving down my body, kissing and licking and sucking and teasing with electric little nips that never quite crossed the line into pain.

  My entire body was on fire. I couldn’t tell whether the breathless “PleasePleasePlease” was coming from my lips or echoing through my brain. An instant before I combusted completely, he slid up to poise himself above me, his dilated eyes holding mine.

  “Aydan,” he whispered.

  Our explosive cries mingled when he slid hard into me. All my muscles convulsed, the aching core of need clamping down and spiralling outward.

  If he so much as moved I’d…

  He moved.

  Sliding out, driving deep again, my name rumbling from his lips.

  Too big, too hard, too hot, too-

  My orgasm detonated like a bomb, shockwaves pounding through me while I bucked against him, impaled on his iron body.

  “Aydan, God, Aydan, I can’t stop now…” His voice was hoarse and ragged, his muscles like granite above me.

  “Don’t stop,” I gasped. “Don’t you dare stop!”

  The last ripples rolled into the next swells when he groaned and obeyed with deep, powerful thrusts.

  I barely had time to catch my breath before the waves crashed over me again, but this time he didn’t slow, his body rock-hard above me, against me, inside me.

  Swept away in the storm of sensation, I slammed my hips up to meet him again and again. My nails scored his back while he drove me higher still.

  I rode the incandescent edge for long, glowing seconds until the fierce flood of ecstasy overwhelmed me again, sweeping away the last shreds of control. My world contracted to the sound of my cries and the mindless intensity of release. Timeless moments later, I barely recognized the sound of my name in his harsh groan.

  Clenched in each other’s arms, our bodies strained together in slowing spasms, my senses filled with the taste of his skin, the sound of our panting, his gun-oil-and-leather scent, the hot tingling of my hard-ridden body.

  Long moments later, I gulped a few unsteady breaths and dragged my eyes half-open, the aftershocks still vibrating through me.

  “Aydan. Oh my God.” Kane rested his forehead against mine before pulling away a few inches to smile into my eyes.

  “You weren’t kidding you don’t do slow,” he said.

  Then he was kissing me. Soft, sweet kisses scattered over my lips, cheeks, forehead, temples.

  “Beautiful,” he murmured. “You’re beautiful. And I have all night to tell you that. All night to explore.” His hands and lips drifted lower. “All night to give you as much pleasure as you can bear. All night to do… this…”

  I sucked in a sharp breath, my body arching up to meet his mouth.

  Kane chuckled. “Slow down…”

  Much later, we sprawled in a limp tangle of arms and legs and sweat-damp sheets. My body thrummed with exhausted satisfaction, my limbs too heavy to move.

  Kane brushed feather-light kisses over my closed eyelids. “Ready to sleep?” he whispered.

  “Mm-hmm.” I wasn’t sure if he’d heard my mumble or not.

  I felt him moving, straightening the bedding while I floated blissfully. No need to open my eyes.

&nbs
p; Covers settled over me and the bedside lamp clicked into darkness. His arms found me, tucking me close to the strong steady beat of his heart. Hovering on the indistinct border of euphoric sleep, I barely felt the touch of his lips on my hair, my temple, my cheek. Tender kisses, cradling me in warmth and safety and…

  …Love.

  My lassitude trickled away into dismay and I held my breathing steady, faking relaxation with an effort.

  Come on, settle down. It was only sex. He knew it. He’d said so himself. Only friends with benefits. He didn’t expect anything more.

  I eased out a long, slow breath.

  Nothing to worry about. He’d said himself he was responsible for his own happiness. He knew what he was doing. It wasn’t like he was expecting me to wake up in the morning wanting a serious relationship.

  He sighed, his arms growing heavier. His lips brushed mine in one last gentle kiss before his head settled on the pillow beside me. I felt his lips curve into a smile against my cheek, his breathing slowing.

  What could be better than snuggling up to an amazingly hot guy after mind-blowing sex? Any woman would kill to be where I was right now. And there was lots more where that came from. I could share his bed whenever I wanted. Run my hands over his glorious body, taste his lips, watch his eyes ignite. Just for me, night after night.

  My stomach clenched.

  Night after night. Until he fell into the comfort of having me here. Until he grew to expect my presence. Until he started to hope and believe I might offer him commitment someday. Until my continued refusal made his love fade into resentment and finally into anger and hatred.

  I gulped at the tightness in my throat. Kane wasn’t the type of guy who could be friends with benefits. He was too intense, too possessive, too… attached.

  This had been a terrible mistake. Dammit, I knew it. I knew I should have ended it and walked away instead of taking this first step down a road that could only lead to pain.

  I lay still until his breathing slowed and deepened. When I was sure he was asleep, I eased cautiously out of his embrace and over to the other side of the bed, the clammy sheets shocking my skin. I lay wide-eyed in the darkness.

  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

  I drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. I’d talk to him in the morning. Explain why this couldn’t work. Apologize.

  Just relax in the mean time.

  I had soothed myself into drowsiness at last when Kane sighed in his sleep. His reaching arms found me and cuddled me close.

  Claustrophobia prickled my skin and I carefully extracted myself, moving a little farther away.

  Sleep. Belly breathe. Ocean waves.

  Kane’s arm fell across me again.

  Chapter 17

  I clung to the edge of the bed while Kane slept sprawled in the middle. We had repeated the catch-and-escape routine twice more, and my nerves jangled with tension and fatigue.

  He sighed and reached one more time, and I gave up and got out of the bed. For a few moments, I stood pondering.

  There was absolutely zero chance I could sleep here. I could crash on the couch, or I could call Hellhound and get him to drive me home. The thought of my own bed and a few hours of solitude filled me with a deep yearning.

  Going home was probably the smart thing to do anyway. A few hours of sleep and a chance to get my head on straight would make the conversation with Kane a little easier.

  I shuffled gingerly through the darkness, searching out my far-flung clothing. When I was dressed, I tiptoed out of the bedroom to find my waist pouch. I had my phone in my hand when it occurred to me to use Kane’s home phone instead. No awkward tracking issues.

  I located his cordless handset and got as far away from the bedroom as possible before dialling Hellhound’s cell phone. It rang a few times before his sleep-slurred rasp tickled my ear.

  “Whaddafuck?”

  “Arnie, it’s Aydan,” I whispered.

  When he spoke again, he sounded wide-awake and worried. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. Can you come and get me?”

  “Why’re ya whisperin’? Are ya okay?”

  “I’m fine, I just don’t want to wake Kane. Could you please just come and get me?”

  “Hang tight, darlin’, I’ll be right there.”

  I had just pressed the disconnect button when a flood of light and Kane’s voice made me spin around with a yelp.

  “Who are you calling?” he asked. “It’s three o’clock in the morning.”

  He blinked drowsily, looking thoroughly delicious with his hair tousled, dark stubble defining the planes of his strong, square face. The sight of him in nothing but that well-filled black underwear almost made me forgive myself for my earlier lapse of judgement. Superwoman herself wouldn’t have been able to resist him.

  “I’m sorry I woke you,” I told him. “Go on back to bed. I couldn’t sleep, so I called Arnie to pick me up.”

  Hurt twisted his face for a bare instant before his expression smoothed into neutrality. When he spoke, his tone was emotionless. “So you were going to sneak away to him in the middle of the night.”

  Oh, God, I knew this was going to be a problem.

  “John, no, it’s not like that at all,” I assured him hurriedly. “I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed, and I didn’t want to wake you. Being with you was even more mind-blowing than I dreamed it would be. Believe me, I don’t have any energy left for anybody else. I just wanted a ride home.”

  His expression softened, but he persisted. “You stay all night when you’re with him.”

  How the hell did he know that? Damn spies…

  “I just… it’s nothing personal, I just couldn’t sleep. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”

  “Why don’t you come back to bed? We can talk about it all you want.”

  That invitingly sleep-edged voice, that sex-god body, and I was walking away? My God, was I insane?

  But his face confirmed my earlier misgivings. That expression wasn’t lust. Lust would’ve been good. That was… wistfulness or something. Longing, maybe. Love.

  Need.

  I hid a shiver, the urge to escape churning in my gut.

  “Look, John, I’m sorry. This was… You were amazing, this night was amazing, but it was a mistake. It was stupid of me to let it happen, and I’m sorry. Friends with benefits isn’t going to work between us.”

  The cop face closed down. “Why not?”

  “You’re too attached. You care too much, and you’ll end up hating me because I can’t feel that way about you.”

  “So you’re saying that because I love you…” His expressionless facade vanished and he shot me a defiant look. “Yes, I love you, dammit, I’m going to say it out loud. Because I love you, we can’t be together? If I didn’t give a damn about you, if all I wanted was to get into your pants, everything would be fine?”

  “I… Well, yeah… If you only wanted to get in my pants, that would be great, I could give you what you wanted. But-”

  “Dammit, Aydan, that’s a crock! What kind of messed-up logic is that?”

  Stress and exhaustion made the bitter self-recrimination burst out of me. “You’re right, I’m completely fucked up, and I told you that already! I warned you, and you wouldn’t fucking listen! That’s exactly why it works with Arnie and it won’t work with you-”

  I bit off the words too late.

  “Really.” His even tone might as well have come with a flashing red light and a warning klaxon.

  “I didn’t mean it that way, I just meant…”

  “Meant what?” A muscle jumped in his jaw. “Tell me what he gives you that I can’t. Or didn’t.”

  “It’s not a matter of giving me something, I’m not trying to compare you…”

  “But you are comparing us, dammit!”

  I throttled the defensive anger before it could escape. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

  “Cut the crap, Aydan! Don�
�t tell me kind little lies. Just say it!”

  I threw up my arms and let them fall to my sides with a slap. “Fine! Arnie doesn’t get attached and he doesn’t get jealous and he never asks me for more than I can give-”

  “And he’ll never give you anything in return!” Kane wasn’t quite yelling. “What will you have left when he can’t get it up anymore-”

  “We’re friends, too, it’s not just about-“

  “Do you really want to end up old and alone with nothing in your life but pathetic hookups-”

  “I like living by myself, I’m not looking for-”

  “…with a guy you know will screw around on you at the slightest opportunity-”

  “He’s not screwing around on me, we both-”

  “He can’t even commit to serial monogamy, let alone-”

  “I don’t want it!” I cut off his rising voice with a full-throated shout. “Why does everybody think marriage and monogamy are so fucking wonderful? They’re just another goddamn cage!”

  We stared at each other in the shattering silence.

  “Fine,” Kane said quietly. “Go fuck my so-called best friend, then.”

  The word spat from his lips like a poison dart, and I couldn’t prevent my flinch.

  I swallowed the hurt and held my face and voice calm and expressionless. “He ended it between us. Because he cares about your happiness more than anything or anybody. Don’t ever doubt his friendship. It’s far more than you deserve.”

  I pushed past him to put on my boots and jacket.

  “Aydan, I’m sorry.” Kane’s voice was close behind me, but I couldn’t turn to him. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “Please stay so we can talk this out.”

  A tap at the door filled me with relief and loss.

  I steeled myself to turn and face him, but I couldn’t look at his eyes. I spoke to his chest instead.

  “This conversation is exactly why friends with benefits can’t work between us. All the talk in the world won’t change that.”

  There didn’t seem to be anything more to say. I wanted to kiss him one last time, but what was the point? When it’s over, it’s over.